Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. Cyrano de Bergerac belonged to Edmond Rostand. My apologies to both.
"Oi, Pete!" Sirius bellowed over the chatter of the dozens of sugared-up children and several noisy groups of teenagers currently patronizing Pettigrew's Pleasures Sweets and Snacks. He opened and closed the shop door a few times to ring the bell, for good measure.
"Sirius!" Peter called out, waving over the tops of the teenagers' heads. "I'll be with you as soon as I can! Bit of a crush right now!"
The shop really was a zoo. Sirius wondered if he and his cousin would be able to hear themselves think, let alone have a chat. Ah well. They could go somewhere else, if need be; if Peter was this busy, he wouldn't mind losing their little bit of custom.
Where to wait for Tonks, then? Sirius sauntered over to one of the small tables near the shop's windows and drew himself up to his full height from his customary insouciant slouch. "You!" he ordered the young couple who were occupying it, "out of my table!"
They fled immediately, and Sirius grinned as he sat down. The side benefits of all the tattoos and the leather jacket included the ability to intimidate. It came in handy when interrogating suspects, but also in more mundane situations.
After a few minutes the worst pack of teenagers and most of the kids had left, and Peter had a free moment to greet Sirius.
"Hey there, Sirius! I heard about your duel with Snivellus from James. I wish I could've seen it; it sounds like you really showed him!"
"Oh, you didn't miss much, Pete. It wasn't even my best duel of the day!"
"Really? Who else did you duel?"
"I'll tell you all about it later. Right now, I'm waiting for my cousin Tonks to show up so she can quiz me on the glamorous life of an Auror."
"Oh! Well, if you're expecting someone, I'll just get back to stocking the shelves. Can I get you anything?"
"Maybe just a pumpkin juice, and a spare bit of parchment and quill? I hate to waste time just sitting, when I could be plotting my next brilliant prank."
"No problem. I'll leave the genius to work."
Peter hurried off, returning promptly with the requested beverage and writing supplies. Sirius caught him singing, under his breath, a song whose refrain featured "ludicrous Ludo".
Sirius stared at the blank parchment for some moments, wondering what his next great exploit should be. The Quidditch forfeit would be hard to top. Maybe something at work? But he had already charmed all the faucets in the Ministry lavatories to spout water that turned your hands blue earlier this week, not to mention the slow Shrinking Charm he had put on the towels in the Aurors' showers.
He couldn't concentrate. "Hey, Peter, could you switch off the Quidditch game? It's distracting."
Peter made to protest. "But it's Bats vs. Kestrels-"
"Genius at work here, remember?"
He grumbled a little, but he gave in. Switching the wireless to another station, which was playing a nice, soothing instrumental number, he asked, "That suit you?"
"Much better, thanks, Pete."
As Sirius gazed again at the blank parchment, it suddenly hit him. It wasn't a prank he should be planning next; it was something much, much bigger than that. Grinning, he took up the quill and wrote, "A Brilliant Plan to Make Remus Lupin Fall in Love with Me" at the top of the sheet with a flourish.
He was on step 35, 'Begin dropping hints that tweed looks much sexier on the floor than on him, even', when the shop bell rang again and Tonks stumbled in.
"Wotcher, Sirius!" Tonks greeted him.
"Tabula rasa," Sirius muttered, tapping the parchment containing his list, which obediently went blank. "Hey there, Tonks. C'mon over and sit down." He gestured towards the seat across from him at the table. "Hey, Pete, another pumpkin juice over here when you get a chance?"
"Sure thing, Sirius." Peter replied.
"So, how's my favorite cousin these days?" Tonks asked after she had gotten herself settled.
"Oh, you know me. I never change. Get up late, go to work, track down miscreants and scofflaws with much flair and derring-do, out to the pub, home again as late as possible. It's you I want to hear about. What have you been up to since you finished school?"
