Deeks didn't talk to Kensi for a few days after their argument. Even though it wasn't under ideal circumstances, Deeks knew it was for the best that they take some time away from each other. She sent him a brief text that afternoon, letting him know that the op was more complicated than they first thought and she was going to have to go fully undercover until it was finished.
He hated not being by her side. Even if he wouldn't have been able to go in with her, Deeks should've been able to be on the periphery to have her back. He was still her partner for the time being and that meant something to him. That was a responsibility he took seriously, even when he was in LAPD and stuck with someone who hated him. Deeks did his job to the best of his abilities, no matter what.
He sent her a text back to be careful, then set his phone on silent and tucked it away somewhere he wouldn't be tempted to check it constantly. It wasn't like he was going to be called in if something went wrong, since he wasn't cleared to go back to work. And he was desperate to finally have some alone time. This was the first time he didn't have someone watching him, or just in the other room in case he needed something. Deeks was aching to finally live without his mask on.
But as he sat on his couch alone, he didn't feel anything. Or rather, he still couldn't let himself feel anything. He hadn't cried since he left the hospital and he didn't want to now. There was no point to it. Would blubbering about things that had already happened make anything better? Would the tears wash away the memory of Carly's eyes as he stabbed her in the chest? Would they make him forget the feel of her hands on his body?
Deeks knew he was struggling, but what could he do about it? The official record left out the things that were messing with him the most. And he couldn't talk to the team about it, on the off chance that he actually tried to get his spot back. In his head, he could see them either teasing him about being too sensitive or bringing up things they'd gone through and gotten over, to prove that he was weak for still having an issue. There was no scenario where he came out better for having opened up.
And Deeks didn't think he had friends close enough that he could talk to about something this serious. Ray was dealing with his own stuff and it was too hard to try to meet with him without having to put on his Max Gentry persona. And if he slipped into that, it might be too tempting to stay that way and hide away from all of his problems.
Kensi's suggestion in the hospital had hit pretty close to home. Pretend like he was undercover to convince the hospital it was the right choice to send him home. As if his whole life wasn't an act. Deeks didn't even know who he really was anymore, since he molded himself and adapted to whatever situation he found himself in.
The only time he truly felt at ease was when he was out on the water. The team might tease him about his hobby, but it meant so much more to him than he could ever explain. And he wouldn't bother trying. Deeks wouldn't tell them how the ocean was a refuge when he needed to escape his father's wrath. Or how he would sit out there for hours when school, or the academy, or life just got too overwhelming. How being on the water without anyone judging him or expecting anything from him kept him breathing.
That was what was making all of this harder. Deeks' tried and true coping mechanism wasn't available to him at the moment and he didn't have a backup. He was stuck without a way of dealing with everything. A healthy way at least.
Deeks spent his first day alone mostly dozing on the couch. He hadn't been sleeping the best, between his brain not wanting to shut off and the nightmares that usually woke him in the middle of the night. And Kensi had this confusing fixation on the amount of sleep he was getting. She wanted him to rest, since that was what he needed to heal, but she would also get worried if he was resting too much. Deeks felt like he was spending so much time trying to figure out the right balance to keep her off his back.
But thinking like that only made him feel guilty. Kensi had done so much for him, even if he couldn't trust her intentions. If everything had been done out of a sense of begrudging obligation, it didn't change the fact that she'd been there when he needed it. Deeks would probably be strapped down to a bed with drugs pumping in him if it hadn't been for Kensi. But there was still a part of him that had to keep those walls up. That had to question every move and not let himself get too close. Letting himself be open was just setting him up for failure.
The second day, he decided he had to do something. Laying on the couch was getting to be uncomfortable and since Kensi wasn't there to use his bed, he should probably start. There was just something he had to fix first.
Deeks hadn't chosen the couch on that first day out of convenience and proximity to other things in his apartment. Or because of chivalry, even though those were the excuses he would give to Kensi when she asked if he wanted to swap. He'd barely even stepped foot in his bedroom for a completely different reason. But this would be a good first step for him. A step toward taking back his normal life.
Deeks hesitated outside of his bedroom door with a hand braced against his stomach. The pain wasn't so bad anymore when he was sitting still and distracted, but there were flashes of pain occasionally and he ached when he overdid things sometimes. But he could push those thoughts away now.
