Ross paused, reluctant to dampen his friend's enthusiasm. But he had no choice. He had come all this way, and it had to be done. "Actually, not so good. That's why I'm here. Joey, you need to come back home."
Joey was filled with panic, and it showed on his face. "What? Why? I don't understand. What's wrong Ross?"
Ross took a step back. He didn't want to ambush him before he even got dressed. "Why don't you go put some clothes on and pack a bag while I put some coffee on?"
Joey wanted to argue, but something in the way Ross looked at him stopped the words before they could leave his mouth. He bounded up the steps, stripping as he went.
"Dude, change upstairs. I don't want to see that."
Ross rummaged around in the kitchen until he found what he was looking for. He barely had time to start the coffee brewing before Joey came fumbling down the steps. He stood in front of Ross, hands on hips. "Alright, what could be so urgent that you are practically forcing me to come back to New York with you?"
"Joey, have a seat."
"Ross, just tell me."
"I think you should sit."
Joey heeded his words and pulled out a chair. He figured it was the best way to get Ross to get on with it.
"You're gonna get angry, but before you do I suggest you listen, really listen to what I have to say." Ross grabbed two coffee cups and set them on the counter. He began to pour the aromatic liquid.
"Ross, you're really scaring me, okay? Could you please just tell me what in the hell is going on?"
Ross sighed. He hated being the bearer of bad news, but he hated the fact that what he was about to say next would destroy his friend, even worse. "Shortly after you left, something happened." Joey waited expectantly for him to continue. "Chandler got some bad news. Some really bad news."
"Oh no. Does he have to go back to Tulsa again? I told him he shouldn't fall asleep. What is with that guy?" Joey did not immediately follow where Ross was going with this. In Joey's mind, the cancer was just a bad memory.
"No. I wish that was it." Ross came and laid a hand on Joey's shoulder. Joey knew something was really wrong for him to display that level of support. "The cancer came back."
"So he has to go through more treatment. Man, that really sucks. How's Monica holding up with the twins and all?"
"Not too well, I'm afraid. See, treatment won't help this time. It's in his brain, all over really. He's dying Joe."
Ross winced, letting that last sentence hang in the air. He had said it aloud and Joey's face reflected all the emotions that were coursing through his body. He was angry, hurt, confused, but most of all he was filled with a crushing sadness.
"He's - he's known all this time," Joey whispered, barely audible.
"Yeah." Ross thought it best not to mince words, and let Joey have his say.
"So, when he came out to California..."
"He knew then, yes."
"He came to say goodbye. Oh my God. I thought he was acting strange." Joey might not have been the brightest bulb on the tree, but he was certainly putting things together now. "Why - why didn't he tell me?"
"I can't pretend to know his reasons. He made us promise not to tell you." Ross sipped his coffee waiting for the outburst he knew was sure to follow this latest revelation.
"You knew? You all knew? How the hell could you keep this from me? He's my best friend! What gives you all the right to decide who knows?"
"Chandler. He wanted to protect you. He didn't want you to sacrifice your career to come home and watch him die. He swore us to secrecy," Ross reiterated.
"You tell him I don't need protecting! Goddamn him! And you, you went along with this?"
"I'm here now Joe. I thought you deserved to know before he...well, you know."
"No, I don't know. How sick is he? How long has he got?"
"Not long. Days maybe."
Joey let a tear trickle down his cheek, unnoticed. "Why even tell me at all at this point?" Joey's eyes widened in realization. "He doesn't even know you are here, does he?"
"Nope. And you can be as mad at me - us as you want. But please don't be angry with Chandler. This is not the time for that. You can be angry later. But you have to come home now. It's time to say goodbye."
Joey had gotten up during his tirade, but he collapsed back into the chair. "Oh my God," he repeated. "How could I not have seen it? How could I not have known?"
