Finally getting those drugs out of his system was like seeing the sun after being kept underground. The relief of clarity was indescribable. Everything he'd experienced before had been like he was underwater, with everything around him muffled. But what hadn't been muffled were his nightmares. Those had been in high definition. And the worst part was that when he woke up, he realized he'd truly lived through all those things. They weren't nightmares, they were memories. And now that the drugs were gone, he would have to deal with everything.

Deeks was never alone in his hospital room and he wasn't really sure how he felt about it. Through his drugged haze, he was pretty sure he remembered Kensi being there, but he could've been wrong. She wasn't really the nurturing type, especially toward him. If he were being honest, he wouldn't be surprised if she slugged him on the shoulder and told him to suck it up. But then again, she had stood up for him with the doctors. Maybe her care only came out in extreme circumstances and once he was out of the hospital she would go back to normal. And that might be the best thing. Deeks didn't want everyone to treat him differently forever after this. It might not be something he had to deal with for long though, no matter what Hetty said during their talk.

Kensi was sitting next to his bed now. She wasn't trying to get him to talk, which he was grateful for. Deeks wasn't really in the mood to open up, even if his throat wasn't killing him. He knew Kensi was probably dying to hear the details of what happened, but he was relieved that she was showing some restraint. Everything was still too raw to deal with right now. It had been a while since he was on this side of a case. He had a bigger appreciation for what the people he took statements from went through now, since he knew that was going to be in his future. He knew he had to tell the truth, but how many details would he truly need to give?

Deeks would of course tell them about the drugging and being blitzed by Russ and Carly that first day. And the subsequent drugging while being chained to the bed. He'd go into the greatest detail when it came to their deaths, since that was the part that could be the trickiest when it came to the law, even though he knew everything he'd done was justified. But did he need to mention the other stuff? Nothing had happened, so it didn't matter, right? Deeks had stopped Carly before she went too far, but even the thought of it sent a shiver down his spine.

"Are you okay? Do you need something?" Kensi asked, shooting forward in her seat. He wasn't expecting her to be so attuned to his every move like that.

"I'm fine," Deeks mumbled, flicking his eyes over at her before quickly looking away. His mother had always told him that he had expressive eyes, which he used to his advantage during his undercover career. People were more likely to trust you if you looked earnest. But right now his defenses were lowered and he would give too much away. There was nothing okay about him right now.

"Are you sure? I can always call the doctor back if you need-"

"I said I'm fine!" Deeks snapped, feeling immediately guilty when he saw the look of hurt flash across her face. He didn't want to upset her and he knew she meant well, but Deeks couldn't take people not listening to his wishes right now. After being denied them for days, he just needed any bit of control back that he could get. "Kensi, I didn't-"

"No, I understand," Kensi brushed off, leaning back in her seat. He thought about pushing it and making sure things stayed smooth between them, but he just didn't have the energy for it. Admittedly, he was in pain. His head hurt, his stomach was throbbing, and each and every cut and bruise were making themselves known whenever he even thought about moving. The new meds genuinely weren't doing much, but he couldn't admit it. There was no way he would willingly go back to how it was before.

They sat in silence through another set of rounds by the nurse. She seemed nice enough, but so had Carly when he'd met her before. Deeks watched her like a hawk while she did her job, ready to stop her if anything didn't feel right. He'd always been friendly and jovial with people, especially when it came to women. It might've been a little sexist, and he knew that women could be just as cruel as men, but after his experience growing up, Deeks naturally gave women more of the benefit of the doubt. But now, no one felt safe. He'd been hurt countless times at the hands of men, but this one experience with Carly was worse than them all.

"Um," Deeks started after the nurse finally left, clearing his throat as his voice came out scratchy, "how long has it been?" Kensi looked surprised by the question and frowned a little bit before replying.

"Since the day you…" Kensi trailed off. When Deeks nodded, she continued. "We found you at the mission two days after we started the case. That was yesterday."

"Only three days?" Deeks asked in disbelief. He felt like he couldn't even remember a time before this all happened.

"I'm so sorry, Deeks. If I had known-" Kensi cut herself off, gripping her hands on the arm of her chair. Deeks wouldn't be surprised if they cracked. "We thought you were with LAPD." It was Deeks' own fault really that the team didn't know him well enough to know that it wasn't him texting. Especially after having been so flippant about it the other day in the bullpen. If he'd agreed to personally contact them before going off on an assignment, they would've known something was wrong immediately and found him before too much went down. But he hadn't, so all the blame rested on his own shoulders.

