The Turkey Saga
Episode 2: Turkeys In England
By Darnoc
Well, if you bothered to read the 1st episode, you'd know all the characters. But if you're one of them pratts that skip pages to get to the part where someone dies then…oh bugger, forget that last bit. Anyway, the characters is myself, my stoner SK8R mate Raymond, A beret wearing, French speaking, living bunch of grapes called Pierre and the gun-toting raven named Johnny. Together we are The Turkey Carvers. We hunt rabid turkeys and The Turkey God. We also search for the answer to the ultimate question which is "What was the name of the bad guy in Tron?"
If you know the answer, please mail it to was the first day of Autumn (Fall to you yanks). I was enjoying the fact I sent Johnny to blow up my school. No dumb cop would suspect a 10" bird with a detonator walking away from a smoking crater. They would probably think it was Bush and that bloke that shot that lawyer, what's his face? Cheney? Well, let me get back to the story. I was in the Carver's base trying to fix the emergency alarm. I was sick of the "Totally Spies" theme tune, not that I watch that show it's just………SHUT UP! Still there were no rabid turkey attacks. Plenty of spastic chicken attacks, but that's not my problem, pal.
Pierre came back from grocery shopping. "Sacre Bleu," he complained "le grocer mistook moi for un of heez products." I gave him the suggestion of wearing a false moustache and glasses. He considered it. Raymond came back from his skateboarding. "Dude! I decapitated some dog with my deck! And it was cooool!" he laughed. Makes me glad we're part of the government. Just then Johnny came back from exploding the school. "Caww!" he squawked. Dammit, it's ticking me off not being able to understand a single goddamn word he's saying! ARRGHH! (Ahem) Anyway, I managed to change the alarm tone. It's now sounds like "Oops, I Did It Again" by Britney Spears.
Suddenly, the alarm activated. We rushed to the map to see which place was getting attacked. "Ohio" said Raymond. "No, dimwit, it's England" I told him. Let's lock and load.
I opened the garage door, waiting was a harrier jet. We called it The Flying Annihilator of Turkeys, FAT for short. Crap name? It was better than the old one, Flying Ultimate Chicken-related Killer. Yeah, FBI wasn't to hot about that acronym. I opened up the side compartments and stored Uzis, machine guns, grenades, machetes and assault rifles, Raymond put in some portable Gatling guns (which I didn't know we owned), Pierre loaded his claymore and Johnny strapped some automatic pistols to his belt. Then we headed off to England, not to be confused with Britain of the United Kingdom. We limeys hate that.
The flight sucked. No movie, no hot stewardess. Not even peanuts!
We arrived in England eventually. We decided to park on top of a tall building. Some lady wearing a crown was shouting at us "one is not amused!" I threw an egg at her and knocked her out. Who'd she think she was? The Queen of England? Ha.
London (the real London) was in a bloody mess. Turkeys were overrunning the place. I hooked up a stereo and played The Matrix theme. We also stole some stunts fro Neo and Trinity too. I lead the charge as we jumped into the fray. I fired bullets at any rabid turkey I saw. I also launched the occasional grenade too. Raymond was going fricking berserk and I made sure I wasn't in his range. Pierre was lobbing the heads off turkeys while screaming "for Louie XVI, vive la France, vive la France!" Don't know what the hell that was about. Johnny was doing back flips while shooting at turkeys; he was also doing slo-mo bullet time action. At one point I had to stop the fighting and replay The Matrix theme. Soon all foaming-at-the-mouth poultry lay shot, burnt, torn into little pieces and decapitated.
We walked around the destroyed city (sure, part of it was our fault but no need to get technical). "Bloody terrible, isn't it" sighed an English voice from behind. We turned sharply to see an old man in black. "Dude, I know this geezer," said Raymond "he was in that play called Mac…" Raymond was going to finish the sentence but the man clapped his hand around Raymond's mouth.
