Chapter Five: Alex

I'm Alex Nunez. That's really all I know anymore. My name. Pretty lame huh? That all I know right now is my name. I know other things. Like I live in Toronto and I'm a senior at Degrassi Community Schools. But the important stuff, I'm confused about.

I could elaborate. I guess that's what this thing is for. Deep feelings and all that. Why else would we get passes to go and talk to some camera just so ten years later, we can see it? They have to have a motive… like therapy for us. Get some things off our chest before we break under the pressure of graduation. So I guess I should go into some deep feelings and all that crap.

The most important thing right now is my feelings towards Paige. Yes a girl. Yes the most popular girl in school. Also known as my girlfriend. It doesn't make sense. Last year, I wasn't gay. Maybe I was. But this year, with Paige, it's all I can think about. I don't know if I'm bisexual or if I'm straight up lesbian. Maybe it's being friends with Marco that's made me actually question this. Not that I blame him. If anything I thank him. He may have given me the courage to be myself.

So this weekend is prom. I'm going. I have never been to a school dance. It wasn't Jay's thing and it isn't really mine. But it is Paige's. And it's her senior prom. I want to make it perfect. I got a dress at a second hand shop. Nothing near as pretty as what everyone else will be wearing, but it's a dress. I spent some of my hard earned money buying her a corsage… white because it'll match her dress without being cliched. A blue dress with a blue corsage. Pretty I guess. But it doesn't seem right for her. Even if her dress were pink, pink roses wouldn't be right. She needs something classic. She's classic. She's everything.

I never got into school things until last year when I ran for student council. The fact that I almost outed Marco disgusts me now. And the fact that he still named me vice-president, because he liked what I said, made me so happy. I'll admit it. It helped me a lot. It got me involved in that stupid Dracula play. It made me dump Jay after he cheated on me repeatedly. Student council changed my life… how freaking horrible is that.

Okay, so we get that I don't understand my sexuality. I also don't understand my family. My mom stays with her boyfriend even though he hits her and hits me. I can't plan for a future because honestly, I don't know when he's going to go off the deep end and kill me and my mom. That's the real reason I'm not applying to college. Its not that I don't care. I do care. I want a future… I just can't get one. It's unattainable.

But I did apply for college. My dirty little secret is that I sent in an application to the local college. Pretty lame. I'm going to stay around here if I get in. If I don't get in, whatever. I'll just don my brown theater uniform and keep on going there. I need the money. I always need the money.

So this has gone on way too long. Me talking about my feelings. It's pretty dumb and in ten years, if I come to my reunion, I'll probably laugh at these feelings. Maybe I'll still be with Paige. Maybe I'll be single. Maybe I'll be with some girl. I don't think I'm going to be with a boy. I guess I'm a lesbian. I haven't looked at a guy in forever. When Paige pointed one out at work after the whole marijuana debacle, I didn't care. Of course, maybe at the ten year reunion, I'll be dead. Killed by some abusive asshole that my mom won't dump. I don't get why she stays with him. Maybe it's the same reason I stayed with Jay. Part love, part fear of being alone.

This is too deep.

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Alex turned off the video camera and shook her head. She had spilled one fear she'd never even admitted to herself. She admitted that she was afraid she'd die at the hands of her mom's boyfriend. She felt the odd sensation of tears burning the back of her eyes and tried to will them away. Everything she'd just confessed she wished she could take back. She wished she wouldn't have made a stupid confession but it was too late. She knew that once everything was said on camera, it could never be unsaid.

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Next time: Hazel Aden comes out from behind the shadows.

A/N: Not so long of a wait this time. Thank god for boredom… Sorry if Alex's chapter sucked. Only Hazel and Craig left before the class of 2006 views their time capsule. As always, thanks for the reviews and continue to read and respond.

Responses to Reviews:

radiance x: I hope that I gave more than what's on the screen this time.