Enormous thanks go to Pamena who laboriously went through this chapter and pointed out the bits that needed fixing. Thank you so much Sweetie, I couldn't have done this without you!
Thanks to everyone who waited so patiently for this chapter, I hope you won't be disappointed, especially Keisha, Mars and Jilian, you guys managed to push me through the block I had on this chapter!
Missed But Not Forgotten
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I been through
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again some day
(Who You'd Be Today, Kenny Chesney)
It was hard those following months. She'd found herself constantly expecting to go home to Stan, only to come down from a high to realise she wasn't with him anymore. She'd hoped, in the first few days after she'd spent the night with Jack, that Stan would turn up at Grace's office and drag her back home. It had been a silly dream, she'd known it at the time too, but it had been her dream nonetheless one that had died a particularly painful death when Beverly told her, not without some enjoyment, that he'd seen Stanley's new woman eating dinner with him several times around town. Of course, she'd told no one thought she had thought about telling Jack. He'd been so good to her, that first day, but then he'd met Lorraine and she'd been reminded of just how shallow he could be. Grace was busy with her own marriage and Will had been busy with his own life, so with no one to really turn to, she'd kept it all to herself. It wasn't that much of a change; she'd never been one to 'share' anyway. She'd simply upped her intake of pills and alcohol, so that neither the pain of her divorce, nor the inevitability of a relapse in her health, could affect her.
She hadn't seen the children much then either, they'd stayed with their Father, of course. She couldn't blame them for not finding time to see her, it had been term time, and she'd not kept the best hours herself. She'd moved into the Palace, and tried to enjoy being single once again. She'd come to accept her life without Stan, and had even begun to hope he had in fact found happiness, even if it wasn't with her. Then the divorce had formally begun.
It had hurt a little to realise Will wasn't going to be her lawyer but she'd understood the circumstances. Even though she'd signed on as Will's client, it had all been in Stan's name. She'd begun to realise just how much she'd actually done in Stan's name. She realised now that she shouldn't have been so surprised that he'd tried to contest the Pre-nuptial and cheat her out of what was rightfully, and legally hers, but it had hurt. After all, she'd hoped that even if he didn't want her to be his wife, he still cared about her enough to ensure she had money to live on.
It had been hard that final week of the divorce, watching him in the courtroom, her friend and her Husband against just her and Soupy. And just when things had reached the bottom, she'd made the mistake of commenting on how things couldn't possible have gotten worse.
Stan may have broken her heart, and left her alone one too many times, but she'd never really wanted him dead.
: flashback :
Karen stood alone in Stan's office. The last of his things still visible within the open cardboard box. The final one to be moved to storage. It hadn't been practical to leave most of his things in the Manse, without Stan they wouldn't have been used anyway.
She could barely stand to look at the room, the images it invoked were no longer of love and passion, but of betrayal and deceit.
Turning her back to the desk, she reached up atop the mantel for her drink; the smooth liquid sliding softly passed the lump in her throat.
For the first time in a long time she'd not had to fake her reaction in front of her friends. Her shock had been very real. She had barely begun accepting Stan's adultery, and now she was expected to be able to accept his death? She knew she wouldn't appear distressed to others, her walls and facades were too perfect for much emotion to show through. And truthfully, she didn't know herself exactly how she felt. Too much had happened over too short a period; just as she'd begun to believe things could not get worse, they had, twice. All she knew, all she was sure of, was that she was in mourning. Not solely for the death of her Husband, but for the death of her marriage too.
Just as she drained the last drop from her glass, she felt a presence behind her, in the doorway. She didn't need to turn to know who it was, she didn't want to see Rosario, not now, not whilst her emotions were close to the surface. If there was anyone who'd be able to see past the walls, it was her Rosie. The woman had been at her side for more years than she could remember, she had been completely honest when she'd told Jack that Rosario was her friend. She didn't like to think of living in a time where Rosie wouldn't be there, and she had to admit that the one silver lining to her disease was that she'd probably never have to. Trying to forcibly shake off her thoughts, she finally turned around, a sarcastic comment all ready on her tongue, but was stunned to silence to find Rosario looking at the box of Stan's things, her shaded glasses atop her head, and tears slipping slowly down her cheeks.
Karen had never seen the Salvadorian cry, not in all the time they'd known each other had she even seen her upset. Seeing her now almost pushed Karen over the edge too, but she couldn't let herself break down, not now, not when she obviously needed to be strong for Rosario. Moving silently, she placed the empty glass on the vacant desk, and stepped towards her maid.
"Rosie? Honey, what's wrong?" She didn't get much further before she found herself in a tight hold, as Rosario clung to her, hiding her face in her neck. It scared Karen to see her this way, and the action had been so sudden, she froze in place at first. Slowly she relaxed into the embrace, and rubbed comfortingly on Rosario's back.
"Honey, it's ok. Hey come on, tell me what's wrong. Please Rosie; you're starting to scare me." She tried several times, but the only response to her queries was the continued sobbing, and a spreading damp patch on her silk shirt.
