Lunch was a somber affair, much like the full moon. I was in luck though. James was completely devoted to Lily the whole time so he didn't notice any difference in Sirius's and my behavior. Peter, I wondered if he noticed, but he spent so much time fretting over his essay for Defense Against the Dark Arts that I really doubted it. I read through it for him to make up for my lack of eating, but couldn't concentrate on the material long enough to actually correct any mistakes. Finally I gave up, handed Peter back his essay and told him I'd forgotten something and had to leave. Peter just nodded, but I caught Sirius looking at me out of the corner of my eye.

iSirius, what were you thinking?/i I asked myself as I wandered the halls of Hogwarts. I ran a hand through my hair then pulled it out, realizing it had been the one I had just been using to stroke Sirius's hair. I'd done that so many times before while we were all hanging around the dormitory, but never had anything like what had just occurred ever happen before.

There had to be some reason, something. Friends didn't just up and kiss one day, especially not friends of the same gender. And what if Peter hadn't walked in? What would have happened next? I stopped where I was in the hall and pressed my back against the wall, feeling my breath leave in ragged intervals.

He had said he was bored. He was lonely though, I could just tell by the way he was. That still didn't make sense as to why he kissed me.

I pushed myself from the wall and began moving again. Some students who had left the Great Hall came running by, yelling excitedly. I turned so as to get away from them and let my brain buzz onward. I wandered for hours, but by the time I got back to the Gryffindor Common Room, I still wasn't done thinking.

The only plausible reason, I deduced as I sat in an armchair in the corner, was that Sirius was confused. It seemed everything going on his seventh year was too much for him. What with NEWTs, his loneliness at losing time with James, and other such things. I'd seen the shock in his eyes after we'd parted. Surely, if he was shocked, he hadn't meant to kiss me. No, there was nothing there. We were just friends, nothing more.

"Remus, there you are?" a familiar voice broke into my thoughts. I looked up to see a red-haired girl with brilliant green eyes coming toward me. "You left the Great Hall so quickly. Is anything wrong?"

I looked at Lily and that worried expression on her face. I couldn't tell her what was really bothering me though, that would only humiliate Sirius further. Despite that incident, I cared about him and I couldn't stand for anyone finding out what we did, it would only damage his reputation.

"I wasn't feeling very well," I said evenly. Then in an attempt to get away I stood up. "I think I'm just going to go back to the dormitory now and lay down." I skirted past her, aware of a skeptical look holding her features together, but I just wanted to get away. I hurried up the stairs hoping she wouldn't follow and rushed into the dormitory. As I closed the door and turned to face the room, a sharp intake of breath on my part made a the only sound there.

Laying on his bed, looking in quite a disheveled state was Sirius. His long black locks were strewn on his pillow, his dark eyes vapid. My first instinct was to go over to see what was wrong, but I held back, already knowing what had caused this scene.

He got up slowly, looking at me with what appeared to be a purely frightened face. I swallowed and found my calm center. It was as hard as it had ever been.

"Remus, I need to talk to you," he said quickly, swinging one leg off the bed, then the other. "About this morning, I can explain."

"There's really no need to explain," I said, sound barely making it's way out, but I had managed to make it sound semi-normal at least. His eyes were drilling into me oddly; it made me uneasy.

"No, listen Remus, I do. What came over me, it was . . .well it's hard to explain. It was like . . . ."

"Like you didn't know what you were doing," I cut in. "You were confused and lonely Sirius, it's okay. You don't need t-"

Remus, just shut up and listen to me!" he yelled. I stood my ground, but inside I was cowering. Sirius had never raised his voice like that to me before. "Perhaps I was lonely, but I was not confused Moony," he continued. "In fact, I was seeing more clearly then than I had ever seen in my life. I now know why I couldn't go out with any of those girls. It was because they weren't you, Remus. I've always wanted you, I just didn't know it, but now I do. I see now that I love you."

I took a step back to steady myself, but only managed to back into the closed door. I couldn't believe what Sirius was saying was true. His eyes though, they looked so intense. But this wasn't right.