Peter returned with the pumpkin juice. "Thanks, Peter. Other than put up with Malfoy and Snape? To be honest, I'm not so sure. Finding myself, or some such thing. Mum keeps hinting that I should travel, but I can't think where I'd go, so I just keep picking up shifts at Quality Quidditch Supplies and trying to enjoy my last year of freedom."
"So you're still thinking of Auror training?"
"Yup. I'm still planning to apply with the next batch of N.E.W.T. students. And I'm still worried about stealth."
"And you wanted to ask your favorite cousin, the closest thing you've got to a big brother, for some tips, right? Hoping to get on the inside track?"
"Well, not exactly. I mean, yeah, advice would be great, but that's not quite why I wanted to talk to you."
"Then why? You said it had something to do with the Aurors."
"Before I say anything, Sirius, you have to promise you won't tease me, or him, or go all 'closest thing to a big brother' on me and drive him away."
"Oh, so ickle Nymphadora fancies some big strong Auror, is that it?"
He should have known better than to tease her like that, he thought. He had barely finished the sentence before she had hit him with a Tongue-Tie jinx.
"What was that?"
He painfully mouthed an approximation of 'I'm sorry, Tonks' around the large bow his tongue had tied itself into. As soon as she'd performed the counter-jinx, he added, "How did I forget how quick you are with a wand?"
"Well, it has been a while since you slipped up and called me Nymphadora. And I've been on edge about it for weeks because Malfoy and Snape will insist on using it, and I can't very well jinx them, so…"
"Well, I'm sorry. Won't happen again, and I promise not to tease or drive anyone away. But you do fancy one of my fellow Aurors, eh? I can't blame you. Some of them are very fanciable."
"Actually, it's more he fancies me, and I was hoping you'd introduce us, y'know."
"Introduce you? How d'you know he fancies you if you haven't even met?"
"I've seen him at Quidditch games. He hardly takes his eyes off me. It's like he's studying me, as if I'm a really fascinating book, or something." Tonks blushed, apparently embarrassed at her flight of fancy, but Sirius hardly noticed. As if I'm a really fascinating book… That was exactly how he had felt, the few times Remus Lupin had given him more than a cursory glance when their paths crossed at work. A worrisome idea began to form in his mind.
"So he turns his golden eyes on you and you go weak at the knees?" Please let it be someone else, please let her say 'What do you mean, golden?'
"Dunno what color his eyes are; I've never seen him close enough to tell. But his name's Remus Lupin."
Dammit. Dammit. It was Lupin. So much for brilliant plans to make him fall in love with Sirius; he was already in love with Sirius's cousin.
"What, is there something wrong with him? Sirius?" Tonks waved a hand in front of his face and he broke out of his reverie.
"Sorry, what?"
"You went all pale on me of a sudden. What, does Lupin have some sort of dark secret I should know about?"
"No! No, not at all. Nothing wrong with him at all, in fact. You, my cousin, have excellent taste in men. Must run in the family." He attempted a smirk at that. If there was one thing growing up in Grimmauld Place had taught him, it was that you couldn't let anyone see how you really felt.
"You had me worried there. He looks so unassuming, at least from a distance; it's always the quiet ones who're trouble. So you'll introduce us? Talk to him at work, maybe bring him round the pub tomorrow night?"
"Of course," Sirius replied automatically. "What else are almost big brothers for?"
"Thanks, Sirius, you're the best. Oh dear, I'm late for my shift at Quality Quidditch! Gotta run!" And with that, she was out of her seat, putting her coat back on. Halfway out the door, she turned back around and said, "Tomorrow evening at the Leaky Cauldron, right? You'll make sure he's there?"
"Sure," Sirius replied. His eyes followed her through the window as she made her way down the street, past the pack of noisy teenagers, who were now outside Zonko's, and a broken red umbrella lying in the gutter.
Bloody hell. Lupin was straight. Lupin was straight and fancied his baby cousin. Sirius stood up mechanically and began putting on his jacket. He needed to get out of Pete's and go somewhere else. He was no longer in the mood for pumpkin juice; he needed Firewhiskey.
