Chapter Five
Pam can't believe how nervous she is. The last time she was on a plane she was eight and going to Disney World. She and Roy hadn't ever taken a trip that they couldn't drive to.
She'd always wanted to go places. She's dreamt of exotic beaches and quaint European villages or…dipping her toes in the Pacific Ocean. She has a whole list and she's never crossed one thing off of it. It's like one day she woke up and decided to settle. There were so many things she'd wanted to do but didn't.
She'd been heartbroken and strangely jealous when Jim had told her he was going to Australia instead of her wedding. It was one of the things she'd remembered when she'd left Roy, the way she'd felt that day. She'd have loved to do something like that. She remembers the day Jim told her, and the way her heart silently screamed out to him, "Take me with you."
Instead, months later she was on a plane to New York. When she arrives she'll meet up with Jan to take the quick ride to Stamford. If she was being honest, that wasn't what made her most nervous. It's that Jim would be waiting for her when she got there.
The ride with Jan had been odd to say the least. Pam still felt like she didn't have anything in common with a woman like her. Plus there was that unspoken…thing…in the air - Jan's involvement with Michael - which was weird on so many levels.
Pam stands outside the door to the Stamford office. This was it. A single pane of glass was all that separated her from every dream she ever had. It was all that was keeping her from finally using her talent for something other than doodles during ridiculous office meeting and if she was really lucky, most important of all, Jim.
Her stomach is in knots, her palms sweaty. Her heart begins to beat frantically. She touches Jan's arm gently and whispers that she needs to use the Ladies' Room.
Once inside she leans her hands on the sink and stared at her reflection in the mirror, suddenly worried that she was dressed all wrong. She'd varied from her trademark button down shirt and sweater combination, instead wearing a simple pink cardigan and a slim black skirt. She'd added a small string of pearls and her hair was no longer pinned back off her face, but was a loose mass of curls about her shoulders.
She bites her bottom lip and realizes her gloss had worn off. She barely ever wore makeup but today was a special occasion - for more reasons than one. As she searches her purse she hears someone coming out of one of the stalls. A pang of jealousy fills Pam's heart.
The woman next to her had the kind of look Pam had secretly envied her entire life. Her hair was sleek and…perfect. She looked so sophisticated Pam suddenly thought she paled in comparison.
Becky rinses her hands quickly and then reaches for a paper towel, sighing and taking a steadying breath. She turns towards Pam and gives her a weak smile.
"That's a great color on you." She says softly.
Pam runs her hand over her sleeve, blushing a bit. "Thanks."
"You're welcome." Becky stares into the mirror and shakes her head, trying to talk herself into leaving. She had no idea why she felt the need to talk to a stranger but she's had a rough day. She's had a rough few weeks actually. She turns to Pam and says softly. "Would you like a bit of unsolicited advice?"
Unsure as to exactly what she was trying to say Pam hears herself whisper. "Sure."
"Don't get involved with someone you work with." She says bitterly as she tosses her paper towel into the trash. "Just…don't." Becky sighs as she eases away from the sink and out the door.
With shaky hands Pam reapplies her lip gloss. Becky's words were still ringing in her ears as she made her way back to the Reception area and off to her interview.
An hour later she knew she'd nailed it. She'd brought a small folder of drawings she'd done when she was in college and talked to them about the courses in graphic design she'd taken. They were so enthusiastic; she was all smiles when it was over.
Pam was giddy as she made her way back to Jan, who congratulated her and then announced that they'd be going to dinner with a group of people from the office, so she could get to know everyone. Of course, there was only one person Pam wanted to see - one that she already knew pretty well.
After being directed by the receptionist, with whom she exchanged a sympathetic smile, Pam slowly she moves towards his office, silently willing herself to calm down. Don't look too anxious, she cautioned herself, remember you're friends, just friends, just friends she whispers over and over in her mind.
She saw him through the window of his office seconds before she reached it. He was leaning back in his chair, his eyes to the ceiling. She knew that look on his face well. He was bored out of his mind but trying desperately to keep his customer from knowing. She'd watched that technique for three years. She could see and hear it loud and clear but the person on the other end of the line never suspected a thing.
Pam stood in his doorway, leaning against the doorjamb with her arms crossed in front of her. He suddenly senses her there and has to look over because he doesn't believe it. Finally, his eyes meet hers. His whole face brightens as he hurriedly finishes his phone call.
He doesn't give himself time to think. In seconds he bounds out of his chair and pulls her into his arms. "Pam." He whispers against her hair.
She is startled by his reaction. She didn't expect such a warm reception, not after how they'd left things the last time they were in the same room together. Tentatively her hands move up his back as she sinks into him, remembering the kiss he gave her all those months ago.
"Hi." She finally manages to find her voice.
"What? Where? How…" He stammers as he hugs her tightly against him.
"You forgot why and who." Pam giggles. She can't help herself.
"Well I certainly know where and who but yeah…why works." Jim smiles widely as he pulls away, still too overwhelmed to be conscious of the fact he'd just been holding her in his arms. "What's going on?"
