The Turkey Saga
Episode 3: Turkeys in…Can You Guess? Turkey!
By Darnoc
No, I'm not telling you the story so far or the characters this time. READ…THE…BLOODY…STORIES!
It was business as usual. Rabid turkeys needed killing. We almost had trouble with an army outside Colorado led by Jack Black. Who knew, huh? It was the middle of winter. I was in the base changing the alarm tone again. I was sick of Britney Spears. It now sounds like Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. Finally!
Raymond and Johnny were in the living room. Ever since Johnny got the Translator Tie from Sir Earl McDonalds, he has been reading poetry in his perfect, "Queen's English" accent. Raymond kept wiping tears from his eyes saying "beautiful dude, just…beautiful." Pierre came back and complained that yet again, the grocer mistook him for a renegade fruit product. "At leest, I got ma revengé, I cut off one of hees's fingurs!" he gloated as he held up a bleeding, severed "fingur." I kinda threw up in my mouth a little. Then the alarm went off.
The alarm now sounds like this…"I'm going off the rails on a crazy train!"
"Sacre bleu! Where are le turkeys now?" asked Pierre. "Okay dudes, I got a C- in geography, I know," said Raymond, staring at the map "they are in…………Claymationasia." "No old bean, the source of the rabid turkeys are located near Israel" said Johnny. "Ok, they're in...," I looked at the tiny print on the map "…Turkey?"
We stocked the FAT with all the weapons we could find, as well as the new weapon, the jet flamethrower. Anyone for Thanksgiving Dinner? I usually hate flying but this time, I added peanuts, an in-flight movie and a sexy stewardess.
We arrived in Ankara (capitol of Turkey for all you dead brainers) around 0800 hours (oh yeah, I'm an army linguistic too!). To blend in we wore clever disguises. No one would notice an Englishman, a stoner SK8R punk, a living bunch of French grapes and a speaking raven wearing fezzes.
There was a commotion rousing up in Market Street. We ran there wondering if it was the rabid turkeys. But it was actually a music contest. "Dude! We should enter" suggested Raymond, "oui monsieur" agreed Pierre, "sounds like a ripping good time indeed" chortled Johnny. "Fine," I sighed "but I chose the song and I get to change Johnny's voice." I picked him up and switched his tie translator from English to Australian.
We got on stage, I took bass, Raymond got the electric guitar, Pierre was the drummer and Johnny was vocals. The Turks were staring at us like they've never seen these instruments before. In fact, Raymond just got these out of no where. How the fuck did he get them? Anyhoo, we played simple go-up-and-uuuuppp, go-down-and-dooowwwwnnn chords several times and with the drum pounding in tune. Johnny, with his new Aussie accent, began to sing a song unpopular to women but gives certain men pride.
It was the classic AC/DC song of…
Big Balls
"Thank you Turkey! You've been great" Johnny announced. A stage boy handed me a note. It said the following:
Dear honorable sirs.
We regret to announce that any mention of the testicular region in this country leads to a slow, swift, painful, numb death. We shall cut off your gonads and dip you in a boiling vat of cream of mushroom soup.
Have a nice death
After reading the note, I looked at the crowd. They were brandishing knives. "Oh…Snap" I thought. "Gents…lets calmly head for the exit" I said. "Why dude, we have weapons" said Raymond.
One massacre later, we were looking around the area in search of rabid turkeys when a familiar face stepped in front of me. It was my old Turkish barber Sinan. "Long time no see mate" he said in his Turkish-English voice. "Sinan me old mucker! How've you been?" I asked shaking his hand.
"Same old stuff"
"Still avoiding the missus then?"
"Yee…yeah" he replied. We laughed for ages. "Anyway, down to business," he said, his tone getting sterner "I've got some…" "Sorry dude, I'm clean" interrupted Raymond. "Not drugs, you twat. I've got some info that The Turkey God is in the Caves of Turkey" said Sinan. "Crikey! Throw some shrimp on the barbie! Tie me kangaroo down, sport!" shouted Johnny. "Err…yeah…ummm, is that bird ok?" asked Sinan. "No, he was dropped on the head as a chick" I sadly reported. "To le Turkey Cave!" shouted Pierre.
Insert Batman cut scene tune here
Upon entering the cave, we were ambushed by rabid turkeys and a Turkey Kong©. Raymond with the shotgun, Sinan with golden auto-pistols and I with the flamethrower made mince meat out of them darn white meat birds. Pierre and Johnny double-teamed the Turkey Kong© like they did in the first story. We pressed on. My flamethrower was out of flammable liquid. I switched to my secret weapon. A turkey baster.
The cave was dark. If wasn't for the light bulbs I wouldn't be able to see where I was going. We all got hungry, so we went to the McDonalds right next to us. Raymond complained he didn't get the Happy Meal toy he wanted. Twat head.
We soon reached a black room with a white door. Next to the door someone scraped WTF and an arrow pointing to the door. In front of the door was Emm-Jay, the clone of Michael Jackson and The Turkey God. "The game is up Wacko Jacko2" Sinan yelled. "Tee-hee, OW! Yo too late, for I will open up the source of all white meated birds. Kingdom Poultry, chamone!" he screamed.
We all charged at him but a Vin Diesel robot with 2 keyblades lunged at us. I dodged the tackle. "Dude, stop pedo-clone, we'll take care of Triple X here" said Raymond. "Good luck" I said. "C'mon Pacifier! Or ain't you the Riddick I thought you were!" Raymond taunted the robot. I tried to hit Emm-Jay but a force field protected him.
"Kingdom Poultry! Fill me with the power of turkeys!" demanded Emm-Jay. The doors opened and turkey feathers flew out. "You're wrong! I know now, without a doubt that Kingdom Poultry isn't turkeys, it's…………CHICKENS!" I shouted. Instead of turkey feathers flying out, flocks of chickens and roosters flew out and pecked every rabid turkey, Turkey Kong© and even The Turkey God to Death. The Vin Diesel robot self destructed and all was normal in the world. Our journey was over. Even though there were large amount of hyper emus running free, that's not my problem. My Turkey Carving days are over. But dammit, I still don't know the name of the bad guy in Tron!
The End.
Hoped you enjoyed this trilogy of insanity, please don't tell your friends.
Signed Darnoc