As soon as Sirius walked in the door of the Leaky Cauldron, he wished he hadn't. Unfortunately, it was too late. Before he could turn around and walk right back out, they spotted him.
Couldn't a bloke just drown his sorrows in Firewhiskey in peace? Why did James and half the other Aurors in his unit have to be here, of all places, grinning and shouting at him and waving him over to their table?
"Sirius, get over here!" James called out.
"Black! We're just celebrating on your behalf!" added Shacklebolt.
Someone clapped Sirius on the back so hard his eyes watered. "Aye, lad, it seems you're the hero of the day."
Moody was here? Moody never came to the pub.
"Hear you outdid yourself last night, defending the Prewetts. We might make a decent Auror of you yet, Black."
From Moody, that was high praise. Sirius struggled to respond. "Er, thanks, sir. It wasn't anything, really."
Moody squinted at him. "Sirius Black, modest? What's gotten into you, lad? You are Sirius Black, aren't you?"
Luckily, it seemed Moody was in a good mood, as he showed no real inclination to drag Sirius back to the Ministry and grill him for proof of his identity.
"Sorry, sir. Just need a drink, I think." Moody humphed, and Sirius turned and headed for the bar.
"Firewhiskey, Tom. The whole bottle, if you will." Sirius turned his head to find James beside him at the bar. He should've known. He could fool the rest of them, but not James.
"The whole bottle, eh? What the hell happened? When I left you last night after the scuffle, you were on top of the world."
"I don't want to talk about it. At least, not right now."
"No, right now you just want to drink yourself stupid, eh?" Sirius glared at him. "All right, all right."
"I will tell you. Just not right now."
But James's attention had been captured by something else. "You might want to hold off on that 'drink yourself stupid' plan for the moment, mate, because trouble just walked into the Leaky Cauldron."
Sirius turned towards the door. "What the bloody hell is he doing here?"
"Not exactly his kind of place, is it? Better get out your finest single-malt, Tom. Lucius Malfoy just walked in the door."
Sirius and James both turned back to the bar and acted busy, waiting for Sirius's Firewhiskey, but it seemed they weren't going to be so lucky as to escape Malfoy's attention; he headed straight toward them as soon as he spotted them.
"Good afternoon, Sirius."
That caught Sirius off-guard. Malfoy hadn't called him by his first name since Sirius had been Sorted into Gryffindor. "Lucius," he replied carefully. "What brings you to this fine establishment?"
"You, I must admit." Malfoy's tone was polite, but he looked uncomfortable; clearly, he was hating every moment of this. "Word has reached the Minister of your…exploit…last night, and he feels you are to be congratulated."
"Well, that's ruddy generous of him," Sirius replied, enjoying the way Malfoy tried to hide his anger at Sirius's casual tone, heartache momentarily forgotten. "Gonna offer me an Order of Merlin for it?"
"Not quite up to those standards, no," Malfoy continued, still with his façade of politesse. "But he did suggest you are somewhat…underused in the Ministry as a patrol Auror. He was wondering if you might be interested in coming to work in my department?"
Sirius took a moment just to savor how irritated Malfoy must have been just to have to make him that offer. And then he took another moment to imagine how angry he was going to be when Sirius gave him his reply. There was nothing quite like taking a bad mood out on someone else, especially when that someone deserved it. He felt better already.
"What, the Department of Pure-blood Snobbery, Bribery and Bugg-"
"Yes, well, you'd know all about that last one, wouldn't you, Black?" Malfoy dropped the pretense of civility. "I take it you are, unsurprisingly, uninterested?"
"Uninterested in becoming a sycophantic petty bureaucrat? You got it. I'm happy where I am, in the only department of the damned Ministry that does shite."
"You'd do well to remember that Fudge is your boss, Black, before you speak so rashly."
"Well then, I take it back. The only department, aside from Misuse of Muggle Artifacts, that does shite. I have to give Arthur Weasley the credit he's due."
Malfoy bared his teeth. "Very well. You have made your answer very clear, if extraordinarily crudely. But I warn you, Black. Despite your status as a blood traitor, I had been inclined to let you be, for your name and for Narcissa's sake. From now on, I shall not be so kind."