He looks at her and it suddenly dawns on him. His eyes fly open wide and he grins madly. "The internship."
"Yeah." She says, her voice shaking a bit.
"You got it!" He says excitedly.
"Looks like it."
"It's here?" He asks in disbelief.
"Yeah." She smiles wider.
"That's incredible. That's great." He doesn't give himself time to contemplate what it would mean to work with her again before pulls her back into a quick hug. He gazes down at her as he pulls away, unable to keep the smile off his face. "God…Pam. It's so good to see you."
She clasps her hands together and sways a bit as she stands before him. "It's good to be seen."
"You look…" His eyes roam over her, but Pam is struck again how unlike Roy Jim was. When Roy looked at her that way she always felt a bit…dirty. But when Jim gazes at her like that it wasn't exactly innocent, but as if in honest appreciation of the effort she'd made. "…fantastic. Really, really…great."
What he really wants say is that she is unbelievably beautiful, but now that she's so close, he doesn't want to say anything that will push her away - even a little bit.
He needn't have worried, his words have her stomach doing somersaults. "Thank you." She blushes a deeper shade of pink than her sweater and averts her eyes.
"You're welcome." He says with a grin. He looks at her thoughtfully, his fingers reaching out and snagging a curl that had been resting on her shoulder before he can stop himself. "You did something different to your hair."
A shock runs through her when he touches her. "Yeah…I just….I was…I wanted a change…" She stammers to get the words out.
"I like it." Jim replies simply as he lets it go.
"Thank you." She says, blushing again.
They stand there in silence for a few seconds before Pam says softly. "I'm here with Jan. She says we're all supposed to go for dinner and drinks."
"Really?"
Please don't tell me you have plans. Pam thinks to herself as she begins to panic. Please, please. She looks up at him, her eyes quietly pleading. "You don't have plans do you?"
"None that I can think of." Jim replies. Before he can stop himself a voice in his head adds…and no plans I wouldn't break to spend time with you. He tries to ignore it as it gets louder. Don't do this. Don't let yourself be taken in again. Just…don't…
But it's useless, because now that she's within arms reach again, he is determined not to let her go.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
So this is her. Becky thinks to herself. The infamous Pam.
She's not exactly sure what to make of her. She's…plain. Average even. Not at all someone who she'd ever feel challenged by to be sure. One thing is obvious, Pam is small town, through and though.
Another obvious thing? She's completely, totally, head over heels in love with Jim.
It's so obvious Becky almost laughs, right there in the little bistro where her colleagues are alternatively trying to be on their best behaviour and trying to drink their weight in wine. She watches Pam and Jim carefully. It's almost like a movie. The stolen glances, the sexual tension hanging in the air like a fog. The two of them sitting there, both denying how crazy they are about each other is almost more than she can take.
All of the sudden, she's dying for a cigarette, though she hasn't smoked in years. "Excuse me." She whispers to Jan as she pushes away from the table.
When Becky softly brushes past him Jim finally notices. A thought pushes through his Pam induced haze. He gazes back at Pam and realizes she's engrossed in conversation. He gives her a little grin and stands up, slowly walking over towards the bar.
He finds Becky there, leaning seductively across it, trying to bum a cigarette.
"You don't smoke." He says softly.
"You don't know that." Becky replies, bitterness edging her voice.
"OK." Jim nods. "I get it. Still mad at me."
Becky flashes the bartender a grin as she holds the still unlit cigarette delicately. She turns back towards Jim, shaking her head vehemently. "Not mad. Not mad at all. I mean, how can I possibly be? Look at the two of you together."
"What that supposed to mean?" He gives her a confused look.
"You. And...pretty little Pam." Her voice is tinged with sarcasm."You two are perfect. Perfectly in denial." Becky said with a sigh.
Jim just stares at her, wondering what her point is.
She gratefully takes a sip of the gin and tonic the bartender places in front of her. "Do the world a favour. Get it over with. Just go over to there, pick her up, throw her over your shoulder and drag her to bed. That's what you want to do right?"
Images were flying though Jim's mind now. Visions of Pam. In bed. Visions of Pam in his bed. He couldn't deny Becky had hit the nail squarely on the head with that one.
He pushes the visions aside as he realizes Becky is still talking. "I get it. You don't want me anymore. You probably never wanted me. I knew it that night and I sure as hell know it now. Just let the rest of us out of our misery and tell her already. For Christ's sake, it's painful to watch."
"Becky…I'm sorry." Jim whispers. He felt terrible, honestly. He never meant to hurt her.
She shrugs it off as if it's nothing. "I'll survive." And because she was feeling spiteful she added. "Besides, I've had better."
"Have you?" A voice calls out from behind him.
Jim's face falls as he turns around to face Pam, his mind spinning as he tries to respond to her. It's no use. He's much too slow.
Pam stares him in the eyes, her gaze cold enough to shatter glass. She pushes past him and makes her way out the door as she says softly. "I wouldn't know."