"I know," Deeks murmured. There was no use for regret now. It wouldn't help any of them feel better about what happened. Deeks would move past this just like he did with every other shitty thing in his life. His dad couldn't hold him down and neither would this.

"Mr. Deeks, it is wonderful to see you awake again," Hetty said, striding purposefully into the room in that way she had. "You had us all worried for a while."

"Sorry," Deeks mumbled.

"Oh, no need for an apology. We are all just relieved to have you back," Hetty replied. But were they? Would it really matter to them if they had to get a replacement? A real agent would probably fit in better than he ever did. "Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna will be in to visit soon. They are taking care of a few things at the mission first."

"Is everything okay?" Kensi asked.

"Nothing for you to worry about," Hetty waved off.

"You don't need to stay," Deeks said quietly. Kensi's head snapped back towards his and he saw the look of disappointment flash across her face. "I don't want to keep you from anything important."

"What could be more important than making sure my partner is okay?" Kensi asked seriously. Deeks hadn't been expecting how earnest she sounded and he was a little taken aback. Kensi was always the person who put up the tough front, even risking seeming cold instead of letting down her defenses. But now she was putting herself out there. And for him. Deeks wasn't sure what to think about that.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean-"

"I know," Kensi sighed. "Emotions are heightened right now and I get it. I'm good if you're good."

"We're good," Deeks agreed. If he could have at least one thing be easy, he would take it.

"Well, it's time for me to be getting back, now that I know you're in good hands," Hetty said, nodding approvingly at Kensi. "I'll be back later."

"Then we can finish our talk?" Deeks asked. He understood when she gently brushed him off before, because he wasn't in his right mind, but he'd meant what he said. Even if she didn't agree with him, he deserved to be heard.

"We will continue our discussion at a more appropriate time and place," Hetty said, walking out of the room before he could argue with her stalling answer.

"Is everything okay? Is it something I can help with?" Kensi offered.

"Not really. It's kind of Hetty specific," Deeks said.

"Oh," Kensi replied, looking a bit discouraged.

"I'm obviously going to have to take time off work because of this, so I wanted to talk it out a little with her," Deeks explained, even though that wasn't the whole truth.

"Right," Kensi nodded, relaxing back in her seat. "I hope you don't plan on taking too much time off though. I need my partner out there watching my back."

"Right," Deeks parroted. That wasn't really anything that Kensi would've said to him before, which made him feel a bit bitter. Is this what it took to earn his place by her side?

It was another hour or so before Sam and Callen showed up to the hospital. Deeks had been thinking about how he would play this, since they would be the trickiest. Callen was the one who could decide his future on the team, since he was lead agent. The man had always been the most willing to give him a shot, but that just seemed like his personality. He was about the job, not personal politics.

Sam though, that was the person Deeks was the most worried about. He'd never been shy about letting Deeks know that he didn't belong with them. If anyone would hold this whole ordeal against him, it would be Sam. Weakness wouldn't be tolerated and Deeks had never felt weaker.

"Hey Deeks, good to have you back," Callen greeted as they walked into the room.

"Yeah, Kensi was pretty insufferable. She didn't know what to do without you," Sam chuckled.

"Shut up," Kensi grumbled.

"Glad to be back. Couldn't let you guys miss me too much," Deeks grinned. He was exhausted and in pain, but he had to keep up appearances.

"I don't think there was any chance of that," Sam snorted. Well, at least they weren't treating him differently. If Sam had decided to pretend to like him, things might've been more dire than he thought.

"Any idea when they'll be letting you out of here?" Callen asked.

"Not sure," Deeks replied, clearing his throat. He hoped sooner rather than later.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you won't be breaking G's record," Sam said, bumping his shoulder against his partner.

"Let's hope not," Deeks chuckled, coughing when his throat protested.

"You alright?" Callen asked.

"Let me get you some water," Kensi said, jumping up to fill a cup from the pitcher next to his bed. "I should've offered you some earlier." She moved the tray so it was hovering over his lap and set the drink down.

All of Deeks' previous plans of putting on a front for the team flew out the window. Newly formed instincts took over and before he could even think about what he was doing, his hand shot out and knocked the cup off of the tray. The only sound in the room was the plastic clattering to the floor and Deeks' harsh breathing. This sure wouldn't help things get back to normal.