DISCLAIMER: Hunger Games characters do not belong to me.
Chapter 12-Confessions
"I don't want to be dreaming about him." Katniss said in an irritated tone to Rain as they continued walking the next day with the rest of the tribe.
"Like I told you, it was not from any kind of after effect of the herb. The herb doesn't work that way, once you wake up the effects are totally gone. You can't blame that dream on the herb." Rain responded with an annoyed tone as well.
"Why am I dreaming about him then? I hate him" Katniss seethed.
"I think you tell yourself that. I know he hurt you greatly. But you know he didn't drop those bombs, Coin did. It might have been his design, but District 13 chose to build them. So whose fault is it really?" Rain figured since they would be traveling on foot the whole day might as well talk about a difficult subject.
"Coin's ultimately, I told you before that's one of the reasons why I killed her. She was just as dangerous as Snow. But Gale, he was supposed to protect my family. He let me down in the greatest way a person can. He and my mother both. I realized when I got back to District 12 and Peeta planted those primroses outside my house what I needed was his kindness, his calmness. I didn't need Gale's anger to keep me going, I had enough of my own. I chose Peeta that day."
"Gale and your mother once meant a lot to you. It's okay to want to reconcile, to move forward. I know you miss them, just as much as you miss Prim. He might have let you down, but I think there were more instances of him being the person you needed him to be than not. Sure, the one time he let you down was the most tragic, but you don't even know for sure that it was his bomb. You will never know. Why throw what you had away on an assumption? As for your mother, I think you have made a lot of progress there. I think you would agree with me that you have forgiven her, as much as you can. Am I correct? Rain asked.
"Yes" Katniss responded.
"Well, I hope once you leave here, though who knows when that will be now. No one could have predicted what happened yesterday or what will happen next. But, I hope once you do leave you would be ready to go your mother and start over."
"Yes" Katniss responded for a second time.
"Good. I hoped you would say that. As for Gale, for the most part the two of you had a good relationship, until the games correct?"
Katniss sighed. She didn't want to keep talking about Gale but she knew Rain would keep asking these questions. "Yes, he was my best friend. He was the only person who knew the real me, besides my family."
"And when you came back from the games?"
"Well, things were different, I was different. I was struggling to cope with what I did in the arena. He was jealous about what happened between Peeta and me. He confesses his love for me, but I couldn't let myself reciprocate those feelings back. I had an image to keep up, the image of being in love with Peeta. I discovered I did care for him when he was almost whipped to death by a peacekeeper, and I think, something might have happened after that, but then the Quarter Quell happened. Peeta and I grew closer, he was captured by the Capitol. Peeta was a top priority, getting him out of there. When I got to District 13 with Gale that's when things started to change. He became obsessed with destroying the Capitol. I slowly began to realize he and I didn't agree on how the rebellion was supposed to work. He was okay with sacrificing innocent people, I was not." Katniss felt that answer should be sufficient enough for Rain. Of course it was not.
"So, if I had you write down in your book what you could forgive him for, what would it be?"
Katniss had to think for a few moments before answering. "The nut, his jealousy, not telling me until after I already started the charade with Peeta about how he really felt."
"Very good, and what you can't forgive?" Rain knew this answer, but she wanted Katniss wanted to say it aloud.
Katniss didn't have to think twice before answering, "His willingness to let innocent people die, and not coming to see me in District 12." The reality of her second part not setting in right away.
"I take it Prim fits into the willingness to let others die correct?" Rain asked surprised by that answer.
"Of course, it wasn't just Prim's death that crushed me, I mean, it was at first. But over time I came to realize I hated the fact that it wasn't just Prim who died that day from his bomb. A lot of others did as well. That's why I said he let me down in the greatest way possible."
Rain was even more confused. "Then why would you have wanted him to come see you in District 12?"
Katniss realized what she had, Rain asking that question just verified she did in fact say it. She had hoped she hadn't voiced that thought aloud. "District 12 was my home, just like it was his, I thought he would come to help re-build. Maybe if he had done that, we could have become friends again. If he had showed the commitment to making things right between us. But instead, he got his fancy government job and made TV appearances instead. He forgot about me."
"Well, you can't blame him for keeping his distance. You told me yourself you made it pretty clear your goodbye to him was final" Rain said.
Katniss turned and smiled at Rain. A sad smile. "The Gale I knew would have come back and fought for me."
"Well, it seems a little extreme to say that is unforgivable don't you think? I mean, innocent people dying, I get that. But think about it Katniss, how can you say it is unforgivable that he didn't come to see you in District 12?"
