Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. Cyrano de Bergerac belonged to Edmond Rostand. My apologies to both.


When Sirius stopped by Tonks' flat to see if she was coming out to the pub that night, he was surprised to find that Peter was already there.

"Peter! What brings you to visit my lovely cousin?"

"I just had another shopgirl quit, and I was hoping to lure Tonks here away from Quality Quidditch, but despite all my best efforts, including the offer of a higher wage, she's turned me down."

"Sorry, Pete. I do have a few friends who might be interested, though," Tonks said. "Let me ask around."

"Thanks, Tonks." Peter got up from the chair he'd been seated in and grabbed his umbrella. "Sorry, I'd love to chat more, but I'd better be getting back to the shop. I left James behind the counter and he'll have given free sweets to every fit girl who came in while I was gone."

"I'll stop by the shop soon, all right? We haven't talked in weeks," Sirius said.

"And I'll send some friends your way, okay? As soon as I can, so you can get away from that shop and come out with us to the pub once in a while."

"I'm looking forward to it already," Peter replied.

When Peter was gone, Tonks turned to Sirius. "So what brings you here, anyway?"

"Just popped in to see if you'll be at the pub tonight."

"Of course! I'm looking forward to it."

"So you aren't sick of Lupin yet?" Sirius teased, wishing the answer to the question wasn't so important to him.

"I'm not sure I could ever get sick of Remus," Tonks replied dreamily, and Sirius tried to conceal the twinge he felt at that. He couldn't help but agree, though.

"He's just so fascinating," Tonks continued. "I mean, it's not every day you meet a man who knows Sanskrit and saw the Hobgoblins live at Queerditch Marsh."

"True," Sirius allowed. In fact, Tonks hadn't met one yet; Remus knew Sanskrit, that was true, but Sirius was the one who had been at the concert. Sirius had shared the memory with him when Remus was worried that he couldn't impress Tonks with his taste in music. In the end, Remus had agreed that the show was 'pretty darn amazing', so Sirius didn't think it was a malicious lie; Remus did have good taste in music, now, thanks to him.

"And he's turned me on to some cool Muggle authors, too." That one was all Remus; when he had run a list by Sirius, he hadn't recognized a single name. Like Tonks, he was know reading a few things from the list, and had to admit he was impressed by the variety of Remus's interests.

"For two people who met because the eye-catching hair of one led the other to stare at her at Quidditch matches, you two seem to have an awful lot in common."

"It's almost scary, isn't it? In fact, I suspect someone of giving Remus some tips on me."

"Only a few," Sirius protested. And really, other than general advice and one Pensieve memory, there had only been the (ironically altered) plan; and that had really only made a few common-sense suggestions. Remus probably would've thought of most of them on his own, given enough time. Like the moustache; he really did look younger (and handsomer) without it, and Sirius had accompanied him to the barber's where he'd also gotten a more flattering haircut, on Sirius's advice. And the new Muggle clothes; he had even asked Sirius to come along and help pick them out, which had been an enjoyable, if in some ways frustrating, afternoon.

"Why don't you come out with us tonight? You never seem to be at the Cauldron anymore when I stop in, and I'd like to see you. Bring James along, and I promise Remus and I won't ignore you to make goo-goo eyes at each other, or anything sickening like that. C'mon, it'll be fun!"

Sirius had been dodging just such an invitation for weeks; thus his convenient absence from The Leaky Cauldron. Before he could formulate a good excuse, there was a loud 'crack' and Peter appeared.

"Back so soon?" Tonks asked.

"Sorry, but I was walking back to the shop, as it isn't far, and I almost ran right into Lucius Malfoy on his way here! I know he'd as soon Avada Kedavra Sirius as look at him, at the moment, so I thought I'd come back and warn you."

"Thanks, Peter," Sirius said. "Tonks, I'll just be off, then, but I'll come back and check on you once Malfoy's gone, all right? I know, I know: you can take care of yourself, but Malfoy's dangerous and he knows we're cousins; he might've given up on wooing you and decided you'd better serve as a way to hurt me."

"If you insist on being overprotective, O closest thing I have to a big brother, I suppose I'll humor you."

"Fine. I'll be watching your building for Malfoy leaving, and I'll see you again momentarily."

