So I was lonely and confused and a nutcase. That seemed to be the verdict. I pushed passed some Hufflepuff kid, perhaps shoving him a bit rougher than I should have, but I didn't care. He'd get over it. Besides, I was crazy now. Crazy people did that kind of thing, attack innocent people in their way like second years and Hufflepuffs.
That wasn't what was really bothering me though. I could take insults, been doing it for a long time in fact, but he had just stood there so calm. That's what made me mad. How could he stay so collective after something like that?! If anyone was crazy, it was him, Mr. I'm Too Good To Express My Feelings.
"Damn you Remus," I growled under my breath.
He always did think through things logically. Sometimes too much so. As for myself, well, my thought process was usually different. I had my impulse moments, even I could admit that. That morning had been one of them. I knew for a fact that it wasn't just some stupid lunatic impulse though. No, something else led to that one that was not crazy at all. After Remus had disappeared. I'd had some time to think it over and evaluate it. There was only one plausible explanation as to why I'd kissed him and that was that I loved him. That or someone had put some kind of charm on me to do it, but that was unlikely. Besides, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I should love Remus.
But maybe I was being too hasty with this. Maybe I was just a little confused. Certainly Remus wasn't going to take any chances. When did he ever voluntarily take a chance though without being goaded into it by James or myself? I felt a strong urge to punch something right then.
What would I have wanted him to say though? Did I really think he'd come running into my arms? No, of course not. But I had been expecting some kind of reaction. Perhaps some screaming and yelling, a good insult or two. Revulsion would have sufficed, disgust, downright anger. A punch in the face may have served me some good.
Moony would have never done that though. I stopped dead in my tracks. That's what was so frustrating. I sat there that morning, I didn't even have to tell him what I was thinking, he just opened me up like a book. Then what do I get in return? 'I'm scared.' And what was that supposed to mean? What was he afraid of? Were there monsters under his bed, was he scared of the bogeyman? Then I kiss him and for a brief moment I get some kind of emotion, shock, but an emotion nonetheless, and then nothing again. He was as closed off as ever now. He certainly didn't expect me to try to guess what he was feeling, did he?
If he closes off for good now, it'll be all my fault, I told myself, guilt creeping into my rage. I nearly rammed my head into the wall. It would not be all my fault, but I should have known better than to just blurt something like that out. Was I a complete idiot? The guy was scared to begin with, I didn't need to scar him for life. I turned on my heel and headed back the way I'd came, plowing though a group of gossiping Ravenclaw girls.
"Excuse you," one yelled after angrily, but I just ignored her. I had to go back. I had to apologize to Remus. I also needed to find out what his thoughts were on all this. I hadn't given him a chance to speak before. I let myself get so worked up at not having gotten a reaction, when I'd barely given him a chance to blink before I stormed out. So maybe I was stretching the truth a bit, but certainly, shouldn't I have known he'd try to hide his feelings? He needed time to open up, like when we found out he was a werewolf. It had taken weeks before he even admitted to himself that we still wanted to be friends with him and he stopped acting so distant.
I burst back into the Common Room, intent on marching straight up to the dormitory where Remus hopefully still was, alone. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a group of first years scattered to get away from me. This distraction caused me to miss the vicious red-head blocking my way through.
"Sirius Black, where in Merlin's name have you been? And what makes you think you have the right to hex anyone you see and then just storm out of here?"
I flinched slightly. There was literally almost steam coming out of Lily's ears. I didn't have time to waste on her though. "I'm really very sorry, but if you'll excuse me for a moment-"
"I most certainly will not! Hexing innocent students is about the most cruel thing ever, no matter what kind of mood you're in. Isn't that right James?"
It was then I spotted James by my left. His face contoured oddly as Lily addressed him. Under any different circumstances I would have laughed at him, but right then I couldn't have laughed if Snape had been in front of me in a pink tutu dancing to the Nutcracker. Okay, maybe I could have.
"Lily's right," he said quickly at last, head hung. I sighed then rolled my eyes. Love made people do crazy things all right. James and I were walking proof. I watched as Lily went to open her mouth to have another attack at me and I waited.
"Why don't you let me handle it," James said suddenly, regaining his proper neck posture and looking once again the regal stag and not the whipped dog. Lily cast him a suspicious look, even I gaped openly at him. He just smiled suavely though. "Come on, who knows better how to control Sirius than me?"
I snorted loudly, unable to contain myself as these two wasted my time. That would be the last time I hexed someone in the Common Room unless their name was James Potter. Even that didn't look like a good idea anymore though with Head Girl Lily about. She was in fact right then looking from James to me before she sighed.
