"Hetty just texted that she's on her way over with your nurse," Kensi shouted from his kitchen. Deeks immediately tensed up at the idea. He knew that was part of the deal of letting him go home, but he wasn't happy about it. Deeks was so tired of strangers touching him. Even when Kensi accidentally brushed against him, he wanted to crawl out of his skin.

"Yeah," Deeks sighed, because what else could he say? He was too weak to be in control of his own universe.

"Apparently Hetty has known her for years. Even used her help when she broke her leg about a decade ago," Kensi continued.

"What are you doing in there?" Deeks asked. Kensi had disappeared into his kitchen soon after she came back in from moving the car. He couldn't even remember what kind of food he had. Was he gone long enough for everything to spoil?

"Warming up some broth for you to try."

"Where'd you find that? It's probably so old."

"Hetty dropped off supplies. She fully stocked the kitchen so we wouldn't have to go anywhere for a while," Kensi replied, walking back into the living room carrying a steaming mug. "She even brought my favorite ice cream. I don't know how she does it."

"Oh," Deeks murmured. It was only Hetty and she was doing him a huge favor, but he still felt off knowing that someone had been in his apartment without him knowing. If she'd decided to snoop around, he would probably never know. There was no big secret to uncover, but it was the principle of the matter.

"I'm not much of a cook, so I'm not sure if you're supposed to add anything to broth to jazz it up. The packaging looked fancy enough, so I just left it as is," Kensi explained, holding the mug for him to take. When he hesitated, she pulled it back. "I should make sure it isn't too hot." Kensi took a sip, scrunching her nose in contemplation. Deeks knew what she was doing.

"What's the verdict?" he asked.

"Needs a minute to cool," Kensi determined, setting the mug on his coffee table.

"Hey Kens?" Deeks started, carefully shifting so he was facing her a little more.

"Yeah?" Kensi replied eagerly, tucking one leg under herself on the couch.

"I wanted to thank you again for everything you've been doing for me. I know I thanked you earlier, as we were leaving the hospital, but it wasn't enough," Deeks said sincerely. "I don't remember everything from some of those earlier moments, but what I do remember is that you were there every time. I'm not sure what I would've done without you, so thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. Of course I was there," Kensi insisted. "We're partners." Deeks couldn't help but let his face fall a little at that last sentence. There was just something about how everyone around him talked about partnership with such high regard. Like it was the end all be all. And if he just took into account the past few days, he would completely agree that Kensi was the best partner he could ask for. But adding it to everything else put it in a different light.

The word itself made him think about work, which made him think about how things usually were. Their partnership wasn't a friendship. So hearing her base her help on their partnership just made him feel like she was here out of obligation. Even if that was the case, Deeks still appreciated Kensi for being there. She didn't have to be either way. But God, didn't he ache for a real connection after all this. To have someone say that they were there for him because they cared and nothing else.

"Fancy broth, eh?" Deeks asked, reaching over to grab the mug. He could set everything else aside for now. The sooner he got better, the sooner Kensi would be free from her burden. Finally eating something would be a good first step.

"So fancy that it didn't even come in a can. It was one of those glass jars," Kensi confirmed. It sounded more tamper-proof than the kind that came in a carton, and Kensi hadn't shown any ill effects in the few minutes since she took a sip, so Deeks figured it was safe enough. He took a tentative sip, wincing as he swallowed the warm liquid down his still sore throat. It wasn't as painful as it had been, after his near strangulation. And the broth did seem to help a bit.

"It's good," Deeks murmured, feeling his stomach cramp a little in anticipation of more substantial food. It felt like it had been so long since he'd eaten real food that wasn't forced on him.

"There's more in the kitchen, whenever you're up for it."

"Don't be afraid to go eat something yourself. Seeing you eat real human food won't bother me."

"Are you sure? Because that rocky road has kind of been calling my name," Kensi said, biting her lip a little. Deeks waved his hand in the direction of the kitchen, giving her the go ahead. She had just stood up when a knock on the door startled them both. Deeks could barely do more than tense up, but Kensi pulled out a gun from nowhere and had it pointed at the door in the blink of an eye. "Don't move."

"Not an issue," Deeks muttered, bracing his wound as he shifted into a better position to fight, if necessary. Kensi crept to the door with her gun at the ready, keeping to the side.

"Who is it?" Kensi asked firmly through the door.

"You can stand down, Ms. Blye," Hetty's voice replied. Kensi sighed, tucking her gun back into its spot as she opened the door. Hetty was standing outside of his apartment with a woman just a few inches taller than she was. She had her mostly grey hair pulled back in a tight bun and a severe look on her face.

"Can't be too careful," Kensi shrugged, moving to the side so they could enter. Deeks deliberately focused on keeping his breaths even as they walked into the room, standing on the other side of the table from him. It wasn't like he was scared of this woman, but he wasn't going to be stupid enough to let his guard down again. He'd learned that lesson the hard way.

