Deeks sat in Kensi's front passenger seat as Kensi ran into her apartment to grab some things to bring to his place for her extended stay. Checking out of the hospital had gone as well as it could've, with the doctors and nurses not saying anything. But he could see the pity in their eyes. Poor guy was too traumatised to be able to stay in the hospital. Deeks tried to push those thoughts away, since he probably wouldn't see any of those people ever again, but it didn't change the fact that it was true.
Why couldn't he just power through everything and deal? What was wrong with him? He should've been the easygoing and docile patient he normally was, but he just couldn't. All the years he'd perfected the art of presenting that he was okay, but that skill had abandoned him recently. And it wasn't just after his captivity. Deeks had started slipping before that.
It felt so ridiculous that just a few days ago his biggest worry was about fitting in with the team. What he wouldn't give to go back to that. Deeks still had that feeling, but at least before he hadn't made a fool out of himself in front of everyone. It was different when he did something silly during a case and the others laughed at him. That was controlled and calculated. What they witnessed in the hospital was not.
How long was this little grace period going to last? Eventually NCIS would have to make a decision about whether or not he was fit to stay on the team. And if they asked for the opinions of his teammates, there was no hope for him. Kensi would probably go to bat for him, since she had in the hospital. Although, helping someone in need was a lot different than agreeing to trust them to watch your back.
Sam and Callen definitely would be relieved to see him go. It wouldn't be personal for Callen, since as team lead he had a responsibility to make sure he had the best people possible for the job. And since Deeks had been pretty much thrust on him in the first place, it wouldn't look bad on him that the experiment failed. Sam, on the other hand, would boot him with glee. Deeks had never been accepted by him and this would just solidify the fact that he wasn't good enough. It had been an unwinnable fight from the beginning, literally and figuratively. And Sam always came out on top, leaving Deeks the loser.
He thought back to his discussion with Hetty in the hospital room. Sure, he'd been drugged to the gills and feverish, but he remembered what he said and meant it too. Hetty might not have liked what he said, but it still might be the best course of action. Leaving on his own terms was a lot better than getting booted.
"Hey, you good?" Kensi asked, startling him from his thoughts. She'd already put her bag in the back of the car and climbed into the driver's seat without him even noticing. No wonder he'd been able to be so easily blitzed by Carly.
"Yeah, just resting my eyes," Deeks mumbled.
"Ah, the first sign of becoming an old man. Am I going to find a bowl of hard candies on your coffee table?" Kensi chuckled, pulling back into traffic.
"Nah, had to give those up due to the dentures," Deeks smirked. "Wanted to keep them for the grandkids, but the temptation was too powerful." He watched as Kensi's face lit up in response to the light hearted banter. Had she really missed it? Maybe their friendship wasn't as strained as he feared when they were at the mission.
"Where do they even get those things? There is never a brand on the packaging."
"I think they all just get them at some secret meeting when you reach a certain age."
"A bit of mystery to make the later years more fun?" Kensi wondered, snort laughing at her own joke. Deeks leaned his head back and smiled a little as Kensi went on a tangent about more ideal choices for table candy. He wasn't really paying attention, but it was nice to have the conversation around him be about nothing, instead of about something serious. It reminded him of some of the better times in the bullpen, where no one was making jabs at anyone, or at least not anything too mean spirited. Deeks was just so tired of being the butt of the joke. And with the new material he'd just given them, it would be worse than usual if he went back. He didn't think he'd be able to handle that.
"We're here," Kensi said, pulling into a spot that wasn't quite legal.
"Don't blame me when you get towed," Deeks warned, carefully unbuckling his seatbelt.
"I'll move it once you're settled inside," Kensi brushed off. There hadn't been much distance between the wheelchair and the car, but it still sucked climbing in. Deeks hadn't been in the hospital for that long, but his legs felt like jello the first time he put weight on them. Getting to his apartment wasn't going to be easy, but he was determined to do it. He was aching to be in the sanctity of his own space.
Kensi jogged around to his side of the car and opened the door, ready to help him get out. Deeks shifted his legs over, wincing as his stomach throbbed in protest. The painkillers he'd gotten at the hospital were wearing off, but he was determined to not take any of the pills that were sitting in the little white bag in the backseat. It was going to be hard enough to force himself to take the antibiotics.
