Everyone in the room was staring at him and it was making Deeks' skin crawl. He couldn't bear to look up and see the pity and disgust that was sure to be on all of their faces, but he could feel them just as clearly as he felt Russ slide the knife into his body. Somehow, this hurt worse.

"Deeks-" Deeks shook his head sharply, stopping Kensi before she could say more. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear anything from anyone. What was there to even say? If he opened up, they'd know what he was thinking and they could use it against him.

Maybe he could play this off? Typical goofy Deeks making a mess. Nothing else to see here. It would be easy for the others to accept it, because it would be less work for them to deal with. They'd never seen him as worth the effort before.

"Wow, what kind of muscle spasm was that?" Deeks rasped, plastering a thin smile on his face. "Good thing the cup was plastic, right?"

"Deeks-"

"I was going to ask to borrow a tablet or something to help pass the time, but that doesn't seem like the best idea now," Deeks joked. If he could distract them, things would be fine. "Remember that time I broke the phone Hetty gave me? I thought she was going to kill me."

"Deeks-"

"I don't even have a cell phone now, do I? It's probably in an evidence locker at this point. Good thing I don't keep anything personal in there. And I've always been good at remembering phone numbers, so don't worry about that."

"Deeks."

"Really, I am. You can quiz me on all of yours. Even Hetty's backup, backup, holy crap how did you get this number phone. I know the-"

"Deeks, calm down, okay? I need you to breathe," Kensi said, cutting off his ramblings. Why would he need to calm down? He was completely calm. And he was definitely breathing fine. But then he realized his lungs were starting to burn and his head was pounding and his vision was sort of blurry and what was happening? "In and out with me."

"What-"

"Don't worry about anything else, just focus on your breathing," Kensi said calmly. But Deeks thought he had been breathing and now that she was saying he wasn't, it was making things worse. Now all he could think of was that he was dying. He was supposed to be getting better, then something as stupid as a cup of water was going to kill him. But then again, that wasn't the first time he'd thought that.

"Can't- can't-" Deeks gasped.

"Yes, you can. Just one after the other," Kensi said, raising her hands into his line of vision. "Can I put my hand on your chest? And yours on mine?" Deeks heard a whining sound buzzing in his ears as he thought about Carly touching his body against his will.

"N-no," Deeks choked out. He didn't want to be touched ever again.

"Okay, that's fine," Kensi agreed, backing off a little. "How about this? I'll count down with my fingers and you'll breathe in until I get to zero. Then we'll do it again with the exhale."

"What?" Deeks couldn't follow along with what she was saying, too caught up in his own inner turmoil.

"Just watch what I'm doing, then try it yourself, okay," Kensi said encouragingly, breathing along with the timing of her fingers. It looked so simple as she did it, but actually doing it was much harder. Deeks' body was thrumming with tension and pain, which made anything he did feel like an assault. But if he didn't calm down and get his body back under control, would that mean the doctors would come in and do it for him? If he couldn't be trusted to keep himself alive in this hospital bed, would his choices be taken away again?

Deeks sucked in a harsh breath, coughing it out much sooner than Kensi's direction. She didn't seem bothered by that though, nodding in support.

"Just like that. You're doing so good," Kensi praised, keeping up with her counted breaths. Deeks stared at her fingers, finding it easier to focus on that than her face. He was still searching for the signs of disapproval he knew he'd see eventually.

Deeks wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, just breathing together. The only words spoken were the occasional ones from Kensi, encouraging him to keep going. Eventually his head cleared and his lungs relaxed, and Deeks flopped back onto his pillows in exhaustion. That hadn't been a fun experience and he was mortified that it had happened in front of Kensi. She'd never be able to look at him the same. He'd never be the person she'd trust to watch her back in the field.

"Are you okay?" Kensi asked, holding out a tissue in his direction. Deeks brought a shaky hand up to his face, feeling the tears he hadn't realized had fallen dampening his cheeks. Of course he was crying, because why should he keep any of his dignity?