Ross watched Joey. His friend was breathing so hard he was practically hyperventilating. Another tear slid down his cheek. "Tell me what happened. I wanna know - from the beginning."
Ross sat down in the chair across from Joey. "It started on Phoebe's birthday. We all had gone out to dinner to try to make up for last year. When we got back to the building Chandler had been hanging back. The girls went upstairs. Before I knew it, Chandler collapsed in the foyer and had a seizure right in front of me."
Joey squeezed his eyes shut, imagining the scenario. No matter how glad he was not to have witnessed that, he still wished he had been there.
"Anyway, he was rushed to the hospital They did scans. And the scans showed the cancer had spread all over his brain."
Joey's face lit up with new hope. "But they can treat it. They treated it the other times it spread, right?"
Ross shook his head, morose. "No. As I said before, there's just too much. There is nothing that can be done. He's had other setbacks along the way too."
Joey paled and looked like he could be sick, right there on the kitchen floor. He was afraid to ask what Ross meant by that, but he needed to know. "What do you mean by that exactly?"
"He's very, very weak. He just got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago. Chandler had a nasty case pf pneumonia. His breathing hasn't been right since. The doctors sent him home on oxygen." Ross wanted to say the next part delicately, but there really was no way to do that. "He was so sick Monica wound up calling an ambulance. He had a massive seizure on the way to the hospital."
Joey shook his head vehemently. He didn't want to hear anymore, but he couldn't bring himself to speak. So Ross continued. "He stopped breathing during the seizure. The doctors said the oxygen deprivation caused a stroke."
Joey's head dropped into his hands. "There's no way. When I saw Chandler he was doing pretty good. A little tired, but still...You're making this up. You have to be. Please Ross, say you're making this up. This is all just some sick joke. You go back there and tell Chandler that this joke isn't funny."
Ross watched Joey get up and pace the floor. He let his friend blow off some steam before he put the final nail in the coffin. "It's not a joke, man. I've never been more serious in my life. Come see for yourself."
All the air had gone out of Joey and left him deflated and defeated. "He doesn't even want me there."
Ross laughed, but there was no humor in it. "That's where you are totally wrong, my friend. He wants you there so much it scares him to even think about it. He wouldn't let himself think about you because it hurt him too much. You should have seen his face every time your name came up in the conversation."
Joey hung on Ross's every word, wanting to believe that was the truth. He wanted to believe his friend did not exclude him from the last months of his life out of spite or selfishness.
What Ross said next finally convinced Joey of Chandler's altruistic motives. "He told Rachel that getting on that plane and walking away from you was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life besides having to leave Monica and the twins."
Joey contemplated the gravity of those words. It finally sunk in that he really did mean as much to Chandler as Chandler meant to him. He friend pushed him away to spare him. This realization sent him over the edge and he dissolved into tears.
Ross couldn't tell what Joey was thinking, only that he was hurting. "Chandler needs you right now. We all do. Say you'll come back with me."
When Joey regained control of himself he answered with a nod. "Anything for Chandler. You know that. That's the way it's always been, and that's the way it will always be."
Joey didn't wait for a response. He ran up the stairs and grabbed his bag. He started to head out the door before something caught his eyes. His hand closed on the metal object, and he kept it clasped there as they made their way back home.
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Monica mopped Chandler's brow with a damp washcloth. He was in a cold sweat from the effort of trying to keep the pain under control. She had given him the maximum amount of every medication she could, but none of it seemed to be dulling the pain.
Chandler's breathing was becoming more erratic. As the pain reached a crescendo, his breathing was harsh and rapid. Then it would slow down to nearly normal. This pattern had continued throughout the afternoon.
The washcloth dampened again. Monica traced his dry, cracked lips. He was too weak to speak, but he thanked her with his eyes. She gave him a small smile to say that she understood.
Rachel and Phoebe could only stand by helplessly and watch their friend suffer the agony. There was very little they could do for him. Rachel silently prayed that Ross had gotten through to Joey, and that the pair were on their way back to New York now. Phoebe shared her anxiety, and kept glancing at her watch.