Once Peter and Sirius had Disapparated, Tonks Banished Peter's mug of tea to the kitchen, feeling pleased with herself for remembering the detail, and then sat down at the table and pretended to work on the crossword.

Malfoy knocked only a minute or so later. Tonks didn't change her physical appearance one bit, but she did mentally don her 'dumb' face as she opened the door.

"Mr. Malfoy, what a pleasant surprise," she simpered as she let him in. "What brings you by my little flat? It's a long way from Malfoy Manor." She fluttered her eyelashes, just a little.

"I do wish you would take me up on my offer and call me Lucius, Nymphadora. We are friends, after all."

"Oh, I just couldn't! Me, on first name terms with a powerful man like you? And you're so much older than me, too. I just wouldn't feel right." She settled herself back down at the table with the crossword. He hated it when she didn't give him her full attention.

Malfoy didn't press the issue, but continued on. "Severus and I were wondering if you were free to accompany us to the opera this evening. A wonderful production of Wagner, Das Rheingold. Wizarding, of course, as befits the composer himself."

"Oh, it sounds terribly fascinating, but I'm afraid I've already made other plans. Maybe next week?" she answered brightly. The key to handling Malfoy, she had found, was to never act as if she understood the seriousness of any situation. She could thwart him in any number of ways, as long as he thought she was too dumb to be doing it purposefully.

"You've had prior engagements so often lately, Nymphadora. I do hope you've not found someone new? Severus will be terribly upset to hear it." The tone was courteous, but she heard the danger underneath.

"I would never toy with Severus like that. No, no, it's just a sick relative, elderly, who appreciates my company. Speaking of relatives, how is my dear aunt Narcissa?" Not that Tonks actually gave two shakes about her mother's sister, or Narcissa about her, but the mention of his wife never failed to discompose Malfoy.

"How selfless of you to volunteer your time. Narcissa is quite well, of course. I'm sure she'll be delighted that you asked after her." Tonks was sure Narcissa would not be delighted at all, as she would have preferred to pretend her sister's half-breed brat didn't exist even before her husband began planning an affair with her.

"Speaking further of relatives, how friendly are you and your cousin Sirius Black?" That caught her off guard, but she recovered quickly.

"Sirius? Oh, he used to come by the house quite a bit when I was younger, but until the Quidditch match a month ago I hadn't seen him in ages, and I haven't seen him since. We don't have much in common, I suppose."

"Really? I should think you would, as he is, after all, an Auror, a career I am afraid I still have not managed to dissuade you from. So unsuitable for a young lady of your…talents."

"Oh, let's not have that argument again now! I'm just stubborn, I'm afraid. You'll never change my mind."

"Well, it eases my mind to know you and Black aren't close. I hope you won't miss him terribly during his extended absence."

"Absence?"

"Oh yes. The Minister just decided to send his Auror unit to Romania for a six-month stake-out of a suspected Dark training camp."

"Remus!"

"What was that, Nymphadora?"

"Er, Remus was Romulus's brother, right? It's for my crossword."

"Yes. As I was saying, Black will soon be cooling his heels in the back woods of Eastern Europe."

She couldn't let him (and it was him behind this, she was sure) send Remus to Romania for six months! That was a whole half a year! She had to convince him to change his mind. If he was doing this to hurt Sirius…

"Oh, he'll love that!"

"Pardon me?"

"Cousin Sirius. He'll love that. He's always been fascinated by Eastern European wizardry. I remember, when he was at Hogwarts, he always used to mention History of Magic in his owls to us, and all the great wizards who'd come from there. He'll be so glad of an opportunity to see it with his own eyes."

"You can't be serious. I mean, I thought you said you didn't know Black well?"

"It was his childhood dream. I knew him better then, and I'm sure it hasn't changed."

Malfoy appeared to consider this new information. "Hmm. Well, it wouldn't do to have Black distracted by the sights like a tourist. It could jeopardize the whole operation," he rationalized. "I'll have to suggest sending another unit to the Minister."

Tonks managed not to sigh in relief at that. "Well, I'm sure you'll want to go straight to the Ministry and tell him that, then," she said, standing. "Thank you again for the invitation to the Vog-whatsit."

