DISCLAIMER: HG Characters do not belong to me.
A/N: For those who wanted to see Katniss's perspective—it was coming! Remember I still have a lot more story to tell.
Chapter 45-Jealousy II
Katniss thought she had done a pretty good job of keeping her composure during the past week she had been staying with Gale and Dez, but what she heard this morning pushed her to the limits of her patience. She endured watching Dez kiss Gale in front of her every chance she got, she endured coming home and seeing the two of them getting cozy on the couch watching TV, and she endured conversation with Dez the few times the three of them ate dinner together. But hearing them having sex this morning was more than Katniss could take. She just didn't see what Gale saw in Dez. She made the town girls of District 12 look next to nothing. She dressed in nice clothes, she wore a lot of makeup, and she dyed her hair that ridiculous shade of blonde. She lived a nice, cozy, carefree life-never knowing a moment of hardship. She was the walking definition of why District 2 never wanted to rebel against the Capitol. 'And to think her parents originally wanted her to volunteer as a tribute!' Katniss thought to herself.
She couldn't help but wonder if Gale purposefully is attracted to Dez because she is the complete opposite of herself. Surely there are women in District 2 more similar to the women of District 12. But then she thought about how Gale left District 12 and wondered if again, this was what he wanted-part of his effort to shed his past.
She can't ever see him wanting to return to District 12 now. His former friend Thom told her he often wondered if Gale would ever return. Seeing him in District 2 though, she had her answer. It appeared from conversation he really liked his job as a government official. She was happy for him, but also still resented him. Resented the fact that he turned his back on District 12.
She closed her notebook. She couldn't concentrate and truth be told, she was tired of studying. It was pretty much all she did all day. She was glad today was Friday and would have the next two days off from class. The class was intense, a lot of material to cover in a short period of time. Each night she was required to read three chapters of materials for the next day. Over the weekend, she will need to finish 5 chapters by Monday. If Gale and Dez keep up their bedroom activities over the weekend, she figured she may to go to District 2's local library in order to get any studying done.
She wished District 12 could have a local library, the district being too poor in the past to have one. She thinks there is hope for the District to get a library in the future, especially if the education system there improves. She hasn't decided if she ends up getting accepted into the teaching certificate program if she would want to be a teacher in 12. A part of her feels she owes it to the District, but another part of her wants to stay as far away as possible. Her feelings of hopelessness and depression have all but gone away since leaving, she doesn't want any resurgence of it.
Her thoughts return to Gale-hearing him and Dez during that private moment made her realize what she is missing from her relationship with Peeta-passion. She doesn't know if the lack of passion was due to her depression, or if she and Peeta were just never wired that way as a couple. Peeta was a gentle lover, always patient and tender, but at times Katniss wished he could be different. More forceful, more passionate. But she knew it wasn't in his nature to be something he wasn't. She knew most women would prefer someone as gentle as him to lose their virginity to. She wished she could be satisfied with what she has, but she can't. She wants more. She wants Gale. But having Gale is no longer attainable. She knows that now. Hearing him make love to another woman practically in her face proved that. He was no longer hers.
The realization she lost his love is one of the many reasons why she continues to hate herself. Her feelings of depression may have subsided, but her feelings of regret have not. Regret was easier to deal with though than the feeling that your life is not worth living.
Somehow, she is able to concentrate in class-sitting near the front carefully taking notes. There are 23 of them in the class-including her. Most from the poorer districts of Panem. Quite of few of her classmates were from District 11, District 10, and District 9. There were some classmates from District 5, District 6, District 7 and District 8. No one in her class is from the Capitol or District 1 and District 2. And no one from District 12-only her.
They get an hour for lunch at noon. Katniss usually packed her lunch but forgot to grab it this morning due to wanting to get out of the apartment as quickly as possible. She figures she would have to grab something either in the small café in the building or at a local restaurant. When she walks to the front entrance of PES's building, she sees Gale standing there-surprised to see him.
"Gale" she says approaching him. "What are you doing here?"
He shrugs and says, "The first Friday of the month I have a meeting with all of the government officials. We meet here in the Capitol. When I looked in the refrigerator this morning I saw that you left your lunch. I figured I'd take you to lunch if you are free."
"You are not going to have lunch with the other government officials?"
"No-they asked and I usually go with them, but today I told them an old friend was in town and I had other plans."
"I have to be back at 1, I can't be late" Katniss says sharply.
"Well let's go then" Gale says and lets Katniss lead the way out of the building.
They end up at a small café around the corner, getting a two person table in the back. Gale does most of the talking, Katniss silently listening. Out of nowhere he suddenly asks her, "Why teaching?"
"Huh" she asks surprised by the question.
"How did you decide on trying to become a teacher? You and a classroom full of kids would be a sight to see."
She gives him a friendly glare and says, "Very funny Gale. I don't think I do all that bad around kids."
