Chapter One: Ellie

I guess I should start with the basics. My name is Eleanor Nash, I go by Ellie. Who knows, in ten years, I might go by Eleanor. I'm seventeen, meaning when I'm watching this, I'm probably 27… unless it's after my birthday, in which case I'm 28. And I just realized that I'm rambling and I need to change that. I need to actually get onto my point.

I'm a senior in high school. I'm not supposed to have so many feelings inside. I read somewhere that high school is supposed to be the best years of your life. If that's the case, then why do I feel like this? Why do I feel so confused and so lost? Granted, it's been a confusing couple of years, with Dad leaving, and Sean leaving, and Ash leaving, and Craig leaving. Everyone leaves. Maybe that's why I feel this way.

But sometimes they do come back. Ashley emailed me the other day. She's coming home for graduation. I can't wait. I got a similar call from Craig. I'm so glad he's kept in touch. And then of course, Sean. He came and surprised me at the Dot a few weeks ago. I was overwhelmed.

He was my first love and just abandoned me when the going got tough. That's how I felt. I felt completely abandoned. I felt that maybe I wasn't enough for him to love. Maybe I wasn't reason enough for him to stay in Toronto and deal with the shooting. I'll admit right now, since this thing won't be seen for ten years, and then I might not even come back to watch it, I spent every night hoping and dreaming that he'd come back and want me back. When he did, I was shocked but told him that I moved on. That was a lie. Hopefully though I've moved on by this point in my life; well, whenever I'm watching this… if I come back that is.

Anyway, back on subject. I said sometimes they come back because I got the call a few weeks ago. My dad isn't coming home. He died. I haven't told anyone yet; that would make it too real. I think a few people know. Marco probably does because he happened to come over the day we found out. Mom was crying and I was sullen. The fact that Mom wouldn't stop looking at the picture of Dad didn't help either. But I still haven't told him. Hopefully, ten years down the road, I'll have told people that my dad, my hero, died and became a real hero.

The Peace Corps told us that he died saving a little boy who was like maybe ten. I got a letter from him yesterday. It made me cry and then made me feel guilty. Before I got that letter I spent the entire time thinking how unfair it was that my dad was dead and some little kid got to live. That anyone got to live and my dad was dead. But the second I read the thank you note that little boy sent, I felt guilty. Dad would hate to know the thoughts that came in my head. He'd hate to know how I've coped with it.

I hope I'm coping better now. I hope that I don't cut over the death of my dad ten years in the future. I really hope I've told my friends by then… because how lame would it be for them to find out that the super extended tour my father was on was really a tour into whatever the afterlife may be. Mostly though, I hope that I remember everything I've been through, all the screw-ups I've done. I don't want to forget where I've been in life. So, future Ellie if you've forgotten, go read your journal. The one that I'm writing right now, every night before I go to bed.

My other hopes for where I am in ten years. I hope that I'm in a career. I'd love to be in music, not playing it but behind the scenes stuff. Or maybe in computer stuff. I know that sounds totally nerdy. Or maybe I'd want to show up at my reunion pregnant with the perfect man, if he does exist. I don't know if I want that man to be Sean or Craig, or someone I've never met. I guess what I'm saying is I want to be happy. I think I need to make an effort every day to be happy. It's just so hard sometimes.

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Ellie stood up and turned off the video camera. She wiped a tear from her face and walked out of the confessional room, taking a deep sigh of relief. She had finally got some stuff off her chest, stuff that would never be revealed for another ten years.

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A/N: Thanks to everyone who reveiwed. Maibe Josie, I got your review for this chapter and changed the fact of no break between the confession and the action before reposting. I had that in there but for some reason, it left. I apologize if that caused confusion to anyone who read it.

Next Time: Paige Michalchuk airs her dirty laundry.