"Wagner. But the Minister could wait, Nymphadora, if you wanted, perhaps, to offer me a cup of tea…"

"I'm afraid I'm fresh out of tea. Of everything, really. Been having my meals with the sick relative, you know. And she is expecting me any minute, so…"

"I shan't keep you any longer, then. But you will save an evening for Severus and me next week?"

"Yes, of course, Lucius," she offered. Anything to get him out the door.

He looked greasily content at the use of his first name. "Dora – if I may call you that?"

No, he bloody well couldn't, only her mother called her Dora, but she smiled encouragingly at him all the same. "My great-aunt'll be wondering where I am if I don't Floo over soon…"

"So eager to do your familial duty. Well then, I shall say goodbye- until next week." And with that, he finally left, closing the door behind him.

When Sirius Apparated into the flat a minute or so after Malfoy left, Tonks decided not to tell him that much of her and Malfoy's conversation had been about him. Sirius took being an Auror very seriously; he didn't have any of the silly motives she'd told Malfoy for wanting to go to Romania, but he'd have wanted to go all the same, because it was an exciting, and dangerous, assignment. What he didn't know, he couldn't get mad about, and she had only done it to keep Remus and him safe, anyway.

"Well?" he asked impatiently.

"He wanted to know if I was free to go to the opera this evening."

"Let me guess, Wagner?"

"Of course. Only proper pure-blood wizarding opera for the Malfoys."

"What did you tell him?"

"That I'm taking care of a sick great-aunt. But he's getting suspicious; he asked if I was seeing someone."

"He's going to find out eventually, you know."

"Yeah, well, hopefully not until Remus and I are already married, or something," Tonks joked, but was surprised to see Sirius flinch a little. "What, you don't want me getting married? That's carrying the over-protective big brother thing to a bit of an extreme, don't you think?"

"Yeah, well, I can't help it," Sirius replied. "I mean look at you, so helpless and feminine, and Lupin, bad boy that he is, is clearly taking advantage of you."

"Helpless and feminine, eh? Do you want to be hexed, cousin of mine?"

"Sorry, sorry, I take it back. You are neither helpless nor particularly feminine." He grinned cheekily.

"Not any better," Tonks grumbled, but she didn't hex him.

"Well, as you seem to have life and limb intact, I'll be going, then."

"Don't forget you're meeting Remus and I at the Three Broomsticks tonight, and to bring James if he's free."

"The Three Broomsticks? What, no Cauldron tonight?"

"Nope. It should be a bit quieter in Hogsmeade, don't you think? Remus has been trying so hard to fit in with my crowd and impress me, and I'm hoping in a less rowdy place he'll be more himself. I'd like to see the more thoughtful side of him."

"Well, if you want a quiet atmosphere, are you sure you want to invite me and James along?"

"Of course I want to see you and James too, you twit. Now didn't you say you were going?"

"Okay, okay. Unlike Malfoy, I can take a hint. I'll see you tonight, at Rosmerta's."

Sirius appeared outside Remus's flat with a loud 'crack'. They had gotten into the habit of meeting before Remus's and Tonks's pub nights, so Sirius could share a few last-minute tips and make sure Remus had dressed appropriately in his new Muggle clothing, some of which he was still unsure about.

He knocked, and heard a muffled 'be right there!' before the door opened to reveal Remus, who was wearing Sirius's favorite of all the new shirts they'd picked out for him. It was a shade of green which made his warm golden eyes seem to glow even more. It looked like he'd got a haircut, too, and he was wearing cologne.

"Remus! You look good," Sirius said, stepping into the flat. Good enough to eat with a spoon, he thought, once again cursing the whole affair. It was torture: wanting to help his cousin, being jealous of his cousin; wanting to be near Remus, wanting to forget about Remus and move on. "Something special about tonight?"

"Yes. I mean, I hope so. It's been a month, and I don't think that's too soon- or maybe it's not soon enough? Did she expect me to make a move before now? But she did ask me to The Three Broomsticks tonight, and that's quieter, more romantic; I thought she was sending me a sign, there, but Merlin knows I could be wrong- I'm not making any sense, am I?"

"Not a bit, my friend."

"It's just- I'm so nervous- I think- I think tonight's the night."

"The night?"

"You know." He blushed. "The night."

"Oh. Oh."

Sirius felt like he had been punched in the gut, and it must've showed, because Remus asked, "What? What's wrong?"

