DISCLAIMER: HG characters do not belong to me.
Chapter 13-Lost Loves
For the next seven days Katniss, Rain and the tribe continued on the walk to the closest neighboring tribe-the Comanche. Katniss was told by Rain that the Comanche tribe was different from the Sioux. For one, they had a strong horse culture. Katniss saw very few horses with Rain's tribe, most of the Native's walked. Due to the long travel and cold weather conditions, the senior tribe members were riding the horses. Rain however explained that pretty much every Comanche tribe member has a horse. Another difference between the two tribes is that the Comanche do not have a single leader like the Sioux. Instead the tribe has a small group of people who serve as a counsel and advisors to the tribe members. The council making the decisions of the group. Like the Sioux, there was once many different Comanche tribe groups scattered throughout Panem, but now only a single tribal group exists with about 150 members. They were once one of the more dominant tribes in Panem and Rain explained it was not and is still not uncommon for them to take people as captives. Hearing that made Katniss immediately uncomfortable. Rain explained that most of the people taken were runaways from other tribes, very few were from Panem. The ones that were from Panem were also mostly runaways. Some of the captives were returned to the tribes they came from, the ones whose tribe didn't come looking for them were not. The captives from Panem were never released.
"Tell me why we are going to help them again?" Katniss asked. She didn't understand why the tribe even wanted to help the Comanche after hearing what they are like.
"To warn them about the cameras, we may need to stay there for a couple of days to rest after walking for so many days. We also need their help to see if they would be willing to join us in warning the other 5 tribes. They are quite spread out. The furthest tribe away from my village is about a 3 month walk. The more Natives willing to help, the quicker the word can spread. I know this tribe has different values than mine, but at the end of the day the Natives have to stick together, especially if they are in danger from the Capitol."
"How are they going to react to me?" Katniss feared the possibility of being a target there.
"We will make it quite clear you are with us. They will leave you alone, if they don't, every tribe member in the Sioux will fight for you." Rain responded with a tone of absolute assurance.
Katniss smiled, it felt good to know she would be protected, especially by a group of people who she has only known for a few months. The tribe's kindness never ceased to amaze her. She knew when the time came for her to leave would be hard. However, at the moment, it looked like she wasn't leaving the wild territory anytime soon. For one, she was not done working with Rain, she still needed to figure out some things. Another reason she couldn't leave is because it was unknown if it was even safe to return to Panem. She was still trying to wrap her head around the cameras that were discovered at the village and what that meant. Once the Capitol's military saw the tribe vacated the village, then what? Would they plan an attack? A roundup? There were so many unanswered questions. She wished she could call Haymitch, the only person connected to the Capitol she could trust.
She understood the Native's loyalty to each other, despite the differences in their cultures. But going to this tribe gave Katniss an uneasy feeling she couldn't explain.
She had been having a lot of uneasy feelings, but in a different regard. She continued to dream about Gale, night after night. Some of the dreams involved other people besides Prim, Rue and Madge appeared in some dreams, even Finnick appeared in one. But Gale always showed up eventually in each dream. Some of the dreams were the two of them hunting, talking in the meadow like they used to do in District 12. Some of the dreams involved no words—the two of them looking intently at each other, or doing other things besides staring. It made her uncomfortable thinking about the dreams, she was doing very intimate things with Gale in the dreams, things she has never done with Peeta. She needed to figure out why she would have these kind of dreams about him, and why now. She knew she needed to tell Rain about it even though the subject matter was highly private.
"Let's talk after dinner, we can head out to a more private area" Rain suggested. Once the tribe stopped for dinner, they would set up camp and settle for the night. Getting a good night's rest before packing up and moving on at sunrise the next morning.
After they finished eating and conversing with the other tribe members, Rain and Katniss took a walk through the forest and ended up by a small lake. They both leaned up against large rocks and Katniss began spilling to Rain the things that were happening in the dreams. How Gale would kiss her in places only Peeta touched, how Gale entered her in an area she would never ask Peeta to, how she never even had any interest in doing such a thing. How they would pleasure each other endlessly. How these dreams elicited a passion she didn't know existed in herself. She questioned if the dreamcatcher was still working the way it was supposed to. Or, if she was being influenced by negative energy again.
"When you wake up from these dreams, how do you feel?" Rain asked. She did not snicker or laugh when Katniss talked about some of the things that happened in the dreams, she just listened carefully without passing judgment.
"I wake up sweating, panting, but feeling almost sedated. Sometimes it takes a couple of seconds to realize it was a dream."
"So, you would say they are good dreams?" Rain asked quizzically.
"If Gale was my boyfriend yes, they would be good dreams, but he's not. I should be having these kinds of dreams about my boyfriend, not someone from my past."
"Well, I would say the dreamcatcher is still working, you are not dreaming about the horrors of the games, you might not like these dreams, but the dreamcatcher does allow happy thoughts to enter the mind. Perhaps it is positive energy being funneled through these dreams."
