Deeks wanted to say yes. He wanted to say that he was putting all of this behind him and moving on to his next step in life. But was he ready to make that decision? And should he do it when he wasn't back at one hundred percent? There were choices in life that you didn't make unless you were completely sure and this was one of them. There was no going back once he gave the word.

"Actually, don't answer that yet," Nate suggested. Deeks appreciated the reprieve. Even though the question was still looming over him, he was glad that Nate wasn't forcing the topic. Although any other topics were bound to be just as hard.

"So, what do you want to talk about?" Deeks asked, resisting the urge to grab a nearby pillow and pull at the threads. Fiddling would just make him look unstable.

"How about we start with your abduction?"

"Wow. Diving right in, are we?" Deeks scoffed, staring down at his knees. "You shouldn't- don't call it that. It makes me feel like a kid who was snatched off the street."

"What would you like me to call it?"

"I don't know. There isn't really a good name for it, is there? Doesn't change anything," Deeks muttered. "Maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be talking about it at all."

"Or maybe your avoidance means that's exactly what we need to talk about?"

"Smooth."

"I know this is a hard thing to talk about, but I also know that you are a strong person."

"I'm not so sure about that," Deeks mumbled, seeing Carly's face as she died flash across his eyes.

"I am. You were strong enough to survive and get yourself free and you're strong enough to work through the aftermath," Nate insisted. "Things will only get worse if you keep ignoring them until the next thing comes. At some point, the pile gets too big. Don't you want to lighten the load before that happens?"

"You might not feel the same way once you hear the whole story," Deeks chuckled sadly. There were parts he couldn't even think of without feeling disgusted with himself.

"Try me. I've heard and seen a lot of things in my career and I'd like to think that not much can phase me."

"I don't even know where to start."

"Start at the beginning."

"You mean when I went to a house alone without letting anyone know where I was going?"

"Sure. What led you to make that decision?" Nate asked, resting his elbow casually on the arm of the chair.

"I had to do something for LAPD the night before, and my exhaustion was just making being around everyone harder. It was like every joke was hitting me like it hadn't before and I just wanted space," Deeks admitted, swiping his bangs to the side. "And I never like involving anyone in things having to do with my detective work."

"Why not?"

"They don't respect it. Like if it doesn't have the federal agent stamp on it, it's not important. And it just gets old being belittled as I'm out there doing the same things that they are."

"Have you told them that before?"

"No," Deeks scoffed, rolling his eyes at the idea.

"Why not?"

"Because it's like telling the school bully that they hurt your feelings. Never expose your tender areas."

"You consider your coworkers bullies?"

"No, it's just an analogy," Deeks sighed. The last thing he needed was Nate going to Hetty and her scolding them for picking on the new kid. "They just like to tease."

"And you don't enjoy the teasing?"

"I'm fine with joking and even teasing under certain circumstances. But when you lack the foundation, it just makes the comments more biting."

"And what is the foundation?"

"Friendship," Deeks whispered, feeling a bit embarrassed. "They are such good friends. Family even. Being the one on the outside can get pretty old."

"Sounds lonely."

"It's one of the reasons I was so well-suited for undercover work. I can pretend to be someone else and avoid forming real connections."

"Is that what you're doing in NCIS? Playing a part?"

"Maybe. It was obvious from the start that none of them wanted me there. I was just trying to get through it at first, until I got called back on that extended undercover for LAPD."

"That was a hard case. You lost a friend."

"And then I came in and immediately took the place of the friend you all lost. Not really the best circumstance on either side."

"But that wasn't your fault."

"That doesn't really matter. It was still a mark against me that I couldn't afford to have. And I still haven't been able to overcome it. At least, not until recently."

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you hear? I'm finally a part of the gang," Deeks smirked. "Callen's coming over to watch the game, Sam's building me furniture, I'm getting invited to future team nights at the bar. We're one big happy family."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"It pisses me off!" Deeks snapped, running a hand through his hair. "If this is what it took for me to be given a chance, I don't want it. I don't want their crumbs and I don't want their pity."

"Maybe this experience reminded them that tomorrow isn't guaranteed and they want to try to right their wrongs?" Nate offered. "I think they've always seen that you are a good person."

"But what if I'm not?" Deeks whispered, clutching the fabric of his pants around his knees.

"What if you're not what?" Nate asked, leaning forward in his seat.

"A good person," Deeks mumbled, shaking his head sadly. "I've done so many things that I'm not proud of."

"Like what?"

"Too many to list."

"But what was the most recent?"

"Carly was- she was sick. I hadn't had a lot of interaction with her before all this happened, but I knew. Not to this level, but I still knew," Deeks admitted, bouncing his leg as he felt the tension rising in his body. "Maybe if I'd tried talking to her before everything, none of this would've happened. If I hadn't just brushed her off."

"Deeks, in no way was anything that happened to you your fault," Nate insisted.

"You don't know that. You don't even know what I did."

"So tell me."

"I went into that house with no backup. I sat there and let her drug me like an idiot. And- and then…" Deeks trailed off.

"And then?" Nate pressed.

"What does it matter?" Deeks yelled, springing up from his seat and pacing the length of his living room. "It doesn't matter."

"Deeks, if it's affecting you this strongly, it does matter. And letting it out might be just the thing you need to help work through it."

"Or it can take everything I've worked for away."

"If our positions were switched, would you listen to me without judgment for whatever I needed to say? Because that's what I'm offering here. Deeks, this is a safe place to talk."

"Until you have to give your report to Hetty," Deeks spat.

"I would never break your confidence like that. While I do have to give her my opinion on you returning to the field, if that's still what you want to do, I'm not going to tell her the specifics of what you've told me."

"So you're not going to tell anyone how I manipulated a sick woman into murdering her brother? Because that seems like the kind of thing you tell people."


Author's Note: Sorry for the wait and that this is so short. This felt like a good place to end this chapter so I could at least get something posted.