Learning Boundaries
Disclaimer: Refer To Chapter One.
Back to life as usual – or at least back to the pain. Tensions had started growing again the day after the call. Grissom had, in fact, pretended that the phone call had never happened. Sara had done so as well. It was easier that way. No reason to face it, right?
"It's a busy night, tonight," Grissom said as he walked into the breakroom, "You're all going out on calls alone. Pick one and get to work." He dropped the slips of paper on the table. "Except you, Greg." He glanced at the young CSI. "You're needed in the lab tonight. The newest DNA tech is out sick." Then, he was gone before anyone could protest.
Frowning at the slips of paper, everyone reached at them all at once. They were about to start squabbling over who got what when Greg asked them, "Doesn't he ever leave the lab anymore?"
They all stole glances at each other waiting to see who would speak first. All of them sat in silence looking at their assignment sheets they had picked up.
Nick nervously broke the silence, "He's always where we least expect him. He's just Grissom."
Warrick piped up at that, "He's always beat us to crime scenes. Now, it's like they don't exist except on paper." He shook the paper in his hand for emphasis.
"Come on, guys, let's go before the bodies get cold," Catherine replied. "Don't dwell on it too much. He's just got a lot of cases to review. It has been busy lately." She knew she was covering for him, and hated Grissom for making her do it. She was literally disgusted that he had slipped back into his shell.
Sara said nothing. She just got out of her seat and walked to the locker room to get her coat from her locker. Everyone else sat there staring at their assignments. Catherine walked out after her and caught up with her.
"Sara, is everything okay? You were really quiet back there," she said with obvious concern in her voice.
Sara mustered a smile and replied, "Yeah. I'm good. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Just quiet is all. Look, if there's anything you want to talk about, let me know."
"I've just got a few things on my mind. It's nothing that won't pass in time." Sara hung her head towards the floor feeling nervous.
"Did Grissom do something?" Catherine asked with slightly raised eyebrows.
That brought Sara's attention back up from the floor, her defenses flaring. "Huh? Why would this have anything to do with Grissom?"
"Whoa there. I was just asking a question. I know he's prone to acting like a jerk sometimes, and he's been in one of his brooding moods. I thought he might've said something... thoughtless."
"No. In fact, he hasn't really said anything to me in a while." Sara immediately hated those few words as they revealed more than she had intended.
Catherine looked at her a few minutes more. The hurt conveyed in Sara's eyes forced her to look away. Both fought with words as the silence told them there was nothing that they could say to make the situation better.
"Well," Sara said, "you said it best. My body is getting cold." She looked up, wearing a tight, fake smile. "I'll see you later, Cath."
Grissom sat on the edge of his desk pinching the bridge of his nose. The headaches were coming more and more frequently with each passing week. Sometimes he had fought through the pain, reminding himself that the pain in his head was better than the pain in his heart.
Each member of the team passed by on their way out of the building. He saw none of them as each stole a glance at him, becoming a shell of the man he used to be.
As the end of shift approached, Grissom was deeply involved in case reviews. His headache had approached a tolerable level as the hours had passed. He continued working until everyone that had passed his office on way to cases had passed it again and again walking around the lab, and finally passing again, leaving for the day.
Everyone except that long-legged brunette who was standing in his doorway again. Her thin frame was leaning against the doorjamb in her usual casual manner she had adopted when entering his office. Her smile radiated nervousness as she watched him working.
Grissom looked up at her as his heart started beating ferociously in his ears. This is it, he thought, Be careful, Gil. He tugged at his glasses, pulling them off of his nose.
"Do you have a minute to talk?" Sara asked tentatively.
"I'm rather busy." Nervously, Grissom ran his hand across his mouth. "There are a lot of cases that need to be cleared off my desk."
"I can help you with those." Her shoulders moved in the briefest of shrugs, mimicking the slight movement of her eyebrows. "If you want."
"Sara…" Grissom looked at his hands uncertainly. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"Okay, Grissom. Have a good day." Her words stuck in her throat, and her stomach tied itself in a knot. Slowly, Sara tore herself away from the doorframe and walked down the hall and out of sight. Her head was hanging in defeat. By the time Grissom looked up, she was gone.
