A/N – More shout-outs than your average episode of "Lost"! My apologies to:

Wes Anderson, Jean-Paul Gaultier, Polly Moopers from PPN, Margaret Mitchell, Gurinder Chadha and of course, Claude.

In response to Tango: All in good time, the artistic process can be a slow one!

ETA: Whoops! Forgot another 3 Very Important Credits – Bret Easton Ellis, George Lucas (who really should not be given credit where-ever possible) and of course my personal hero Tango for the clever line at the end…


"Don't just look at it Erik, eat it!" I mutter, leaning back into my pillow.

"But it tastes…fishy. Is it meant to taste like that? Are you sure you washed it properly, before?" he replies, his normally resonant voice muffled and, well, more than a little angsty.

"Just what exactly are you implying, hmmm? That I have less than delicate sensibilities? That I am a hot-bed of unhygienic practices? I told you! I gave the tureen a thorough scrubbing after we finished the bouillabaisse. There are no traces of the life aquatic in your vichyssoise!" I hissed. "And yes it's meant to be served cold! Now hurry up and finish your dinner, brush your teeth and come to bed. I want to get off before 10, I have rehearsal tomorrow, remember?"

My beloved, always highly alert to the potential for reciprocal benefits, quickly un-stuffs the serviette from his mouth – a crude fish-filter? Feigned propriety? Who can tell, the man's a diagnosed lunatic. Soup is promptly finished, fangs – er – incisors promptly scrubbed, a quick smell-check and he joins me under the sheets.

"Mmmmm, what's that new cologne you've got again?"

This hint of wifely interest is the only trigger he needs to assume his 'expert lover' pose. As if. Before I showed interest he was strictly material for Professionals Only.

"It's called Mariposa de Muerte. 'Butterfly of Death'. Gaultier!"

"Oh" I feel deflated. Gaultier perfumes tend to bring me out in a rash.

"Well, let's get busy then. I'd like a No.2 Special please, chop chop!"

He starts heading down to the appropriate area but I can hear him grumbling beneath the duvet. I know it's not entirely fair that only I get to have fun tonight but the prospect of being covered in a rash smelling of "Death" somewhat lessens my interest in what he wants.

More grumbling, though it seems he is getting the job done……

"OUCHHHH! Be careful you idiot!" I emphasise my point with a kick.

His flushed and somewhat irritated face pops out. "You said to hurry didn't you? Maybe I should just use the orbital sander and have done with it"

"You behave yourself, or I'll take the other one!" I point behind us to the shelf above our bed-head. There sits a little jar, snugly bedecked with ribbons from my bridal bouquet. Inside safely swims Erik' left testicle, which I extracted from him on our wedding night as a guarantee for a long and happy marriage. Granted, he won't let me look at buying another letter-opener again, but I think that's a sacrifice I can live with. I just let him open the mail instead.

"You know, this shared-bed set-up is really NOT FUN when you're like this. I think the rats were better company. Why did you marry me anyway?"

"Why, Erik! To keep you for a pet!" I snark.

We turn over, backs to each other, the night' festivities now clearly at an end. And the muttering continues.

Should've stayed a ghost…." And similar.

"Yeah well, No Life without Wife, baby!"

Silence.

"Kitten?"

"Yessssss?"

"After rehearsal tomorrow, can you buy me a sack of barley seeds?"

"I'll see."

"Thankyou"

"I have to get the new issue of Vogue Living anyhow"

Resigned sigh. And minutes later, familiar gentle snoring drifts into the night.

Kill Report#2: Claude – Erik's Left Testicle

Age at Time of Death: Oh, let' say…38

Time of Death: 1.07am March 23

Means of Death: Detachment by letter-opener as consideration referable to the marriage contract

Deceased is Survived By: Francis – Erik's right testicle (38 and a half).

Next Time on The Immaculate Lives of Innocent Murderers: Christine considers the virtues of allowing Erik to continue pursuing his career as an Installation Artist.