The Plagues of Egypt: Reloaded!

Chapter Two

Well, no-one seems to have been offended just yet and that's a really good thing. I'll continue as long as no-one's upset with me. I seem to be writing stuff that might be offensive to certain ethnic groups a lot lately, but I have no idea why.

And just a note, I know his name is Moses. The moniker of Moe is intentional.

…..

Plague no. 7: The famine

"Couldn't we have some more food, sir?"

Katar roared suddenly and hurled his hammer at the Canaanites, who fled as fast as their skinny legs would carry them. The hammer hit the statue of Horus in the doorway, making the eagle-headed god look like a pissed-off ant. The whole city was starving and those desert-dwelling bastards had the audacity to ask for charity?

"Finally," Chayera said. "You should have done that the first time they arrived."

Katar glared at his wife out of the corner of his eye. She was sitting sideways on the throne, with a platypus sleeping on her lap, looking relaxed and beautiful and infuriatingly pleased during a time of national crisis.

"Can't you get rid of that bloody thing?" he snarled at her, gesturing at the platypus.

"No. I like having them around. Maybe if I had a baby to look after…"

"Go to your room!"

She marched off without a word, the rudely awakened platypus trotting after her, bleating plaintively. Katar frowned. Usually she argued a bit before he dragged her kicking and screaming to her room. Why wasn't she objecting like she usually did?

Oh well, he mused. No time to worry about that. He went to the store room to see how much ration food they had left. The wheat and all the livestock dying was a bit of a bum steer by Moe, since Katar was naturally frugal and had prepared for such a thing happening naturally.

Upon entering the store room, he found several of Chayera's platypi, munching away on the stored wheat. Instead of being angry, his eyes lit up. His subjects had been missing their meat…

…..

Plague no. 8: The gnats

Here a gnat, there a gnat, everywhere a gnat gnat. There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth when the Egyptians opened their curtains to find the whole country covered with the tiny maddening insects. They were even worse than the flies from a few weeks before. The only ones who were having a good time were Chayera's platypuses, who found the gnats rather tasty, and Chayera herself made sure she had several of her pets around all the time.

In an act of goodwill, Chayera was found picking the tiny critters off of her husband and feeding them to her pets. This was astonishingly generous of her, especially since she'd found out where her husband got the 'roast guinea fowl' they'd eaten during the last plague.

She had retaliated by breaking his favourite statue, the bare-breasted Nephytes. Into smithereens.

"Where's General Bashari when I need him?" Katar muttered.

"He's out in Goshen on a hunting trip. It's his day off," she replied casually.

"How do you know that?"

"Um, he told me. Just before he left. He couldn't find you to tell you himself."

"You two have been getting along really well lately. That's fantastic. Shows we can connect with the natives."

"…"

…..

Plague no. 9: The hail and lightning

A jagged strip of silver flashed across the sky, and Chayera was slightly impressed. She was watching the monsoon from the temple of Reshkul. The hail pelted the marble roof and tore holes in the townspeople's houses, while the lightning was frying the ground.

Still, it was better weather than you'd find on Thanagar.

For once, she wasn't surrounded by platypussies. They were hiding from the storm in Bashari's quarters. They'd taken a liking to him given the amount of time he spent around the queen…ahem. They'd learned to avoid Katar, since his new way of relieving frustration was to kick them around like footballs.

Katar entered the temple, covered in little scratches from where he'd been hit by the hail. He was smiling.

"Lovely weather, eh?" he said, laughing. "Reminds me of summer back home."

"I don't think the townspeople are too happy about it though. Maybe you should just let the Israelites go."

"He's weakening, Chayera, I know it!"

She sighed and massaged her temples under her mask. Silently she wondered if Bashari was doing anything at that moment, and excused herself.

Moments later, a bolt of lightning struck the giant statue of Reshkul that Katar was standing next to.

…..

Plague no. 10: The taking of the first born

The wild man opened his mouth and bellowed,

"PHAROAH! LET MY…."

"He's not here."

And indeed he wasn't. In fact, Moe was the only person in the room, besides the queen. Said queen did not look happy.

"My husband is well on his way to having a nervous breakdown, the townspeople have lost most of their children, the city is in ruins and we have barely any food left! But you know what the worst part is?"

Moe gulped. "N-no…"

"You've made me very angry. I hate being angry. I should just kill you right now."

The wild man went white and considered falling to his knees and begging the bird-woman's forgiveness, but as it turns out he didn't have to.

"But I don't fancy the idea of having to stare at your mangled corpse being picked at by vultures, so I'll make you a deal," she sighed.

Moe nearly did fall on his knees then. He opened his mouth to thank her for her generosity, but she held up her hand to silence him.

"Go to the slave quarters and take anyone that wants to go with you, then get out of the city before nightfall. And if I ever catch you in Egypt again, I'll beat you to a pulp with my own two hands. Are we clear?"

She was fondling the large blunt weapon she usually had with her the way a woman might pet a cat. Moe swallowed hard and nodded.

"Good. Now get the hell out of here before I change my mind!"

Moe scarpered off.

…..

Three hours later, Katar arrived back from his brief break in Thebes. He had fully expected to see Moe there, and was rather pleased when the wild man didn't show. Then he called for some wine to celebrate, but no slave came running with it. He was perplexed.

He looked everywhere for the slaves. Normally there would be thousands of them, but there wasn't. The palace was practically empty. Fearing the worst, he stormed into the throne room. Chayera was sitting there, sipping wine and nicely tipsy. The straps of her gown were slipping off of her shoulders in a way that just managed to be dignified.

"Helloo, dearie! How was your…"

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I got rid of Mo-oe!" she giggled in a sing-song way. He sighed. She was insufferable when she got like this.

"Did you send away the slaves too?"

"Yep. Problem solved!"

Katar stormed out, and she could here him barking orders at his army. The sound of a battalion of horses and chariots leaving the city could be heard echoing through the palace.

She poured more wine.

Katar arrived back at the palace an hour later, soaking wet. There were clumps of seaweed hanging out of his tunic and an octopus clinging to his mask. She grinned at him.

"So, did you get them back?"