He slowly nudged the door open, finding his bedroom just as he left it. Kensi must've worked pretty hard to keep the place neat while she was staying in there, going against her messy instincts. The bed was made and looked enticingly soft, and Deeks had the urge to just flop down on it and forget anything else, but he couldn't yet. There was one important thing he had to do before that.
Deeks felt his hands shaking slightly as he walked to the bed. It was just a bed and it couldn't hurt him, but as soon as his fingers made contact with the frame, he shuddered. His brain flashed back to being tied down to Carly's and his breath got caught in his throat. Hers was made different, but his still had bedposts on the corners, perfect for trapping someone against their will. Deeks had never really been into bondage, but a few of his past overnight guests had commented on the possibility of taking advantage of the opportunity, and now that was all he could think of. Waking up in the middle of the night to realize he couldn't move. The thought of it made him sick.
Even though part of him had the urge to take a sledgehammer to the whole thing, he also didn't want to be wasteful. He may never want to see this thing again, but that didn't mean someone else wouldn't find use in it. So Deeks grabbed his toolbox and got to work.
Taking the mattress and boxspring off sucked. Deeks felt like he was covered in sweat by the time he got them both propped up on the wall and out of the way. Only a little bit of time off his game and he was already this weak. He wasn't looking forward to his first run when he was actually allowed to exercise again. Deeks was already embarrassed for himself.
He settled down on the floor next to the bed, taking each screw out one by one. It became a bit soothing after a while, since he didn't have to think much beyond turning his wrist. Deeks painstakingly collected each little piece, even separating and labeling different parts in small bags. If he was going to do a job, he was going to do it right.
Once everything was broken down, he started the slow process of taking each piece down to the curb. It was easier said than done, but the sooner he was done, the sooner he could crash. It was taking so long, since he could only take a few pieces at a time. But he couldn't give up.
After about the fifth trip out, Deeks' energy started to flag. A part of him had expected this to be a lot more momentous than it actually was. Like every piece he took out was another piece of hurt he was letting go of. But it wasn't. He didn't feel any better, just more tired. Is this how it would always feel? Would he always build something up to mean more than it did, then have to deal with the disappointment with feeling the same afterward? What was the point?
Deeks was in his bedroom gathering his next armful when there was a knock on the door. He immediately tensed, grabbing the nearest piece of wood as a weapon. Why hadn't he insisted that they give him a new gun to replace the one lost during his ordeal? Deeks took a deep breath, chastising himself for being so jumpy at something that wasn't a big deal. It was probably just a random person trying to sell stuff. If he ignored them, they would go away.
But when the knocking started again a few seconds later, the sick feeling began building up even more. Kensi would just walk in with her key, wouldn't she? And Ruth wasn't scheduled to check up on him until tomorrow. People didn't usually just stop by without warning.
Deeks carefully pulled himself to his feet, cursing his current exhaustion. If he was about to walk into a fight, he wasn't liking his odds. He'd overcome what were almost insurmountable odds against Russ and Carly, but he didn't know if he had it in him anymore. Making it out of that was pretty much a miracle.
Deeks took a few deep breaths as he approached the door, pumping himself up for whatever he was about to encounter. May as well face it head on and deal with whatever it was. Deeks flung the door open, flinching back in surprise at who he saw.
"Sam?"
"Hey Deeks," Sam replied, as if him being there was a normal thing. Before all this, he wouldn't have thought anyone even knew where he lived. Deeks sure didn't have anyone's address.
"What's going on?"
"That's what I came here to find out. Since you're not answering your phone," Sam said, raising his eyebrows. Deeks shook his head in confusion, looking toward where he had his phone tucked away. He'd checked it a few hours ago, but there were no messages or missed calls. What was so important that they had to send someone to his apartment to check up on him? Unless this wasn't really about him?
"Kensi?" Deeks whispered, his mind immediately going to the worst case scenario. Was Sam here to give him bad news? "Kensi, is- is she-" Deeks could feel himself go lightheaded as panic started to overtake his senses. He hadn't been there for his partner.
"Whoa! Easy, easy," Sam said quickly, reaching out to grab Deeks' arm as he lost his balance. "Kensi's fine. This isn't about her. Well, it kind of is."
