He wasn't sure how long they stayed in the embrace, but Kensi didn't move until Deeks signalled he was ready. She moved back into her seat and helped him take small sips of the water, since his hands were shaking too much to handle the glass himself. Deeks still couldn't help but run his tongue along the inside of his mouth, feeling around for even the hint of grit. After that, they just sat quietly.

Deeks wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and get through as much of this hospital stay as possible, but sleep was also the last thing he wanted to do. That would make him too vulnerable, and even if Kensi insisted that she would not leave him alone, unforeseen circumstances could always pop up. She shouldn't even be put in that position in the first place, but Deeks wasn't able to deny it right now.

A few nurses came and went, but Deeks couldn't find it in himself to ask any questions about his care. Or about when he would be able to leave. Even though he wasn't tied to the bed, he didn't think hearing out loud that he couldn't leave would help him right now. It would remind him too much of Carly denying him his freedom. He just sat, sometimes counting along to the beeps of the monitors, other times watching the drips of the antibiotics in the IV. Anything that would distract him from thinking about everything that happened.

It was really no use though, since everything reminded him of Carly. From the nurses with hair almost the same shade of brown as hers. To the firmness of the mattress feeling just like the one he'd been tied to. Even catching a whiff of what smelled like the detergent she used on her linens. She was dead and gone, but alive and tormenting in his mind.

Deeks tried flooding his thoughts with the moments with Russ, since that was straight forward violence that he could wrap his head around. A few punches and even a stab were no big deal in the long run. In the grand scheme of his life, they were nowhere near the worst injuries he'd gotten. But trauma wasn't measured in the number of stitches you got, or how many days you spent in the hospital. It would be so much easier if it was.

"Deeks, do you need something?" Kensi asked, breaking him away from his gaze toward the ceiling.

"No," Deeks mumbled.

"Are you sure? You know how good I am at getting what I want. I'm willing to share the perks of that gift with you," Kensi grinned.

"Can you get me out of here?" Deeks asked. Kensi's face fell a little, since that was out of her hands. He appreciated her trying to lighten the mood, but he'd used up all his pretending with Callen and Sam.

"I don't know about that one, but how about we ask someone who might know?" Kensi offered, using a long finger to jab at the nurse call button next to his bed. A few seconds later one of the nurses popped into the room. "We'd like to speak to Dr. Harrington. Thank you." The nurse's smile shifted into something a bit more forced, but she nodded and left the room.

"Isn't it late?" Deeks murmured, squinting over toward the window. The blinds were drawn, but he could see the darkness behind them.

"I'm sure Hetty is compensating him well enough to be available whenever he's needed," Kensi shrugged.

"Right," Deeks huffed. Anyone who dealt with Hetty knew to do their best to not disappoint her. He was pretty sure he was on that list now. Hetty really must've had him on standby at all times, because it wasn't even five minutes before Dr. Harrington was walking into the room with a smile on his face. Deeks was sure he was a nice man, but he still wished to never see any of the hospital staff ever again once he left.

"Mr. Deeks, how are you feeling this evening?" Dr. Harrington asked, flipping through his chart to check for updates.

"We were wondering what the timeline for his release looked like?" Kensi asked for him. He sort of appreciated not having to talk, but also felt like he should be the one taking control of his own situation.

"I'll try not to take your eagerness to leave too personally," Dr. Harrington joked, clearing his throat when he got no positive reaction. "Well, I don't have a definitive answer right now, and won't without another thorough exam. I could schedule that for the morning, then we can figure things out from there."

"What's wrong with now? Only if Deeks is up for it, of course," Kensi suggested, looking over at him for his approval. "He's not exactly a typical patient, so I don't think there is a need to abide by standard business hours."

"I feel like this is one of those situations where it's best not to argue," Dr. Harrington chuckled, going over to the sink to wash his hands. "Mr. Deeks, would you like your friend to step outside during the exam?"

"No!" Deeks rushed out, before closing his eyes in embarrassment. While he didn't particularly want any witnesses, he also didn't want the doctor to try anything while he was alone. He knew it wasn't going to be anything like Carly, but he had vague recollections of being strapped down here and he didn't want a repeat now that he would be cognizant enough to remember all the details.

"I'll stay to the side," Kensi agreed easily, moving her chair away from the bed. She turned it so she was facing the front of the room, and not pointing toward him. But he knew her skills well enough to know that she was listening to everything and waiting to strike if something felt off.

"Okay, Mr. Deeks, I'm going to start off by checking your head wound. Has it been giving you any issues? Headache, nausea, disorientation?" Dr. Harrington asked, tipping Deeks' head slightly to get a better look at his wound.

