Thanks to all who keep reviewing. I try to respond to everyone personally. So if I missed anyone or didn't have an email to respond to, I'm sorry. I do appreciate all the reviews! Keep 'em coming:)
If you're just joining the story...Chandler got some bad news from the fertility doctor. Monica's been told, but the rest of the gang are unawares. Chandler underwent a procedure to confirm the diagnosis. This part was longer than I intended, but hopefully you'll enjoy. Now on with the story...
Oh, and of course I own none of the characters darnit...
Chandler made his way slowly down the hallway, hanging onto the wall for support. He still felt a little dizzy from the anesthesia. Monica hung a step behind him. She had to restrain herself from putting a steadying hand on his back. She was worried - that went without saying. But she was also kind of...numb. Somehow it still didn't feel completely real. Maybe that was just wishful thinking.
Monica dug the room key out of her purse, not failing to notice the way Chandler was leaning against the wall. Monica held the door open for him as he entered and proceeded to collapse on the bed.
"Do you want me to go get us something to eat," sheoffered as she placed the room key on the desk and shrugged her coat off.
Chandler stared at her awhile before answering. "No, not really. I just want to hold you for awhile if you don't mind."
"Not at all, baby." She crawled onto the bed next to him and laid her head on his chest. His heartbeat was reassuringly strong.
"We have to talk, Mon."
"I know. I was just kind of enjoying this. We have plenty of time -"
"Do I? Do I have plenty of time? I'm not so sure anymore."
Monica sat straight up. "Don't yell at me, Chandler! We're in this together. What you feel, I feel. You sound like you've given up already." An errant tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. She couldn't help her outburst. Chandler could not give up. He just couldn't. He was her everything...
Chandler brushed the tear away with his thumb. His cheeks burned with shame. "I don't know why I'm yelling at you. I love you so much and I am so incredibly sorry for putting you through this. None of this nightmare is your fault, and I shouldn't be taking it out on you."
"None of it is your fault either, Chandler. I love you more than anything in this world. I think we're both just on edge because of the last couple of days. Fighting with each other is the last thing we should be doing."
"I think it's the next couple of days that's making me crazy." Chandler adjusted the pillow behind his head.
"Point well taken. What are we gonna tell the guys?"
"Nothing just yet. I'd like to get the final results back before we say anything. If it turns out there was a mistake I'll have endured all those looks of pity for nothing." Chandler rubbed his face vigorously.
"It wouldn't be like that." Chandler shook his head in protest. "Okay, maybe at times. But they all care about you so much."
"I know."
"You will get through this...we will. You have to believe that. I do."
"If you believe, then I believe. You are so amazingly wonderful." The kiss he gave her was long and passionate. "I'll never give up. Just don't give up on me."
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Thursday morning had come agonizingly slow. Chandler could barely stay sitting. "This is like waiting for the judge to hand down your sentence."
"And I suppose you'd know that how?" Monica made a weak attempt at humor.
"I'm not joking, Mon. It's like six months to life - or are they one in the same?" Chandler crossed and re-crossed his legs.
"That's not funny, Chandler."
"Like I said, who's joking?"
Finally, the same nurse from two days ago ushered the couple down an eerily similarly decorated hallway. "Wow, talk about deja vu. Do you think she's some weird kind of doctor groupee, or are we stuck in a time warp like in that movie Groundhog Day," Chandler whispered to Monica.
Monica laughed despite the situation. Chandler seemed a little more like himself today, and that in and of itself was a blessing. At least he was joking. She desperately hoped the next few minutes wouldn't change that.
The doctor was conspicuously absent, as if making a late entrance was a course taught in medical school. "You ever wonder why they call it the 'waiting room'? In actuality, it's the room you are in before you go to the waiting room."
Monica chose to ignore Chandler's last statement. She knew he was just blowing off nervous energy. They both sat down in front of a large oak desk. "Impressive." Monica raised her eyebrows.
"I guess the cancer business is good these days." Chandler was clearly uncomfortable, shifting intermittently in his seat.
"Chandler," she tapped him lightly on the arm.
"What? I just hope that I don't buy this guys next Mercedes Benz."
