"I'll be fine Kensi, really," Deeks sighed, looking up at her as she paced the length of his living room. It had only been two days since his talk with the detectives and Kensi had been giving him strange looks ever since. He'd known he let too much slip while he was in the hospital, but he wasn't going to admit to any of it now. The official records showed the story and he was not going to deviate from it. It wasn't like he was worried that Kensi would call them up and snitch on him, but he didn't want her to see him as a victim. Deeks wasn't a victim.

"I still think it's too soon," Kensi muttered, gnawing at her thumb nail.

"Hetty needs you for this op. You've missed enough work as it is because of me," Deeks reminded her.

"Don't say it as if I wasn't exactly where I wanted to be," Kensi snapped, deflating after a moment and running a hand down her face. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Deeks waved off. They'd both had their moments of being short with each other, but they understood it was the stress of the situation. These small bursts of anger felt like they were actually helping their relationship in the long run, as weird as it sounded. They were getting comfortable enough to show their emotions and they were also quick to forgive. A couple of weeks ago Deeks would've internalized everything with a fake smile plastered on his face. They still weren't having long heart to hearts, but this was progress.

"I'm sure the op can wait. Or Hetty can find someone else."

"You are the most qualified and you know it. Maybe you wouldn't be in this position if you weren't so good at your job," Deeks teased, earning himself an eye roll. "Besides, you knew this day was coming. My landlord is pretty relaxed, but I don't think he'd be happy with me moving someone in without his permission."

"As if Hetty couldn't handle that," Kensi scoffed.

"Really Kens, I'm okay. I finished all of my antibiotics and Ruth said my stitches look good. I'm just going to be sitting here watching TV." Although he ached for the ocean, he knew that was still a ways off. The last thing he needed was to get sand in his wound and set himself back.

"Maybe I can see if Sam or Callen can come over while I'm gone?" Kensi mumbled, going back to chewing on her finger.

"Yeah right," Deeks snorted, rolling his eyes at the idea. That was just what he needed. Sam calling out every weakness he spotted and Callen's tactless commentary.

"Why'd you say it like that?" Kensi questioned, eyeing him suspiciously.

"I mean, I'm sure they're busy with work as well," Deeks brushed off.

"That's not all it sounded like."

"And what else would there be?" If Kensi had something to say, she needed to come out and say it. No beating around the bush to try to coax something out that Deeks didn't want to share.

"It sounded like you don't think they would be willing to help you," Kensi challenged. Deeks bristled at the statement that hit a bit too close to home.

"Again, I don't need help, so this conversation is pointless."

"I don't think it is," Kensi sighed, pausing to stand on the other side of the coffee table from him. If he kicked it into her shins, he might have a chance of getting away from this talk. "You know they've been texting me to get updates on you."

"To find out how much longer they'd be down an agent," Deeks said before he could stop himself.

"Of course that's not why! They want to make sure you're okay," Kensi argued. Deeks exhaled in annoyance, pinching the bridge of his nose. People always saw near death experiences as some sort of clean slate, but all the same shit was still there as before. It was naive to think that Callen and Sam would see him differently after this. Especially in a positive way.

"Kensi, can we stop pretending here? It really isn't necessary," Deeks requested in exasperation. "You know I've never been part of the team."

"That's not true!" Kensi gasped, shaking her head in denial. Deeks shot her a dubious look. "They were terrified when we found you at the mission. Sam even carried you to the car and kept pressure on your wound on the way to the hospital."

"Just another example of me not being good enough in his eyes," Deeks scoffed. "They've never seen me as good enough to work by their sides."

"That- that's not-"

"Kensi. Let's quit lying to ourselves here," Deeks sighed. She'd been trying to get him to open up, ever since the morning that started this whole thing. But now that he was being honest, she didn't like what she was hearing. People rarely wanted the honest truth. "I've always been the one on the outside. And I get it, I really do. I was filling a spot that shouldn't have been vacant." Kensi looked away at the mention of her former partner.

"It's not like that."

"I'm used to people not liking me. I mean, you see what happened with Detective Price," Deeks laughed bitterly. "But what I can't have is people pretending to care out of pity."

