To live without her...

Disclaimer: Unless there is a time machine in which I can go back in time and make BSSM before Naoko-San, or a machine that turns anime characters into real people, I do not own BSSM or Haruka. 'Sniff ' I need a tissue...

Well, long time no write chickadees! Gomen, I have been so swamped with work and enrolling in school, that I haven't had the time to write. I am finally going to start school in the fall. Criminal Justice, working my way to forensic psychology. Heehee serial killers LOOK OUT! Mesa-chan is coming to kick your sick asses! Alrighty! Well, this chapter is going to be dedicated to a reader who told me to get off my dead ass and write the next chapter. Ok, she only asked if I was continuing the story or not but the thought someone taking the time to write me, I think I'm gonna need another tissue. Anywho, it made me feel happy, it's hard remembering that people read the story when I don't get reviews. So, Arisela, this ones for you! And for a limited time, you to can have a chapter dedicated to you for the very low price of just 230 yen. Or one review. I'm not picky. Ok, enough chitchat, lets get on with the story!

Chapter 4

Loving her...

"Ok, which one. This one is called sad violet, and the other is called starlight violet." The blonde looked up from her magazine, looked at the color cards and tried to refrain from laughing. The pig tailed girl was holding up two colored cards, her facial expression asking for the others honest opinion.

"Mesa, they're the same." She gave Haruka a 'you must be kidding' look and gave the cards a second look. Haruka watched as she saw the other girl looking for the similarity.

"No, they're not! This one is just a hue darker then this one. Sheesh Ruka, it's so obvious." Haruka gave her a small smirk.

"What do you want me to say? Besides, it seems that you are dead set on having a Barney wedding." She eyed the other girl, waiting... 3...2...1...

"I AM NOT HAVING A BARNEY WEDDING! HOW DARE YOU EVEN MENTION THAT DAMN EVIL DINOSAUR! WHY IF I EVER SAW HIM ON THE STREETS!" Haruka quickly placed her arms around the girl, hoping that would get her out of her murderous rampage. She really hated that dinosaur... She picked up two color cards and held then in front of the other.

"Here, how about these." Mesa took them from Haruka, "Let me look at em." Haruka watched as the other looked the cards over. Mesa looked at Haruka, then back to the cards. Then to Haruka again. AND then back to the cards and finally smiled. She gave a loud shriek and threw her arms around the other.

"These are Perrfect! Ivory and a deep purple. Elegant and simple! You are soooo good at this." She gave Haruka a sly look and smiled.

"Are you sure that you don't want to help me plan?" Haruka shook her head and laughed. She was definitely staying out of this. There was only room for one bridezilla, and Mesa was gonna be the biggest one yet. As far as she was concerned, they could say 'I do' in front of a pizzeria.

"Nah, you're doing good so far. Besides, the only thing I need is for you to come walking down that isle." Mesa blushed and gave Haruka a soft lingering kiss.

"You don't have to ask me twice. I'd return from the grave to marry you."

"Mesa! Don't say such ominous things! We japanese are very superstitious, you know." Kimiko gave her a smile and quick wink while Hauka rolled her eyes.

"Mama-Kimiko, trust me. Nothing bad can ever happen to me." Both Haruka and Kimiko looked at her as if she had grown a second head.

"Oh, why not?" They asked. Mesa though for a moment. "I don't know why! I just do!" Haruka about tripped over and Kimiko covered her mouth, trying to stifle a giggle.

"Your right, sweetie. However, don't talk that way." She pinched the shorter girls cheeks and walked to the stove. She removed the kettle from the stove and walked to the sink, filling it with water. She walked back to the stove, turned the eye on and slowly sat down at the table next to her daughter. A wave of dizziness sweeping through her. Ignoring it, she stared adoringly at her daughter.

"I never thought this day would come. My baby's getting married!" She placed her hand gently on top of her daughters head and brushed away the hair in front of her eyes.

"Oh come on mom. Stop. Besides, your embarrassing Mesa." She looked up and stuck her tongue out at her lover. The kettle started to whistle and Kimiko got up from the table and walked to the cupboard.

"Mama-Kimiko, you know that Haruka can always get up and make you and Ms. Yelan's tea." A small weary smile played on Kimiko's face.

"When you two marry, let her cook for you and you will see why I make the tea." She let out a light giggle as she reached for the saucer. A sudden pain ran down her arm, causing the tray of cups to crash to the floor. Haruka rushed to the floor, where her mother was. Not moving.

"Mom, MOM! Mesa, call an ambulance." The other girl was frozen, "NOW MESA!" As if snapping out of a trance, she reached for the phone.

