DISCLAIMER: I do not own the HG characters
Thanks for the reviews, glad to see people liked the last chapter—I wasn't sure how people would react to it.
Chapter 7-Unforgiven
Part two of Katniss's non-traditional treatment was not was she was expecting, but then again, the entire experience has not been what she had expected. She knew she should have been used to it by now. But Rain and the tribe kept surprising her. It began mostly with spending more time with the different tribe members, she was learning more Sioux and was actually beginning to exchange some dialogue with them beyond simple words. Not full on conversations but enough to ask how a person was doing and vice versa. She had learned from Rain that it was true that the Natives once lived all throughout Panem, that there were numerous tribes that had their own languages and customs. But that when the people who now inhabit Panem first came (before it was even Panem), disease killed many of the tribes and that the tribes were driven further and further away before finally settling in what is now the wild territory. That now there are about seven tribes. Most tribes ranged from 60-200 people and that this was one the smallest tribes with 60 members. The different tribes often inter-married and that each tribe spoke a similar language, making the transition easier for someone marrying into a different tribe. This tribe was also the closest to Panem's border which was one of the reason's it was a smaller tribe. Some felt it was too dangerous to be so close. Katniss had asked why risk the danger and Rain explained that certain tribe members thought this land was sacred and that the spirits would protect them. Not all of them felt that way, that's why some have left and some continue to leave.
"Some still fear the new Panem. There is talk that now that there is more freedom in Panem that people from the districts are crossing into the wild territory" Rain said.
"Is that true?" Katniss wondered why anyone would want to do that, she could see before, but now…..
"I think so, the rumors I heard in District 9 is that certain groups don't trust Paylor and some even want the old regime back. Mostly these are people from career districts or the Capitol. I wonder if they are trying to start their own society—I hear these groups are pretty small, but there are quite a few of them. If they were to organize together that could be bad. From what I hear that hasn't happened, I think they all have different ideas of what they think Panem should be. Some don't want the old regime, they just don't want Paylor as President. Some want to go back to the way things were completely. I don't know if I see any of these groups being able to survive here long term." Rain didn't exactly say the words with confidence.
Katniss was surprised by this, she hadn't heard anything like this in District 12, but then again, District 12 was still so removed from the Capitol and rest of the districts. Plus District 12 was still very small and trying to rebuild, only about 200 people lived there.
She wondered if also some of these groups were members of District 13, people who were loyal to Coin. She shared that theory with Rain.
"Possibly" she replied, "the rebellion changed things so quickly I don't think people know what they want anymore."
Katniss thought about what she wanted. Prior to the games she just wanted to live in District 12 with her family, child free. Now, she only had Peeta, Haymitch, and Greasy Sae. Peeta wanted children, she didn't, but she figured she might have to eventually give in. After all, beyond Peeta having the bakery and helping with District 12's food production and her helping him with that, she didn't have much of a life. Starting a family would at least give her more purpose, but is that what she truly wanted? She figured it the only option available.
Rain saw Katniss lost in her thoughts. "What are you are thinking about?" she asked.
"Nothing, just, what my life was like back in 12 before I came here."
"From the look on your face it didn't look like happy thoughts."
Katniss gave Rain an annoyed look. "It's hard to be happy when you've gone through what I have" she replied.
"I understand, but other people have been through hard times as well. Look at the tribe, they have lost a lot as well, their land, their population dwindled down to almost nothing. But they moved on, they still have hope, they still have their way of life. They had to make adjustments, but they got through it."
"Well, I'm sorry I am not as enlightened as your people, they were not forced to participate in the Hunger Games." Katniss was not in the mood for a lecture on how she should just make adjustments and get over it. If this is what 'part two' was about she wanted no part of it.
"The Hunger Games were a terrible thing, you standing up to the Capitol and being the Mockingjay sparking the rebellion was brave. You are a strong person Katniss, but you also let the Capitol change you."
"Of course I changed! How could anyone remain the same after that?" Katniss roared.
"Would you say Peeta changed much from the first games until now?" Rain asked.
Katniss paused and thought. She didn't know Peeta before the games so she couldn't make that comparison. But knowing Peeta from the first Hunger Games to the Quarter Quell to now, she came to the conclusion he had not changed that much. Not counting when he was brainwashed of course. It was one of the reasons it was so easy to care about him, his sweet and kind demeanor never wavered.
"No" she finally answered.
"He lost a lot as well did he not?" Rain's eyebrow rose as she asked the question.
"Yes. A limb, his family, his memories."
"Everyone deals with difficult events and loss differently. Some change for the good, some for worse, some don't change at all. What matters is the question, is this the person we want to be? That's my question to you." Rain asked quizzically.
Katniss shrugged. She didn't know if she could be different. She was never one to show emotion or was someone who was totally happy with her life. "It's hard to answer that question when you don't know what you could have been" she responded.
"If the games never happened what do you think your life would have been?"
It pained Katniss to imagine what if. But it was not hard to imagine what her life would have been had the games not happened. "I would be living in poverty in the Seam with my sister and my mother. I would still be hunting illegally and going to the hob in order to put food on the table. I may or may not be married, no children though-I had made a promise to myself growing up I'd never have kids while the Hunger Games existed."
"Do you think you'd be happier?"
"I would still have Prim in my life. But I wouldn't have Peeta. It's hard to say." Katniss felt guilty for admitting she wasn't sure.
"But you could have had someone else though right?" Rain asked gently.
Katniss sighed in frustration. Of course her mother told Rain about Gale.