Eventually, Rosario began to calm, her breaths coming in small hiccups. She was ashamed of her emotional outburst, more so because the one person she'd really not wanted to fall apart in front of, was the one person holding her now. She didn't know how she was going to explain herself, and so decided for denial, surely Miss Karen wouldn't really want to know anyway.
Karen felt Rosario pull away from her, and she loosened her hold, letting her go and expecting to finally have an explanation for the odd behaviour, but none came. She watched stunned as Rosario walked out of the door in silence. She remained staring sightlessly at the doorway, until she suddenly snapped out of her trance and ran to catch up with her maid, knowing instinctively where to find her.
:kw:
As expected, Karen found Rosario in the dining room, the cabinet containing the family silver; open in front of her, as she proceeded to polish each item individually. Karen had long since known of the release her maid got from mindless polishing. She didn't understand it, but she accepted it. After all, what was polishing to one person, was drinking to another, in the end it didn't matter what method you used, the result was always the same. Usually, however, Rosario would notice her entrance at once, jumping up to insult her and push her out of the room. This time, Karen was able to come to stand directly behind her, before she so much as noticed her presence. Even then the only acknowledgement she received was a shuddery sigh.
Sighing herself, Karen gracefully lowered herself to the floor, and moved until she sat in front of Rosario, her back to the silver. Leaning forward, she removed the cloth and Silver dish from Rosie's suddenly still hands, replacing them with her own smaller hands, and gave them a slight squeeze, drawing Rosario's gaze finally to her face. Karen allowed a soft smile onto her face as she began to talk, urging Rosario to trust her.
"Honey, what happened in there?" Rosario's eyes flickered away from her own, coming back to rest on her face again, only after she'd spoken.
"Nothing, forget it Miss Karen, isn't it time for your minutely martini?" The attempt in topic change did not go unnoticed by Karen, nor did the dig at her drinking habits, but she let them slide, knowing that this was more important than the truth behind that question.
"Rosie, in all the time I've known you I've never once seen you show any more emotion than I do, so don't tell me that this is nothing. Honey it took five minutes for you to calm down enough to leave, you were sobbing for pity's sake! Now I want to know what it was that could possibly have upset you that much in Stan's study…" She trailed off as she saw Rosario flinch at the use of her Husband's name, the pieces beginning to fit together in her mind.
"Rosie, this is all because of Stan isn't it? All the tears, the sobbing, it's because he's…you know." Even Karen couldn't say it out loud, not when Rosario grimaced at the mere implication of the word.
Looking around the room, Rosario could see no way out of this conversation, neither by physically moving out of the room, nor by talking around the issue, because her friend had her almost completely pegged, and it scared her that she could know her so well.
After waiting several moments, and still not receiving any response, she took the silence to be confirmation of her suspicions, and tugged on Rosario's hands, bringing her attention once more on herself.
"Honey, I know Stanley's death was unexpected, and I know that we'll all miss him, but you've got to think of it the same way you did all those years ago when I first told you about my illness." Leaning forward, and removing one of her hands, Karen reached into the top Rosario's uniform, her finger's searching for the necklace she knew she always wore tucked in there. Grasping it tightly, she pulled it out over the front, the long chain enabling her to hold it out before Rosario. The heart-shaped charm glittered in the room's light, the rays from the open window reflecting off the engraving in the gold, making it stand out even more, and emphasising the words as Karen repeated them.
"Diligo mos nunquam intereo ut memoria ago in." No one else knew that she'd given this necklace to her maid the same Christmas she'd given similar presents to the other members of her family, it had been their little secret for years.
Eventually pulling her gaze from the charm, to look at Rosario, she was shocked to see more tears in her eyes, and she suddenly felt pangs of guilt realizing that she had, instead of comforting, only upset her further. She opened and closed her mouth several times, uncaring that she resembled a fish, struggling to find something to say, having yet to drop her hold on Rosario's necklace.
Feeling a hand wrap around her own, Karen glanced once more to find Rosario holding her hand, an ironic mirror image of the other hand in which Karen's hand held Rosario's.
"I don't want to think about when you first told me about your…" She trailed off, taking a deep breath and continuing on, her voice barely above a whisper, and rough from emotion. "Mr Stan's death reminded me of just how quickly life passes, and I just thought about what the future will bring…what am I going to do without you Mammy?" Her voice broke with the last word, and she dropped her head, tears falling onto the cream carpet.
Karen felt her own tears slip down her cheeks, as her mind and heart processed Rosario's words. Unable to hold back any longer, she pulled herself towards Rosario and threw herself at her, both of them clinging to each other as they dealt with their overflowing emotions.
Without pulling back, Karen spoke through her uneven breathing, her words coming out surprisingly strongly.
"'Love will never die when the memory lives on', Honey, as long as you remember, you'll never be without me."
:end flashback :
tbc.
Did anyone cry? Hope you liked, and I promise the next chap will definitely be up sooner this time, I just had some trouble getting this one out, it's not my favourite chapter, but I think I'm happy with it! But please tell me what you think! And thanks for reading!
