Deeks stopped responding to anyone after that, curling up on his side and staring at the wall. Kensi was trying her best not to freak out, but she was becoming a bit overwhelmed. Things had been getting better and this setback was like pulling the rug out from under her. It was nothing compared to what Deeks must be feeling.

Kensi understood what the guilt of taking a life felt like. They'd all felt it multiple times in their careers, some more personal than others. But this one was really hitting Deeks hard. It hadn't been confirmed before now what had happened, although that had been an easy conclusion. Two people were dead and only Deeks was left alive, so it made sense that he'd killed them. But what about this time was so different?

They'd all had to kill their way out of bad situations before, but Deeks was struggling. This ordeal had obviously been traumatizing in a way that Deeks couldn't just shrug off after the fact. So what all had he gone through? And would he ever tell her?

Kensi had already had the misfortune of experiencing someone spiral after a traumatic event and not be able to help them. She had to remind herself that Deeks was nothing like Jack and their relationship wasn't the same, but that was easy to forget. Past feelings of failure were bubbling up to the surface and threatening to overtake her, but she couldn't let that happen. Kensi needed to be strong for her partner.

"Excuse me, Ms. Blye? May I have a word with you out in the hall?" Dr. Harrington asked, peeking his head into the room. Kensi wanted to refuse and stay with Deeks, but she also wanted to hear what the doctor had to say. It had been a few hours since the failed exam and no one had been in since.

"Hey Deeks, I'm gonna go talk to the doctor, okay? If you need me, I'll be right outside the door," Kensi said, hoping to get a reaction. She didn't get one. Kensi held back her sigh of disappointment as she got up and joined Dr. Harrington in the hall. She didn't want Deeks to get the impression that she was angry with him, because she wasn't. She was just frustrated at the situation.

"This isn't at all what we usually do here, but most of this has been a bit unorthodox so far," Dr. Harrington started, glancing through the window at his patient.

"Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not really one for beating around the bush," Kensi prodded.

"Mr. Deeks, how it stands now, is on a fast track toward the psych ward," he replied bluntly. Kensi was about to bite his head off when he stopped her with a raised hand. "I'm not a fan of the idea either, but I'm letting you know the facts."

"Go on," Kensi ground out, holding her tongue for now.

"There are several factors right now that are concerning and impeding my ability to provide adequate care. For starters, his volatile emotional state."

"How about you get held captive for a few days and tell me how you feel afterwards?" Kensi argued.

"Again, I understand the cause and sympathize with his situation, but that doesn't change the fact that it is affecting the care Mr. Deeks is receiving. Setting aside the lack of proper medication, I'm also unable to perform physical examinations that are necessary."

"He was triggered and that's not his fault!" Kensi snapped.

"On top of that, he is also not eating or drinking enough. I appreciate the fact that you got him to drink a glass of water, but that isn't enough. We are quickly getting to a place where a feeding tube will need to be discussed."

"He will never go for that," Kensi sighed, shaking her head. She was pretty sure she knew where this was going, and it was nowhere good.

"I figured as much, which is why my hands will be tied in the not so distant future," Dr. Harrington said regretfully. "If we can't provide basic care due to Mr. Deeks' refusal, the options are going to be taken out of his hands."

"You can't do that. He just needs time," Kensi insisted.

"Time is running out. We can't ethically let him get worse when there are options to help him get better. If it's determined that medication will get the compliance we need to keep Mr. Deeks healthy, he may be put on an involuntary hold."

"You can't-"

"That's not what I want either. But we're getting to the point where what we want doesn't matter," Dr. Harrington said, shaking his head in defeat.

"So, what do we do? How do we avoid that option?" Kensi asked. There was no way she was going to let that happen to Deeks.

"Try to get through to him. You've been able to calm him more than anyone else, so use that to get him to communicate and explain to him what's going on. At this point, while he's in the hospital, it's about picking the lesser of two evils."

"Great," Kensi muttered, closing her eyes in resignation.

"I'm sorry to put this on your shoulders, but I think we're all willing to do whatever's necessary for the health and well-being of Mr. Deeks," Dr. Harrington said. "I'll hold off on any actions as long as I can, but the clock is ticking. The hospital isn't willing to let him get worse before we step in to try to get him better."

"I understand. Thank you for the heads up."

"You're welcome, and good luck," Dr. Harrington said, nodding before walking away and leaving her alone to deal with this heavy load. The stress of missions didn't even compare to what she was feeling now. Of course she cared about the people she helped and wanted to get them justice, but this was different. This was personal.