"Mr. Deeks, I'd like you to meet your nurse, Mrs. Ruth Haniger," Hetty introduced. The nurse nodded politely, but didn't say anything. She gave him the same sort of vibes that Sam did, so it set him even more on edge.

"Nice to meet you," Deeks mumbled, staring up at the woman a bit warily. He hated that he was the only one sitting, feeling at a distinct disadvantage.

"Ms. Blye, would you mind stepping into the kitchen with me for a moment to discuss something?" Hetty asked, turning and walking away before she got an answer. Deeks flicked his eyes to Kensi briefly as she gave him a regretful look and walked off. She could've at least slipped him her gun first.

"So, how do you know Hetty?" Deeks asked, not sure what else to say.

"I'm afraid I can't say. Discretion and confidentiality are important in my line of work," Nurse Haniger replied. "You will get the same consideration."

"Okay," Deeks mumbled, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He appreciated that she wouldn't be telling people all of his secrets, but the way she said it was so short that it was kind of grating.

"I was given a list of your injuries and current medications. You've decided to avoid heavy painkillers?"

"Is that a problem?" Deeks ground out, gearing up for a possible fight.

"Not at all. I just need to know if that is a personal choice or due to an addiction issue. I like to be aware of any boundaries," she replied calmly.

"Personal choice," Deeks said quietly. He felt bad that he was giving her a hard time when she was only here to help him, but he still didn't have a handle on his emotions yet. If he could choose for himself, he'd be alone, but that wasn't possible yet.

"Look, let's just put our cards out on the table," Nurse Haniger said, relaxing her stance just a bit. "I'm not here to control your recovery, just help you along with whatever you need. You are in charge. I will add my input where it's needed and help with whatever care you need, but ultimately you make the decisions. Obviously that will change if you are no longer of sound mind, but as long as you are able to make choices for yourself, you will retain that right."

"Really?" Deeks asked, a bit surprised at all that. The staff in the hospital seemed to want to control his every move, even going as far as threatening him with a psych hold. Did he really trust this woman to let him do his own thing?

"To a certain point. I'm afraid I will have to oppose you getting back on that surfboard anytime soon." Deeks was surprised when a brief smile flashed across his face. He hadn't been expecting any sort of joke. It didn't put him completely at ease, but a little tension left his shoulders.

"Saltwater is good for cleaning out wounds though," Deeks pointed out.

"Sure, but sand isn't, which is what you'll be covered in when you overexert yourself and sink like a stone. Swimming isn't really my favorite."

"You live this close to the ocean and you don't like swimming?" Deeks asked in bewilderment. That seemed like such a waste.

"I haven't always. Mine and my husband's careers took us all over."

"Which branch?"

"Army for me and Marines for my husband. Am I that obvious? Most people can't see past the grey hair and wrinkles."

"I'm around it enough to be able to spot it," Deeks replied, thinking of the Navy SEAL he sat next to at work. "Must've been hard."

"At times," she admitted. "But it just made our time together that much more precious. Now we're together all the time and we find new things that annoy each other everyday." Deeks snorted at that, then hissed when it sent a flare of pain up his side. He clenched his jaw as his abdomen burned.

"Dammit."

"Slow, even breaths, okay?" Nurse Haniger said, suddenly at his side. Deeks jumped in surprise at her close proximity and made the pain worse. She held her hands out at her sides, making sure to keep them in sight and away from him. "I'm not going to touch you, but try to listen to my instructions. Breathing through the pain is best, since holding it just makes you tense up even more. Think of it like a woman in labor." Deeks huffed out a laugh, feeling ridiculous at that comparison. He sucked in a slow breath, letting his stomach relax more and more as he rode out the pain. He felt exhausted and sweaty by the time he could breathe without thinking about it.

"Thank you," Deeks murmured, swiping at his forehead. He felt disgusting.

"Don't mention it."

"Everything okay in here?" Kensi asked, hovering in the doorway of the living room. Hetty was standing in front of her with an unreadable expression on her face.

"Yeah," Deeks replied, finding it was actually true. Talking with Ruth had felt easier as they went on, like he was just talking to any other person on the street. He had been afraid that he'd never be able to get to that point with anyone again, but maybe he wasn't as bad off as he thought. That wasn't to say that he was ready to go out on the town, but casual conversation was a good step, right?

"Well, I must be going. The longer your fellow agents are left to their own devices, the more work I have in the long run," Hetty said, walking toward the door, but stopping next to the couch first. "I'll be sure to check up on you later."

"Alright," Deeks sighed, watching her go. He was still pretty set on his decision at this point, but that wasn't a conversation to have right now. That could wait until he was actually strong enough to go back to work, wherever that ended up being.