She had revealed to Phoebe where Ross had gone, but telling Chandler was a different story. However, just looking at him now, she was beyond caring how he reacted. Joey needed to be here. On that point Ross had been right. She pleaded with them to hurry up But it ultimately wasn't up to her. Things were spinning out of control in a hurry.
A loud groan from Chandler ripped her out of her private thoughts. She held in the tears as she saw his face contorted with pain. Monica pressed her lips together tightly to hold in the emotions that threatened to spill out. The last several months had given her a drawn and haggard appearance. Rachel gently removed the washcloth from Monica's hand and took over for her.
Rachel watched Monica disappear into the bathroom before she let her eyes rest back on Chandler. She could see his mouth trying to form the words. With some difficulty he said, "Please...let this end."
Rachel bit on her lip to keep it from trembling. She traced the angle of his jaw with the washcloth as he grimaced. She slid her hand into his right hand. When she was enduring the pain of labor just holding onto someone's hand gave her great comfort, and she attempted to do the same thing for Chandler.
Chandler gripped her hand hard and squeezed as another round of pain coursed through his body. The strength in that hand was disproportionate to the rest of his body. A small voice came through gritted teeth. "Help...me...end...this. Please," he begged her with his eyes.
Phoebe gasped and Rachel turned toward the sound of her cry. She quickly brought her attention back to Chandler as she quickly scrubbed the tears from her cheeks. Rachel cupped his face in her hand. "Oh sweetie, I would love nothing more to relieve you of this pain. But I cannot do what I think you're asking me to do. You gotta hang on a little longer, okay? Please."
Chandler shook his head. Rachel couldn't tell if he was saying to her that he couldn't hold on or that he wouldn't. "Not what I meant...never mind." His breathing was slowing down again, and he was finally getting some rest.
Rachel left her place at the side of the bed and went over to Phoebe. Tough, resilient Phoebe was openly sobbing. "Did he just ask you to..."
"I think so."
"He must be in an ungodly amount of pain to even consider something like that. Nothing we do seems to help at all." Phoebe threw up her hands. "I don't know what to do for him."
"Neither do I. But we have to help him hold on a little longer."
"How?"
"I don't know."
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"What the hell are they doing now Ross?" Joey was agitated and continually fidgeting in his seat.
"There's some sort of mechanical trouble. We just have to wait." Ross sighed and glanced at his watch.
"Wait! We can't wait. Maybe we should rent a car or find another flight or something."
"Joey, it would take us three days to drive there. And all the flights are booked up through tomorrow."
Joey groaned in frustration. "God, this sucks!" He leaned his head back against the head rest. "If he...um, if he's...gone when we get there, I will never be able to live with myself." He rubbed his hands vigorously over his face.
"I should've listened to my gut. I wanted to tell you when he found out."
"Why didn't you?"
"I struggled with it, but ultimately I made a promise to Chandler. I tried to change his mind, but..."
Joey smirked. "Yeah, he can be a stubborn jackass at times."
Ross nearly spit out his water. He chuckled. "You got that right. You remember at the Halloween party when we were arm wrestling. He would not give up. I had to bribe him."
"Hehehe. I knew you didn't beat him fair and square." Joey's face got very animated. "How about when you were trying to get us all dressed to go to that thing, and he wouldn't get outta that chair so I put on all his clothes."
"Didn't he hide your underwear or something?"
Joey dissolved into peals of laughter. "Dude, we had the best fights. We fought a lot.'
"Is that why you guys always hugged so much? Making up?"
"Yeah. No. I dunno. Don't you ever get overwhelmed with emotions sometimes and just have to hug somebody."
"Uh...no."
"Right. I forgot who I was talking to. Here." Joey dug in his bag. He pulled out a framed picture of himself and Chandler. "We had this taken in London. Kinda forgot about it. Found it when I moved. It's been in my apartment ever since."
