I woke up at dawn the next day, and it took me a moment to figure out why, even though the sun was shining and it was a lovely day, I felt like there was a lead weight on my shoulders. Then, of course, I remembered what had happened the night before. And that my necklace, my beautiful necklace, amethyst and copper like humanity and nature together, was now melded with a sword. I almost sobbed at the cruel symbolism of it all. Humanity and nature bound together to kill. And I was to lead them.
I pushed my head into my pillow, hoping to smother my breath, and die. Rather death than killing. I lost my courage after a few seconds.
"I am fortune's fool," I muttered in complete despair. This pain was too much. Telling myself that it would look better soon, I forced myself to dress. As I buckled my belt I looked at the sword disapprovingly. It lay on the floor, and to me it seemed to say, I am innocent, I have done nothing, I am as virgin as the fallow ground. And I could hear myself telling it, You may be so now, but in hours, days, who knows, you will be stained with blood and as wanton and crude as Slaughter's claws. You will destroy without knowing what you destroy, and will think naught of it after it is done. Don't try to tell me otherwise.
No, the sword said innocently. *You* will destroy. I will only be the tool you use, just as a carpenter uses a hammer to build a house.
"*No!*"
I grabbed the sword, fully intent on throwing it out the window, or into the fire, or something, when a feeling of just.....*rightness*--I can't describe it otherways---hit me. The sword-- it felt like something that had always been missing, but I had never known about, had been found. Like living a life inside, never seeing the sun, and then going outside on a sunny day realizing that why you've been miserable all these years is because you've never felt its warming rays on your skin. If you've never known that feeling--oh, you've never known true joy, and I pity you.
I was so shocked by it that I looked at it, carefully. Lighter that most swords, it was, though surely strong as the ancient, heavy blade the Guard Mistress used. There was my amethyst on the pommel, and the copper chain holding it in a protective embrace. Something in the blade itself caught my eye. I tilted it in the light a bit, and I saw the Goddess's mark, a mark that is long forgotten in your times, in a bluish sheen under the steel. And every excuse I had, every insane claim to explain that what had happened last night was a dream and, thus, half Chaos-stuff and not real, flew out the window. No one, and I mean *no one,* has a blade with a god mark on it without good reason. And it finally sunk in.
I had to save the world.
I had to kill.
I had to give up my life, my dreams, my soul maybe, to do something I had no desire to do.
And then I sobbed for lost hopes and fear of what was to come.
The world faded into blury haze, rays of light separated and doubled. I didn't realize then how often in the rest of my life this would be the only thing I would see for hours on end. And I thought about the war that I knew was to come. But I didn't cry for those I knew would die, oh, no. No. I wasn't that thoughtful. I thought only of myself, of the pain *I* would feel, of the impact it would have on *me*....
If I had known then what was to come, I would have dropped to my knees in despair and never gotten back up. And the whole world would have been better for it.
After I had dulled pain's sharp sword with my acid tears, I thought rationally for the first time since the night before. I didn't know what to do. I was not a warrior. I needed a warrior's advice. Uyne wouldn't appreciate being woken up at this ungodly hour, especially after what I *knew* she had been doing the night before. And the priestesses would still be asleep. I could sneak out and be back in time to recieve my punishment for not standing guard the whole night through at breakfast. And so I put on a cloak to hide my face, and headed for the Knyhts' barracks.
~~~~~~~~~
I knocked on Olorun's door quietly, trying not to wake anyone but her up. I heard a loud thud, some quiet laughter, and whispers before the door opened a crack and Olorun's face peeked out.
"Kaela!" she whispered urgently. "What in the Eastern Lands are you doing here at this hour?!"
"I need to speak with you, badly," I whispered back.
"This isn't the best time--"
"It's important, really it is," I said as I pushed the door open--
And closed it again, my cheeks burning bright red, as I saw a man, wearing a loincloth and nothing else, pulling his shirt over his head, and Olorun in nothing but a sheet wrapped under her arms.
I closed the door and turned away, blushing. *Why* had Olorun never mentioned this? I was her best friend! I had known her since I was five! She and I were inseperable until we were fifteen! That didn't look like nothing, absolutely nothing to me! Never in a thousand years would I have thought that we wouldn't tell each other everything.
*You didn't tell her about Jerin,* a nasty voice in my head muttered. *You told Uyne but not Olorun.* A few tears leaked from my eyes. Not this, on top of all else...
The door behind me opened, and I wiped my eyes as the man I had seen at the market months ago, now fully clothed, stepped out. Olorun followed him. I turned my eyes from what I didn't want to see, but I couldn't block the sound, a cold reminder that my best friend and I were being torn apart.
"When can I see you again?"
"I hope soon, Rayenth, but you know how crazy life is now--"
"I know, and I hate it."
"When I'm a Knyht--"
"That's months away!"
"Only six now! Then.....then we'll have all the time in the world."