"You can't just tell a bloke you intend to shag his baby cousin, spring it on him like that," Sirius said, falling back on his familial affection for Tonks as a cover, not for the first time.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't think. You've just been so enthusiastic about getting us together, I thought you'd be happy for us. And maybe help me?"

"How? Sorry, but even if she wasn't my cousin, my expertise does not include techniques for shagging birds."

"No. No, of course it doesn't." Remus colored again. "I didn't mean that, I meant help me figure out how to put her in the mood on our date, how to suggest it to her so she agrees, that sort of thing."

"I think you're on your own this time, mate. I just came from her place, and she told me she wants you to be yourself tonight. So you should do it your way, is what I'd say."

"Be myself? What! Why? I thought she liked the cooler me? Didn't you say if I wanted to live with wolves, I had to howl like one, or something? Why'd she change her mind?"

"I don't think she changed her mind, precisely. She does think you're cool, trust me, and she likes that, but she wants to see your more serious side tonight: the bloke who stared at her from across a Quidditch pitch and made her feel like she was a fascinating book to be read."

"She said that? The book thing?"

"She did say that."

"So no howling tonight?"

"Not that kind of howling, no," Sirius said, trying hard not to think about the implications of that, mostly just wanting to see Remus blush again. He looked good with more color in his cheeks.

"So you won't help at all?" Remus asked.

"Well, I suppose I'll be there to offer moral support, seeing as Tonks invited James and me along."

Remus groaned. "Well, I guess I'll just forget it, then. I can't very well cozen her into coming back to my flat with you and James snickering in the background."

"We won't snicker! I'll hex James if he tries," Sirius promised, wondering why he was being helpful even in this; here was one thing he wouldn't be able to share in vicariously! "In fact, we won't come. I haven't even invited James yet. I just won't go, leave you a clear field."

"No, you should come. Tonks is expecting you, and if she invited you, it probably means she wasn't even thinking of it, anyway. It's too soon; she's not interested."

"Don't get so down on yourself, mate. She's interested, I'm sure of it," Sirius replied. How could anyone not be interested? he wondered. "You can do this, even with James and me there, even by being yourself. Especially by being yourself."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. You wanted my help with this earlier, right? I've decided I'll help. Now what did you have in mind?" The things I do for people I love, he thought.

Remus ran through the scenarios he'd dreamed up one more time in his mind. Sirius really was a good friend, both to Tonks and to himself, to be willing to help like this. He must just like seeing people in love, Remus supposed; he wondered why he didn't seem to looking for it himself.

"Well," he began, "I was actually trying to think along the lines we'd been using before. Something cool, confident, sexy. That was why I wanted your help, because you know all about such things."

Sirius squirmed a little at the compliment. "I suppose you've ruled out getting her so pissed she can't help but agree? Because I hate to shatter your illusions, but that's how all the 'cool' kids pull, these days."

"Definitely not my style, plus there's the incidental fact that Tonks can out-drink me, anyway," Remus laughed. "Now don't tease: the best line I could come up with was 'so, want to come back to my place and listen to some of my albums?'"

"Hey now, that's not bad at all. I mean, the line needs a little work, but the general approach is sound."

"Really?"

"Really. A man's record collection says a lot about him, so it's good choice to show off all sides of you. And music will really set the mood, too."

"That's what I thought," Remus said.

"See? You should trust your instincts more. But there's room for improvement, of course. How were you planning to lead in to this invitation?"

"I just figured we'd talk about music, since we do that quite a bit, then I could work it in."

"Hm. That's a little bare bones. Let me think." Sirius moved towards one of the flat's windows and stared out it thoughtfully. "It's a Friday, right?" he asked after a few moments.

"Yes."

"All right, then, I have the perfect plan for you. On Fridays, there's always dancing at Rosmerta's, and don't give me that look, Remus Lupin, you went to Beauxbatons and I know you can dance."

"So what you do is this." Sirius approached Remus now. "You ask her to dance." Sirius extended his hand, and Remus tentatively took hold of it. "You hold her close-" Sirius pulled Remus towards him- "closer than this, of course, but-" Remus simply nodded, suddenly feeling speechless.