As if on cue, the doctor entered and sat down behind the desk after greeting the couple. He flipped through the file silently. When he looked up from the file, his grim expression said it all. "I wish I had better news. The final pathology report agrees with the preliminary report." Monica and Chandler clasped hands as the doctor continued. "It would be best if we schedule the surgery as soon as possible."
"When you say surgery..." Chandler adjusted his tie.
"The whole testicle will have to be removed along with some lymph nodes to test for metastasis." The doctor closed the file and looked up at the dumbstruck couple.
Monica licked dry lips and asked the question they both dreaded to ask. "So there's a possibility it might've spread?"
"There's always a possibility. The chances are small. Testicular cancer is highly curable. We'll follow up with chemotherapy to make sure we got it all." The doctor paused. "I'm sure you have questions..."
"Um, when you take my, uh - well will I still be able to, um...?"
"If you're asking if you will still be able to have sexual relations with your wife, the answer is yes."
"Will I be able to complete the transaction?"
"More than likely. But -"
"Nothing's ever guaranteed," Chandler finished for him. He leaned forward. "So chemo, huh? How much?"
"Depends on if the cancer's spread. Usually several of what we call 'cycles'. And then there's usually a period of oral maintenance therapy as prophylaxis."
Chandler couldn't help but smirk at that last comment. He failed to keep the laughter out of his voice. "Oral maintenance therapy? My wife might get jealous, Doc." Monica gave his thigh a sharp squeeze. "Ow!Ow!"
The doctor tented his fingers in front of his mouth to suppress a rather unprofessional smile. "Are there any other concerns I can address?"
Monica took the opportunity to speak up. "Will the chemo make him sick? That's a stupid question. Of course it will. I mean, what can we expect?"
"There's a lot of different side effects. Everyone experiences them differently. Some patients experience nausea and vomiting, loss of appetite, fatigue, hair loss, to name a few."
"Okay, you can stop right there." Chandler stilled his shaking hands in his lap. "Um, I heard that it can also - well we were trying to have kids. Is there any possibility that we still could?"
"Unfortunately, it is highly unlikely. Chemotherapy tends to induce sterilization." A nauseating feeling grew in the pit of Chandler's stomach. He locked eyes with Monica, trying to apologize with his eyes.
There it was. The moment that caused your world to come crashing down without prejudice. Not only did the future hold surgery and chemo and more unknowns, but now he was a hundred percent aware he would never be able to provide the children Monica so desperately wanted. The weight of those words caused Chandler's shoulders to slump.
"I'll schedule the surgery for Monday morning if that's okay. I'll have my nurse call you with the details." Monica and Chandler nodded numbly. "I'll leave you two to talk."
"Thank you," Monica called after him. She turned to face Chandler. "Honey? You okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Never better." Chandler gave his tie one final adjustment. He crossed and recrossed his legs.
"Chandler..."
"Not now, Mon. Let's go back to the hotel and get ready to go back home, okay? Please..."
Chandler's pleading tone took her by surprise. Monica relented. She needed time to process this terrible news too. In one short week, their little corner of paradise had come crumbling down around them. She didn't know how to feel, what to think. She only knew that Chandler was the most important thing in the world to her, and she wasn't willing to give him up without a fight.
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Chandler silently packed his belongings into the lone suitcase they had brought. Monica was out getting dinner for the two of them. He was secretly grateful for the solitude.
He stared at his reflection in the mirror and tried to imagine himself without any hair, and minus one testicle. Always insecure, he couldn't fathom why Monica would want to stay with him. He loved her so much, and because he loved her, he couldn't hurt her like this. That would be selfish. He knew what he had to do.
Monica blew in the door and dumped their dinner on the small table, causing Chandler to break out of his reverie. He joined Monica and they both ate silently, each avoiding looking at the other one. The food was lukewarm and rubbery, but it didn't matter because they weren't tasting it anyway.
Chandler threw the rest of his dinner in the trash and stood up. "I'm going for a walk."
"Please stay," Monica begged. She put a hand on his arm for emphasis.
"I need to get out of here. These walls are- I just need to get out of here for a bit." Chandler threw on his jacket and moved towards the door.
"Did I do something?"
Chandler threw up his hands in defeat. "No, of course not. I just need some air."
"Some smoky air," Monica challenged.
"Yeah," he admitted.
"How can you smoke at a time like this?"
"How can I not? I just need to think."