Katniss couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You don't get it, these are not good thoughts! This is a betrayal to Peeta. And since I've been here I've hardly thought about him, do you know how terrible that makes me feel?"
"It may feel like a betrayal, but you can't control your dreams. I told you when we met you would have to face some of the issues of your past, Gale is definitely one of those issues. Perhaps you are having these dreams to force you to face what you need to do." Rain braced herself for the next pushback she would get from Katniss.
"And what's that?" Katniss asked flatly.
"Confront him, make amends, try to let go of your anger. It doesn't mean you two have to best friends again, he might not even want that, but at least have a conversation with him about how he let you down and have some type of closure, real closure, not your curt goodbye you gave him that day in the Capitol. It may result in a screaming match between the two of you, but that's what you need. To be honest with him about how you feel. Only then can you be at peace with what happened between the two of you. I'll be honest with you, I think you chose Peeta because he was there for you in District 12, he helped take your pain away and calm your anger and resentment. But I feel it only distracted you for a little while, I think you lost your way after a few years and you don't know who you are now or what you want out of life. Remember when I first met you, you said you were no one. You need to find your way again. Perhaps, finding your way means not being in a relationship at all. I told you before I think there is an unhealthy attachment between you and Peeta. I understand it, I can't imagine going through what the two of you went through, but you need to be able to live your life for you. Find yourself, then resume a relationship, whether it be with Peeta or someone else. By not thinking about him, I think it shows the dependency is starting to go away. Doesn't mean you care any less, but to move forward you can't be obsessed with the past. The games, your relationship with Peeta, all part of the past."
"Gale is my past!" Katniss said defiantly.
"Yes and no. You knew him before the games, he knew the real you, you said so yourself. He was involved with the rebellion and that Gale is the Gale you didn't care for. If that is Gale that you see again, then I would say he too is part of the past that is not healthy. But if he is the old Gale that was your best friend, then the one you saw in District 13 was the Gale trying to survive the war. Like you said, trauma changes you. He witnessed trauma when he saw District 12 get blown up. Don't forget that."
Katniss sat for a few moments and let Rain's words sink in. She shook her head in disagreement and said, "So, you are saying to end things with Peeta to try to reconcile with Gale?"
Rain laughed, "No, I truly think the best thing for you is to go to District 4 and try to build a better relationship with your mother. If you want to call it a break up, or taking a break, that's up to you. I think you should find a job, an actual job, one you get paid for. I know in District 12 there was a lot of trading and selling. I think you should see what life is like in a district other than 12. I know that's hard for you to imagine, but you might actually like it. If you find it's not for you, go back to 12, I'm sure Peeta would be there for you, you could even ask him to come with you to District 4, but from what you've told me it sounds like he has started to establish himself there with a new bakery. You need to do something that is yours, your own identity. I know you like helping him with the bakery, but admit it, you are bored."
Katniss looked down and shook her head in agreement.
"It's okay to admit that, one cannot find happiness from one person alone. A person has to be happy with themselves too. I am not trying to belittle what you have with Peeta, I'm really not, but he knows things weren't right in your relationship, that's why he reached out to your mom for help."
"What about Gale? When would you suggest I have my heart to heart with him?" Katniss wasn't sure if she wanted to hear this answer but found herself asking anyway.
"When you are ready to leave here. You don't have to do it person, you could write a letter. That might be better, from what you just told me about your dreams, doesn't sound like you two could keep your hands off of each other" Rain winked at Katniss.
Katniss playfully hit Rain on the shoulder. "Cut it out, I told you that in confidence" she shrieked.
"I know, I am just messing with you. Those were some pretty intense dreams. I understand why you are concerned. But honestly Katniss, unless for some reason you are not satisfied with Peeta when it comes to your sex life, I think these dreams are unresolved feelings. I know you don't want to hear that."
Katniss sighed. She didn't think she was unsatisfied with her sex life with Peeta, sure it wasn't as frequent as it was in the past, but she knew that was because she was becoming overwhelmed with sadness and was losing interest. It started to bother her that maybe that was a possibility, that she was unsatisfied. Was it part of being bored in District 12?
The thought of leaving District 12 started to cause her to become anxious. She never lived anywhere else, District 12 was her home. Even though she would like to try to have a better relationship with her mother, she didn't know if she could really do it.
"I'll think about it. It might be easier if you came with me" Katniss said to Rain.
"Well, I may not be able to come right away, looks like I am going to be gone from District 9 a lot longer than I thought I would. I would have to see what the hospital needs from me. I could maybe see if they would be willing to let me go to District 4 again, perhaps there is a new treatment or research they want me to find out about."
