This is for Mars, who, without her constant support and persuasion I would not have got this written for a good long time! This one's for you sweetie!
A/N: I'm kinda disappointed no one picked up on the irony of the lyrics in the last chapter, ah, well, atleast you liked the chapter itself!
Decisions for the Record
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
(My Way, Frank Sinatra)
Its funny how quickly life can move, when you want to slow down time, give yourself the chance to enjoy the moment, it passes like light, straight by you. She'd found this to be true in the months following Stanley's death. His death, Rosie's reaction even the children's reactions had thrown her right back into contemplating what would happen when her time was up. Stan was supposed to have been there to take care of everything, but he wasn't, so she'd decided to spend as much time as she could with her friends and family, hoping to drag out the days.
Grace had gone to Cambodia, a heroic attempt to save her marriage, especially for someone who had never been away from a Television for more than a few hours. Will had been a mess at first, and she'd watched him struggle to live without her, valiantly ignoring any parallels she could have made with the future. Jack had been...well Jack. He'd been partially there to listen to her problems or to fool around and have fun, but she wasn't sure if she had changed, or if he had, but she'd found herself wanting a deeper relationship with him, one that didn't consist or simply having a laugh. As much as she loved that, she'd found that she wanted to have moments like the one after she'd found out about Stan's affair. She didn't want to miss out on those moments just because she was too busy messing around all the time.
Then there had been Lyle Finster. Finster was a name she had, at one point, hoped never to hear again, unless it was in an obituary. Then she'd meet Lyle, and as mixed up and twisted as the idea had been, he'd made her feel special in a way that she hadn't since she'd stopped being enough for Stan. Here had been a man who gave up his newly reunited daughter for her, who had found out her place of work, and made several attempts to get her to date him. She hadn't been chased in such a long time, and she'd become so swept up in the feelings of being wanted, and being loved, that she'd not really considered the effects the relationship would have on her life. She'd not told Finny about her illness, there'd never really been a good time, and after her medical tests had shown nothing new, she'd simply decided to tell him if it ever became an issue, in honesty, she'd not expected the relationship to last that long anyway.
She'd been so grateful to Will for going with her to the doctors; of course he hadn't truly understood her aversion to anything medical. How could he have, when the reason for her fear sprung from experiences he'd never been told? It had been both a blessing and a curse when the results came back. She'd ensured years before, that on any results that would be sent to her, or any one else, nothing of her illness should show, and that if there were any new developments, she'd be told in person, or over the phone. It had been a decision not made lightly, but she'd not wanted the information to get into the wrong hands. So when the results had come back, she'd known they wouldn't show anything of any consequence, but a small part of her had hoped that they'd made a mistake and let something of her hidden medical background slip through. They hadn't, so the secrecy had stayed, and she'd continued on with her fast paced life. Grace had returned, Jack had become a certified nurse, and Finny had asked her to marry him. Things had finally seemed to be looking up; she should have known it had been too perfect.
Though she'd had her reasons, and she still believed that ultimately she'd made the right decision, she wished her latest marriage had lasted more than twenty minutes.
: flashback :
Caesar's Palace had turned out to be not nearly as tacky as she had first expected. The decorations were neither too garish nor too mundane, and Karen found that a blessing, for at that moment, the last thing she needed was to develop a headache because of poor design.
She knew she shouldn't have just left like that; walking out of her own wedding reception after asking for a divorce was so Vegas, and really it wasn't like her. But she'd listened to Lyle talk of all the things she'd given up to be with him, to be the perfect wife he wanted, and she'd realised that, she'd never changed so much for anyone before, and at this point in her life, she couldn't afford to be anyone other than herself. Sure she hid parts of her personality away from those around her, and yes she wasn't always herself around others, but to actually change as much as she had been just to make this marriage work…she couldn't let herself do that. She knew she would only come to hate herself and Finster in the future if she did.
She'd almost given up her friendship with Jack for him. Something she was grateful she'd been able to undo. Though it hadn't entirely been for her marriage that she'd tried to make Jack move on. She knew what the future would bring, and she'd thought that having him move on whilst she was still around, would make it that much easier for him when she wasn't. But it had hurt far too much to see him replace her so easily. They'd talked long into the night after that, and she knew that her temporary replacement would never have held Jacks heart as she did, but when he had asked again why she'd tried to break them up in the first place, she'd stuck to her excuse of her impending marriage. She couldn't handle it if Jack began to replace her while she was around again, which she was now sure he would do if she told him too early.
The sound of her suite door clicking closed alerted her for the first time that there was another presence in the room with her. Without turning from the bed where she was packing her small travel case, Rosario having passed out in the bathroom, the shrimp cocktail and free flowing beer too much for her, she called out.