"'Bout what?" Chandler looked at her as if she had two heads. "Sorry. Stupid question. Any one thing in particular?"
"For starters - you."
Monica smoothed the bedspread repeatedly. "Me? What about me?"
"I told you I would spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you made me." His voice trembled with emotion. "And now it looks like I won't be able to make good on that promise."
"Chandler..."
He held up a hand to stop her. "No, wait. Mon," he sat down and grabbed both of her hands in his. "You shouldn't have to spend your time taking care of a sick husband. Especially a husband that will never be able to give you children."
"What are you saying?"
"Monica, you know I love you so much. But if you want a divorce, I won't fight it." He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. He let his eyes fall to the floor.
Monica shot off the bed. Her blue eyes blazed with the hurt she felt. "Now let's get one thing straight, Chandler Bing. I love you and nothing will ever change that. Nothing! Not sickness, not lack of children, not even death."
Monica circled around the bed and knelt in front of him. She placed her hands on either side of his face and tilted it upwards until it was even with hers. He struggled to look away, blinking back tears. But she held fast and wouldn't let him look away. "Look at me." Chandler reluctantly met her gaze. "I don't care about all that other stuff. All that other stuff means nothing if I can't have you to share it with."
Chandler brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. "I would give anything to change the situation. I can't stand being the one that causes you pain. And it's only gonna get worse."
"You don't know that. There's no doubt about it, this situation pretty much blows. But Chandler, we just have to deal with it head on - together. No matter what happens, I will be here. Always."
He leaned his forehead against hers. "Always," he echoed. He slid his lips gently against hers. She rose up to meet him hungrily.
The couple eased down onto the bed, slowly removing articles of clothing. They moved against each other with ease, each one lost in the moment. All the thoughts and fears were forgotten for the moment. All that mattered was each other...
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Chandler awoke the next morning with Monica lying next to him. Her raven hair fell softly across his chest. He looked at her lovingly as she stirred against him. "Morning beautiful."
"Mmmm. Morning." She yawned and stretched herself awake.
Watching his wife go through that simple routine made him fall in love with her all over again. He had the best reason in the world right beside him to fight this thing inside him. Monica padded into the bathroom, and soon Chandler heard the shower running. He jumped up and quietly dialed room service. The shower was still running when he hung up, so he stripped down and slipped into the shower with Monica.
Chandler heard the knock on the door as he was toweling off. He threw on the white robe hung conveniently on the back of the bathroom door and burst out of the shower. "I got it. I got it." Chandler answered the door slightly out of breath.
Chandler brought the tray in and set it on the bed. Monica laughed. "What's this?"
"Breakfast. I don't know about you, but last night I worked up an appetite." He jumped on the bed in one fluid motion.
Monica picked up a piece of toast and shoved it in his mouth playfully. "Alright, smart guy. It was pretty great though wasn't it?"
Chandler chewed thoughtfully. "Ehh." Monica smacked him lightly on the shoulder. "Seriously, I thought we could have a nice morning before we head back. We may not have a minute alone the rest of the day."
Monica sipped at some coffee. "You're right. We will probably have some company."
"I bet you we won't be in the door five minutes. They'll be on me like a pack of wild dogs - especially Ross and Joey."
"Um, honey? How do you want to handle it? Do you want them to know right away?"
Chandler sighed heavily. He knew he would have to tell them sooner rather than later. It would be difficult to hide the truth. Having surgery, losing his hair, puking...all of those things might be tip offs. He just wanted the status quo to continue.
Chandler didn't want pitying or sympathetic stares. No tears. What he wanted was to continue with his life as normally as possible. He wanted to hang out with his friends, not have them hanging all over him trying to do things for him.
Chandler chastised himself for berating his friends. They were all wonderful people that had his best interest at heart. He had experienced more love and support and trust in their tight circle than he had ever known. He owed his friends this honesty. Whatever happened, happened. But he did feel that Ross and Joey should be taken aside first, and he told Monica as much.
"However you want to do it, sweetie. If you want I can get the girls together and tell them."
"Yeah, that would be helpful. At least I wouldn't have to go through the same speech twice."
Chandler laughed it off, but Monica could see inside he was as nervous as she was. Saying it aloud to the others would solidify the reality even further.
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Chandler and Monica crept into their apartment. They crossed the living room into the bedroom to set their bags down. The pair unpacked quickly having more pressing business to attend to.