"They don't pity you! Worry is not the same as pity," Kensi argued.

"It doesn't really matter what you call it. What's happened to make them change their view of me? Was almost dying the key to earning my spot?"

"That's awful," Kensi chastised. "You could've died, but you didn't. You survived."

"And that's what it took? I had to go through that to gain their respect?"

"That's not what I said. You're twisting my words."

"Well, it may not matter much longer anyway," Deeks muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kensi demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Kensi."

"Are you quitting NCIS?"

"Kens."

"That's what you talked to Hetty about in the hospital," Kensi huffed, tipping her head back to stare at the ceiling. He wasn't going to lie to her and tell her she was wrong. Deeks was so tired of lying. "Unbelievable."

"What do you want me to say, Kens? What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Deeks challenged. Kensi didn't know what it was like to be him. He'd dealt with so much shit in his life and he always rolled with the punches. But everything that happened with Carly just tipped the scales and he was so tired of fighting an uphill battle. Why did everything have to be a struggle? Didn't he deserve something easy for once?

"I wouldn't give up. I wouldn't quit," Kensi snapped.

"I guess that's why you have their respect and I don't," Deeks said simply. Kensi deflated, hanging her head in disappointment. She slowly walked to his front door, keeping her back to him as she rested her hand on the knob.

"Do you think I've been here because I want to be, or out of guilt?" Kensi asked quietly. Did he say that he knew it started off as guilt, but that he hoped that it had changed by this point? Did he say that he had a hard time trusting anyone right now? Was there any answer that he could say with confidence that she would accept?

In the end, he said nothing, and he watched Kensi walk out the door.


Kensi was pissed. Scratch that, she was infuriated. She was everything in the thesaurus that pointed to not good. How could Deeks think those things about the team? About her? After all the time she'd spent by his side, trying to help him get better. He still didn't think her efforts were genuine? And the worst part of it all was that she couldn't even blame Deeks. Kensi was mad at herself.

Everything she'd yelled at Sam and Callen in fits of anger was true and of course Deeks saw it. He wasn't dumb, no matter how much they all liked to tease him for not really being an agent. Good natured ribbing was a part of the game, but it only worked if people knew you cared. They'd skipped over that part and gone straight to bullying. And Kensi couldn't even point the finger at the others. She had more of a responsibility because Deeks was her partner, but she'd let him down. Trying to come in and be the hero wasn't enough.

"Hey Kens, nice to see you in the office again. How's Deeks?" Callen asked as she stomped over to her desk. Kensi slammed her bag down, ignoring Callen's pleasantries.

"Where's Hetty?" Kensi demanded.

"She stepped away a bit ago to deal with something. Why? What's going on?"

"Well, try not to break out the balloons and streamers too quickly, but Deeks is planning on quitting NCIS," Kensi snapped.

"He told you that?"

"I asked him and he didn't deny it," Kensi muttered, cutting her eyes at both of them. "I'm sure you're both bursting with excitement."

"Kensi, what are you talking about?"

"Don't act so surprised. Everything I said in the hospital was true and you both know it. We never made Deeks feel welcome on this team and now he's leaving. This is exactly what we deserve."

"He really said all that?" Sam questioned, leaning forward in his seat.

"He knows you don't respect him," Kensi replied, the accusation clear in her voice. She knew she shouldn't be telling them what Deeks told her in private, but she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't deal with the information on her own. The pain needed to be shared. "Tell me he's wrong. Tell me we haven't treated him like an outsider who doesn't belong since day one. No matter how many times he's had our backs in the field, he still hasn't earned his spot in our eyes."

"Kensi-"

"Whatever. I've got to go get ready for this op, so I can get back to Deeks," Kensi sighed, closing her eyes in disappointment. "If he even wants me back." She slumped off to wardrobe, trying to get her head in the game. Even if Deeks decided to leave, that didn't mean she wasn't going to try to fix things between them. Spending all this time together had shown her how good of a man Deeks really was and he deserved to hear someone tell him that. It was up to him if he believed and forgave her, but she was still going to put in the effort.