Disclaimer/Author notes: See first 5 chaps!

Summary: Sometimes there's something behind you and you're just waiting for the time when it catches up with you, it affects every scene of your life, and yet no matter how bad, you wouldn't change it because ofthe things it brought you. Karen reflects as her 'something' catches up with her. No POV's this time, and flashbacks.

This is for Mars whom I scaredwith: 'I'm stuck on Karen's last words', and for Jilian5 who beta-d this amazingly, and was truly concerned with being too mean about it. Sweetie, you really weren't!

Enjoy!

Open Wide and Holding On

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide,
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, but you're still alive
(
You Oughta Know, Alanis Morissette)

It had been an amazing year after that, definitely not in the good way. She'd sat still, trying for uncaring as her Step-children were taken from her, of course she'd told Grace that she hadn't wanted them around anyway, but underneath the layers of make-up, her heart had been screaming in pain. They'd all told her to visit him; she knew they couldn't understand why she hadn't wanted to visit Stan in prison. But she had been so angry with him at first, and then later, when she'd finally admitted to herself that she did miss him, she still hadn't truly been able to forgive him for leaving her alone, especially once his sentence had been extended.

She'd found herself drinking more that year too, but there really hadn't been anything else to come home to. When the end of the day came, and Grace locked up, she'd spend as long as she could away from the emptiness of the Manse, even if it meant spending more time in Will and Grace's apartment. She'd often wondered if they'd noticed just how many meals she'd shared with them at that time, she guessed they hadn't, they'd not said anything, after all, and it wasn't like any of them not to mention that. She'd just been so lonely, and since it wasn't her thing to let others know, she'd kept it to herself. It would have been nice for someone to have noticed, anyone, but they hadn't, and she'd found that unconsciously she'd been trying to project that. Lionel was proof enough that she'd just wanted someone to notice her again, even though she'd known it was wrong, and they hadn't really done anything. It had just felt nice to have someone care for her, in the way Stan always had before.

And then Stan had come back. It had happened so suddenly she'd had little time to process it. Of course she'd been so happy to have him home once again, but they'd both changed over the time they'd spent apart, and things hadn't been quite the same. She'd ignored it though, in favour of celebrating that she was once again getting her family back, with Mason and Olivia moving back, looking back she wished she had paid more attention to the differences, maybe then she wouldn't have had so large a shock when her world fell apart once again, she thanked the year of independence for her ability to hold herself together, and she didn't like to think of how it would have been if she'd fallen apart then and there.

:flashback :

She looked deep into the martini she held, hoping the ripples created by her shaking hand would provide the answers she so desperately needed, to the questions she couldn't bring herself to ask.

She barely remembered the actions of the past half hour; after she looked through those doors it was as if nothing else could enter her mind, and the images replayed over and over in her head like a film strip. She didn't think she'd ever forget the sight of her husband having sex with someone else, of her husband holding someone else close, his hand on someone else's breast, on top of the desk they'd picked out together when they'd first bought the house, the desk they had christened together in much the same way.

She knew the other woman had left. She recalled hearing the sound of cheap heels hitting the hallway before the front door slammed shut. She knew Jack had lead her into her bedroom, knew she'd sent him away, wanting to be alone. She didn't think he understood why she'd moved quickly from the bedroom to her closet, but she couldn't be sure that it was only her and Stan's bed any longer, and it had been too painful to look at.

Shut away amongst her favourite clothes, she found that even her drink held no interest to her, besides somewhere to rest her gaze. She didn't look up when the sound of the closet door opening and closing reached her ears, nor when she felt Stan's presence in the room, continuing instead to lose herself in the pale liquid.

Stan waited by the door, half hoping and half dreading that she'd raise her gaze to him. When he could take no more of the accusing silence and unfamiliar avoidance, he moved closer to her, careful to keep a slight distance; Karen had a strong punch when she was angry.

"Karen, I…" She looked up, cutting off his words as for the first time since his dirty secret had been discovered, he truly saw her. It wasn't anger he could see in her features, but the terrifying defeat he'd only seen once before during the hard week of her treatment.