Her eyes were closed while she was walking. After the many years of working in the Vegas crime lab, her feet knew the halls and led her out to her car safely. She had promised herself that she would not make a fool of herself for Gil Grissom again. What was it about him that drove her to keep forgetting that?
Every time she walked away from him, a little piece of her was lost. A little bit of her died each time she turned away from him. His eyes, those bright blue eyes, drove her over the edge when he looked at her. She did everything in her power to ignore them, but it was so hard to look away.
She drove herself home thinking of all the things she wanted to tell him. Berating herself for still thinking of the man that continued to play with her heart. No. Sara thought about it and decided he was just Grissom, inept at feeling. He had no idea what was he was doing.
Sleep evaded her as she continued to think of the last five years, starting at the point she received a call in the middle of the night telling her she was needed. Then, Norman came crashing from a rooftop and the sound of that voice in her ears. The memory of him turning around to her was seared into her brain. Happy. Vibrant. Alive.
That was a long time ago, and everything had changed. What she once looked upon as possible was becoming more and more distant as each day passed. Because each day he pressed his nose further into a file, that was one more day she went home alone letting him pull further away from her.
The thoughts that brought her so much joy were bringing pain. Pain that was searing through her body. Each day when she went into the office and saw those blue eyes she was reminded of what she would and could never have. She relived every moment they had spent together on cases and how close he was to her, and yet so far.
Had she caused the mess between them? Had she read too much into his actions and made their friendship difficult? Had she ruined being close to him because she wanted more? He was distant, untouchable, now. The playful, funny Grissom was gone, and she feared she was the one to cause it.
She cried herself to sleep that night. Knowing she loved that man made her feel more pain than she thought possible. Her dreams were fraught with desires and wishes for her future. A future that she wanted, and could never have, with Grissom.
Across town, Grissom slumped into the couch in his townhouse. The bottle of water in his hand was a pathetic, however appropriate, chaser to the pill he had just popped into his mouth. The headaches were becoming more and more a constant in his life, only lulling into a dull throb haunting him each waking moment. He figured he would grow used to it. It would be the persistent physical pain in his life to rival the almost as relentless emotional pain.
There was her frown again. That was actually his frown. He was the cause of her wearing it each day for the past couple of weeks. It was the frown she wore when he did something to upset her. It was the frown that told him he was affecting her. It was the frown that told him she was still here working with him and not somewhere else doing something else with someone else.
It was a guilty pleasure. Grissom was relieved and disgusted by it at the same time. The simple fact was that neither could be happy at the same time. Was there a happy medium? Grissom was not sure he could settle for a happy medium. He needed her to be close, but not so close that she touched him.
Grissom realized it was a sad trade-off. He was either granted the frown that reminded him she was as miserable as he was or the smile that warmed his heart. What bothered him the most was that, along with her wearing the frown, Sara spent less and less time standing in his doorway.
Weeks turned into months, and months led into a new season. Spring had sprung with new flowers and a new Sara as well. Her smile and witty, playful banter had come back in full force. In all honesty, Grissom had to admit that it was beautiful to watch.
She was so gorgeous when she smiled. Her smile radiated so much happiness that it brought her entire face alive. Grissom felt it extremely hard not to stare at her when she was laughing at a joke or smiling at a piece of evidence that sealed a case airtight. That squint in her eyes and slow blink when she was truly happy drove Grissom over the edge.
Tensions had slowly been dissolving. Over the months, the other members of the team had felt the rift, yet no one said anything. It was workable, they all agreed without words. Work had not suffered in the least. They were both professions after all.
Grissom and Sara found that time had helped them be able to work together as they used to. They had always worked so well together. It was a silent understanding of what the other needed. The unspoken bond of two people who needed to be there with the other forced them into an undeclared truce.
As long as Sara was not suffering, Grissom knew he could keep his resolve to stay away from her. She was with him, and she was happy. There was nothing more he could ask for than that.
