Deeks spent the rest of the night on his bedroom floor, resting against the door. The team had left soon after his blowup, but he didn't trust them not to be lying in wait for him to come out. He just didn't want to see anyone. Or talk to anyone. It felt like everything he said was getting recorded to be dissected and used against him. And Deeks knew how paranoid that sounded, but he couldn't help it.
And he was doing it as well. He was picking apart every word the team said to him, waiting for the other shoe to drop. For them to drop the act and admit that nothing changed. That they still didn't care about him.
Maybe he was expecting too much. No one expected the person in the cubicle next to them to care about how they were feeling. So why was he so hung up on this? Probably because they put their lives in each other's hands on a daily basis. And he saw how close they were to each other and he ached for that too. Deeks just wanted to be included in something. But it was probably too late.
Deeks groaned as he pulled himself off the floor. His muscles had gotten so stiff from staying in the same position all night. If he thought his couch was bad, this was ridiculous. And most likely detrimental to his recovery. If he couldn't get back to his previous physical condition, what good would he be? Maybe that would be better than being told that he wasn't good enough in general.
He did his business in the bathroom quickly, since that was still a sore subject for him. Any time he looked at his body, it was like he could feel Carly's touch. His mind was coming up with so many memories of those days that he wasn't even sure what really happened anymore. Deeks kept telling himself that nothing that bad happened, but his body wasn't getting the memo. And neither was his heart.
Just as he was walking into his kitchen to look for something to eat, there was a knock on his door. Deeks was fully prepared to ignore whoever it was. It was probably Kensi, trying to get him to talk about what happened the night before. But he wasn't in the mood. He didn't want to deal with her brand of pushiness. He didn't want to find out if her concern for him was truly sincere, since both options were just as hard to accept.
After a minute there was another knock, a bit more firm than the last. Deeks' annoyance ratcheted up and he glared at the door, as if anyone could see it. Why had this incident been the catalyst to put him on the team's radar? Why did it take this for him to matter?
"Kensi, I'm really not in the mood!" Deeks called out, only to be answered by another knock. The frustration finally took over and he stomped to the door, throwing it open. "I said- Nate?"
"Hello Deeks," Nate greeted kindly, as if he hadn't just been yelled at. Deeks blinked up at him in surprise, not expecting the man at all. They hadn't really gotten to know each other in the brief time they were both in the office, so this obviously wasn't a casual visit.
"What are you doing here?" Deeks demanded, resisting the urge to slam the door in his face and hide away in his apartment. They probably all had copies of his key at this point. "Did they tell Hetty what happened last night? Finally had to call the shrink in to fix the problem?"
"What happened last night?" Nate asked, tipping his head to the side slightly.
"Don't play dumb. It's not a good look for you," Deeks snapped.
"Not playing dumb, just honestly don't know what you're talking about. Hetty has been working on getting me back in the country for a little while now."
"And how long is a little while?"
"Since your ordeal," Nate said simply. "She thought you would need someone to talk to and she trusts me, so here I am."
"Well, I don't. Sorry you wasted your time," Deeks ground out.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Just what I need. Another person questioning what I do or how I feel. Who knew I'd been living my life the wrong way this whole time?" Deeks laughed bitterly. Was Hetty bringing in the big guns now to have him officially declared unfit for duty?
"That's not what this is, but I understand why you feel that way. It's easier to lash out in anger, instead of confronting the source of the problem."
"Don't psychoanalyze me. You have no idea what I've been through," Deeks hissed, pushing down on the anger he could feel bubbling up. He couldn't prove Nate right. He wasn't the guy who blew up on people. He wasn't his father.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Nate asked, his voice full of calm and patient understanding that set Deeks' teeth on edge.
"There is nothing to tell," Deeks insisted.
"Well, which is it? I don't know what you've been through or there is nothing to tell?" Nate asked with a little smile on his face.
"I'm really not in the mood for jokes," Deeks grumbled, gripping the edge of his door.
"That's not really the Deeks I know."
"As if anyone knows the real Deeks," Deeks sighed.
"I'd like to get to know him."
"Most people don't. And when they do, they don't like what they see."
"Who's told you that?"
"Who hasn't? Even if they don't outright say it, they show it in their actions. And I get it, I do. Not everyone has to like everyone. But I feel like I never even got a chance."
"Who are you talking about?" Nate asked, and Deeks knew he was saying too much. There was just something about Nate that was getting past his defenses. No wonder Hetty sent him off on important assignments. Was Deeks really one of those?
"No one."
"Are you talking about your team at NCIS?"
"I don't have a team. Not really."
"Do you want to tell me why you think that?"
"Are you going to give up if I say no?" Deeks mumbled, already knowing the answer.
"No."
"Then come in, I guess," Deeks sighed, moving back so Nate could enter the apartment. Might as well get this over with, instead of fighting against it and letting the inevitable conversation loom over his head. Could he trick himself into thinking he was in control if he let Nate in of his own free will? Did it even matter?