Before Sirius could formulate a properly flippant reply, Malfoy had spun on his heel and, parting the crowd with his snake-headed cane, was gone.
When Malfoy was safely out the door, Sirius turned around to find James regarding him earnestly.
"What?"
"Now that you've taken your bad mood out on Malfoy – not the smartest thing you've ever done, by the way-"
"So what should I have done? Accepted Fudge's job offer, sat around the Ministry with my thumb up my arse all day?"
"No, no, no, I'm not saying that- it's just, opportunities for promotion don't come around everyday. I mean, old Moody's never gonna retire, or get himself killed, for that matter, so it's not like either of us is in the running for that job…"
"Oh, I know what this is about. Lily been worrying again? Well, a wife and a kid are two things I'm never going to have, so I can afford to please myself."
"Sure, please yourself, but you didn't have to piss all over Malfoy just to turn the job down, you know. He's dangerous!"
"So am I."
"All I'm saying is be careful. Someday you'll hack off the wrong person, Sirius."
"Yeah, whatever, I'll be careful, mum."
James rolled his eyes at that, but hadn't been distracted from his original objective. "Anyway, are you ready now to tell me what's wrong?"
Sirius shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. Where was Tom with that Firewhiskey, anyway? "Just something Tonks said. It's not a big deal."
"Tonks upset you? That's a new one. Usually you two get on like a house on fire."
"Yeah, well, I'm not mad at her or anything, so don't worry. In fact, I'm meeting her again here tomorrow night. Like I said, it's nothing."
"Why's she want to see you again so soon?"
"She wants me to introduce her to someone, all right? Now dammit, James can we just drop the subject?"
But James wasn't Sirius's best mate for nothing. Understanding dawned on his face, and he said, "'Someone' is Lupin, isn't it? You both fancy the same bloke, don't you? That's lousy."
"Tell me about it," Sirius mumbled to the bar, which was the closest he'd come to admitting James was right.
After a few moments of awkward silence, James clapped him on the back. "Well, here's Tom with the Firewhiskey, and there's a whole table of Aurors back there who want to hear your version of last night's events, my friend, so can you do that?"
Sirius straightened up. "Of course. Sirius Black is always ready to impress an audience."
"No more bad mood?"
"I'll do my best. I do feel much better after telling Malfoy off, y'know." Sirius grabbed the bottle of Firewhiskey. "C'mon, let's go celebrate!"
Remus Lupin's first day as an official, fully-qualified Auror of the British Ministry of Magic wasn't going the way he had imagined it.
He had shown up for training as usual, only to be told that the department was satisfied with his abilities and had decided to qualify him early. This wasn't a surprise; he had already held the equivalent position in the French Ministry for a full year, so the training had always been more or less a formality.
He had been assigned to Alastor Moody's unit, which wasn't a complete surprise, but wasn't necessarily good news, either. Oh, Moody's unit was widely agreed to be the best in the department, so he supposed it was an honor of sorts, but it was also made up almost exclusively of former Gryffindors, a status Remus had no claim to, since he hadn't even been to Hogwarts. Moody's Aurors, he had heard, loved to tease outsiders from the other houses who were assigned to the unit, often to the point of forcing transfers. He didn't know how they'd react to a complete outsider like himself. He had met James Potter already, at least, and he had seemed friendly, but that was before Remus had been assigned to the unit.
So he had made his way to Moody's office, nerves on edge about how he would be accepted, only to discover that the whole unit, on and off-duty, had popped off to the pub! Now he knew he wasn't going to fit in, even if he didn't face taunts about his background. Remus couldn't even remember the last time he had skived off anything.
So now, instead of finding himself out in the field, arresting law-breakers, he was in the Leaky Cauldron, making his way toward the noisiest table in the establishment, where he was reasonably certain he'd find his new colleagues.
Sure enough, he walked right into the back of Kingsley Shacklebolt. "Oh, hullo," he said, awkwardly.