"Finny, I've already told you that I have nothing more to say to you! Nothing you can say will change my mind. And I will not answer anymore of your questions in exchange for a kiss! I'm on to you this time."
There were no more sounds from the main room, and Karen continued folding her negligee, satisfied that she'd finally gotten through to her soon to be ex-husband. Moving to the dressing table, she grabbed her brush and make-up bag, and turned back around to face the bed, only to find it occupied. After releasing a small scream, throwing her hands up to her chest and consequently dropping everything onto the carpeted floor, she calmed enough to be able to recognise and berate the man before her.
"Damn it Beverly! You scared me! Shouldn't you be sitting around Snow White's coffin with the other six dwarves?" She smiled slightly to soften the words, actually happy to see him, and bent to pick up her spilt items.
Beverly didn't answer, he simply watched her as she gathered a lipstick from where it had rolled beneath the chest of drawers. He wasn't particularly surprised that Karen had called off her marriage. Many didn't think he paid much attention, but he did. When anything interesting occurred, he liked to keep an eye on it, just incase some juicy gossip could come out of it. So when he'd heard about the Widowed Mrs. Walker's engagement, he'd been sure to listen and watch very carefully, and he hadn't been disappointed. He'd watched her change right in front of his eyes; he was quite surprised her friends hadn't noticed, it had been so obvious to him that her smiles had become more fake.
Having finally collected all of the contents of her make-up and placed them with the brush in her case, Karen turned back to Beverly, only now realizing that he had yet to speak. It was unlike him, especially with how today had gone. He was never one to pass up such a perfect opportunity to taunt her. Locking eyes with him, she slid onto the bed, coming to rest just in front of him, her legs tucked beneath her, wishing that she had changed from her wedding suit as soon as she'd left the reception.
Neither spoke for several seconds, each lost in thought, their gazes still locked, until Karen became uncomfortable with the silence and the strangeness that had filled the suite since Beverly's entrance.
"Bev, honey, you know I love you like a cold sore, but what are you doing here?" When Beverly continued to remain silent, his eyes never shifting, his face never changing, Karen jumped up from the bed, her frustration getting the best of her, as she paced from one end of the room to the other, strands of her hair falling loose from its bun framing her face.
"Why aren't you talking! Where are the 'Poor Karen Walker, even on her wedding day she's all alone' comments? You had plenty when we were down there before. Where is the 'Oh I knew this one wouldn't last.'? This isn't you Bev and quite frankly you're scaring me!" She stopped, panting slightly, her face tinged red, as she glared at Beverly, mentally urging him to say something. Anything.
Finally, Beverly began to move, lifting himself off of the bed, and walking over to where Karen stood, his eyes still not leaving her face. He stopped in front of her, and placed his hands over her own where they hung down by her sides, a gesture he rarely made to her.
"Poor Karen, all sad and alone, and at her own wedding too, what ever will we do with this poor women?" He stopped, and Karen felt a genuine smile settle on her face, for the first time in what seemed like years.
"Thanks Bev, you're sweet." She bent down and planted a light kiss on his cheek. He squeezed her hands, and then released them, making his way to her door. As he reached it, he turned to face her once more, his features serious.
"It's scary to see someone who's never been afraid to be themselves suddenly change. You're going to be around for a good while yet, don't change yourself for someone else, wait for the someone who wants you for you. And I'll deny this if asked, but Karen, there's going to be someone who wants you for you." With that he left the room.
Karen stared at the empty doorway until she heard the main door click shut once again. Lost deep in her thoughts, she slipped once more onto her bed, her feet dangling gracefully over the edge, as she sat looking at her folded hands. Beverly was right of course, she shouldn't try to be someone else; that was why she'd not been able to stay with Lyle after all. But more than that, more than she was sure even Beverly intended, she couldn't afford to be someone else. She didn't have as much time as he thought, but she still had enough, and she wanted to spend it being herself, with the people who did love her for her. The only problem was, if she was determined to stop pretending, then they would have to know, and she wasn't ready for that, not yet.
Sighing deeply, she rose from the bed, and grabbed her bag, looking around once more, checking she'd not left anything behind; clothes, mascara, an unopened bottle of vodka from the cleared out mini-fridge. Satisfied she had everything, she left the suite, taking the elevator to the front hall, before signing out at the desk. Stepping out of the front doors, she breathed in the city air, watching as her limo pulled up.
So she didn't have a husband? She didn't need to have everything taken care of by someone else. She was Karen, and she was going to be herself once again, because if she wasn't, then there was little point to the rest of her life.
: end flashback :
tbc.
Let me know what you think! And I hope I replied to everyone's reviews, but if not, I want to say thank you!