"Maybe. I think maybe some people expected it. If he wanted something to happen he should have made a move sooner. Instead of waiting until I came back to drop that on me. Maybe I could have been different. But because he didn't I ended up in my public whirlwind romance with Peeta." Katniss couldn't believe she actually admitted this. Would she have not gone through with the star crossed lover's angle with Peeta if she really had been with Gale?
"Again the question is, would you have been happier?"
Katniss narrowed her eyes in thought. Gale definitely would have been a good provider. She was happiest when it was just the two of them in the woods. If her life had been with Prim, her mom, and him, would she be happier? She quickly pushed the thought from her mind. Why think about what could have been? The reality is Prim was gone. She was never coming back no thanks to his obsession with destroying the Capitol.
"I don't want to think about what if. What's the point? The one thing that did make me happy is gone-forever."
"I think there's still a lot of unresolved feelings there" Rain said in a matter of fact tone.
"The day I said goodbye to him, I asked him if it was his bomb. He said he didn't know but that it didn't matter because I'd always be thinking about it. He knew things between us could never be the same." Katniss had felt in her mind things were resolved with that final goodbye.
"You can still forgive someone. Until you do it will not be resolved."
"I can't. Everything I did, I did for her. After she died, I felt like I had done everything for nothing. It's not something I can just get over." The thought of forgiving Gale seemed unfathomable.
"Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to forgive."
"I don't know how to do that. I couldn't even do it with my own mother."
"That's why you are here" Rain said with a smile.
Rain had Katniss begin a journal of sorts. Rain had brought a small brown book and pens and handed it to Katniss telling her she wanted her to write down the ways in which her mother disappointed her. She had a pretty long list. Katniss had written down everything from her mother's abandonment after her father died to allowing Prim to fly into the Capitol the day she died. She also wrote about how her mother did not return to District 12 and how while they talk on the telephone, that she is still not really there for her. Rain looked over the list and then had Katniss write down in a different color ink pen if Katniss could forgive the things listed. Katniss had marked that she could and did ultimately forgive her mother for checking out when her father died, but she marked she could not forgive her mother for allowing Prim to be a nurse in District 13 and could not forgive her mother for her semi-abandonment now.
"The way I understand it, Coin was the one who sent Prim to the Capitol that day correct?" Rain asked while looking over the list after Katniss finished.
"Yes, but, my mother allowed her to be a nurse in the first place. Prim was only 13, she wasn't even 14 and was going into a war zone. That's unforgivable." Katniss knew it was Coin that sent her there, it was one of the reasons Katniss shot an arrow through her heart. Her mother however, could have told Coin that under no circumstances was Prim going.
"Your sister was being trained to be a doctor. It makes sense that they would have sent her to help. Your mother never could have known what would have happened. She wasn't a soldier, she didn't know about the bomb designs."
"Like I said, it was a war zone, a parent is supposed to protect their child at all times. It's not something she has ever been that good at doing." Katniss was not going to let Rain try to get her to see this from another viewpoint.
"You're right. She wasn't the best. Your mother has her faults. Have you ever stopped to think maybe she never worried as much because she knew you would protect her? That Prim had you and others looking out for her?"
Katniss thought to Gale. "Well, that was her mistake. One of the people she thought would protect Prim ended up being partly responsible for her death. His design that is."
"Did you know your mother still keeps in touch with him?" Rain asked.
Katniss could feel her anger rising. Why would her mother still keep in touch with Gale?
"No" Katniss said coldly.
"Well, she does. In fact he still helps take care of her. He helped her find housing when she first settled in District 4. When your mother feels the hospital needs more supplies or staff, she writes to him and he either gets in touch with the government official in District 4 or reaches out to President Paylor on her behalf. It doesn't always work but he tries his best."
Katniss didn't know how to respond to that. She wanted to make a sarcastic remark, but she couldn't. Instead she asked, "Why don't you say his name? I know you know it."
"Because you won't say it. Look, I think that's enough for today. Why don't you help Morning Sun with preparing supper? You know she enjoys your company. Plus you can practice more conversation with her." Rain wanted to approach the Gale subject with caution. She knew that would be a big challenge, that and having Katniss learn to forgive Snow's regime.
Later that night, right before going to bed, Katniss took out the small bag Peeta had given her. She hadn't opened it since coming here. Part of the reason being Rain had kept her so busy, another reason being she didn't want to think of Peeta or District 12. That if she did, she would allow herself to miss him and quit this whole thing and go home.
She opened up the bag and took out everything in it. Peeta had given to Katniss a small book. When she opened it up she saw it was a list of kind acts she had written down shortly after he returned to District 12. She memorized those things over the years. Adding more lines as she saw more kind acts. He wrote a short note inside that said, 'In case you need reminded-love Peeta'.
She also finds a dried up primrose. Most likely from the garden outside their house flattened in the book. The final thing he placed in the bag was a locket. She opened it up dreading it wasn't what she thought it was.
It was what she feared. It was the locket with the picture of her mom, Prim, and Gale he had showed her that day on the beach during the Quarter Quell. She couldn't believe he still had it all this time. Inside was a small note that fell out. 'I had two of these made. One I brought with me to the Quarter Quell, one I kept at my house in case the other one was lost. I always wanted to give this other one to you, but never knew when the right time was. I think perhaps now the time has finally come. I said that your family needed you-true or false?'
"True" Katniss whispered. Tears started to fall down her face. She realized it comforted her to hear that Gale was still looking out for her mother.
She cried herself to sleep, though she didn't have to fear waking up to a nightmare anymore, it still scared her sometimes to fall asleep alone.