"Dance as long as you like, and when the moment is right, you simply lean in," he did so, "and whisper in her ear, 'I'd love to dance with you all night, my dear. Would you like to have our next dance alone, at my flat? I have some wonderful music for it." Remus could feel Sirius's breath tickling as he whispered this in his ear. He tried very hard not to shiver.

Suddenly, Sirius pulled back, and with an inscrutable expression on his face, said, "That ought to do the trick."

Yeah, thought Remus, but he wasn't sure he was thinking of Tonks.

"I just wish he wouldn't-"

"Keep looking at you. I know, mate, I know," James said sympathetically, if with a tinge of exasperation at the repetition of the complaint. "You'll have to get used to it, though, if you're going to stay friends with them both."

"Of course I'll stay friends with them! How could I not?"

"I'm just saying you have to accept that they're together, and move on."

"I have accepted it! I just wish Remus would stop looking at me like- like that!" Sirius pointed discreetly at Remus and Tonks, who were gamely attempting a galliard to keep up with the rather eclectic mix of music.

"I'm sure he's just trying to be friendly, make sure we're having a good time."

Sirius downed the last of his fifth Firewhiskey. He felt horrible. He was a terrible cousin. He had almost kissed Remus! He'd only been trying to gather a little vicarious thrill under cover of demonstrating seduction techniques to Remus, but it had nearly gone too far. Much longer, and he would've lost his cousin's love, and Remus's friendship, too, and the very thought of that was too much.

"Don't you think you should be giving up and finding someone new, Sirius?" James asked. "It's not healthy for you to spend so much time focusing on this, beating yourself up over it."

Sirius chuckled bitterly.

"What?" James asked.

"Do you remember me saying that exact thing to you in school, about Lily?"

"Well, that was different. I mean, my chances might've been slim, but I had a chance. She came round in the end. But Remus-"

"I know- But trust me, James: it's not so different at all," Sirius replied.

"I just hate to see you like this," James said.

"I give me time." Sirius signaled Rosmerta for another Firewhiskey. Closing time was approaching, and pretty soon Remus would be putting his suggestion into practice, whispering in Tonks's ear just as he had in Remus's, but she'd know he meant it, and then…it didn't bear thinking about. Sirius turned so he couldn't see the dance floor and stared out the pub window instead.

Sirius was still staring out the window, occasionally sipping at his sixth Firewhiskey and ignoring James's attempts to start conversation, when Remus and Tonks returned to the table.

"One last round, I thought, before we call it a night," Remus said. "Sirius, I'll need another set of hands to carry it all, do you mind?"

Sirius grunted. "Of course not," he said grudgingly, and stood.

As they made their way through the rather crowded pub to the bar, Remus chattered nervously. "So glad you and James could make it tonight. I really haven't seen enough of you- that is, I haven't seen you as often as I'd like to- neither has Tonks. She mentioned it, and we both agreed that you should come more often. Come out to the pub more often."

Sirius gave a half-hearted "S'pose" to that. He was never having another night like this if he could help it.

"Another two Firewhiskeys and two Butterbeers, please," Remus said to Rosmerta when he had caught her attention.

"Make one of the Firewhiskeys a double," Sirius added. Perhaps by the time Remus and his cousin left, he could be unconscious.

"Thanks for coming to get the drinks with me, Sirius. I'm sorry if I keep nattering on, but I'm rather nervous about tonight, and you've been so helpful about everything, especially this afternoon-"

"It was nothing," Sirius put in at that. It was nothing, he repeated to himself. Nothing had happened, and nothing was going to happen. He should just forget about it; forget the smell of Remus's hair, forget how wonderfully nibble-able the juncture of his neck and shoulder had looked.

"Nothing," Remus repeated blankly. "Well, I thought it was…well, it certainly made me think. About Tonks, and about tonight-"

"Ah, here are the drinks!" Sirius interjected. "Ta, Rosmerta." He grabbed the two Firewhiskeys and immediately downed some of the double. He didn't want to hear what Remus was thinking about tonight.

Remus was silent for the walk back to the table, and then he and Tonks had only a few sips of their Butterbeers before returning to the dance floor, Sirius presumed for the last time. He tried again to stare out the window and not think about it, but found his eyes drawn again and again to the dancing couple. What was Remus waiting for? The band had even settled down and was playing an appropriately slow and romantic song.