Ross took the picture out of Joey's hands and held it reverently. "Wow, that's a great picture." It had been a long time since he had seen this Chandler, a happy and healthy Chandler. Ross patted his friend's knee. "I'm gonna get you back there, Joey. Don't worry."
That statement was a harbinger. The engines started up and the pilot announced they would be taking off shortly. Ross offered a silent 'thanks' to whoever had made that possible.
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A desperate call to this nurse sent her running over. Chandler's breathing had become labored. It was hard to tell if it was from the pain or from the disease itself. She placed him on an oxygen mask which seemed to ease his struggle for breath somewhat. She also obtained an order from the on call doctor to up his pain medication.
Finally, Chandler seemed to relax a bit more. Monica sat on the edge of his bed, offering what comfort she could. She felt Chandler slip something into her hand. When she opened it, it revealed his wedding ring. She wore a puzzled expression. "Do me a favor? When Erica's old enough, I want her to have this. She can give it to her future husband."
Monica was touched. "Honey, that's yours. I gave it to you."
"I know. I just wanted to give her something to remember me by."
Monica lovingly stroked his hair. "When the time comes, I promise it will belong to her. But do me a favor? Wear it just a little longer." Chandler nodded his assent and let her slip it back on his finger. The wedding band was now at least two sizes too big.
"I wish I had something meaningful to give Jack," Chandler said wistfully.
"How about your porn collection," Monica quipped.
Chandler laughed. "No, I think Joey's got dibs on that." He thought for a moment. "You know I do have something. Remember that watch you gave me? I wore it until the band fell apart, and never did get it fixed. Maybe you can get it fixed and give it to him?"
"Of course, sweetie. Whatever you want. I'll make sure that he gets it."
"Good. Okay."
Chandler yawned and Monica could tell that sleep was not far off. "Why don't you try to rest a little bit?"
"I got plenty of time for that after I'm gone." Chandler grew forlorn. "I know there are lots of firsts I'm gonna miss. First steps. First days at school. First boyfriends and girlfriends. I just wish I could've made it long enough to see their first Christmas."
He teared up and so did Monica. It hadn't even occurred to her that Christmas was right around the corner. They hadn't had much to celebrate lately, and the holidays had fallen to the wayside. She could hope and wish all she wanted, but the fact of the matter was he would not be around for any more Christmases, or anymore holidays. She wondered just how they would get through this holiday season without him.
Despite his distaste for Thanksgiving, he had managed to make Christmas special for each of them at one time or another. He had dressed up as Santa just to give his nephew a special holiday. He had gone along with Joey and Phoebe when Phoebe thought she was going to meet her real father, unable to do his Christmas shopping because of it.
There were so many special moments that he had given each one of them. He deserved the chance to do that for his children. But life was not fair, and he would never be given that chance. It would be up to Monica alone to create those moments. She would do her best to make him proud.
Night had fallen long ago. The snow that had fallen earlier unbeknownst to them, now gave the city an illuminosity that could only be created by the reflection of the moonlight on the snow covered streets.
Chandler's eyes finally closed despite his efforts to keep them open. Monica hunkered down on the window seat, prepared for a long night of restless sleep by his side. Phoebe and Rachel spread out in the living room with the same intentions. The clock ticked off the minutes as if it were an ominous omen.
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Dawn was breaking over the city as the plane's wheels met the runway. Neither men had had much sleep, their thoughts consumed with their urgent mission. It was breakfast time by the time they reached baggage claim. "You know, Joey. We oughta eat before hitting the road."
Joey for the first time in his life did not feel that gnawinghunger in his belly. It was replaced by a knot of anxiety. ""No. We gotta go. We've already lost so much time."
"It's going to be a very long day. You need to eat while you have the chance. Come on," Ross insisted.