"Hello, yes we need an ambulance! Yes, please hurry!." She didn't even bother hanging up the phone. She dropped to the floor. Haruka held her mothers head in her lap. Pleading for the woman to open her eyes. She didn't need a doctor to tell her what she felt in her heart. Tears ran down her face uncontrollably as she rocked her dead mother in her arms.

One after another, people walked over to the dark suited blonde. Some expressing their remorse. Some just trying to give simple comfort. She just stood, looking upon the flower covered coffin. It seemed so surreal, one minute she was smiling, so full of life. The next she was gone. She felt a hand slip around her waist and looked up slightly giving Mesa a forced smile. She took the girls hand in hers and gave it a light kiss.

"Are you ok?" A tear ran slowly down the womans cheek. She took in a deep breath, slowly letting it out sounding forced and ragged. She simply nodded her head. Feeling her legs grow weak, she fell to the ground. Mesa wrapped her arms around Haruka. Safe in her lovers arms, she let her guard down. She began sobbing loud and uncontrollably. Mesa caressed and kissed the top of her loves head Fighting back her own tears. She had to be strong for Haruka. She needed her to be strong.

"I'm all alone." Mesa struggled to hear her, she was talking so low...

"Haruka?..." The blonde looked into Mesa's eyes, she couldn't help but gasp at the evident pain that shone through them.

"I'm all alone, Mesa. My father, now my mother...everyone is leaving me. I'm all alone." Silent tears went down the other girls face. Anger and pain formed in her heart. How could she possibly think that? She placed both hands on the blondes face.

"Haruka, Haruka look at me." She forced her gently to look at her.

"You listen to me mister. You are not alone. You never were. Not now, not then. You wanna know why?" She waited for the blondes reply, " Because..." Haruka closed her eyes and opened them. She stared endlessly into the others eyes. Feeling that numbness fade slowly...

"Because why?" she whispered. Mesa smiled. "That's it. Just because." Haruka let out a small laugh, tears still falling from her teal eyes. "That's it? Just because?" Mesa nodded her head.

"Yep. That's right. Just because. Because you are here. Because she was here, and your father was here. And," she snaked her arms around the blondes neck and nestled her head into her shoulder. "And because, I am here. Not just here... but here." She placed Harukas hand over her heart.

"And I will eternally be."

She felt the sun warm on her cheeks, the air was stale and she found that she was sweating. She pulled the covers off of her revealing the dark suit she had wore just two days earlier at her mother's funeral. She yawned and ran her hair through her messy hair and looked at the clock. It was 3:00. She looked around barely recognizing her surroundings. She turned her attention to the door, which was slowly opening.

"So, you finally have woken up. You know, I was getting really worried about you." Mesa brought the tray of food and placed it beside Haruka on the night stand. She put her hand to her head again which was throbbing in pain. Mesa handed her a couple of aspirin and a glass of water. She placed them in her mouth and took a sip of the cooling liquid, feeling it moisten her dry throat. She gulped it down and handed the empty glass over to the other.

"I figured that you'd be hungry. I didn't know what you'd want, so I just made whatever." Haruka slowly stood from the bed and stretched. Looking over the food, she decided on the toast. She took a small bite. Feeling a wave of nausea, she placed it back on the plate and laid back down. The room felt as if it were spinning.

"How long have I been out?"

"Three days." She placed a hand on Haruka's leg, running her fingers a little up and down..

"Your aunt has been calling. She kept wondering why you didn't go home. I told her that I would have you call her when you woke up." Haruka stared at the purple ceiling. She felt the others hand leave her. Mesa looked down at her hands, trying to find an easier way to break the news she just received. She knew it wasn't going to be easy. But she needed to know.

"Your aunt has your ticket ready. She wants to leave tomorrow... to Japan. To bury your mother in..."

"She is where she belongs. There is no reason to take her there." Mesa kept her eyes down on the floor. She was afraid to continue.

"Ruka, your aunt says that it's in her will. She wants you to go with her." The blonde got up from the bed and angrily faced her.

"I'm not going because she is NOT being buried in Japan. Aunt Yelan is just going to have to deal with it."

"And what about your mother Ruka? She wanted to be buried with your father. It was her last wish." Haruka was getting angry. The other just didn't seem to understand. She needed her mother to be buried here. She couldn't bare the thought of her being thousands of miles away. Heaven seemed closer then Japan at the moment.

"I can't Mesa. I just can't do this now." Mesa took a deep breath.

"She says that she is also planning on staying for a couple of months. She says that you two will stay with your cousin somewhere in Kyoto. They are also going to have another funeral once she gets there." Haruka paced angrily around the room, cursing under her breath. She didn't want to upset the other, but this was a tricky situation. One she knew nothing about. Her aunt was a big believer in the old ways. Her entire family buried together. It would also be where Haruka would be buried. She as well when that time came. Haruka sat back down on the bed and placed her face in her hands. A soft sob escaped her. Mesa quickly walked over to where her lover was a wrapped her arms around her. She tried her best to comfort her. It was killing her seeing her Ruka broken like this, and not knowing how to fix her.