Kensi took out her phone and sent a quick text to Hetty that explained what was going on. Part of her wanted to do this on her own, but she couldn't put her pride ahead of Deeks' needs. There were resources available for her to use and it wouldn't be smart to not take advantage of them. Hetty responded that she would be on her way soon, so Kensi got to work.


Deeks was not catatonic. He was not "in a state." He was just taking a break. Hadn't he earned one? After everything, wasn't it okay for him to not be okay for a while?

He knew Kensi was concerned about this turn of events, but there wasn't anything left in him that would be able to comfort her. Deeks had hurt her, no matter what she said. The blood on her face was physical evidence of that hurt and there was no getting around that. He needed to figure out how to get control of himself so that never happened again. And the best way to stop himself from hurting anyone, was to not do anything.

It worked at first, because everyone was leaving him alone. Kensi stayed by his side, but she wasn't trying to get him to open up. Maybe he'd finally pushed her away for good and she was only there to wait until someone else could take over. The hospital staff was giving him a wide berth, which wasn't surprising. They had other patients who were much more amenable to their help that they could focus on.

If Deeks thought he could get away with it, he'd get out of the bed and check himself out of the hospital. He hadn't walked since they brought him into the hospital, but he'd had the fortitude to make it to the mission after everything that happened. All the wounds had been treated by now, so there was no reason for it not to be possible. There was just the issue of detaching these last few tubes and wires.

Dr. Harrington called Kensi out of the room and Deeks wanted to throw up, even though his stomach was empty. They were having meetings about him. He couldn't blame them, since he wasn't the easiest patient, but it still grated on his nerves. It was the same kind of tactic they used on suspects.

Maybe him admitting that he'd killed Carly changed things for everyone. And instead of the poor man who beat the odds, he was the possible perpetrator. Would Kensi come in with some new information to manipulate him? Deeks didn't want to believe that she would turn on him, but if this turned into her having to choose between him and her career, would he come out on top? This ordeal had made him very untrusting and he didn't see that changing anytime soon.

Kensi came back into the room and sat in her usual chair, but he could hear her shifting around a bit more than usual. She was obviously gearing up for something and the monitors next to his bed showed a spike in his heartbeat in response.

"What's it like going deep undercover?" Kensi asked out of the blue. Deeks was almost intrigued enough to respond out of habit, but held back. "I know what it's like to play a part for a while, but completely immersing yourself as another person for a significant length of time is sort of unfathomable to me. Especially when you have to do things that make you uncomfortable. What does it feel like to put everything you know and feel aside, just for the sole purpose of reaching whatever the goal is?"

"It's hard," Deeks whispered.

"But you find a way to do it anyway, even if it's hard. Even if it's terrible and it's something you should never have to do. At a certain point, you have to forget about that and push forward."

"What is it?" Deeks asked. This all had to be leading to something and he didn't need anymore lead-up. The longer Kensi stretched out whatever it was she needed to say, the more he was building it in his head into something terrible.

"The hospital is starting to worry that you aren't receiving adequate care like this. And they are willing to resort to more drastic measures."

"Which are?"

"Psych ward," Kensi said bluntly.

"They're gonna lock me up?" Deeks choked out, feeling his breath get caught in his chest. He couldn't go through that again.

"Hey, look at me," Kensi said, rushing over and squatting down in front of him. "You think I'm going to let that happen? I'll smuggle you out of here in a laundry cart before they can even try it."

"I can't- I can't let them," Deeks stuttered.

"And we're going to find a better solution. I've already called Hetty and you know she always has something up her sleeve. But until then, we need to figure out how to get them to back off."

"How?"

"I hate myself for even suggesting this, but you're gonna need to pretend. Treat this like an undercover assignment where you have no choice but to power through it."

"I don't know if I can," Deeks admitted. He'd tried so hard to be normal earlier, but it had obviously blown up in his face. And the added pressure was only making it worse.

"Who was the guy who almost got blown up with a car bomb, then still went in to finish the job with no backup? Who got his bike shot out from under him in the middle of the desert, then still came in when I needed him?" Kensi asked. "That was you. You've always been able to push through in any circumstance and I know you can do it again."

"Like a case?" Deeks mumbled.

"Exactly like a case. What do you say, partner?"

"What do I do?"

"Pardon the interruption, but I may have a solution."


Author's Note: I have zero experience with hospital policies and anything else surrounding what would happen in this type of situation, so take all of this with a grain of salt. Thanks to everyone sticking with me in this story.