"When I arrived back that was the lowest point in my life. I didn't eat, I didn't shower, I didn't leave my house, I didn't leave a chair! A woman named Greasy Sae had to come and bring food for me each day. She, Peeta, and Haymitch were the only ones there for me. Not Gale, not my mother. My mother—I guess I can forgive her because District 12 had too many bad memories, my father, now Prim. And she did call me. But Gale, if he loved me as much as he said he did, he would have come to help me. I needed him then more than ever. Instead he started a new life in District 2 and started kissing other girls I'm sure." Katniss would sometimes think about it when she saw him on the TV giving interviews.
"You sound jealous" Rain challenged.
"Maybe I am, a little. He was always making out with other girls. Even after he knew that he had feelings for me. How is it supposed to make me feel? Someone who I had feelings for has his lips on someone else?"
"Maybe it was his way of coping."
Katniss snickered. "Well, that's not my idea of coping."
Rain was really proud of Katniss. She didn't dare tell her that. But she finally got Katniss to admit the real reason why she couldn't forgive Gale. That it was more than just his bomb possibly killing Prim. That it broke her heart that he was willing to let innocent people die and that he wasn't there for her when she needed him most.
Later on, when the tribe took a break to eat dinner, Rain decided it was time to tell Katniss some things about herself.
"You asked me once how my mother met my father. I figured I'd tell you the story, if you still want to hear it."
Katniss perked up, "yes, I would, very much so."
"My mother of course was from District 9. As you know, my district is known for grain. Most of the people there were farmers. My grandfather was a farmer. He was out in the field a lot, one day, a terrible accident happened. One of his legs got run over by a plow. My mother was always interested in herbal medicine, it's where I got interested in being a healer, however, she didn't have anything to help my Grandfather, and his injuries were too great. His leg became infected. She knew she had to find an herb that could heal the infection. She jumped the fence and headed into the wild territory. She had heard stories growing up that there were certain herbs and plants that only grew in the wild territory. Her plan was to try to find as many herbs and plants as she could and bring them back. But my mother was not one to plan ahead much, she was so focused on finding herbs and plants for my Grandfather she wasn't careful. She stumbled upon a cougar's cubs by accident and was immediately attacked. She didn't have anything to defend herself. The large cat slashed her entire body and tore up her legs. She managed to somehow crawl away. The cat didn't follow, going back to her cubs. After she was far enough away she passed out. She was bleeding heavily and slowly dying. My father found her and brought her back to the tribe. His family took care of her injuries and she recovered. She was with him and his family a long time, long enough that she developed strong feelings. But once she fully recovered which took several months, she knew she had to get back to District 9. Most likely her father died and her mother thought she was dead. Once she got back she discovered her father had indeed died. Her mother though was beyond happy to see that her daughter hadn't died. My mother also discovered she was pregnant with me. She wanted to go back to him, but she knew she had to stay, for my Grandmother's sake."
Katniss definitely understood where he mother was coming from. "So how did you find them? Your father's family?"
"My mother knew how to get back to the tribe. The day she left my father had given her a map he made showing her the way from the border. She gave me the map. As I said before, after my first reaping I decided to seek them out. It wasn't easy at first. My father had no idea I existed. The tribe didn't want me there. But since I look so much like my father there was no denying I was his child. Eventually we grew close and I grew close with the tribe. I used to ask my mother to come with me when I visited, but when she found out my father had married and had other children, she refused to come."
"How long ago did your father die?" Rain had never told Katniss where he was, she just assumed he had passed.
"Nine years ago. The year you volunteered for your sister. My mother did come to see him though. It was the only time she had returned. I was with her of course to translate. She had forgotten much of the language. My father told her even though he had remarried, he still loved her, that he never stopped loving her. He understood she had to be with her family. That other people needed her. He had forgiven her for never telling him he was a father."
"Thank you for telling me" Katniss said, putting a hand on Rain's shoulder. "Why did your mom name you Rainbow?" Katniss couldn't help but wonder.
Rain laughed and said, "My mother said when I was born, a bad storm had ended. After I was placed in her arms she looked out the window and saw a rainbow—bright and colorful. The most beautiful rainbow she had ever seen."
Katniss smiled. She was glad she had Rain as a friend, she didn't really have a female friend she confided in since Madge.
Later that night, she dreamed she was lying in a big green meadow. A large and colorful rainbow was above her in the sky. Feeling the same sense of calm she had before. She realized she was holding hands with someone. She turned to her left and saw she was holding Prim's hand. Prim smiling at her, her hair looking even blonder than usual from the bright sun. She turned to her right, still holding Prim's hand, Gale was lying beside her. She reached out and he grabbed her hand. His grey eyes looking deeply into hers. She closed her eyes and moved her head to the center, still holding both of their hands. She wondered if this what heaven was like. All three of them laying together in the meadow, holding hands and staring up at the rainbow above them. She didn't want the feeling to end.
When she woke up the next morning, she was not upset by the dream, in fact, she was upset she had woken up. And that revelation worried her a great deal.
