"Hey, Prongs, check it out!"

"What?"

"A paper bag!"

"You're kidding me."

"No, I swear, look!"

"I can't see, dumbass."

"Well, here. Feel!"

"Padfoot, that would be my butt."

"Sorry Moony. Hey, Prongs, where are you?"

"Right here, you idiot."

"Where? I can't see!"

"Is your next line going to be, "Who turned out the lights?"

"No, actually, it was going to be - "

"Lily, Sirius doesn't always understand sarcasm. It's not always a useful tool."

"Shut up, Moony!"

"Give that paper bag here, Padfoot. I need a piss."

"WORMTAIL! Do you honestly think I'm going to waste a perfectly good paper bag on your...bodily needs?"

"What, you want me to pee on the floor?"

"..."

"..."

"...Noooooo..."

"Then gimme the paper bag!"

"NEVAH!"

"Wormtail, do you think you can hold - um, ew. I mean, er - PADFOOT!"

"Yes, Moony, dear?"

"GIVE HIM THE PAPER BAG!"

"Why?"

"Prongs, you tell him."

"Tell him what?"

"Stop checking me out, Potter!"

"I can't, dear Lily. It's too dark to do it properly."

"James, explain to Sirius that this is a matter of life and death and if he doesn't hand over the bag, we may not only end up in a dark closet, but a dark closet full of Peter's...liquid body wastes."

"Padfoot, give Moony the bag, or we'll end up standing in Wormtail's shit."

"Thank you. Here, you go, Peter."

"..."

"..."

"That feels loads better."

"DON'T SAY THAT WHEN I CAN HEAR YOU! I'M A LADY!"

"Sorry, Lily."

"Um, Moony?"

"Yes, Prongs?"

"I've just realised something."

"Don't tell me you have to go too, Potter. Okay, everyone, out of the closet, we need everyone to go take a fucking piss?"

"Miss Evans, your language is atrocious - "

"DON'T YOU REPRIMAND ME, MISTER I -CAN-SAY-WHATEVER-I-DAMN-WELL-PLEASE! IT'S YOUR FAULT - "

"AS I WAS SAYING! Guys, and girl - Peter just shit into a paper bag."

"Give us something we don't know for a change, Prongs."

"Shut it, Padfoot. He shit into a paper bag."

"Shit!"

"Piss, actually."