"How do you feel about getting cleaned up a bit?" Nurse Haniger suggested. "Being comfortable is important for recovery." Deeks felt his palms immediately go clammy. Someone had obviously bathed him at the hospital, since he knew he hadn't been able to get all of the blood off himself in Carly's bathroom, but he didn't want to think about that. It felt too similar to what Carly had done while he'd been drugged. But now he was awake and could resist, which every fiber of his being was screaming at him to do.

"Um…"

"Don't worry, I'm not talking about giving you a sponge bath," she assured him. "How about I show you what I've got set up in the bathroom?" How did she already have something set up in his bathroom? There wasn't really any getting around this for long though. He needed to just suck it up and get it over with.

"Deeks?" Kensi asked, standing at the ready. If he said the word, Kensi would probably choke her out, which gave him a bit of comfort.

"Help me up?" Deeks asked, holding one of his arms out. Kensi immediately came over, skirting around the nurse so she could crouch by his side. Deeks painfully stood, panting through his nose at the renewed ache. They shuffled along to his small bathroom, all of them cramming inside. Deeks felt a few tendrils of panic crawl up his spine at the feeling of being trapped. He needed to get out.

"You okay?" Kensi asked, looking at him in concern. His legs suddenly felt weak and he wobbled, so Kensi set him down on the edge of his bathtub. "Deeks!"

"Just give him a moment," Nurse Haniger said. Kensi gave her a sharp look, but listened to her suggestion. He wanted to push both of them out, but what if they decided to lock him in? There was no window to jump out of if they did. But why would they do that? They wouldn't. They wanted to help him, not hurt him. And not in the way Carly claimed to.

"I'm okay," Deeks whispered, nodding his head at Kensi to let her know he was being honest.

"Ms. Blye, would you mind getting Mr. Deeks a change of clothes while I go over the plan?" Nurse Haniger requested. Deeks barely stopped himself from grabbing her wrist and making her stay. Nothing was going to happen.

"I'm good," Deeks assured her, letting her go off.

"So, here's what I'm thinking. Standing up in the shower is probably a no-go for now, so you're actually right where I want you," Nurse Haniger said, grabbing a pile of towels from a cabinet. "Hetty was nice enough to set up a detachable showerhead, so you'll be able to sit and wash up."

"Won't that get water everywhere?" Deeks mumbled. He was beginning to feel like an invalid.

"Water can be wiped up. And we can discuss a real shower seat later."

"That seems like too much," Deeks scoffed. "I'm not that bad off."

"My husband took some shrapnel to the knee on one tour. Started using a shower seat when he couldn't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time. Still uses it occasionally."

"I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"We get this idea in our heads that accepting any help is a sign of weakness. But sometimes admitting that you need a little assistance along the way is the strongest thing you can do." Deeks nodded, because he didn't really have anything to say in response. She was right, but it was still a hard thing to do in reality. "I've got a shower brush with a long handle, so you don't have to reach as far. Infant body wash, but don't turn your nose up at it. You'll appreciate how gentle it is if any soap gets into one of your cuts."

"Got it," Deeks agreed.

"I'm going to be waiting right outside the door. I'd appreciate verbal check-ins every few minutes. I will not enter the room unless you ask for help or I don't hear from you within a few moments of asking. How does that sound?"

"I think I can handle that," Deeks replied.

"Everything okay?" Kensi asked, popping back up in the doorway with his stack of clothes.

"Yeah," Deeks confirmed. "Can you put those on the toilet where I can reach them?"

"Sure," Kensi said, hovering after she finished her task. "Do you want me to do anything?"

"Go eat your ice cream."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Deeks nodded, smiling to let her know that he was really okay. He needed to do this part on his own. He had to be in control of his body again.

Deeks sat for a few minutes after they both left and shut the door, just staring down at his chest. His shaky fingers slowly started unbuttoning his shirt, exposing the bruising and bandaged wound. It wasn't Carly stripping him of his dignity. His socks came off next, the fabric catching against the gauze that covered the marks from being strapped down like an animal.

He left the hardest part for last, feeling his lip quiver from pain and anger as he carefully slipped off his pants, leaving him naked for the first time since a moment he didn't recall and never wanted to think about. Deeks couldn't even bear to look at his body, feeling like it didn't belong to him anymore. All he could feel were Carly's hands on him, touching him where she had no right to.

Would he ever feel normal again? Be able to make love without feeling disgust? Would people be able to look at him and know he'd been ruined? Deeks turned on the water as hot as he could stand it, needing to get himself as clean as possible. Even if his insides would be soiled forever, that didn't mean there had to be any evidence of it for anyone else to see. No one ever needed to know what really happened. Deeks would take his secrets to the grave.


Author's Note: Sorry this chapter took so long. I had to reread this story to get a better feel for it again. I'm pretty sure I figured out where it is going now, so hopefully the updates won't be so slow after this.