All the fight had gone out of him. He reluctantly agreed. They stuffed their faces with the tasteless food as the made their way through the airport. The snow had made getting a cab somewhat difficult, but finally a driver stopped for them.
The drive took twice the amount of time. The traffic had slowed to a snail's pace due to the newly falling snow. Both their nerves were frayed. Most of the drive was spent in silence. Ross was trying to figure out how to explain to Chandler breaking his promise, and Joey was mentally preparing himself for the harrowing experience to come.
Ross broke the silence. "Why don't you let me talk to Chandler first?"
"What? Why?"
"He's gonna be pissed, and I want him to take out his anger on me - not you. You didn't do this, I did."
"Chandler's changed hasn't he?"
"Some, yeah. But not as much as you might think. He can still be the proud, stubborn guy you remember. He's still getting in his jokes whenever he can too - usually at my expense." Ross smiled but it quickly faded. "It's the physical changes that are the most disturbing."
"What do you mean?"
"It's hard to describe."
"Try me."
"Well, you know how after the chemo he was really skinny and kinda pale?" Joey nodded. "Well, it's kinda like that only, uh worse. You'll see."
"Geez."
"Yeah."
They fell into another awkward silence that lasted until the cab pulled up to the building. To Joey it would always be home, but it was the worst homecoming he could ever recall. Ross gave him a knowing look as he unloaded his bags from the trunk.
The pair trudged up the stairs, their shoes squeaking on the linoleum. Ross opened up the door to Joey's old apartment and set the bags down.
"Dude, what're you doing? Aren't the people that live here gonna be pissed?" Joey did not notice the bareness of the room.
"I don't think so, man. No one lives here. Chandler's name is still on the lease. He made up some excuse about needing storage for extra space with the babies, but I think he just couldn't bear to give the place up."
Emotion welled up inside Joey. It wasn't exactly as if he had left it, but it was close enough. "Wow," was all he could manage to utter.
"Look, why don't you hang out for awhile and I'll go say hey to Chandler."
"Alright." Joey watched as Ross latched the door. He wondered around the apartment soaking up the memories. He approached the door that was never fixed after his foray into carpentry. It was Chandler's old room, now bare.
He traced the outline of where the entertainment center had been on his way to his old room. He opened the door, expecting to find it empty. Instead he found the old foosball table. Chandler must have spent hours piecing it back together. Save for a few cracks, it looked almost as good as new. He spun the guys around, remembering the many games that had been played between the two of them.
Joey found a spot in the middle of the empty living room. It reminded him of the time their apartment had been robbed and they were without furniture for weeks. Chandler was furious with him for good reason, but the first question out of his mouth had been 'are you okay.' So much of the past and present was tied to Chandler that he couldn't imagine what a Chandlerless future would be like. An overwhelming feeling of loneliness encompassed him.
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Ross peaked his head around the corner. "Hey, Mon. Chandler awake?"
"Yeah."
"How's he doing?"
Monica shuddered involuntarily. "Not so good." She drew Ross aside. "He's in agony. I don't think I can stand to watch him suffer like this."
Ross hugged his sister warmly. "Can I talk to him for a minute?"
"Of course."
Ross approached the bed. "Hey man."
Chandler raised his right hand off the bed slightly in greeting.
Ross did away with the pleasantries. Just looking at his oldest and dearest friend, he knew there was very little time left. He spoke around the lump in his throat. "I brought someone to see you. Now I know you're gonna be mad at me, but what's done is done." Chandler glared at him over the oxygen mask, comprehending instantly what Ross was alluding to. "He needed to know, but I am sorry I broke my promise to you."
Ross started to get up, but Chandler's hand closed around his wrist. "Ross, wait...don't get all high and mighty on me, but...you were right."
Relief washed over Ross. He was prepared for a confrontation. That was the last thing he had wanted at a moment like this, but he was willing to take the risk. "Should I go get him?"
"In a minute. I want a few minutes with Mon first."