Finally, as Sirius watched, Remus leaned even closer in to Tonks and whispered in her ear. Sirius turned away, squeezing his eyes shut and willing the tears forming there to go away. He didn't want to see the smile on his cousin's face.

Tonks's voice heralded their return to the table. "Thanks for coming out, James, Sirius."

"Going so soon?" James asked.

"Yeah, it's almost closing time and we want to beat the rush. Are you and Sirius staying out, then?"

James glanced at Sirius, who was staring resolutely at the contents of his glass. "Yeah, I think so."

"All right there, cuz?" Tonks asked.

Sirius looked up, forcing a smile onto his face. "Me? Of course. Had a lovely evening. Simply smashing."

"Glad to hear it," she replied. "Well, thanks again for joining us!"

"Yes, it was good to see you both outside of work," Remus added, eyes flickering between James and Sirius.

And then Tonks grabbed her jacket and they started towards the door. Sirius turned back to the window, not wanting to watch them walk out hand in hand, and suddenly what he had been staring at blankly for half the evening registered in his mind. That nose could only belong to one wizard in all of Britain.

"Wait!" he called out after the pair. "Don't go!"

James tugged at his sleeve. "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing? Just because you're on your seventh Firewhiskey doesn't mean it's a good idea to blurt out some drunken confession and hurt Tonks and Remus."

"S'not that-"

"What is it?" Remus asked as he and Tonks returned to the table.

"Look out the window. The bloke by the rain barrel across the way look familiar?"

"It's hard to say. He's got the hood of his cloak pulled up," Tonks said.

"Can you see his nose?" They all craned their necks for a better look.

"Snivellus!" James cried.

"That's right. And where there's Snape-"

"There's Malfoy?" Tonks finished.

"That's right. I suspect he's on his way here. Probably been keeping an eye on Tonks, and knows she's here."

"What should we do?" Remus asked.

"Well you two can't leave quite yet. If he spots you, there's no telling what he'll do. I'll go out there and try to distract him once he arrives. While I do that, you two can get away. Remus, I doubt he'd recognize you, but Tonks, you should probably wear a different face."

"Can do."

"How will you distract him?" James asked.

"Oh, I'll think of something."

Unfortunately, James was not in the habit of bringing his Invisibility Cloak along on friendly trips to the local pub, so Sirius's first plan to delay Malfoy fell through immediately. Hidden in the alley outside the Three Broomsticks, he lamented that fact.

But he wasn't an Auror for nothing, was he? He'd taken Concealment and Disguise training. The essential thing was to make sure Malfoy didn't recognize him, which meant changing his appearance and his voice. But which of his catalogue of set disguises to use in this situation? He had just the thing.

Hair was easy, so he did that first, changing it from black to blond. With such different hair, he didn't bother to fuss with the much more detailed charms required to alter your facial features (if you weren't born a Metamorphmagus like Tonks). Instead, he Transfigured his robes into something a bit more … khaki, with multiple pockets and shorts, even. Sirius Black would never be caught dead in such a get-up. Malfoy would never suspect. After a moment's more thought, he added a hat whose wide brim had the additional advantage of hiding his face somewhat.

"G'day, mate," he said, trying on his best Aussie accent. He was rather pleased with the results. It had been a complete injustice that he had nearly failed Disguise for 'choosing conspicuous and showy costumes that did not blend into the environs'.

Just looking (and sounding) different wouldn't be enough to distract Malfoy, of course. What would an Australian wizard be doing out in Hogsmeade at two AM? There was no plausible reason, and once you had eliminated the plausible, the implausible remained; the more implausible the better, perhaps, to hold Malfoy's attention.

So without further ado Sirius Transfigured a Butterbeer bottle that was lying in the alley into a live crocodile, and then, after a moment's thought, turned a discarded copy of the Prophet into a cage for it. Getting the croc into the cage proved to be less difficult than he had anticipated; it was apparently still startled to have appeared out of thin air, and didn't put up much of a struggle.

Sirius peeked his head out of the alley. Just as he had anticipated, Malfoy was now there, whispering with Snape. Moments later, the younger wizard Apparated away. It seemed Malfoy was planning on keeping all the fun to himself, tonight.

As Malfoy turned towards the pub, Sirius stepped out of the alley and carefully placed himself between the door and Malfoy.