"Yeah," Deeks whispered, taking the tissue and wiping his face with it. "Where did Callen and Sam go?"

"I sent them outside," Kensi said. Well, at least they hadn't seen all of that. "Do you want to talk about it?" Did he want to talk about it? Deeks didn't think he wanted to talk about anything really. He wanted to go back to how it was before this all happened. He should've been happy enough to be the butt of the jokes, because after this, he wouldn't even have that anymore.

"I, um," Deeks murmured, searching for the right words, "I panicked."

"Okay," Kensi replied, nodding for him to go on. "About what?"

"Carly, she-" Deeks choked out, feeling a bitter taste flash across his tongue at even saying her name. "She put drugs in my food."

"Oh Deeks, I'm so sorry. I had no-"

"Every single thing she gave me was laced and I couldn't stop her from forcing it down my throat," Deeks spat, unable to stop now that he'd started. "I tried to stop it, but she just suffocated me until I had no choice."

"We knew you were drugged, but we didn't know how," Kensi said quietly.

"The last time, I thought it was going to kill me," Deeks admitted, closing his eyes as he thought about how close to death he'd been. "I want- but I can't-"

"Will you let me try something?" Kensi asked, waiting until Deeks gave her a little nod before she moved. She went over to the side of the room where there was a sink and grabbed a cup that was sitting on the counter. Kensi held it up for him to see, then washed it under the faucet, scrubbing it down as best she could with the hand soap and paper towels available. She painstakingly dried it, giving him another look before refilling it from the tap, never blocking his view of it. Then she walked back over to his bed, replaced the tray back over his lap, and set the cup down.

All Deeks could do was stare at it, feeling overwhelmed by the effort she just made for him, even though she didn't have to do anything. He wouldn't have been surprised if Kensi had told him to suck it up when he admitted his fear to her, since it was so ridiculous. But she hadn't. She'd just done the first thing she could think of to make him feel more comfortable.

"I-"

"I can take the first drink also, if that will make you more comfortable," Kensi offered, and that did him in. Deeks felt the tears rolling down his cheeks as he couldn't hold back any longer. He'd never really been a crier, but these past few days had splintered the hard fought barriers he'd been building his whole life and there was no chance of him stopping everything that tried to slip through.

Kensi carefully put her hand on his shoulder and a desperate part of him, one that was screaming louder than the scared part, reached back. He pulled her closer to him, suddenly needing the comfort more than anything he'd needed in his life. So rarely had any comfort been just for him.

After his dad left them for good, Deeks felt the need to be strong for his mom, instead of letting himself be the broken kid he truly was. He didn't regret it, feeling the need to be who his mom needed, so she could pull herself up and live her best life. But that had started the trend of him downplaying his emotions so he could be there for everyone else. And he'd always been good at it too, laughing things off while another piece of himself shriveled up inside. Deeks had gone into careers where he served other people, but along the way he'd forgotten how to take care of himself.

"It's okay, I've got you," Kensi soothed, maneuvering the tray around so it wouldn't be in the way. She perched on the edge of the bed, letting Deeks guide her into a position he felt comfortable in. This wasn't Carly deciding to take what she wanted, no matter what Deeks said. This was Kensi, offering him the control he'd had stripped away without his consent.

He buried his face in her neck and wrapped his arms around her as best he could with all the tubes and wires he was attached to. She carefully smoothed things into better positions, making sure nothing pinched or pulled. The consideration just wrecked him even further, sending out a new wave of tears.

Kensi slid her legs up onto the bed alongside his, twisting so she could cradle his head, still mindful of the wound in his scalp. Deeks let his body relax as much as he was able to, putting his trust in Kensi that she would protect him in his moment of weakness. He just needed someone to take care of him for once, and with Kensi offering, he was powerless to resist. Deeks couldn't worry about what would happen after this, or what they would think of him. All he could think about was this moment and right now, he needed this. Everything else could wait.