"Stop that now Sirius. We both love each other, but only as friends. You're all stressed out and now that kiss has gotten you all rattled," I interjected. "You just need to calm down and think this over rationally. In the morning perhaps-"

"I'll still feel the same! I have been thinking this over rationally and I came to my conclusions. I love you Remus, that's all there is to it."

The earnest way he said this almost frightened me. What he was saying wasn't true. Or maybe I didn't want it to be. I shook that thought away from me. Of course Sirius was mistaken. After seven years, you didn't just start loving your friend. And by the sight of him, who would have believed anything he said; he looked completely deranged. He sounded like he meant it though. There was definite emotion in those words. All the more reason he was deranged. But what if he wasn't?

"Remus would you do something," he yelled suddenly, breaking my thoughts. I looked him over. He was near hysterics, his eyes pleading. His black hair fell to his shoulders, but it was ruffled and not looking of it's usual majestic quality. "You just stand there and you look at me so calmly. How can you do that? I want you to do something, anything at all. I know you have emotions too, let them out!"

But I was still where I was, back against the door, incapable of doing anything at all. How could he not see I wasn't calm, that inside was screaming? I realized then my face was completely slack, though how I'd managed that one, I didn't know. Inside I indeed felt an upsurgence of emotions, but there were too many to display so my face just went on looking how I forced it to so much. Why couldn't I get it to look reassuring? There I was, devoid of a reassuring word or thought or anything, when my friend needed it the most. I took a step away from the door, then another.

"Sirius . . . I . . . we . . . this can't," I mumbled tonelessly, unable to muster up what I wanted.

I watched him go rigid. His eyes seemed to shoot sparks at me. Our eyes locked for a brief moment and I wondered what he might have seen. I know I saw pain and anger. And rejection. In the next moment he was sweeping passed me to the door I'd now unblocked. I thought about stopping him, my hand even reached out slightly, grazing his shoulder as he went by. I was met by a slamming door some two seconds later.

I was left standing there in the dormitory, feeling somehow worse than I had ever felt in my life. It didn't add up. What had happened that morning was a stupid mistake. There were many more pressing matters. It was our seventh year at Hogwarts for goodness sake! We'd soon all be leaving into the world, a world plagued by a dark wizard and the unknown all together. Yet here I was, worked up over something as silly as a kiss. Except it wasn't just a kiss, it was Sirius.

I threw myself onto my bed, breathing in my pillow. Just when I thought things couldn't get any more complicated, they go off and prove me wrong. I heard the door creaking open, but I felt no desire to get up to see who it was.

"Lily said there was something up with you," I heard a hesitant voice. Then footsteps came to rest beside my bed. "Hey Remus, what's up? You're up here sulking and Sirius just came storming out, hexing some second year. What is up with you two?"

I sighed and flipped over on my bed, feeling too exhausted to get up. I was met with concerned hazel eyes peering through glasses. "Sirius is just a little mad at me right now," I replied, my voice still dull and empty. I hoped he wouldn't prod into details, I wasn't about to give them and my brain was too sluggish to think of a good cover. This must have shown in my eyes, because he graciously moved on.

"Oh. Well, I'm sure he'll get over it. I'll talk to him later for you if you want."

I swallowed. "You don't have to do that, really. Thanks though."

"No problem," James said, waving a hand as if to cast off any gratitude. "I better go see if Lily needs a hand with that second year now. Sirius did a number on him. If you want to talk later though . . . ."

I noticed he gave me a curious glance and knew he was wondering what had gone on between us. I smiled weakly though and he just escaped back out of the room leaving me alone again with my thoughts. "It's all a big misunderstanding," I muttered to myself. "Besides, it helped me forget my earlier problems for a bit." I frowned to myself. If things kept getting any worse, I would probably manage to bite someone come next full moon. I glanced out the window then turned my back on it and dug my head back into the pillow. My mind was so busy, but I somehow managed to drift off to sleep, releasing visions in my head of Sirius in my arms.