"Silence, we men of the theater dare not speak the true name of that Shakespearian tragedy, it brings bad luck" he said, somewhat angrily. "What dude?" said Raymond "By saying Macbeth?" And as soon as he did that a bolt of lightening struck the elderly man. "You bloody wanker! It's bad lick to call it Macbeth, also I…oh bollocks" sighed the man and after he finished his fit of rage, he was attacked by small army fish on bicycles wielding rolled up newspapers. "Pardon monsieur, but who are you?" asked Pierre. "Oh yes, of course, (ahem) I am Sir Earl McDonalds" he said. "Dudes! A real life super hero!" awed Raymond. Ian shook his head, "no, I'm a professional thespian." "Dude, you're a lesbian?" asked Raymond, whose brain cope with this. "NO YOU IGNORANT TOSSER! A THESPIAN! A BLOODY ACTOR!" screamed Sir Earl. "OKAY! WE GET IT, YOU'RE GAY! GOD!" I shouted. We were all getting miffed and POed. "Ok. Back to the plan, you need to come with me to MI6" asked Sir Earl; "Sorry dude, we don't swing that way" said Raymond curtly. Next thing I knew, there was a strange smell of chloroform hangin……….hey there little living mushroom.
I awoke several hours later feeling like I was shot repeatedly in the head by coconuts being fired out of a cannon. Raymond commented that he felt like he was a suitcase taking part in the Samsonite luggage test. Pierre said like he was being turned into wine (which is ironic really because he's a bunch of…ok, I'll shut up now). Johnny just squawked. Dammit, this is irritating me. "Had a good rest?" asked a familiar voice. It was Sir Earl. "Welcome to MI6" said an "unfamiliar" voice. I looked down and saw a peanut butter jelly sandwich. "Bloody chloroform lasts too fricking long" I mumbled. "This is PeeBeeJay," said Sir Earl "he works here at MI6." Well sure, if there was a bunch of French grapes, a flying singing banana, a barbershop trio of apples (see episode 1), and fish riding bicycles, then why can't a PB&J sandwich work as a spy. "Dude, what's the time?" asked Raymond. "I'll tell you," said PeeBeeJay "it's PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!" I tossed a knock out grenade at him before he continued. "I brought you here because The Turkey God is at Stonehenge" said Sir Earl.
"THE TURKEY GOD?" we all shouted. "Caww!" squawked Johnny. "DAMMIT JOHNNY, LEARN TO SPEAK!" I screamed at him. "Actually, we have a device that translates animal noises" Sir Earl mentioned. He came back later with a small, red, silk tie. He wrapped around Johnny and flicked a switch. "I do say, chaps, this tie is most comfortable, whatho old bean! I was flabbergasted (is this even a real word? I mean, look at it! C'mon!). "It also comes in Russian, Spanish, French and Nylon" said Sir Earl. We laughed for ages then remembered about The Turkey God.
We landed in the woods at Stonehenge. "Bloody awful flight that! No peanuts! Come off it!" complained Sir Earl. We approached the ancient alien landing site; there was a mysterious being in brown robes. He was muttering the words to Michael Jackson's Thriller. "Okay dude, quit the gay ceremony before we get medieval on yo ass" shouted Raymond. "Tee-hee, OW! Chamone, mutha fucka! Why should I?" he asked. "Monsieur merde-tête. We have le cranberry sauce!" shouted Pierre. "AHH!" The Turkey God screamed like a sissy girl. His hood fell of and revealed his face.
"Michael Jackson?" we all said at once. "Tee-hee, OW! No, I'm a clone of Michael Jackson! I am Emm-Jay, chamone mutha fucka!" said The Turkey God. "I do say chaps, our enemy is a children-loving pop star clone!" said Johnny. "What are you up to? Trying to find little boys, eh? Want a bit of bum-fun, eh?" I joked (I'm the funniest guy at school, I should do stand up). "NO! But thanks for the idea; I'm actually trying to resurrect the first British turkey! Tee-hee, OW!"
So we learnt the devious plan of the clone. He will be disappointed when he discovers turkeys don't live in the UK. Well, having enough of this fucked up day. I launched a missile at him. It was going to kill him, but one of his Vin Diesel robots got in the way. "OW! For real, chamone! I'm outta here! Billy-Jean is not my lover! Tee-hee!" he chuckled as he disappeared in a puff of feathers.
"Well, thanks to me, the UK is saved" gloated Sir Earl. "What the hell are you, talking about? I stopped Emm-Jay!" I shouted. "But I stood at the back and looked good" Sir Earl replied. Being pissed off with this day, I shot the over aged actor in the leg. Then The Turkey Carvers went home for some tea and crumpets.
END!
Next Episode: Turkeys in…Can You Guess? TURKEY!