"Lupin! Finally judged you ready for duty, I see. Been assigned to this madhouse, have you?" He grinned sympathetically.
"Any advice for dealing with the chaos?"
"Well, you know Moody from the training. He's not hard to get along with; just do your best and practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE, and he'll put up with you. But if you want to avoid trouble, my advice is to befriend it: Sirius Black. If he likes you, you're in."
"And what's the best way to get Sirius Black to like you?" he wondered aloud.
"I can only tell you what not to do."
"And what's that?"
"He'll make cracks about it himself, but don't let that fool you. Never tease him about being-" here Kingsley made a gesture, bending his hand at an angle- "In fact, to be safe, don't even mention it."
"Really? He's-" Remus made the hand gesture.
"Don't let him see you!" Remus hastily dropped his hand. "But yeah, yeah, he sure is."
"Oh." Well, that saved him some awkward feeling around about how such matters stood here in wizarding Britain. If he was serious about trying for Nymphadora Tonks, though, it would hardly matter that sometimes, the object of his affections was decidedly less feminine.
How to make a good impression on Black? From what he'd seen and heard of man, he despised kiss-arses, so perhaps a more…counterintuitive approach was required.
Sirius Black, meanwhile, had been caught up in the crush of his fellow Aurors on his way back to the table, and then was so busy downing celebratory shots of Firewhiskey and fending off the clamor of his friends for the full story on his daring rescue of the Prewetts, that he didn't even notice the appearance of a person he both did and didn't want to see.
Finally he decided he had kept them all in suspense long enough. "So you lot want to hear the story of how I dueled twelve Dark wizards at once and saved the Prewetts' arses?" he hollered over the noise of the pub.
"Yes!" came the answering shouts.
"Well then, shut it and listen!" The Aurors clustered around the table obediently fell silent.
Sirius took another swallow of Firewhiskey, then began. "Well, I was at the Quidditch game, just minding my own business-" guffaws at that- "when my good friends Fabian and Gideon came to me for help. It seems somebody out there-" he coughed something that sounded suspiciously like 'Lucius Malfoy'- "was upset by their arrest of Bellatrix Lestrange, and had laid a foul trap for them. A dozen Dark wizards were lying in wait for them between this very pub and their flat, planning on catching them drunk and unawares!"
"It takes more than an amateurish trap like that, though, to snare Gryffindors! Forewarned by a note left with old Tom, the brothers knew just what to do: come get yours truly, the finest Auror they know."
"Immediately I Apparated to the pub, and once Fabian and Gideon, and Potter here, saw fit to join me, I instructed them to lead the way and spring the trap, while I followed behind, face covered so I couldn't be recognized, wand at the ready."
Sirius paused here for more Firewhiskey, only to find himself interrupted. "What, were you disguised as an arse burglar?"
Sirius nearly spit out the Firewhiskey. "Who said that?"
The crowd of Aurors, murmuring, parted to reveal Lupin, sipping a Butterbeer and looking as calm and collected as ever. It wasn't enough that the man fancied Sirius's cousin, oh no; he had to imagine himself some sort of witty gay-basher, as well. Perhaps Sirius was well clear of him, after all. He made to get up from the table, but realized he had promised Tonks to be nice to Lupin; beating the shite out of him certainly wouldn't qualify, even if he had good reason. He decided to ignore the interruption.
"The Prewetts passed a dark alley; the Dark wizards attacked. Immediately I began firing off Body-Binds; six Dark wizards down, six to go. I trapped three with a Retiarius jinx, then turned my attention to picking off the last three one by one."
"The first one cast a Stunner, but I dodged it easily, and fired back with a Jelly-Legs Jinx that put him out of commission. The next one I easily blinded-"
"Let me guess, you lifted his shirt over his head?"
Persistent bugger, that Lupin. This one almost made Sirius laugh, though. Pretty clever, actually.