"That's all well and good, but between then and now--"
"I'm not sure. If I have any, I'll let you know, I swear."
"I had better go, then. I don't want to keep your....friend....waiting."
"I'll see you, then."
I heard the typical form of good-bye for couples, and turned around as I heard fading footsteps. Olorun was glaring at me, one hand on her hip; the other was occupied trying to keep the sheet from sliding down. "Get in" was all she said, and she came behind me as I meekly followed the order, slamming the door behind her.
"What in the name of Mithros's spear are you doing at my door at dawn the day after Beltane?!"
I was silent, not sure how to start with Olorun so angry at me.
"Well?"
"I--I don't know how to start," I said, my voice small and scared.
"The beginning is good."
I took a deep breath, and said, "Yesterday, the priestess assigned to guard duty fell sick...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Olorun stared. I couldn't look at her. The look in her eyes, of fear and shock, had been growing throughout the tale, and now that I was done, I didn't think I could handle it.
"Kaela--this is blasphemy--"
"I know."
"It can't be truth--"
"It is."
"You can't be--"
"I am--I think."
"I don't know what to say, then."
*Say you believe me,* I thought desperately. *Say it's all right, you'll help me, say you'll let me lean on you, say you still love me.*
"Kaela--I don't think I can help you."
And at those words, I began to cry for what felt like the hundreth time since sundown.
It's odd, how eight words can break your heart, isn't it? When you think of all the human soul can withstand--death, pain beyond imagining, being alone past what we were ever made for-- you see how little it takes to tear us apart.
And how little it takes to put us back together.
Strong arms around my shoulders, a small, heart-shaped face pressed against my cheek, and a soft voice whispering, "Shh, darling," and "It'll all be fine, m'love" and I could think again. But for that moment, all I wanted was to let her hold me and tell me that everything would be all right. I didn't realize how much I needed it until then. Humans, even near-gods like my people, are not meant to be alone. And for all those hours since I had learned my fate, I had been alone, so alone....
After my weeping had abated, Olorun pulled away from me, stood up, and stretched. She looked at me expectantly.
"What?" I asked.
"The Goddess gave you that sword, didn't she?"
"Yes....." I motioned with my hand for her to finish her train of thought.
She took her wooden practice sword off the back of the door and grabbed her own. "Then I bet she meant for you to learn to use it."
"Your point is?"
Olorun tossed the wooden sword at me. "That I'm going to teach you. C'mon, let's get to the practice courts."
A/N: Hey, I'm back! It's short and all, but that's the best I can do right now. I'm already neglecting my biology and Parent Ed homework, and if English weren't due till Friday I'd be neglecting that too. So, guess I'll see yall later then. Review, please!
-Brad
I pushed my head into my pillow, hoping to smother my breath, and die. Rather death than killing. I lost my courage after a few seconds.
"I am fortune's fool," I muttered in complete despair. This pain was too much. Telling myself that it would look better soon, I forced myself to dress. As I buckled my belt I looked at the sword disapprovingly. It lay on the floor, and to me it seemed to say, I am innocent, I have done nothing, I am as virgin as the fallow ground. And I could hear myself telling it, You may be so now, but in hours, days, who knows, you will be stained with blood and as wanton and crude as Slaughter's claws. You will destroy without knowing what you destroy, and will think naught of it after it is done. Don't try to tell me otherwise.
No, the sword said innocently. *You* will destroy. I will only be the tool you use, just as a carpenter uses a hammer to build a house.
"*No!*"
I grabbed the sword, fully intent on throwing it out the window, or into the fire, or something, when a feeling of just.....*rightness*--I can't describe it otherways---hit me. The sword-- it felt like something that had always been missing, but I had never known about, had been found. Like living a life inside, never seeing the sun, and then going outside on a sunny day realizing that why you've been miserable all these years is because you've never felt its warming rays on your skin. If you've never known that feeling--oh, you've never known true joy, and I pity you.
I was so shocked by it that I looked at it, carefully. Lighter that most swords, it was, though surely strong as the ancient, heavy blade the Guard Mistress used. There was my amethyst on the pommel, and the copper chain holding it in a protective embrace. Something in the blade itself caught my eye. I tilted it in the light a bit, and I saw the Goddess's mark, a mark that is long forgotten in your times, in a bluish sheen under the steel. And every excuse I had, every insane claim to explain that what had happened last night was a dream and, thus, half Chaos-stuff and not real, flew out the window. No one, and I mean *no one,* has a blade with a god mark on it without good reason. And it finally sunk in.
I had to save the world.
I had to kill.
I had to give up my life, my dreams, my soul maybe, to do something I had no desire to do.
And then I sobbed for lost hopes and fear of what was to come.
The world faded into blury haze, rays of light separated and doubled. I didn't realize then how often in the rest of my life this would be the only thing I would see for hours on end. And I thought about the war that I knew was to come. But I didn't cry for those I knew would die, oh, no. No. I wasn't that thoughtful. I thought only of myself, of the pain *I* would feel, of the impact it would have on *me*....
