Disclaimer/Author notes: See first 5 chaps!

Summary: Sometimes there's something behind you and you're just waiting for the time when it catches up with you, it affects every scene of your life, and yet no matter how bad, you wouldn't change it because ofthe things it brought you. Karen reflects as her 'something' catches up with her. No POV's this time, and flashbacks.

This is for Mars and Keisha and everyone else who, like them, keep reminding me that just because the next chapter is written on my PC doesn't mean other people can see it!

Enjoy!

Pretence of Perfection

I can't do the walk
I can't do the talk
I can't be your friend
Unless I pretend
So give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it
You give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it
(
Sewn, The Feeling)

She'd tried to make more of an effort to show her feelings at home, but she didn't think the others had ever found her lacking in private, so it hadn't been that great a change. She had carried on taking the children to their different clubs and teams; Olivia's kick-ball, Mason's swimming, and while she'd put on an act of indifference for anyone who looked, she made sure that they both knew how proud she was of them, and how much she cared about them. She'd started making more of an effort to join in when 'the gang' got together, but for most of the time, she'd been acting the part she had long before cast herself in.

She'd gotten much closer to Jack, able to tell him her secrets, and he knew far more about the truth of her home life than any of the others did then or now. She never told him about her condition, and she had begun to forget herself, of course it had always been there, in the back of her head, but she'd been living her life exactly the way she'd wanted, living for the day.

Will had been the only thing marring the togetherness of her life. After that first meeting, he'd lost his awe in her position and hadn't had much respect for her as a person. While Grace and Jack had happily accepted her apparent lack of emotions, Will just hadn't been able to, and so he'd made her into the epitome of evil without so much as a though. She'd known that, and it had hurt a bit, knowing that instead of looking deeper, Will had simply found her not worth his time. Of course she'd not said anything, and she'd played along, not lying when she said she had a fake laugh all for him. She'd hoped that by persuading Stan to sign Will's firm as their lawyers, it'd close some of the gap between them, but it hadn't, not really, and slowly she'd begun to accept that. She was Jack and Grace's friend, as Will was, and they were little more than client and help to each other.

They'd stayed in those roles for almost two years before anything had changed. Of course a lot of things had changed following that time, and perhaps the only good thing that had come out of it was that it had finally broken through the barriers between her and Will. But then, that was bitter compensation for finding your husband being put away for tax evasion.

: flashback :

The two FBI agents preceded them out of the office, unfazed by the reactions of the two people behind them. Having gotten over the initial embarrassment of having to pull his trousers back up, Will had listened intently to everything the two officials had said, completely shocked at what he was hearing. How could a man already worth hundreds of millions be stupid enough to avoid taxes? It hadn't been until the agents had told them to follow, that Will realised he'd had his arm around Karen the whole time. Looking into her face he could see the shock and worry still there, it amazed him how human she looked in that moment. They'd never gotten on, happy to both ignore and besmirch each other, but he found that right now, his opinions were changing. It seemed the Ice Queen had feelings after all.

Karen allowed herself to be lead out of the office, her mind whirring; how was she supposed to do it without Stan? Strangely, she found Will's presence comforting; grounding and it stopped her from feeling completely alone.

Her pager went off within her garter, the vibration a reminder that she had pills to take. The sudden reminder brought back thoughts of the disease slowly eating away at her and her mood changed to anger. How could Stan do this to her? He'd promised to always be there for her, through it all, and then he went and did something stupid. She hadn't believed it at first, her Stanley wouldn't break the law, he wouldn't jeopardise his family for something as inconsequential as a bit more money, but as the agents had continued, the pieces had begun falling into place. The late nights at the office, the whispered phone calls in the middle of the night that he would later claim never happened. He'd become more secretive, hiding more and more from her, but she'd just gone along with it, expecting the phase to end soon, and things to return to normal. But now she realised that it would not go back to normal, not for a good long time, and that scared her almost as much as the possibility of his death years before had done. After all, she had lost him in a way, and she couldn't see the children staying with the father in prison. She'd lost it all anyway.

: kw :

The Manse was crawling with field agents, and she watched in mute horror as they bulldozed through her home without a second thought. Drawers were searched, their content littered across the floor, furniture was overturned, pictures removed from the walls. She watched as her life was torn apart in front of her, every movement echoing the destruction she felt inside. She was glad the children weren't home, but she dreaded the inevitable conversation. She didn't know how she was going to break it to them, they worshiped their Father as much as she had, she couldn't stand to be the bearer of this news, but she would be, that was her job, her role in the family. She always gave the bad news.

She waited until Will was busy arguing with one of the agents over the necessity of confiscating the contents of the wall safes, before slipping out of the main room; she climbed the stairs, and carried on walking until she reached her closet. Falling onto the chaise lounge, she finally allowed the shock to slide away and the real emotions to surface. She didn't cry, as confused as she was, she couldn't hold on to one emotion long enough for it to manifest physically. So she simply sat in the quite of the room, surrounded by all the clothes she'd ever owned, and stared unseeingly at the far wall, her mind far away, and yet stuck firmly in the present.

She didn't notice Will's arrival until he sat down beside her, his voice bringing her out of her reverie.

"How you doing?" His voice was soft, a tone she rarely heard from him aimed at her.

"Oh, I'm fine Honey! My Husband's been taken away and he'll be gone for God knows how long, I've got to tell his Kids that their Dad's leaving and they're gonna be taken out of the house to go live with their Mother and I'm gonna be here on my own. Oh I don't think the day could get any better!" The sarcasm was so biting that Will flinched.

"Karen, you don't have to pretend with me, I want to help." He laid a hand on her arm, unconsciously sliding closer to her on the seat.

She finally turned to look at him, her face a mix of emotions with no one taking precedence.

"What do you want me to do Will? You want me to break down and cry? Scream and throw things around the room? Swear and yell at what a Bastard Stan is? Or maybe just drink myself into a coma? But then you wouldn't care really would you, you never have before. Oh, but wait, it doesn't matter anyway does it, because I'm Karen Walker, and I don't do that, I don't do emotions do I? So none of this hurts me, none of this feels like someone has pulled a rug out from under me. Why should it, I've never cared about any of it before? That's right isn't it, that's how you all really see me." She broke off, gasping in short breaths, angry at herself for revealing so much.

Will looked stunned, his mouth hanging open uselessly. He'd never realised how much they'd underestimated Karen.

"Karen, I…" He began, trying to find something, anything to respond with.

"Look, Honey, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. It's my fault you see me that way, I never really made an effort to be anything else. It's just, it's been a long day and I want to be alone for a bit. Have the agents left now?" Her head was killing her, and she was long past the scheduled time for her medication. She really didn't want to get into this now.

"Oh, yeah they have. Look Karen, I'll go, but just, just remember that you're not really alone, okay? You've still got Grace and Jack, and you've got me, when ever you need us, let us help you okay?" He sounded as sincere as he felt, and as he spoke he started leaving the room. Karen didn't answer with more than a nod, but he hadn't really expected much else, he left her to herself, and headed home, wondering what he was going to tell Gracie.

Karen was grateful for Will's words, she really was, but in some things she was more alone than he knew. None of them knew everything, and she'd have to deal with those things alone. But she'd survive, it's what she did, it's what she always did.

: end flashback :

tbc.


Hope everyone likedthis! I'm hoping to get the next chapter out soon, I'm sorry that they seem to be continuations of the episodes at the moment, but I just need to cover some of the ones I think are important to this storyline, and then I promise there will be some scenes straight out of my imagination! Please review and tell me what you think!