"Okay, I'll get her on my way out."
Chandler still had a hold of Ross's wrist. "Thank you...for everything."
"Anytime, man."
Chandler slid his hand down into Ross's and gripped it. "You're a good friend. I love you, man."
Ross did something completely out of character for him - he wrapped his arms around Chandler and held on for dear life. "I love you too." He buried his head deep into Chandler's shoulder to hide the tears. He realized with a heavy heart what had just happened - his friend had just told him goodbye.
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Monica sat before him. He weakly stroked her hair, gazing into her eyes. "God, you're so beautiful. I love you so much. Please don't ever forget that."
She let the tears fall. He brushed them away with his thumb. "I won't," she promised him.
"If things were different -"
"They're not."
"Monica, let your husband have the last word for once." His words became softer as the air needed to produce the words was in short supply.
She laughed. Chandler removed the oxygen mask and brought her hand up to his mouth. Through the laughter came more tears as she felt his warm tender kiss on her hand. "Like I said when I proposed...you make me happier than I ever thought I could be."
Chandler attempted to pull the mask back up, but what little strength he had left was waning. Monica adjusted it for him. She sniffed. "Baby, you have made me so happy. Since the day I met you, you have given me laughter and friendship and most importantly, your heart. I couldn't have asked for any better."
"Thank you for not giving up on me, and for having the courage to love me despite all the odds."
Monica let out a cry. "And how I do love you. God, I love you so much it physically hurts me sometimes."
"I'm gonna miss you, babe."
"I'm gonna miss you so much." Monica was now openly sobbing.
"Please don't cut yourself off from everyone after I'm gone. There were so many happy times. Remember those and move past it. You have two of the best reasons in the world to get on with your life."
"I promise to try. But you will always be in my heart." She brought his hand up to her chest and laid it over her heartbeat. "And I will never stop loving you."
"I love you forever, Mon. Always have. Always will." The pain and sleepiness was creeping back in. Monica stayed with him until he drifted off. She went out to the living room and wept into the pillow.
Rachel and Phoebe, who had already gotten their goodbyes, quietly slipped out to give her privacy. They went across the hall, something that they hadn't done in a long time. It felt strange.
"Joey," Phoebe exclaimed.
"Hey Pheebs. Rach." He warmly embraced both girls.
"I'm so glad you're back," Rachel said into his ear.
"Me too. Hey listen, how is Mon doing," he asked concerned.
"About as well as can be expected." Rachel paused, unsure of how much to say. "I think Chandler just told her goodbye."
Joey's face instantly became more somber. "Can I go see him now?"
"Of course, sweetie. He just fell asleep a few minutes ago, but given the situation I don't think he would mind being woken up."
"Yeah. Okay." Joey moved slowly towards the door. He wanted, needed to do this, but it scared the hell out of him. He mustered all the strength he could to step out in the hallway. He came face to face with Monica.
"Oh my God, Joey! What are you doing here?" She hugged him fiercely, and Joey hugged her back.
"I came to see Chandler." He released her from the hug. "Oh Mon, I am so sorry this had to happen to you guys."
Monica could not formulate a response to that. Instead she said, "He is going to be so happy to see you."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
"Look, I know he's sleeping. But maybe I could just sit with him a while until he wakes up?"
"Certainly." Monica was surprised to see Joey here, but secretly delighted. She knew instantly it was Ross that had brought him here, and she was grateful. "Go ahead on in."
"Thanks." Joey was nervous and it showed. He slowly opened the door to the apartment and clicked it shut softly behind him. He took in the apartment. Not much had changed, except the empty silence of it.
Joey had never seen his friend so still. Even in his sleep he had constantly moved. Chandler was even thinner than after his chemo treatments. His bones jutted out unmercifully, stretching the pale skin so thin it created a skeletal appearance.