"Are you ready for this," Monica broke the silence.
Chandler blew out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He crossed the bedroom and put his hands on her slim hips. "No. But I don't see any other choice. Everyone will find out eventually anyway. I just don't have any idea how to do it."
She stood on her toes and kissed him. "Just go easy on the sarcasm and you'll do fine. Good luck."
"Yeah, you too. You better wear waterproof clothes." Monica gave him a quizzical look. "Rachel cries at the drop of a hat."
"Right. You're stalling, though. I've gotta straighten up a little before the girls get here."
"Should I be serving hors derves at this type of thing?"
Monica grinned. "Right there- sarcasm."
Chandler returned the smile before exiting the bedroom. He made his way over to apartment 19. He raised his hand to knock, but hesitated mid-air. He finally drew on his strength and knocked, walking in as he did so.
"Joey," he called.
Suddenly a book flew across the room. "Geez! You scared the crap outta me, Chan. Hey, you're back."
"The Shining? Again?" Chandler picked it up and let it fall back to the floor. "God, it's cold."
"Yeah, well," Joey looked sheepish. "So how's it going?"
"Have you seen Ross?" Chandler purposefully avoided the question.
"At home, I think." Joey didn't even have time to ask why as Chandler picked up the phone and dialed. When he hung up he turned to Joey and said simply, "Ross is on his way over."
Chandler sat down in the recliner and chewed on a thumbnail. Joey made several false starts to say something. He finally settled on sitting in the adjoining recliner.
Ross burst into the apartment. "What is it? What's so important?"
Chandler rubbed his hands through his hair. He got up and paced the room. "Um, okay. You guys know about the fertility test?" The two friends both nodded, encouraging him to continue.
"Ross was right. There was more to it than just not being able to have kids."
"And...," Ross prompted.
"God, this is hard. Maybe you should sit down too, Ross." He indicated the seat next to Joey that he had recently vacated. Ross took his suggestion and Chandler chose a barstool opposite both of them.
Joey studied his best friend, concerned. He hadn't seem him like this since the night of the proposal when Chandler thought Monica had left him. "What is it? Is Monica okay? Are you okay?"
"No. I mean, Monica's okay. It's me. They um, found something - a blockage. Um, a tumor." Chandler willed himself to continue through their stunned silence. "See, that's where me and Monica were. I had a biopsy done...and it came back positive." Chandler folded his hands in front of his face as if in prayer, awaiting his friends' reactions.
"P-p-positive," Joey stammered. He was obviously confused, but Ross wore a look of recognition. "What does that mean?"
"Cancer, Joe. I have cancer."
"Where - um, what kind," Ross asked quietly.
"Testicular."
"So what's next?"
"Surgery to remove it. Then chemo, probably."
Joey sat silently throughout the exchange trying to let it all sink in. "But it's not possible."
"I'm afraid it is, Joe." Chandler got off the barstool and moved a step closer to his friend.
"But you can't have - It doesn't happen to people like you. You have a wife. You want kids. It shouldn't happen to people like you. " Joey was becoming more and more agitated.
Chandler had eased forward until he was directly in front of Joey. He ran a hand through his thick brown hair once again. Joey's initial reaction was understandable. Chandler had wanted to deny it too. Even with the initial phonecall, he had shaken his head as the doctor delivered the news. And telling Monica hadn't made it seem real either. But after undergoing all the tests, the point was rudely driven home.
He now stood before two of his closest friends in the entire world, trying to convince one of them to believe what he wanted to pretend wasn't true. "Joe, it's going to be okay. Okay?" Chandler placed a well-meaning hand on Joey's shoulder.
"How? How is it going to be okay? It's cancer, Chandler. Even I know that." Joey shrugged off Chandler's hand and stood up until he was eye to eye with him.
"I know that ! But I'm not dead yet." Ross got up as if to step between them. The tension in the room was palpable. Chandler stopped him with a hand in the air. "Look, it's very treatable. According to the doctor, it's a highly curable cancer. I'll have surgery to remove it; maybe chemo if it's spread. That's it."
Joey turned to Ross. "Ross, you're a doctor. Is that right?"
Ross threw a furtive glance at Chandler. "Well, I'm not a medical doctor, but um, yeah, I have heard that."