"I just can't have her so far away." Mesa caressed her blonde locks and bent down to her ear.

"She is always with you, Ruka. It will just be her body far away. Besides, look at it this way. Your mother is with your father. And she's happy. And one day, you will all see each other again." Haruka sobbed.

"I still can't do it. We'll kill each other." She accidently let out a giggle and began laughing hysterically.

"I'm serious, Mesa. There will literally be two funerals." Haruka began slowly laughing herself. She looked over, finding Mesa rolling on the floor beside her, still laughing. Haruka grew serious and she reached for Mesa pulling her up close. She gazed into those beautiful hazel orbs and felt a smile form in the corners of her mouth. Only she could do this. Turn a serious and emotional situation and turn it into something else. If it were anyone else, she knew she would have gone insane with grief. She would never have seen the one thing that really mattered. She had to fulfil her mother's wish. She remembered how broken and fragile her mother was when her father died. She went weeks without eating, crying on and off. The only thing really saving her was Haruka. Knowing that she had to care for the child. The one piece of her darling husband she had left. She left Japan to make it easier, to make her stronger. And now Haruka must accept her mothers decision. No matter how much it hurt her.

She placed her hand on Mesa's right cheek. Tracing her cheekbone with her finger. She closed her eyes and sighed, ready to admit defeat.

"Ok. I want my mother to be with my father again. But, I'm not going to Japan. Aunt Yelan can go alone."

"But Ruka,..." She silenced her with a soft kiss.

"I don't want to be away from you that long. Besides, we have a wedding to plan." She gave her partner a worried look.

"Are you sure? We can postpone the wedding. I can wait."

"But I can't. I want to marry you. When we planned. My aunt will just have to understand." Mesa gave a small smile. She wouldn't argue. It was enough right now that she accepted her mother's wishes.

"Besides,.." She placed a strand of her Mesa's hair behind her ear. "I already said my good byes. I don't want to have to do that again.

Months passed since the funeral. Unable to stay in her aunts house without her mother, Haruka rented a small apartment a few blocks over. Her aunt insisted that she stay, but the two knew there was no point. They were just to different. It was easier this way. Although Mesa still lived at home, she found herself 'visiting' often. As Mesa was grabbing the last bowl in the cabinet, she felt Harukas arms wrap seductively around her waist. She began slowly kissing up her neck and nibbled on the girls earlobe earning a giggle.

"You know, I'd prefer you doing that wearing a little less." Her lovers husky voice sent shivers down her spine. Haruka knew the effect this had on her lover, and enjoyed using it often. Ignoring her sudden arousal, she continued chopping the vegetables for the stew. She found it hard to concentrate as she felt Harukas hands running up and down her waist.

"Haruka Tennou, If you don't stop I'm going to end up cutting my finger off and you will still eat the stew!" Haruka answered by kissing her neck again. Making her way to her ear she whispered,

"Why don't you move in with me? You practically live her anyway. Why not make it official." She scraped the chopped veggies into the boiling pot.She turned around placing her hands around her partners neck.

"Because, if I move in there will be to much temptation. Like now. And then I wont be able to wear that gorgeous white gown I paid so much money for." Haruka was reaching her peak. She knew that if she went on feeling her lovers body like this any longer, she would have to be restrained with a cold shower. It was very important to Mesa that she remain a virgin until her wedding night. The notion always made her want her lover more. Knowing that they would forever share the special gift that is each others bodies. She gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and shrugged.

"Oh well, thought I'd try. I gonna, um go take a quick shower." Mesa smiled.

"Want me to join you?" Haruka froze and gave a hopeful look as her lover giggled. She falls for it every time...

"OHHHHHH! I'm so nervous! What if I trip? What if I fall flat on my face? What if..." A hand covered the brides mouth.

"Will you stop! Your giving me hives for crying out loud." Her maid of honor, Mollie popped another aspirin and downed a glass of wine. The girl was driving her insane. She couldn't wait for the wedding to start so that she could throw her to Haruka. She stared at her best friend as she watched her play with her dress in the mirror. She looked breathtaking in her wedding dress. She had gone with a long sleeve gown, the sleeves made of sheer material. The bodice hugged her tiny curves as the skirt flowed out slightly. The skirt was just full enough for the tiny girl. Any fluffier and she would have looked like a cupcake. It had a removable train which connected to the back of the dress and a custom made tiara which symbolized the waxing and waning of the moon. Her hair was half up half down and her loose hair was tightly curled. Her veil fell adoringly over her face as she gave herself one last look. Mollie had known her for as long as time if not longer, they were more then friends. More like sisters and shared a bond that was stronger. In her eyes, it had taken the them far to long to get to this point. If it were possible, the two of them should of been married when they met. Mollie was the first to know about Mesa's feelings for Haruka. They were nine years old when Mesa told her that she had met her life mate. Mollie thought that she was joking. But every year, she would hear the same thing. 'I'm going to marry Haruka someday' It was just recently that she met the infamous person, never expecting 'Haruka' to be a she. After hours of brutal interrogation, she saw how much the other loved her friend. Leaving no room for complaints, she gave them her blessing. She fluffed out her skirt one last time.