"G'day, mate!" he hollered cheerfully.

Malfoy gave him a look which could've withered a Devil's Snare, which Sirius cheerfully ignored, and tried to walk around him towards the door.

Sirius blocked him. "I said, 'G'day, mate!'"

Malfoy sneered at him. "I am not your 'mate', whoever you are, and it is also not day, as you might've noticed."

"Not day?" Sirius feigned ignorance and looked up at the sky. "Why, right you are! Might I ask where exactly I am enjoying the fine night air?"

"I do not customarily hold conversations with lunatics who don't even know where they are. Now if you'll excuse me, I am meeting someone in this pub, and you are blocking the door-"

"You know, you sound like a real pommy bastard. Is that where I am? England?"

"Scotland, actually. Now if you would please move-"

"Scotland, eh? What a piece of luck. Didn't know where I might end up. Had to leave in a bit of a hurry, and not by the usual methods, if you take my meaning."

"I do not wish to take your meaning at all, you obnoxious man. If you do not remove yourself from my way, I shall be forced to hex you. I'm warning you."

Sirius carried on as if he hadn't heard, but he subtly tightened his grip on his wand. "It was on account of the-" here he leaned in to whisper at Malfoy, who cringed away in disgust- "Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Not supposed to remove them from the country, you know."

"Why would it be illegal to remove an imaginary creature from Australia?"

"Bloody poms, think they know it all. Snorkacks aren't imaginary, just very very rare. And so you're not supposed to capture 'em or take 'em out of the country, especially since those crumpled horns are so useful in Dark potions."

"Dark potions?" Sirius had known that might catch Malfoy's ear, even if he thought Sirius was crazy.

"Sure! Bit of Snorkack horn is the key ingredient in Sanguine Sandyx Solution."

"And what exactly is that meant to do?"

"Makes blood ooze from every pore. Very Dark. Illegal, of course."

"And you say you have one of these Skornacks here?"

"A Snorkack, yes, fair dinkum. Wanna see him?"

"I suppose so, if the beast actually exists."

Sirius pulled the cage with the crocodile out of the alley just as Remus and a woman he presumed was Tonks came out the door of the pub.

Malfoy hardly noticed them; he was sneering down at the cage. "Not very big, is it, this Sporcrat?"

"A Snorkack? No sirree, it's built low to the ground."

Two things happened at once as Sirius bent down to open the cage and let loose the crocodile, hopefully to wreak some havoc: his hat slipped, giving Malfoy a clear view of the aristocratic Black nose he saw every day on his wife, Narcissa; and Tonks, who along with Remus still hadn't made it past the alley, slid on another discarded newspaper and fell flat on her arse.

Instantly Malfoy, Remus and Sirius had all drawn their wands. "There's only one family with a nose like that," Malfoy snarled, "and only one witch that clumsy, no matter what she looks like. Black and Tonks, I presume?"

"And what are you going to do about it, Malfoy?" Tonks boldly asked as she scrambled to her feet; she too had her wand out now.

"We have got you outnumbered," Sirius added. "You probably shouldn't've dismissed Snivellus so soon."

"Outnumbered indeed," Malfoy drawled. He turned his attention to Remus. "And who's this? I'm afraid we haven't been introduced."

"Remus Lupin," Remus replied firmly.

"Ah, another of Moody's foolhardy Aurors. Funny, he doesn't look like your great-aunt, Nymphadora," Malfoy said to Tonks. "It seems you lied to me, my dear. And when people lie to me, they end up hurt." He took a step towards Tonks, and Remus and Sirius both moved in closer to him.

"Not a step further, Malfoy!" Remus spat.

Malfoy smiled coldly and put his hands in the air, no longer aiming his wand at Tonks.

"No matter," he said. "Nymphadora knows I don't need a wand to hurt her and those she cares for. Isn't that right?"

Tonks silently held her ground.

"Now, gentlemen, I suggest you say goodbye to the young lady. Your presence is required at the Ministry."

"At two in the bloody morning! What the hell does the Ministry need us for?"

"Thanks to the unwise choices of your cousin here, Black, your Auror unit is being sent immediately to Romania for a six month stakeout. I trust that by the time you return, Miss Tonks will have seen the error of her ways."