"Here, put your arm over my shoulder," Kensi directed, hunching down so it would be easier for him.
"You don't need to do that," Deeks waved off, but Kensi didn't back down.
"You think I'm going to let you do this on your own? Hetty would kill me."
"Nah, she can't afford to be down two people," Deeks scoffed, clamping his mouth shut at Kensi's pointed stare. "Alright, alright." Deeks took a deep breath and threw his arm over Kensi's shoulders, immediately bracing his stomach wound with his other hand.
"Let me know when you're ready to stand," Kensi said, staying in her position until Deeks gave the okay. He never really appreciated all the work that abdominal muscles had to do until now. It wasn't just about looking good and having a flat stomach.
"Now I really seem like an old man," Deeks muttered, panting a little in exertion as they finally started walking. How did he go from running miles every day to this? Right now, it felt like he'd never get back to that.
"At least you still have your hair," Kensi chuckled, pausing to give him a breather once they got to the few steps leading up to his floor. Deeks used to go up and down these like they were nothing, but now it was like he was standing at the bottom of a mountain. "One at a time, okay?"
"Yeah," Deeks sighed, leading with his good side and going for it. The pain in his stomach made his vision black out for a moment and he probably would've gone down if it hadn't been for Kensi's firm grip. Deeks did not remember hurting this badly during his escape from the house, but shock and relief probably dulled his senses and blurred his memory.
"You good?" Kensi asked, looking over at him in concern.
"Never let a guy stab you in the gut. I promise you, it isn't fun," Deeks groaned, blowing away a drip of sweat that landed on his lip.
"I believe you," Kensi replied, wincing in sympathy.
"Let's keep going. If I stop, I'm never gonna start again," Deeks grunted, gritting his teeth in determination.
"Here we go," Kensi agreed. Deeks unashamedly let Kensi do most of the work, leaning on her like a crutch. If the roles were reversed, he would carry her as much as she let him, which probably wouldn't be much. But for now, the pull to get through this was much stronger than feeling embarrassed.
"I'm sorry I smell so bad," Deeks choked out a little breathlessly.
"Are you kidding me? I bet I smell terrible. They'll probably have to tape off this stairwell for deep cleaning," Kensi laughed, giving herself a whiff. "Remember how bad we smelled after that case in the desert with the Marines? Screw Hetty's shower timer."
"I remember," Deeks murmured. He remembered almost getting blown up and no one asking if he was okay. Deeks didn't really feel like talking anymore.
They went the rest of the way in silence. Kensi pulled out a key to his door that he knew he hadn't given her, but he didn't care about that at the moment. He was finally home.
"Bedroom?" Kensi asked, turning them sideways so they could slide inside.
"Couch," Deeks replied, tipping his head to the much closer point of relief. He sighed as he finally sank down into the soft cushions. It smelled like home, unlike the disinfectant smell of the hospital or the overly floral scent of Carly's.
"I'm gonna go move the car and grab my stuff, but I'll be back in two minutes. You okay?" Kensi asked. Deeks nodded in confirmation, watching her hesitate before finally leaving. He took the few moments of peace to look around the room.
Everything was how he'd left it, which felt wrong somehow. It was as if his stuff didn't match him anymore. That surfboard in the corner belonged to the goofy guy who tried to spend every free moment at the beach. The half finished book on the end table was for the guy who sometimes decided that a night spent reading sounded more fun that a night spent out on the town. Now he couldn't even recall what the book was about.
The world around him had kept going, but nothing had changed. His neighbor still left their muddy shoes on their welcome mat. The street light outside of his window still flickered if the wind hit it just so. The top step of the stairwell still creaked if you stepped on the center of it instead of the side.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that everything and everyone else got to keep going without a second thought. Nothing had changed for anyone else, but it felt like everything had for Deeks. He was different now and he desperately wanted to go back to how he had been. He wasn't perfect, but he had been comfortable. Now there was always an itch under his skin that wouldn't go away.
Deeks might be free, but he was still trapped.
Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait again. Life caught up with me and blah blah, all those other excuses. This was originally going to be a longer chapter that introduced Deeks' nurse, but it felt right to stick to how he was feeling now that he was out of the hospital, before moving onto other things.