"Oh, all right," she gave in, her inner gentleness seeking it's way out again. "You sort this out with him. I'll go see if that boy has stopped molting yet. He refuses to go to the hospital wing until he does."
I raised an eyebrow as Lily bustled off. "So what kind of hex did I put on him anyway?" I asked, my curiosity escaping before I could even try to tame it.
"You seem back to your normal self. Are you done being angry with Moony already?"
I felt something lodge itself into my throat. Had he been talking to Remus? "What did he tell you?" I demanded quickly. Oh great, make it obvious.
James shrugged. "Nothing really, just said you were mad at him. Lily told me he seemed off and when I got up there, he looked in a right state so I didn't try to push him. You wouldn't mind elaborating for me now, would you?"
My throat constricted some more. Lily and James had seen something was wrong with him? It was less a question than my mind made it seem though. I too saw there was something up, but I didn't know what and it appeared neither did they. Whatever was in my throat dislodged. False worry, I told myself. And Remus hadn't talked to them either, I pointed out to myself, so it wasn't like I was the only one he'd closed off from, this wasn't exclusive. I wasn't sure if I should have felt relieved or disappointed by the fact that James also knew nothing on the matter.
"This is a personal matter between Remus and me," I said firmly to James who was still eyeing me and waiting for an answer. "When he feels like expressing what it is, then you can know. Until then, I have business to take up with him on these matters." I tried to get to the dormitory, but James blocked me.
"Sirius, when I had a problem this morning, you forced it out of me, now I plan on doing the same thing with you."
"It's not going to work," I replied stubbornly, still trying to skirt passed James, but he was more agile than me. Damn Quidditch players. "Damn it James, let me through!"
"Something's wrong with Remus and you and I want to know what is wrong with my friends."
I sighed and threw my hands up in exasperation. "What do you want from me James? I told you already, this is personal. I know we're best friends, no secrets, but let me figure this on out on my own."
We stood there for a moment, just staring at each other, waiting for the other to back down. I wasn't going to do that though. I was determined to set things right. James was going to have to accept that for once, this one time, I didn't want him there for me. I was more than relieved when I saw the signs of defeat come across his face.
"All right Padfoot, you don't want to tell me just yet, fine. I understand." Of course, he didn't understand, but I was still glad to here hear him say that.
"Thanks Prongs. I really need to do this alone. If we could have some privacy for awhile too, that would be great."
"Yeah, sure. I'll keep Peter down here. And I don't think Remus has left to go anywhere."
I almost beamed openly as I swept across the room and up the stairs. Things were looking better, not good, but better was all I could hope for right then. Once I reached the door though, my heart was beating too quickly. There were so many things that could still go wrong. But I had to say I was sorry. I turned the knob and opened the door slowly then closed it again gingerly behind me. Lying on one of the four poster beds was the sandy-haired, golden-eyed boy.
"Remus?" I called out quietly. I took a few steps closer. "Remus, you up?" I mad my way silently to his bedside. He was definitely asleep. I watched as his body rose and fell in regular intervals. I reached one hand down to shake him awake, then thought better of it. Instead I went over and sat on the windowsill where Remus had just been that morning.
So now what? I asked myself. I was feeling impatient. First Lily, then James and now he was asleep. It seemed everything I had to say would have to wait until morning and I couldn't bare that. I also couldn't bring myself to wake him though either. He was too peaceful right then, I wasn't going to ruin that. I wasn't going to screw things up again. I had to be patient. Fuck, how did Remus manage this patience thing? I stared out the window like he had been doing, but the scenery did little to clear my mind. The anxiety of that whole day still persisted to build up into one giant mountain of guilt, shame, and frustration.
A strangled cry broke through my bad humor and dissolved all my ill feelings. My head spun around to take in Remus thrashing about in his bed. I jumped up and rushed to his bedside again, alarmed by this sudden episode. As he tried to untangle himself from sweaty sheets, tears were sliding down his cheeks.
"Remus, it's okay," I said softly, hoping to sound as comforting as he could be when one of us needed it. He stopped struggling and looked at me with shining eyes. I wrapped my arms around his thin frame, almost instinctively, but he didn't object to it. He just dug his head into my shoulder, shuddering quietly.
"Was it a nightmare?" I asked carefully. We all knew by now Remus suffered from what I called 'nighttime horrors.' It was kind of hard not to know when you shared a room to sleep in with him. He finally told us what they were about once, after a lot of persuasion. He had been shy and embarrassed, but he told us he often dreamed he was the werewolf, and he had managed to kill someone he cared for, sometimes one of us, sometimes, a family member, other times a complete stranger. I had shuddered when he'd told us. I shuddered again now as he nodded his head into my shoulder. I gave him a squeeze.