"I've met with a couple of doctors, and that seems to be the consensus."
"So you've had second opinions?"
"And thirds. They all pretty much said the same thing."
Joey suddenly went quiet. Ross took the opportunity to ask, "So um, how soon do they um, want to do surgery?"
Chandler reluctantly took his eyes off of Joey to turn and face Ross. "Monday," he replied flatly.
"Monday! That's so fast." Joey collapsed back down into the recliner and hung his hands in his heads. "This is really real, isn't it?"
Chandler nodded. Joey in turn jumped up and hugged his best friend forcefully. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he sniffed.
"For what?"
Joey pulled out of the hug. "For jumping all over you. I just - it's scary, you know?"
"Yeah, I do know," Chandler agreed.
The trio stood around wordlessly. The reality of the situation had finally sunk in for all of them. No one was sure what to say or do.
Chandler went to the refrigerator and grabbed three beers and handed them out. "Should we be doing this," Ross asked.
"No, probably not," Chandler conceded. "But let's do it anyway." With that said, he disappeared into the bathroom. He came back out with a cigarette in hand.
Both Ross and Joey seemed as if they wanted to stop him, but neither one had the heart. They didn't fail to notice his hands shaking as he went to light it. He drew in an uneven breath and blew it out again. "Drink up, guys. It might be my last one for awhile."
Chandler tipped the bottle up and took a long swallow. He lowered it and studied it while taking another puff. Suddenly, he launched it against the door. It exploded in tiny green shards.
Ross and Joey stared at the foamy beverage dripping down the door. Chandler's outburst had startled them. Chandler began walking towards his old bedroom after flicking his cigarette in the sink.
Joey grabbed him by the shoulder and was shocked to see tears threatening in the corner of Chandler's eyes. "Leave me alone," Chandler said.
Joey drew him into a hug and motioned Ross over. "No. We're not gonna leave you alone. You'll never be alone. We'll be with you ever step of the way no matter what, you hear me?"
Ross felt Chandler trembling as he joined the hug. "Dammit," Chandler muttered as the tears fell.
"It's okay. It's gonna be okay," Ross assured him. He had never seen his friend this upset. Crying was just not something Chandler did. And Ross had witnessed him break down not just once, but twice. Ross could only imagine the pain Chandler must be going through. Ross's thoughts inevitably turned to his sister.
As if reading his mind, Chandler whispered, "I never meant to hurt your sister, Ross." Ross began to protest, but Chandler cut him off. "I love her so much, and it kills me that I'm putting her through this."
Ross extricated himself from the group hug. "You are not 'putting her through' this! You didn't choose this. It's not like you said, 'gee, what would make my life more fun? Ooh, I know. Cancer'."
Chandler smirked. "True enough." His expression grew serious again. "But you know I'd do anything to make her happy. And I don't thinking taking care of a sick husband that failed in the baby-making department, is going to do that."
Ross sighed. "Chandler, she is happy. She loves you. Yeah, the situation sucks. But that's not going to change the way she feels about you."
"Yeah, that's pretty much what she said."
"Huh?" Ross was confused. This conversation seemed to be going around in circles.
Chandler rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I kinda told her that if she wanted out, she could go without a fight. I didn't expect her to stick to her promise if I couldn't give her what I promised."
"What were you thinking? My sister must have flipped! For you to underestimate her feelings like that...Do you have any idea how strong she is?"
"Ya done there, Ross?" Chandler gave Ross a half-smile. "There is no doubt you two are related. I know. When I said it, I wasn't exactly thinking straight. Your sister is the strongest woman I know, and I am absolutely counting on that fact."
Ross wasn't exactly sure what his brother-in-law meant by that last statement. One thing was certain - he was absolutely terrified. His oldest and closest friend, his sister's husband, was undergoing surgery in three short days to remove cancer from his body.
Intellectually he knew that the odds were in Chandler's favor. But as a friend he felt more afraid and helpless than he ever had in his whole life. The possibility existed that they could lose someone very dear to them all. And judging by the expression on Joey's face, similar thoughts were running through his head.
Ross looked back and forth between Joey and Chandler. It was a strange experience for the three of them to be together, and to have no laughter in the room. Would the laughter ever return...or would they lose it forever?
TBC
next Monica tells the girls...