"She's okay?" Deeks mumbled, taking a shaky breath as he forced his legs to support his weight.
"She's still undercover, but she's good. I told her that I would text to make sure you were okay, but when you didn't answer, we got worried," Sam explained. Deeks nodded, letting his brain register Sam's words. Kensi was fine and he was being weird for no reason. Now Sam had another weakness to take back and report to the team.
"As you can see, I'm fine. Just didn't hear my phone," Deeks said, pulling himself out of Sam's grasp. Sam didn't really care, he just needed to tell that to Kensi so she could focus on her op and not be distracted by his drama. "Did you need something else?"
"Are you busy?" Sam asked, pointedly keeping one of his feet in the doorway so Deeks couldn't shut him out.
"Kind of, yeah," Deeks replied, tipping his head toward the street. Now he was wishing that it was someone trying to kill him at the door. Anything would be better than whatever this was.
"Anything I can help with?" Sam offered.
"Wha-" Deeks huffed out an annoyed breath when Sam walked into his apartment without waiting for an invitation. For a guy who was so territorial about his desk, he sure didn't respect a person's home. "Sam."
"I noticed that pile of stuff out on the curb. Doing a bit of spring cleaning?"
"What makes you think it's mine? This is an apartment with a lot of tenants." Sam smirked, pointing at the piece of wood he was still holding in his hand. "Okay, so it is mine."
"Need some help with the rest?" Sam asked, wandering down the hall to his bedroom. Apparently, privacy didn't exist for him anymore. Deeks trailed after Sam, trying to figure out how to get rid of the other man without it turning into a thing.
"Sam."
"You've made good progress, but you've still got a bit to take out. Should you even be carrying this much while you're on the mend?"
"I'm fine."
"Need help setting up the new one? Where is it?"
"I don't-"
"You don't have a new one? What was wrong with this one? All the parts I saw looked nice enough," Sam chuckled, kneeling down to pick up one of the bedposts. Deeks felt a bit of anger flare at seeing Sam handle that particular part of the frame. Was he mocking him? They'd all gone to the crime scene and heard what he'd gone through. Was this just another way to stick it to him?
"Get out," Deeks muttered.
"What?"
"Get out! You've seen that I'm okay and I don't want any help, so go!" Deeks shouted, unable to hold back any longer. Accepting Kensi being around was one thing, but Sam had no right coming in here like he ran the place. Sam was giving him one of those looks that told you he was cataloging every one of your flaws and Deeks hated it. He hated being analyzed by a person who'd already decided he wasn't worth much. He hated being judged in a game he'd already lost.
"Deeks."
"What are you really doing here? If it's because of Hetty or Kensi, just tell them whatever you need to get them off your back. Or tell them that I was an asshole. It doesn't really matter anymore," Deeks sighed. "But whatever is going on right now is unnecessary." He'd had enough of fake relationships. It reminded him too much of the delusion Carly built up in her head.
"I didn't come over here to fight."
"Great, since I'm not in the mood to."
"This is just what you do for teammates."
"Since when am I included in that, Sam?" Deeks challenged. This had to be about what he said to Kensi. Of course she told them. "Since when am I on your guy's level when it comes to anything?"
"It's not like that, Deeks," Sam argued. Deeks huffed out a laugh, running a hand down his face.
"Sure," Deeks shrugged. He wasn't prepared to do this with Sam right now. His exhaustion was making his filter almost nonexistent and he didn't want to say anything he couldn't come back from. Even if he ended up leaving NCIS, he wasn't trying to make enemies. "Now that that's settled, I'd like to get back to what I was doing."
Sam opened his mouth, then closed it without saying anything. Had Deeks really won this round against Navy SEAL Sam Hanna? More like he realized that Deeks wasn't worth the effort. A few more interactions like this and the decision to leave the team would probably be taken out of his hands altogether. Hetty might claim that she didn't want him to leave, but she also had to keep her real agents happy. He was so easily replaced.
Sam left without another word and Deeks stayed slumped against the wall for a few minutes to collect himself again. Everything seemed to take so much out of him and he was sick of it. He wanted his body and mind to go back to the way it was before. He'd really taken things for granted, forgetting that it could always get worse. Hopefully he wouldn't keep falling further, since it already felt impossible to get better.