Lest he risk disturbing Chandler, Joey moved stealthily over to the window seat. He sat down and studied his friend's wan and drawn appearance. The past trials of the last couple years was written into every line of his face. The sleep did not seem peaceful at all.
Joey whimpered and cleared his throat. "Dude, I don't know if you can even hear me, but I gotta say it. I don't know why you thought you couldn't tell me what was going on. I wish you would've, but it doesn't matter anymore. Joey's here now, and I'm not leaving you."
He slid his hand carefully into Chandler's. "I could yell and scream at you, wish for the past few months back, but I'm not gonna do that. It wouldn't solve anything. God, Ross was right. You can be a stubborn jackass sometimes. Maybe that's what kept you going all this time. I don't know."
There was no one here to see his tears, but Joey hung his head down to hide them anyway. "Why, Chandler? Why? Why did this have to happen? Why are you being taken away from us? I just don't get it."
Joey dug an object out of his pocket. "Remember? I said I'd give you this back to you the next time I saw you." He clasped the bracelet around his friend's wrist. "Best buds forever, man."
Joey laid his head on Chandler's chest and felt, rather than heard the uneven breaths and the erratic heartbeat. It wasn't much, but it was something to hang onto. He was rewarded with a hand on the back of his head.
It took him a second to register the contact. He raised his head up and was greeted with his reflection in Chandler's bright blue eyes. The hand slid down to Joey's shoulder and gave it a light pat. "Chan, you're awake!"
"Couldn't sleep with all the talking," Chandler uttered wryly.
"Sorry, man."
"S'kay."
"Boy, it's so good to see you again." Joey picked at a loose thread on the blanket, suddenly at a loss for words.
Chandler grimaced and shifted. His jaw worked against the pain."I'm really sorry. I know I shut you out, but I am really glad you're here."
"It's ancient history. Forget about it."
"I need you here. I was...stupid. Selfish. Just didn't want you to see me like this." Chandler turned away, ashamed. He didn't know why it was different with Joey. Maybe he felt that Joey had this idealistic image of him that he didn't want to shatter. Maybe it was just...pride.
Joey gently guided his face back until it was even with his. "Hey, it's okay. You're human, Chandler. You cannot protect me from life. And this is one thing that even you can't fix. There's no shame in that."
Chandler hung desperately on his every word. He needed to believe him, but all the fight had gone out of him. "I'm so tired, Joe. So tired..." he admitted. Chandler's exhaustion was evident in every syllable. He inhaled deeply, his breath ragged with the effort.
Joey leaned over and softly caressed his best friend's pale, moist cheek. The words he intended to say died on his lips. How could he tell Chandler it was okay to go now? How could he tell him that everything would be okay - they would be okay - when he didn't believe it himself? All Joey could choke out was, "I know."
"I tried. I fought so hard, Joe." A tiny tear made a trail down past the oxygen mask. Joey struggled not to look away. As hard as Chandler's physical pain was to witness, the emotional pain was far worse. It broke his heart that Chandler thought this was somehow his fault - something he could control.
Again, the only solace he could offer, "I know, buddy." He grasped Chandler's cold, limp hand and squeezed for emphasis.
Chandler gazed out the window. The afternoon sun was so bright, too bright. His eyes grew far away as he tried to disassociate himself from the pain. But it was to no avail. His body stiffened and a cry escaped his lips as the pain engulfed him.
Joey willed his voice to steady. "Maybe, um...maybe it's time to sleep now." The duplicit meaning of Joey's words passed between them with unspoken understanding.
Chandler met Joey's eyes again. "The twins? Monica?" He licked dry lips.
There was no need for elaboration. The friends's bond was so strong that words were more often habitual, than necessary. "Chandler," Joey's lips trembled. "They will be taken care of. Okay? They will never want for anything." Except you. "We will see to it that they're okay."
He knew his words only brought small comfort to a father that wanted more than anything to see his children grow up, and wanted more than anything to grow old with the love of his life.