"You don't. You do very well with them. It was one of the reasons I think the citizens of Panem took to you the way they did. You have a caring nature Katniss, even if you don't let people see it."
"Morning Sun actually gave me the idea."
"She did?" Gale asked surprised by the answer.
"Yes. She said I was a natural when she saw me teaching some of the children in the village how to use a bow and arrow. She said teaching was a skill I had that I needed to start using."
Gale smiled at her. Katniss was good with children, he always thought she'd make an excellent mother after seeing the way she cared for Prim. He never dared to tell her that though.
"Well, I think Morning Sun is right" he says in a matter of fact tone.
Katniss snickers and says, "Well, this class is no joke, you won't see much of me this weekend."
"Well, I was hoping you would have some time on Sunday to come with me to see my Mom, Vick and Posy."
Hearing that Gale wanted her to see his family again made her slightly nervous. She has not spoken with Hazelle in almost 8 years and she doubts Posy would even remember her.
"I think I could manage that" she responds.
"Great. I will have to let my Mom know she will need to cook a large dinner for all of us."
Hearing Gale say 'all of us' made her realize that included Dez. She couldn't help but say, "Dez is coming I take it?"
"Of course."
Katniss gives Gale a look. She knows she shouldn't but she can't help herself.
"What?" Gale says not pleased with the look Katniss has given him.
"Nothing" she quickly responds.
"Quit lying Katniss-I saw that look."
Katniss sighs, figuring she might as well get it off her chest. "Fine-I was hoping she wouldn't be there."
"Why?"
Katniss gives Gale another look, this time showing her surprise at his question. "Come on Gale, you know she doesn't like me."
"She never said that."
"She doesn't have to! I see it in her actions. Constantly flirting with you in front of me. Constantly kissing you. Making her snide remarks at how great her life is."
Gale resisted the urge to tell Katniss Dez's life is not as perfect as it may seem. Instead he says, "She is the woman I'm marrying Katniss, we are going to be affectionate. It's what couples do."
Katniss glares at Gale for that condescending comment. "And have wild sex with me in the next room?"
She can't believe those words just came out of her mouth.
His look shows he is not surprised by what she said. He figured Katniss probably heard them this morning.
He shrugs and says, "What do you want me to say?"
"An apology would be good."
"Apologize? Why should I apologize? It's my apartment! What I do with my girlfriend in our room is not your business."
"Oh come on Gale. She was putting on a show. She wanted me to hear the two of you."
Gale would not admit to Katniss he wondered the same thing this morning. While Dez was never one to be quiet in the bedroom, she wasn't usually that loud, if she was, it would only be when she orgasmed. This morning however was different. He wanted to think the pleasure he gave her was real, he had gone down on her first which usually drives her wild and then she got on her hands and knees while he entered her. He wanted to believe that it was due to the position and him thrusting hard and deep that she was being pushed over the edge in pleasure. But what if she wasn't? He didn't want to confront her on it.
"She was not putting on a show" he said with confidence in his voice, not allowing Katniss to sense is doubts.
"I guess all that time in the slag heap made you an expert at giving it to her hard and rough."
Gale looks at Katniss in disbelief. He couldn't believe how rude she as being. "Well, you wouldn't know would you?"
Katniss's look hardens. "You never asked!" she hisses.
"Like you would have gone. I am done talking about this with you." He wanted to have a nice lunch with her, not get into a heated argument about his sex life.
"This is hard for me Gale" she says looking down at her plate.
"What's hard?"
"Seeing you with her."
He wants to feel sorry for her, but he can't, not after her insensitive comments. She was making judgments about a relationship she knew nothing about.
"Well, now you know how I felt. Seeing you with Peeta."
She looks at him sadly, the impact of his words kicking in. "Yes" is all she manages to say.
"Look, let's try to finish our lunch okay?"
She quickly changes the subject, telling him how math is her hardest subject in class.
"On Sunday I will have Vick talk to you. He's pretty good at math, maybe he can help."
Katniss tries to imagine Vick helping her, it seemed like yesterday he was 10. She needs to remind herself he is 18 now and graduated high school. "That sounds good, thanks."
He walks her back to the PES building. Before she heads in he says to her, "Dez and I will probably be going out tonight, just letting you know."
She nods and says, "Okay. Is it okay if I take Harper out for a walk?"
"Yes, just don't go far okay. Be mindful of your surroundings."
"I will, I'll see you later."
"If you want to go anywhere on Saturday, just let me know. I'll be at the apartment."
"Okay-thanks."
Class in the afternoon dragged on and on for Katniss. While she tried to pay attention, all she could think about was Gale's words to her, 'now you know how I felt, seeing you with Peeta.'
The tribe had often told Katniss not to dwell on things from the past, she tried not obsess about turning back time and saving Prim the day she died, or saving Cinna or Finnick or her father even. But she couldn't help but wish she could turn back the clock the day Gale told her he loved her. Instead of saying 'I know' she should have told him how she really felt.
It was a moment she would regret for the rest of her life.