"-with an Ombrosus, then another Body-Bind. The last one was a bit cleverer; he tried to hide in the edges of the cloud cast by the Ombrosus, so I couldn't see him, but I had his game figured. I snuck up behind him and-"
"Stuck your wand right up his arse?" Lupin asked, arching one eyebrow questioningly.
All right, that was it. Whatever Lupin was playing at, he clearly was playing, sitting there all perfectly composed, sipping at his Butterbeer. If he wanted Sirius's attention, he had it.
"If you prats will excuse me," Sirius said, "I believe Lupin and I need to talk. In private."
Remus cautiously followed Black through the pub towards the back and the alley that was the concealed entrance to Diagon Alley. If Black was going to punch him, he had rather expected him to do it right there and then, in front of the others, so this detour was a bit mysterious.
They entered the cramped space and Black carefully shut the door to the Leaky Cauldron behind them before turning to face Remus. For a moment he just stared, and Remus was about to stammer out an apology, some sort of explanation, when Black suddenly spat on his right palm, then extended the hand.
"Friends?" he asked.
Remus just stared at him, flabbergasted. This calm, heck, friendly, reaction was not at all what he had anticipated.
Black made to pull back his hand. "Sorry. I suppose they don't do that spit thing at Beauxbatons."
Before he could retract his hand entirely, Remus grasped it and shook it. "No, no. We did that too. It's just- well, I was expecting you to thrash me, not befriend me."
Black laughed. "Who wouldn't want to be friends with a bloke who had the stones to do what you just did? Deliberately baiting me in front of the whole unit!"
Remus winced. "Sorry about that, I just wanted to try and fit in, and they said I should get on your good side, and I know you hate kiss-arses, so…. It was-"
"Crazy like only a Gryffindor could be, is what it was! Who cares if you didn't go to Hogwarts? There's only one answer the Sorting Hat could've given you, Lupin. So relax. Your plan to impress me by hacking me off worked. Besides, we have more important things to discuss."
"Like what?"
"Like a certain Nymphadora Tonks."
Remus once again found himself surprised by the turn conversation had taken. "Tonks? You know her?"
"Yes, indeed. The young lady in question happens to be my favorite cousin. Now I understand that you've shown some interest, from afar, in dear Tonks, and I also happen to know that she would like to you to show that interest a bit closer up, as it were."
"Really?" Remus asked. He took this opportunity, with an audience that apparently knew Tonks well, to voice his doubts. "Why? I mean…I'm boring. I dress conservatively and I stay at home most nights and read and I'm just not cool enough for someone like her."
Black seemed a bit taken aback by the outburst, but then softened. "Is that really what you think matters? How 'cool' you are? Well, I can't speak for Tonks, but I happen to think that what you just did in there was pretty cool, in its way. You cracked some pretty witty jokes at my expense." Seeing Remus still looked doubtful, he continued. "And who's to say my cousin wants someone 'cool', anyway? Maybe she'd appreciate someone deeper, someone who sees beyond the pink hair and is interested in her as a person? You could be that man, my friend."
"I suppose…"
"I don't just suppose, I know. And you'll have my help, too. I've known Tonks since she was a kid, so I can tell you all about her. Even beyond that- I happen to have, in my pocket at this very moment, a genuine Sirius Black plan to make someone fall in love." He pulled out a piece of apparently blank parchment. "Just a few quick charms, and it'll fit you and my cousin to a 'T'!" Tapping the parchment with his wand, he muttered, "Tabula Scriptulosa" and then "Diversis Generis" before handing it to Remus.
"'A Brilliant Plan to Make Nymphadora Tonks Fall in Love with Remus Lupin'," Remus read. "How'd you do that? Make it correspond to me, I mean? I never learnt any charms like that at Beauxbatons."
"They weren't anywhere on the Hogwarts curriculum, either, but some friends and I did a little independent study in magical map-making. I picked up all kinds of things to do with parchment and ink then."
"'Number One: Shave off your moustache. If you simply must have facial hair, replace with edgier, younger-looking goatee.' Do I have to? I rather like my moustache."
"Trust me, Lupin. Consider it spring cleaning, just for your face."