Deeks quickly took out the rest of his bed pieces, pushing himself to carry more than he should've so he could get done faster. He didn't want to crash before the job was finished. He needed to accomplish something.
As soon as the last part was on the curb, Deeks dragged himself to the couch and flopped down on it. The idea of even kicking his mattress to lay flat on the floor was too much for him at the moment. He just needed to rest his eyes for a minute and then he could get back to his day.
Deeks jerked awake at the sound of knocking on his door. He glanced around the room in confusion as he gripped his stomach, trying to get his bearings. How much time had passed? And who would be at his door this time? Probably Callen, since that was how his luck was going at the moment. This time he was really going to ignore whoever it was.
"It's Sam. Open up," Sam called through the door, knocking a few more times. Deeks groaned, letting his head slump down to his chest. Hadn't they said everything they needed to say to each other earlier? What did Sam think was going to happen this time?
"Go away, Sam," Deeks replied, just loud enough for the other man to hear.
"Can't do that. But if you want us to shout at each other through the door for all your neighbors to hear, that's fine by me," Sam said, and Deeks could hear the smug smirk in his voice. The last thing he needed was to give his nosy neighbors something else to talk about. Especially when they'd just seen him dragged into his apartment by Kensi the other day. Deeks forced himself off the couch and over to the door, throwing it open in annoyance.
"What-" Deeks paused, cocking his head to the side when he saw all the stuff surrounding Sam in front of his apartment. "What?"
"I got a little something for you," Sam grinned, nodding down at the stacks of wood and tools.
"Are you gonna make me watch you build my casket before you kill me?" Deeks snorted.
"Not quite," Sam chuckled, grabbing a small toolbox and thrusting it into his arms. "Time for a little home improvement project."
"Sam," Deeks sighed, tapping his fingers along the metal box he was holding. "What is this?"
"You need a new bed frame and I like to build things. Doesn't have to be anything other than that."
"Sam."
"A mattress and box spring on the floor is for college kids, not mature adults like us."
"Sam."
"Just let me do this, please? I measured out all the stuff for this and it shouldn't take me more than an hour or two, then I'll leave you alone."
"You bought all these parts for me?" Deeks asked in confusion. He figured that this had come from a set, but Sam had taken it out of the box so he could guilt him into not being able to take it back.
"I drew up some plans and went to the hardware store as soon as I left your apartment earlier," Sam confirmed.
"Why?" Deeks asked quietly. He didn't understand why Sam would bother. Since when was he worth the effort?
"Because I wanted to. Because I saw a way I could help," Sam shrugged. "It's not gonna be anything fancy. Just something to hold the mattress off the floor. But it'll be sturdier than most of the things you find in stores these days. No big deal." But it was a big deal. At least, it felt that way to Deeks.
He wasn't even sure what to say. Sam could've left and washed his hands of him, but he didn't. He took time out of his day to do something that wasn't at all his responsibility. And it wasn't like he had anything to gain from it. The team and his job would still be there, even if he decided to never speak to Deeks again. And yet, he was here.
This obviously wasn't going to erase everything that had gone on before. Deeks was still pretty sure he was on the path to leaving the team, but was this Sam's attempt at making amends? Him trying to fix some of the issues they'd all pretended weren't there until they couldn't any longer?
And could Deeks deny Sam that chance? Could he deny himself that chance? What kind of man would he be if he saw someone making an effort and pushed them away? He'd have to admit to himself later when he was all alone that he stood in the way of things possibly getting better. Did he stand to lose or gain more by letting Sam in?
"Okay," Deeks said softly, moving to the side to grant Sam access in. Sam looked pleasantly surprised as he grabbed a handful of stuff and carried it into Deeks' bedroom. Deeks still wasn't sure if this was the right call, but he couldn't back out now. Even if this didn't change anything in the long run, at least no one could say he didn't try. And maybe if one small part of his life could get better, others could too.
Author's Note: Sorry this chapter took so long. I'm having a bit of writer's block when it comes to this story. I think I need to write something else in this fandom as sort of a palate cleanser, but the only other ideas I have are going to be chaptered stories that I'll start after this story is finished. If anyone has any ideas for some one shots they'd like to read, I'm open to suggestions. Thanks to everyone who has stuck around with me!