"No," Deeks mumbled. He felt all of those things, but he doubted the head wound was to blame. It would be too easy to blame all this crap on a concussion, but unfortunately it was a lot more complicated than that.

"I'm going to check your wrists and palm next and change the bandages," Dr. Harrington said, unwinding the soft cloth. His wrists looked horrible and Deeks prayed that there wouldn't be a permanent reminder of this ordeal in such a visible place. People would always wonder if they saw something like that. "Everything looks to be healing normally. And no signs of infection."

Dr. Harrington checked his ankles next, which looked similar to his wrists. There were so many wounds littering his body, from superficial to significant, that it was hard to keep track. The doctor feeling around his throat felt unnecessary, until he remembered how he'd been strangled. And the probing of his jaw sucked, but Russ had gotten a few lucky hits in during their scuffles. Deeks hadn't seen himself since he escaped that house, but he figured he looked like hell, now that the bruises really had time to settle in.

"I think all that's left is the abdomen wound," Dr. Harrington said, slowly turning down the blanket. Deeks held his breath, feeling his muscles start to stiffen. "It's okay, you can relax."

Just relax. I'll do everything.

"Stop," Deeks whispered.

"It shouldn't be too uncomfortable. Just a quick look and light palpitation," Dr. Harrington assured him,

It's okay. It'll feel good, I promise.

"I don't want this," Deeks mumbled.

"Well, it's one of the most important factors in determining when you'll be able to leave the hospital."

Yes, you do.

"Please stop," Deeks gasped. He felt the air in front of him displace, but all he could see were Carly's hands touching him in places he didn't want to be touched. Deeks felt her all over him, like every inch of his skin had been marked by her poisonous fingertips.

"Deeks, it's Kensi. It's just me and you, okay? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

This way, we can all be together forever.

Something snapped in Deeks and all he could think to do was fight. He lashed out with both hands, because if they were free, he was going to take advantage of it. There was no plan or technique in his movement. Deeks just swung his arms wildly. He needed space and freedom. Touching was bad and he never wanted to be touched again.

"I'm calling an orderly."

"No, you're not! Back off and let me handle this!"

There were hands on his wrists and he couldn't let them tie him down again. He couldn't go back. He had escaped, hadn't he?

"I don't want this!" Deeks shouted.

"I know, Deeks, I know. And we're gonna calm down together just like we did before, okay? But I can't let you go until I know you won't hurt yourself. Pulling out your IV is never as cool as it looks on TV, you know." Deeks moaned, but tried to latch onto the voice he was hearing. It wasn't shrill and angry like the one that caused him so much torment. "And then if you rip any of your stitches, they'll have to redo them. I could always try, but you know how terrible I am at stuff like that. You'll end up looking like those crooked curtains I tried to sew."

"Kensi?"

"Kensi and Deeks. You got it, partner."

"Kensi." Deeks forced his eyes to focus on his surroundings, determinedly leaving the past where it belonged. Dr. Harrington was standing next to the door of the room, holding off a group of staff waiting to step in, in case he lost control. Kensi was sitting on the edge of the bed, still holding his wrist tight enough to stop him from doing too much, but not enough to hurt.

"There you are," Kensi sighed, nodding in encouragement. She'd helped him through another episode and he was mortified at how he seemed to constantly be falling apart. When would this end? When would he get better? "Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry, I-" Deeks started, cutting himself off with a choked off gasp when his gaze wandered above Kensi's left eyebrow. There was a scratch there that was just slightly dabbed with blood, but to Deeks, it was so much worse. "I hurt you."

"No, I'm fine. Deeks, that wasn't your fault," Kensi insisted, but there was no convincing him.

"I hurt you," Deeks moaned, blinking rapidly as his eyes filled with tears. After all Kensi had done for him, this is how he repaid her.

"It was an accident. You didn't do it on purpose."

Deeks had taken solace in the fact that he was the victim in all this, not the perpetrator. His hands weren't the ones that caused the damage. But that wasn't completely true. Russ had fought him and Deeks responded by giving as good as he got. Kensi was only trying to help him, and she'd gotten hurt for her efforts. And then Carly…

Had there been anything else he could've done? She was obviously unwell. Had she deserved a chance to get better? Was there another option he hadn't seen at the moment? He'd stabbed her in a place he knew would end his suffering and her life, but should he have aimed somewhere else? Had he made the right choice?

"It wasn't," Deeks choked out, closing his eyes in despair and resignation. "I killed her."


Author's Note: Deeks will get out of the hospital eventually, I swear. I just keep thinking about all the things that would happen in a hospital that he would have to deal with and it wouldn't make sense to ignore his reaction to it all. I hope this chapter isn't too similar to the last, but I felt like it was necessary to set up future scenarios that will come up in this story. Thank you to everyone who is still reading this story!