She stared hard into his eyes, searching for any signs that her assumptions were wrong. That her marriage hadn't really reached its expiry date. She could see nothing of the man she'd fallen in love with time and again. At some point that man had changed, turning into the one standing before her, and she found she couldn't remember the change.

Knowing they couldn't continue this way she began to speak, aware that her words and Stan's response would determine so much of the rest of her life.

"How long?" She didn't elaborate, and Stan didn't require any more from her, he knew he couldn't feign ignorance of the question, but he knew what the answer would cause.

However much he'd ignored it, he'd known that one day he'd have to face-up to his wife, he still wasn't sure himself why he'd done it, perhaps it had just felt nice to have someone notice him, Karen hadn't visited in such a long time, and he really had been lonely.

"A few months, we met while I was in Prison." Seeing the first signs of anger on Karen's face, Stan rushed to continue. "I was lonely Kare! You weren't there; you don't know what it was like for me all alone in that place, and then she came along, and Karen, she made me feel special again. I was just so alone." He stopped, turning away, and Karen watched, her anger melting to pure pain. So he blamed her for everything.

Her voice was soft when she spoke, lower than he was used to and he found himself inexplicably drawn back to watching her.

"Maybe you're right Stan. Maybe I don't know what it was like for you in there, but you have no idea what it was like for me either. I may have had people around me, but do you have any idea how lonely I was? When you went away you took the kids with you too. I was left here on my own and you know what? I was lonely too, and I had offers, but in the end, I believed in us too much to throw it all away just to feel special for one moment. I knew that your love was the only thing that could make me feel as special as you always have. At least I thought I knew. Yes, I came so close to giving up on us, but I know that I would never have been able to go through with it, even though you'd given me permission, because this marriage means so much to me. But I can see now that it's not the same for you, because it wasn't just a one time thing." She broke off, fixing her eyes straight on his own, knowing what she had to do, what she had to say, but wishing it could be any other way than this.

Stan still said nothing, Karen's speech had shocked him silent, the delivery so calm, and yet it hit with the strength of a storm.

"Stanley, I love you, God I love you so much it hurts now, and I think that if you'd said this had been the first time, if I could have passed it off as a one time mistake, a slip, then I could have worked through that, we could have worked through that. But it wasn't once was it? If it's been months, then I can't even pretend that you didn't know what you were doing."

"Karen what are you…" Stan's faint question was cut off by Karen, her free hand coming up in front of her.

"Bup, bup, bup. Honey I need to finish this. Once, maybe I could have forgiven, but this is too much Stan, you've lied to me, you've cheated on me, but you know, worst of all, you've betrayed me, not just by treating our marriage like a sham, but because you promised me that I wouldn't have to go through any of this alone. But I have, and I will, because I can't see us moving past this, I don't even think you really want us to. I love you Stanley Walker, I always will, but I can't stay here with you anymore." As much as it was hurting her to think of actually leaving him, she knew it would kill her to stay after what had happened, and really, she couldn't be too sure that he would want to stay with her anyway. With one last look around her closet, she stepped close to Stan until she could feel his body heat, and her heart ached to be wrapped in it once again. Reaching up on to the tips of her toes, she leant in and placed a final kiss to his lips, before turning away and walking out of the closet she could no longer lay claim to. She didn't turn back, and so never saw the look of bereavement on the face of the man she could no longer call her husband.

The look was only there for a moment, before he shook his head, and moved to leave the room himself, there was a part of him deep down that was screaming at how wrong he had been, but the rest of him ignored it. He wasn't alone, he had his money, he had Lorraine now, and he had his Kids. He just had to find a way to tell them.

: kw :

She stepped off the elevator and could have smiled at the sight of Jack holding his broom close. She could see the pity in his eyes already, and it was almost too much, so she looked away quickly, moving to sit at the only free table at Jacques.

"Hi Jackie." Her voice was soft in the still corridor.