If I had known then what was to come, I would have dropped to my knees in despair and never gotten back up. And the whole world would have been better for it.
After I had dulled pain's sharp sword with my acid tears, I thought rationally for the first time since the night before. I didn't know what to do. I was not a warrior. I needed a warrior's advice. Uyne wouldn't appreciate being woken up at this ungodly hour, especially after what I *knew* she had been doing the night before. And the priestesses would still be asleep. I could sneak out and be back in time to recieve my punishment for not standing guard the whole night through at breakfast. And so I put on a cloak to hide my face, and headed for the Knyhts' barracks.
~~~~~~~~~
I knocked on Olorun's door quietly, trying not to wake anyone but her up. I heard a loud thud, some quiet laughter, and whispers before the door opened a crack and Olorun's face peeked out.
"Kaela!" she whispered urgently. "What in the Eastern Lands are you doing here at this hour?!"
"I need to speak with you, badly," I whispered back.
"This isn't the best time--"
"It's important, really it is," I said as I pushed the door open--
And closed it again, my cheeks burning bright red, as I saw a man, wearing a loincloth and nothing else, pulling his shirt over his head, and Olorun in nothing but a sheet wrapped under her arms.
I closed the door and turned away, blushing. *Why* had Olorun never mentioned this? I was her best friend! I had known her since I was five! She and I were inseperable until we were fifteen! That didn't look like nothing, absolutely nothing to me! Never in a thousand years would I have thought that we wouldn't tell each other everything.
*You didn't tell her about Jerin,* a nasty voice in my head muttered. *You told Uyne but not Olorun.* A few tears leaked from my eyes. Not this, on top of all else...
The door behind me opened, and I wiped my eyes as the man I had seen at the market months ago, now fully clothed, stepped out. Olorun followed him. I turned my eyes from what I didn't want to see, but I couldn't block the sound, a cold reminder that my best friend and I were being torn apart.
"When can I see you again?"
"I hope soon, Rayenth, but you know how crazy life is now--"
"I know, and I hate it."
"When I'm a Knyht--"
"That's months away!"
"Only six now! Then.....then we'll have all the time in the world."
"That's all well and good, but between then and now--"
"I'm not sure. If I have any, I'll let you know, I swear."
"I had better go, then. I don't want to keep your....friend....waiting."
"I'll see you, then."
I heard the typical form of good-bye for couples, and turned around as I heard fading footsteps. Olorun was glaring at me, one hand on her hip; the other was occupied trying to keep the sheet from sliding down. "Get in" was all she said, and she came behind me as I meekly followed the order, slamming the door behind her.
"What in the name of Mithros's spear are you doing at my door at dawn the day after Beltane?!"
I was silent, not sure how to start with Olorun so angry at me.
"Well?"
"I--I don't know how to start," I said, my voice small and scared.
"The beginning is good."
I took a deep breath, and said, "Yesterday, the priestess assigned to guard duty fell sick...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Olorun stared. I couldn't look at her. The look in her eyes, of fear and shock, had been growing throughout the tale, and now that I was done, I didn't think I could handle it.
"Kaela--this is blasphemy--"
"I know."
"It can't be truth--"
"It is."
"You can't be--"
"I am--I think."
"I don't know what to say, then."
*Say you believe me,* I thought desperately. *Say it's all right, you'll help me, say you'll let me lean on you, say you still love me.*
"Kaela--I don't think I can help you."
And at those words, I began to cry for what felt like the hundreth time since sundown.
It's odd, how eight words can break your heart, isn't it? When you think of all the human soul can withstand--death, pain beyond imagining, being alone past what we were ever made for-- you see how little it takes to tear us apart.
And how little it takes to put us back together.
Strong arms around my shoulders, a small, heart-shaped face pressed against my cheek, and a soft voice whispering, "Shh, darling," and "It'll all be fine, m'love" and I could think again. But for that moment, all I wanted was to let her hold me and tell me that everything would be all right. I didn't realize how much I needed it until then. Humans, even near-gods like my people, are not meant to be alone. And for all those hours since I had learned my fate, I had been alone, so alone....
After my weeping had abated, Olorun pulled away from me, stood up, and stretched. She looked at me expectantly.
"What?" I asked.
"The Goddess gave you that sword, didn't she?"
"Yes....." I motioned with my hand for her to finish her train of thought.
She took her wooden practice sword off the back of the door and grabbed her own. "Then I bet she meant for you to learn to use it."
"Your point is?"
Olorun tossed the wooden sword at me. "That I'm going to teach you. C'mon, let's get to the practice courts."
A/N: Hey, I'm back! It's short and all, but that's the best I can do right now. I'm already neglecting my biology and Parent Ed homework, and if English weren't due till Friday I'd be neglecting that too. So, guess I'll see yall later then. Review, please!
-Brad