"Okay, and I'll probably just write Gale a letter, I don't want to go to District 2 and interrupt his important job" Katniss said mockingly. She would be willing to write Gale, but she couldn't confront him, she wasn't ready, plus she would feel too uneasy with these dreams still lingering in her mind. And she would feel less guilty about betraying Peeta if she expressed her feelings on paper instead of in person.
"However you want to do it, I'm just glad you are willing to do it. Now, the last thing I need you to do is let go of your resentment for the Capitol." Rain said with a smile.
"Ha! Fat chance of that, if anything my anger is more fired up than ever towards them."
"Well, we cannot jump to conclusions until we know for sure. Maybe it is not Paylor's doing but someone else in the Capitol, a rogue group or something. I am not asking you to forgive Snow, but, again part of whole, letting go of the past. Moving on. You are not the only one who had someone you loved taken from you by them."
Katniss perked up by this statement, "what do you mean?" she asked.
"As you know, I started sneaking into the wild territory after my first reaping. Once I got older, I thought about staying with the tribe, not going back to Panem, what was the point if there was a possibility I could die? But I never did because of my mother and her family, but also because of someone else."
"Who?" Katniss asked.
"I had a boyfriend in District 9, I met him when I was 16. Jackson was his name, he went to my school. I had always known him, but never knew he was interested in me until he asked me to a field party one day. Yes, due to the number of farmers in the district field parties were quite common." Rain laughed when Katniss gave her a puzzled look.
"And" Katniss pressed.
"And, the rest was history, we became boyfriend and girlfriend shortly after. We were inseparable. My father had become angry I was not coming to the village as much. I brushed it off telling him it was unsafe with increased peacekeeper security. I knew he didn't believe me though. I had my whole life planned out before me. Marrying Jackson, having children, being a local healer, he a farmer. But then the unthinkable happened."
"He was reaped?" Katniss asked nervously.
"Yes, when we were 18. The very last time our names were in the bowl. No one volunteered to take his place" Rain smiled sadly.
"How, how long did he survive?" Katniss asked cautiously.
"Actually, pretty long, he was strong, good at survival skills. I guess growing up on a farm helped. He made it to the final 3. I thought, maybe he can actually do it, be victor. It was so nerve wracking to watch on the TV screen. He was killed in a one on one fight with the victor of that games, Brutus. Brutus was looking for revenge because Jackson killed the female tribute from 2, he took her by surprise and snapped her neck instantly. I couldn't believe he had done that, but I know he did it to get back to me. Like you promised Prim, he promised me he would try to win for me. Unfortunately he was no match for Brutus, they fought for a good 5 minutes, but then Brutus made him stumble on a move and pierced his heart with a sword. I'll never forget watching him take his last breath. How I wasn't screaming at that moment I still don't know. Brutus then quickly killed the last tribute remaining from District 7 the next day, a female who was pretty good at hiding. Jackson could have easily finished off the person in District 7 had he survived."
"I'm sorry" Katniss said putting a hand on Rain's knee.
"After, I went back to the village. Stayed with my father and his family for a good six months or so. I didn't plan to ever return to District 9. I was finished with school so I didn't care. I felt there was no future for me there."
"So what changed your mind?"
"Well, I was pretty depressed, I hardly left my tepee. But I learned from my father and the tribe that I needed to let go of my anger with the Capitol. That I still had a life to live there and that my mother still needed me. My father told me, that by running away and hiding in the forest I let the Capitol win. That I let them control my fate. I decided to go back, I started working as a healer and life slowly returned to normal for me there. And of course I still had the tribe. I have had other relationships over the years, but, nothing compared to the bond I had with Jackson. I'm still looking for that one person who can make me feel like he did."
"And what way was that?"
"Alive, he made me smile all the time. He knew the real me, I felt he was the one person I could totally be myself with. We used to spend Sundays together, just him and me, it was the one day he didn't have to work with his father on the farm."
Katniss thought about how she used to feel this way with Gale. How when he started working in the mines they only had Sundays to spend together. Feelings of sadness started to overwhelm her. To stop the tears from falling, she changed the subject and said, "Did you see Brutus's death in the Quarter Quell?"
"Yes, I saw how Peeta killed him. I was shocked, I hadn't been that shocked watching a kill since Jackson killed the girl from 2. While I had some satisfaction seeing him die, it didn't give me the sense of closure I was hoping for. I think I realized, that I learned only a power higher than us can determine who deserves to live and who dies. A part of me felt pity, Brutus was a victim of life in District 2, and he was never given a chance to be anything different."
Katniss thought about Rain's words, while she still thought Brutus had a choice, she understood not having the closure she thought she would watching him die. She felt that way when she watched Snow die.
They sat there for a few moments, looking at the moon when finally Rain said, "we better head back."
Katniss nodded and started to rise and stretch, her legs stiff from sitting in one position for so long. She turned around to grab her bow and gun when she saw in her peripheral vision a black figure emerge from behind the rock and hit her right in the face with an object, knocking her unconscious.