"This is a nice place. Close to the water too," Nate commented, sitting down on the chair in the living room. He was probably expected to take the couch, putting him just where he'd been the night before. It was the same song and dance like always, wasn't it? "Deeks?" He was snapped out of his daze by Nate's voice. He'd been staring into space, which would do nothing to back his assurances of being fine. As if anyone would believe it anyway.
"Yeah, great for surfing," Deeks murmured, finally sitting down on his couch. Should he lay down as well and get the full effect of this brain picking session?
"Has it been hard not being able to surf recently?" Nate asked, crossing an ankle and resting it on his knee. So casual, like old friends.
"I guess. It's a good way to keep active, which I haven't really been able to do," Deeks shrugged. He wasn't going to admit that he ached for the solace of the ocean. That it was just one more thing that had been taken away from him.
"Well, you're looking good physically. I'm sure you'll be back at it in no time."
"Back to surfing, or back to other things?"
"What do you mean?"
"Aren't you here to determine whether or not I'm fit to go back into the field?" Deeks challenged. They should probably get right to it, instead of wasting time with casual conversation.
"I'm not here about that. I'm here to see if you are okay and help you with anything you're struggling with."
"But what's the point? If I'm not good enough to go back, I'm not really your problem anymore. I won't be any of their problem."
"You mean your team?" Nate questioned.
"For lack of a better term, yes. The spot could finally be freed up for a real agent."
"What makes you think they want to replace you?"
"They haven't wanted me there from the beginning. I was just put there as an experiment of Hetty's that no one enjoyed. And I've long overstayed my welcome."
"I admit that I haven't been around much, but you all seemed to work together well from what I've seen."
"Perhaps, but that doesn't really matter in the end."
"What do you mean?" Nate asked.
"Nothing," Deeks brushed off, feeling his honest feelings rising too close to the surface. If he let them out, there was no going back.
"You can tell me," Nate pressed.
"They don't respect me. No matter what I've done, I will never be enough in their eyes," Deeks said simply, knowing with all his heart as he said the words that they were the truth. "I can accept them not liking me as a person. We don't have to hang out after work or even chat at our desks between cases. But I can't stand being made to feel like I'm not good enough. I spent too many years feeling that way and trying to convince myself that it wasn't true, but here I am again."
"Who made you feel like that before?"
"Who didn't? Officers at LAPD, my classmates at law school, teachers in high school," Deeks listed, leaving out the biggest one of all. The man who gave him life, but could also make him feel more useless than anyone else. "No one ever took me seriously. They'd see how I looked and hear my jokes and immediately think they knew who I was. And it was never anyone worth their time. It's just, sometimes I want to be in on the joke, instead of the butt of it, you know?"
"Have you told them that? The team, I mean?"
"Sort of, with Kensi. But it wasn't very productive. She just kept telling me I was wrong, which didn't help."
"You were finally opening up, but you weren't being heard."
"I guess," Deeks admitted. Even though he wasn't planning on talking about that with her, it was still hard for him to let it out. And for her to be defensive about it just solidified the fact that he couldn't be honest.
"Why was Kensi the one you decided to talk to?"
"She was there," Deeks shrugged, but the look Nate was giving him was telling him that that answer wasn't good enough. "She's my partner. I wouldn't have gotten through the aftermath of everything without her. I thought maybe she would understand."
"And how did it feel when she didn't?"
"It hurt. It made me question her motives with everything she'd done for me. If she could do all that, why couldn't she hear me as well? Kensi was so good to me while I was in the hospital. She rolled with everything that happened and came up with solutions when I couldn't. But her reaction just showed me that I should just shut up and deal, like always. At least, for as long as I need to."
"What does that mean?" Nate asked.
"Come on. I'm sure Hetty told you about this part," Deeks scoffed.
"She gave me a brief overview about what happened to you," Nate confirmed. Deeks bristled at that, but it wasn't like it was a secret. The report was out there for everyone to see. But that wasn't what he meant.
"I'm talking about what I said to her in the hospital. About me leaving NCIS."
"You already put in your resignation?"
"No," Deeks sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Hetty wouldn't accept anything I was saying, since I was still drugged up in the hospital. But now that I'm of sound mind, she's nowhere to be found."
"And would you tell her the same thing now? Is this actually an exit interview that I wasn't made aware of?" Nate lightly joked. Was it? Had Deeks made his mind up about that? His relationship with his coworkers was probably as bad off as it had ever been, but was that enough reason to uproot his life again? He'd been so sure about his decision before, but now that he was being asked flat out by Nate, the choice didn't seem so simple.
"I don't know."
"Deeks, are you planning on leaving NCIS?"
Author's Note: Part one of I'm not sure how many chapters of Deeks' talk with Nate. Let's work through some shit!