"It's okay Remus. We'd never let you hurt anyone. We're always there for you on the full moon and any other time." He raised his now dry face, but I felt my shirt was now damp. My heart almost broke in half by the sight of him. He'd finally dropped the calm coating, utterly and completely, and the real Remus was on display for me to take in.
"You won't be there much longer though," he whispered, his voice scratchy and old sounding. "We're almost done here. You and the others will go on and get jobs and have lives. I'm just a werewolf, and I have to face the facts, I have no future."
"Don't say that," I rebuked firmly. I was getting used to using that tone with Remus that day. "We'll always be there for you no matter what. And you'll have a wonderful life. There are plenty of people out there willing to accept you like me and James and Peter and what about Dumbledore? I'll make people see you for who you really are if I have to."
A hand reached up to his face to stop a single tear that had started. It was so pale and fragile looking. "I'm so scared Sirius," he said for the second time that day. "Voldemort's out there and I'm a dark creature, you know. What if I'm swayed to his side?" I just watched him, in pain as he showed me his emotions so plainly, exactly what I had wanted him to do, I thought to myself bitterly. Why did I ever wish to see this? "My mum is sick now too." My mouth formed a small 'oh' of surprise. "I got the owl this morning," he continued. "My dad took her to St. Mungo's. He said she'd be just fine, but I'm still worried."
He dug his face back into my shoulder and I felt my shirt grow damper as I held him tighter. "I'm so sorry Remus," I whispered, unable to think of anything else to say for a moment. "I'm sure your mum will be okay, like your dad said. And I promise, I will never leave you alone and I will never let anything evil get to you ever. Voldemort will never get to you, your heart is too pure, don't you ever forget that. You are not just some werewolf, you are Remus Lupin, the nicest kid I have ever met who cares more about his friends and family than anyone in the world."
Remus didn't make another sound and I didn't dare to either. Occasionally his shoulders shook, but even that soon stopped. I stroked his soft brown hair with one hand while clinging to him with the other. I vowed to myself right then that I would never let go of him again.
----------------------
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their reviews. I really appreciated the feedback and I'm soo glad you all enjoyed this story. I was so worried as this is my first ever attempt at slash, but you guys really know how to boost someone's self esteem. Thanks a bunch! I hope you continue to tell me what you think and I can take brutal honesty, so if there's anything you don't like, let me know so I can improve on it. Thanks again.
That wasn't what was really bothering me though. I could take insults, been doing it for a long time in fact, but he had just stood there so calm. That's what made me mad. How could he stay so collective after something like that?! If anyone was crazy, it was him, Mr. I'm Too Good To Express My Feelings.
"Damn you Remus," I growled under my breath.
He always did think through things logically. Sometimes too much so. As for myself, well, my thought process was usually different. I had my impulse moments, even I could admit that. That morning had been one of them. I knew for a fact that it wasn't just some stupid lunatic impulse though. No, something else led to that one that was not crazy at all. After Remus had disappeared. I'd had some time to think it over and evaluate it. There was only one plausible explanation as to why I'd kissed him and that was that I loved him. That or someone had put some kind of charm on me to do it, but that was unlikely. Besides, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I should love Remus.
But maybe I was being too hasty with this. Maybe I was just a little confused. Certainly Remus wasn't going to take any chances. When did he ever voluntarily take a chance though without being goaded into it by James or myself? I felt a strong urge to punch something right then.
What would I have wanted him to say though? Did I really think he'd come running into my arms? No, of course not. But I had been expecting some kind of reaction. Perhaps some screaming and yelling, a good insult or two. Revulsion would have sufficed, disgust, downright anger. A punch in the face may have served me some good.
Moony would have never done that though. I stopped dead in my tracks. That's what was so frustrating. I sat there that morning, I didn't even have to tell him what I was thinking, he just opened me up like a book. Then what do I get in return? 'I'm scared.' And what was that supposed to mean? What was he afraid of? Were there monsters under his bed, was he scared of the bogeyman? Then I kiss him and for a brief moment I get some kind of emotion, shock, but an emotion nonetheless, and then nothing again. He was as closed off as ever now. He certainly didn't expect me to try to guess what he was feeling, did he?
If he closes off for good now, it'll be all my fault, I told myself, guilt creeping into my rage. I nearly rammed my head into the wall. It would not be all my fault, but I should have known better than to just blurt something like that out. Was I a complete idiot? The guy was scared to begin with, I didn't need to scar him for life. I turned on my heel and headed back the way I'd came, plowing though a group of gossiping Ravenclaw girls.