Chandler sighed. It wasn't a sigh of relief, but one of resignation. This was now a fight he could not win. His eyes were growing heavy. The need for sleep was becoming overwhelming.
As if Joey were hearing his most private thoughts, "You fought the good fight." He swallowed hard. "You can rest now, Chandler. No regrets."
"No regrets," Chandler repeated softly.
"None," Joey said almost too sharply. "You were the best thing that ever happened to me - to all of us. I am so thankful for all the times we had together." I want more time with him, Joey shouted internally.
"I wish..." Chandler struggled for each laborious breath. The fog on the oxygen mask was becoming less and less dense. He shook his head slowly, unable to complete his thought. "Thank you."
Orange stripes of sunlight landed at Joey's feet. Thank me? For what? No, Chandler. Thank you! Chandler's eyes searched Joey's, relaying one last unspoken message. Joey rose from his seat and leaned over and kissed Chandler's cheek chastely. "For everything."
For the briefest of seconds, Chandler's eyes sparkled and then drew to a close. His breathing evened out somewhat, although still shallow and quick.
Joey walked slowly and silently to the door. He took a deep breath before going across the hall to face the others. Only Ross looked up as he came through the door. He nudged the others half-heartedly.
Joey could only stare blankly back at them. The preceding conversation and what was about to transpire too much to bear. He motioned them with his head, and turned back without waiting for acknowledgment.
One by one the group filed into the apartment. The setting sun was casting an amber glow onto the walls. No one seemed to notice. All eyes were on Chandler.
Monica sat down on the side of the bed and clasped Chandler's hand. His mouth turned up a little, but his eyes did not open. "Oh, honey..." her tears cut off all other words. They had said everything that needed to be said.
Ross approached the bed and laid a supportive hand on Monica's shoulder. Rachel stood back behind Joey, frozen with grief. Phoebe took it upon herself to light candles and incense. Her ritual brought her some comfort, and she hoped it would do the same for her departing friend.
The others did not ridicule her for once. They were all individually paralyzed by their own emotions - guilt, anger, fear, grief - it was all one.
Rachel grabbed Joey's hand and gave it a supportive squeeze, the only indication that this was really happening and not some horrible figment of her imagination. Joey let his other hand drift over to Phoebe's who in turn placed her other hand in Ross's. Ross's hand found it's way into Monica's, her other hand still holding Chandler's.
The group held onto each other in a desperate attempt to hold on to what remained. The sun dipped slowly behind the horizon as five sets of eyes watched Chandler fight for each precious breath.
The amber glow migrated from the wall onto their friend's face as it slipped lower and lower behind a cloud. The waning light gave him a facade of health. They collectively gasped as the mirage caused them to glimpse Chandler as he had once been.
The mask of pain left his face with the sun's light. There was an odd peace in the room - and silence. The silence was broken by Monica's sobs. Rachel soon followed, dissolving into tears of her own. Phoebe hugged herself, chewing on her lip to suppress her cries. Ross looked around at each of his friends and his sister, and then his eyes fell on Chandler's still form. He blinked back the tears in disbelief as he met Joey's eyes. Joey silently pleaded with him that it wasn't true.
Ross nodded imperceptibly. "He waited for you, Joe. He wanted us all to be together - one last time," he whispered reverently.
Ross's words were a catalyst. Joey collapsed onto Chandler and pulled his still, lifeless form in for one last hug. "Oh, God...Chandler." His shoulders continued to shake with the tears he shed as Monica's arms enveloped them both and wept along with him. Somehow the five of them wound up in a group hug. The grief was too much to bear alone.
"I think -" Phoebe spoke softly. "I think he's finally at peace now."
TBC
I know, I know...I can't believe I killed him off. My heart is breaking too. Please don't hurt me :) This was such an emotionally draining chapter to write. There is one more coming. Thanks for all the reviews and hanging in so long with me and this story. Almost there now... :D