Mesa, still staring at herself in the mirror a smile as bright as the sun on her face, spoke.

"Well, it's almost time. How do I look?" She turned to her maid of honor who wiped a tear from her eye.

"OHHHH! Mollie, don't cry your going to make me cry!" She reached for the girl who embraced her in a tight hug.

"You look beautiful. My Mesa's getting married!" Mesa smiled and shouted,

"I"M GETTING MARRIED!" The two girls laughed in each others arms until the knock on the door separated them. It was time. Mesa walked out of the brightly colored room and down the stairs. Her maid of honor holding the train up behind her. She walked outside into the sunset. Her father took hold of her arm as he led her to the carpeted ground which would be her isle. In just a couple of minutes, she would be Melissa Ann Tennoh.

"You nervous?" She turned and looked at Ben who looked rather snazzy in the white tux, which matched her own. He had his hair neatly up in a ponytail and his goatee trimmed. That was one of Harukas stipulations. She didn't mind the piercings, but his face needed to be neat. She couldn't believe how much he had changed in the years that she's known him. He was there whenever she needed him. Whenever she and Mesa fought, he was there. When she needed advice on how to tell Mesa she loved her, he was there. He even helped Haruka pick Mesa's engagement ring out. If anyone deserved to be her best man, it was Ben.

"No, I've been waiting for this day for as long as I can remember. Hey, can you help me with this?" She turned and pointed her bowtie.

"After all the years of dressing male, you still don't know how to tie a bowtie." Ignoring his smart ass remark, she took a deep breath. This was it. Just a couple more minutes and Mesa would be her wife.

"Hey Haruka. I have to tell ya something, man." Haruka gave herself one last look and turned to her friend.

"What is it. Make it quick. And if it's advice on how to make love to her forget it, I already have a mapped out plan."

"I don't know how to tell you this. But I,"

"I know." Ben stared at his friend in shock.

"But how did you, you know?"

"What, know that you were in love with Mesa?" He just nodded his head, to dumbfounded to answer.

"That day you threatened to kick that one punks ass. Other then your sister, you've never been protective of any other girl. Not even Amy, and you were with here for almost two years. Plus, the way you always looked at her makes me want to kick your ass." He let out a sigh of relief. Happy that his tux would continue to be white and not covered in red spots.

"So, your not mad?" Haruka shook her head no.

"How could you not?" He looked into his friends eyes, just the mention of this girl brought a life to her very being that Ben couldn't describe. He loved the girl, But he could tell that his love would never compare to Harukas love for her.

"Mesa is a very lucky woman." She mouthed a quick thank you and gave her friend a hug.He patted her on the back and shook her shoulders. His true confession would just have to wait.

"Alright, it's time Ready to become a kept woman?" Haruka laughed as they walked down a flight of stairs and out into her aunts backyard where the candle lit gazebo awaited them. The sun was slowly departing from the sky and the wind blew gently, allowing the fragrance of the flowers around them to heighten. Haruka looked up to the darkening sky and found the first visible star. As she brought her head back down, she beheld a sight that put those very stars which were trying their hardest to shine to shame. Haruka and Mesa's eyes met, and it was as if everything around them melted away. As Mesa approached the steps, her father gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and gave her hand to the priestess presiding over them.

The priestess took Haruka's hand and joined it with Mesa. After they spoke their vows, they lit a pure white candle, which symbolized purity and the flame of their everlasting love. They exchanged rings and kissed as the priestess presented them as life partners.

After the reception ended, Mollie and Ben gave them their wedding present. The limo led them to a quaint little bed and breakfast. In which the two had taken the liberty to turn it into the ultimate honeymoon suite. Haruka carried her into the lobby and up the stairs. The last thing people saw just as the door closed, was two lovers ready to become one.

Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I think that this is the longest chapter I have written by far from all of my stories! But, I felt you readers deserved it after the long wait. I hope that you enjoy it. I just hope that I didn't cram too much into it. Well, go on now. Read it. And don't forget to review! Ok. I love you bu by. Remember . . . REVIEW!