"Excuse you," one yelled after angrily, but I just ignored her. I had to go back. I had to apologize to Remus. I also needed to find out what his thoughts were on all this. I hadn't given him a chance to speak before. I let myself get so worked up at not having gotten a reaction, when I'd barely given him a chance to blink before I stormed out. So maybe I was stretching the truth a bit, but certainly, shouldn't I have known he'd try to hide his feelings? He needed time to open up, like when we found out he was a werewolf. It had taken weeks before he even admitted to himself that we still wanted to be friends with him and he stopped acting so distant.
I burst back into the Common Room, intent on marching straight up to the dormitory where Remus hopefully still was, alone. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a group of first years scattered to get away from me. This distraction caused me to miss the vicious red-head blocking my way through.
"Sirius Black, where in Merlin's name have you been? And what makes you think you have the right to hex anyone you see and then just storm out of here?"
I flinched slightly. There was literally almost steam coming out of Lily's ears. I didn't have time to waste on her though. "I'm really very sorry, but if you'll excuse me for a moment-"
"I most certainly will not! Hexing innocent students is about the most cruel thing ever, no matter what kind of mood you're in. Isn't that right James?"
It was then I spotted James by my left. His face contoured oddly as Lily addressed him. Under any different circumstances I would have laughed at him, but right then I couldn't have laughed if Snape had been in front of me in a pink tutu dancing to the Nutcracker. Okay, maybe I could have.
"Lily's right," he said quickly at last, head hung. I sighed then rolled my eyes. Love made people do crazy things all right. James and I were walking proof. I watched as Lily went to open her mouth to have another attack at me and I waited.
"Why don't you let me handle it," James said suddenly, regaining his proper neck posture and looking once again the regal stag and not the whipped dog. Lily cast him a suspicious look, even I gaped openly at him. He just smiled suavely though. "Come on, who knows better how to control Sirius than me?"
I snorted loudly, unable to contain myself as these two wasted my time. That would be the last time I hexed someone in the Common Room unless their name was James Potter. Even that didn't look like a good idea anymore though with Head Girl Lily about. She was in fact right then looking from James to me before she sighed.
"Oh, all right," she gave in, her inner gentleness seeking it's way out again. "You sort this out with him. I'll go see if that boy has stopped molting yet. He refuses to go to the hospital wing until he does."
I raised an eyebrow as Lily bustled off. "So what kind of hex did I put on him anyway?" I asked, my curiosity escaping before I could even try to tame it.
"You seem back to your normal self. Are you done being angry with Moony already?"
I felt something lodge itself into my throat. Had he been talking to Remus? "What did he tell you?" I demanded quickly. Oh great, make it obvious.
James shrugged. "Nothing really, just said you were mad at him. Lily told me he seemed off and when I got up there, he looked in a right state so I didn't try to push him. You wouldn't mind elaborating for me now, would you?"
My throat constricted some more. Lily and James had seen something was wrong with him? It was less a question than my mind made it seem though. I too saw there was something up, but I didn't know what and it appeared neither did they. Whatever was in my throat dislodged. False worry, I told myself. And Remus hadn't talked to them either, I pointed out to myself, so it wasn't like I was the only one he'd closed off from, this wasn't exclusive. I wasn't sure if I should have felt relieved or disappointed by the fact that James also knew nothing on the matter.
"This is a personal matter between Remus and me," I said firmly to James who was still eyeing me and waiting for an answer. "When he feels like expressing what it is, then you can know. Until then, I have business to take up with him on these matters." I tried to get to the dormitory, but James blocked me.
"Sirius, when I had a problem this morning, you forced it out of me, now I plan on doing the same thing with you."
"It's not going to work," I replied stubbornly, still trying to skirt passed James, but he was more agile than me. Damn Quidditch players. "Damn it James, let me through!"
"Something's wrong with Remus and you and I want to know what is wrong with my friends."
I sighed and threw my hands up in exasperation. "What do you want from me James? I told you already, this is personal. I know we're best friends, no secrets, but let me figure this on out on my own."
We stood there for a moment, just staring at each other, waiting for the other to back down. I wasn't going to do that though. I was determined to set things right. James was going to have to accept that for once, this one time, I didn't want him there for me. I was more than relieved when I saw the signs of defeat come across his face.
"All right Padfoot, you don't want to tell me just yet, fine. I understand." Of course, he didn't understand, but I was still glad to here hear him say that.
"Thanks Prongs. I really need to do this alone. If we could have some privacy for awhile too, that would be great."
"Yeah, sure. I'll keep Peter down here. And I don't think Remus has left to go anywhere."