"Hi, Kare. I hope you're not hungry. The kitchen just closed." He watched her as she sat, aware that she was avoiding him. He'd been thinking of what he'd seen since leaving her at the Manse. Part of him wished he'd never forced her into going there to see Stan at all. But the rest of him knew it was better she'd found out this way. He still couldn't believe it himself, he never would have expected Stan, of all people to cheat on Karen.

"No, it's ok." Silence filled the hall for a moment as they both became lost in their thoughts. "It's quiet tonight."

"Well…a holiday." Jack stopped, moving another chair to the table and seating himself facing Karen. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Oh yeah, Bourbon on the rocks." Karen answered, needing something to give her the courage to move forward.

"Oh, we don't have a liquor licence." He looked truly apologetic, and she wondered why he really thought she'd need him to have one.

"I do." And she bent to remove a glass and bottle from her bag. The movement allowed her the time to compose herself. She knew she'd have to tell someone what had happened, she couldn't keep it to herself much longer, she could already feel her control slipping.

With the familiar drink in her hand she finally looked up, facing Jack, the words becoming real as she spoke them.

"It's been going on for months. She works in the prison cafeteria." Stan hadn't told her that, but as she said it, she remembered seeing the prison's badge on the shirt that had been flung carelessly over one of the standing lamps in Stan's study.

"The hairnet... the pork chops... how can I compete with that? Apparently, she had him at jello." Her breath caught as she finished, and she took another gulp of her drink, the liquid burning her throat a grim echo of the tears burning the back of her eyes.

"So, uh, what are you gonna do?" Jack was almost certain what she should do, but he wasn't sure if he could really see her doing it.

"Well... Honey, I left him." Her voice cracked, and Jack watched in shock, his heart aching to see her like this. It took everything he had not to run over to the Manse and beat some sense into the idiot that was Stan.

"Sorry…" The elevator doors opening stopped him from saying more, and he couldn't help but stare as Karen poured her drink into each of the two children's pumpkins, their chorus of 'Trick or Treat' producing an irony he had to appreciate.

: kw :

The elevator doors closed once again as the children left to search another floor, not understanding the depressed atmosphere they had just left behind.

Sitting at the table, Karen's gaze remained averted from Jack's, not wanting to see the emotions she knew would be there in his eyes.

The silence stretched, and her thoughts circled; she had left him, this time it had been partly her own actions that lead to the loss of her family.

Jack watched her, his own thoughts centred on the revelation; for once his attention was firmly focussed on Karen. He knew he couldn't truly understand what it must have been like for her. He, himself, had been on every end of an affair, but he'd never been married to the person for ten years, and he'd never loved them the way he was sure Karen did Stan. Of course she'd rarely said anything, but you needed only to watch her face light up at the mention of her husband to know that there was love there.

Unable to keep her emotions in check any longer, Karen raised her hands to her face, attempting to shut both the world out and herself in.

She jumped as strong arms wrapped around her and she felt herself being pulled from the chair, up against a warm body. She gave into the comfort of Jack's embrace, and cried desperate tears against his chest. What was she going to do without Stan and the children?

Jack was surprised at how she'd responded to his presence, and he hugged her tighter as he felt the sobs wracking her tiny frame. Knowing that they wouldn't remain unseen much longer if they stayed there, and being certain that Karen would hate for anyone to see her actually feeling anything, he lifted her carefully, and cradling her against him, he moved into his apartment, the door shutting just as the elevator opened once more emitting Grace and Will.

He moved to his bed and gently deposited Karen on it, moving to lay himself down beside her, and pulling her close once more. He didn't know what to say, or how to help, so he simply held her and whispered what he hoped were words of comfort in her ear.

Jack's words broke through her outburst, and she felt herself calming to his smooth voice. She still didn't know how she'd survive without Stan, but she would, and she'd have her friends around her to help. Snuggling into Jack's side she cleared her mind of all thoughts and feelings, a skill she'd never been more grateful to her mother for making her learn, and allowed his voice to push her into sleep. It would be hard, but she would get through. She was Karen Walker, it's what she did.

: end of flashback :

tbc.


Hope you enjoyed this. A rather sad chapter wasn't it? I can't even promise that the next one will be happier! Please tell me what you thought, and I'll try to get the next one out soon!