I almost beamed openly as I swept across the room and up the stairs. Things were looking better, not good, but better was all I could hope for right then. Once I reached the door though, my heart was beating too quickly. There were so many things that could still go wrong. But I had to say I was sorry. I turned the knob and opened the door slowly then closed it again gingerly behind me. Lying on one of the four poster beds was the sandy-haired, golden-eyed boy.
"Remus?" I called out quietly. I took a few steps closer. "Remus, you up?" I mad my way silently to his bedside. He was definitely asleep. I watched as his body rose and fell in regular intervals. I reached one hand down to shake him awake, then thought better of it. Instead I went over and sat on the windowsill where Remus had just been that morning.
So now what? I asked myself. I was feeling impatient. First Lily, then James and now he was asleep. It seemed everything I had to say would have to wait until morning and I couldn't bare that. I also couldn't bring myself to wake him though either. He was too peaceful right then, I wasn't going to ruin that. I wasn't going to screw things up again. I had to be patient. Fuck, how did Remus manage this patience thing? I stared out the window like he had been doing, but the scenery did little to clear my mind. The anxiety of that whole day still persisted to build up into one giant mountain of guilt, shame, and frustration.
A strangled cry broke through my bad humor and dissolved all my ill feelings. My head spun around to take in Remus thrashing about in his bed. I jumped up and rushed to his bedside again, alarmed by this sudden episode. As he tried to untangle himself from sweaty sheets, tears were sliding down his cheeks.
"Remus, it's okay," I said softly, hoping to sound as comforting as he could be when one of us needed it. He stopped struggling and looked at me with shining eyes. I wrapped my arms around his thin frame, almost instinctively, but he didn't object to it. He just dug his head into my shoulder, shuddering quietly.
"Was it a nightmare?" I asked carefully. We all knew by now Remus suffered from what I called 'nighttime horrors.' It was kind of hard not to know when you shared a room to sleep in with him. He finally told us what they were about once, after a lot of persuasion. He had been shy and embarrassed, but he told us he often dreamed he was the werewolf, and he had managed to kill someone he cared for, sometimes one of us, sometimes, a family member, other times a complete stranger. I had shuddered when he'd told us. I shuddered again now as he nodded his head into my shoulder. I gave him a squeeze.
"It's okay Remus. We'd never let you hurt anyone. We're always there for you on the full moon and any other time." He raised his now dry face, but I felt my shirt was now damp. My heart almost broke in half by the sight of him. He'd finally dropped the calm coating, utterly and completely, and the real Remus was on display for me to take in.
"You won't be there much longer though," he whispered, his voice scratchy and old sounding. "We're almost done here. You and the others will go on and get jobs and have lives. I'm just a werewolf, and I have to face the facts, I have no future."
"Don't say that," I rebuked firmly. I was getting used to using that tone with Remus that day. "We'll always be there for you no matter what. And you'll have a wonderful life. There are plenty of people out there willing to accept you like me and James and Peter and what about Dumbledore? I'll make people see you for who you really are if I have to."
A hand reached up to his face to stop a single tear that had started. It was so pale and fragile looking. "I'm so scared Sirius," he said for the second time that day. "Voldemort's out there and I'm a dark creature, you know. What if I'm swayed to his side?" I just watched him, in pain as he showed me his emotions so plainly, exactly what I had wanted him to do, I thought to myself bitterly. Why did I ever wish to see this? "My mum is sick now too." My mouth formed a small 'oh' of surprise. "I got the owl this morning," he continued. "My dad took her to St. Mungo's. He said she'd be just fine, but I'm still worried."
He dug his face back into my shoulder and I felt my shirt grow damper as I held him tighter. "I'm so sorry Remus," I whispered, unable to think of anything else to say for a moment. "I'm sure your mum will be okay, like your dad said. And I promise, I will never leave you alone and I will never let anything evil get to you ever. Voldemort will never get to you, your heart is too pure, don't you ever forget that. You are not just some werewolf, you are Remus Lupin, the nicest kid I have ever met who cares more about his friends and family than anyone in the world."
Remus didn't make another sound and I didn't dare to either. Occasionally his shoulders shook, but even that soon stopped. I stroked his soft brown hair with one hand while clinging to him with the other. I vowed to myself right then that I would never let go of him again.
----------------------
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their reviews. I really appreciated the feedback and I'm soo glad you all enjoyed this story. I was so worried as this is my first ever attempt at slash, but you guys really know how to boost someone's self esteem. Thanks a bunch! I hope you continue to tell me what you think and I can take brutal honesty, so if there's anything you don't like, let me know so I can improve on it. Thanks again.
