Deeks wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. Maybe for Nate to jump up and yell at him for what he'd done. Or for him to be glaring in disgust. Anything but the complete lack of reaction he got. It was as if he'd just told Nate the weather, not that he'd facilitated a murder between siblings.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" Deeks demanded, staring at Nate from the middle of his living room. He felt the urge to run to get out of this situation and let off some steam, but his body still wasn't ready for that. His body and his brain were both broken, but what they needed were opposite things. Deeks' body needed rest, but the quiet was driving him insane, giving his mind ample time to torture him with everything that happened. When was he going to stop feeling like a prisoner?
"What do you think I should say?" Nate asked, his tone as even as ever.
"Tell me you think I'm a monster! Tell me the truth!" Deeks shouted.
"Well, I can't tell you both of those things, since the first part wouldn't be the truth," Nate shrugged.
"Would you stop with the Dr. Nate shit for a second and talk to me like a person? Not like a patient or a project or someone who needs to be fixed. Just talk to me like you would anyone else." Deeks hated how close he sounded to begging, but he needed to get this over with. The other shoe was going to drop and they might as well not keep dragging things out.
"I think that your trauma has skewed things in your mind to make them more palatable."
"Oh, because thinking I'm a monster is so much fun for me?"
"No, but making yourself into the villain is easier than admitting that you were the victim."
"Don't call me that," Deeks whispered, feeling his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. It was different when he referred to himself as such, because he could say it didn't mean anything. He was just using it as a throwaway term. But when other people used it, it had weight. They were assigning that role to him and he couldn't do anything about it.
"What would you like me to call you?"
"Just call me Deeks! Don't give her the power to change who I am!"
"But you're fine letting her turn you into a monster, at least in your eyes?"
"I killed her. And I made her kill. What else would you call me after that?" Deeks shot back.
"Would you have done that if you hadn't been put in those circumstances?"
"No, but-"
"Getting out of a situation like that isn't always clean and easy like they show in the movies. Sometimes you have to do things you never thought you would. So while you may be a victim, you are also a survivor," Nate said firmly.
"I don't feel like one," Deeks choked out, wrapping his arms around his stomach. Now that he'd lost his bluster, he felt exposed standing this way in front of Nate. On display for him to pick apart. "I can't get what happened out of my head. Like I never really escaped."
"What happened this time that makes it different from other times your life was in danger?"
"Nothing. I don't know," Deeks deflected. The tiny voice inside his head, that was starting to sound like Carly, was calling him a liar. He was never going to get rid of her. Deeks was always going to hear her voice in his ear and her touch on his skin.
"You can tell me. Sharing the pain can help take some of the weight from it."
"But it won't change what happened to me. It won't get rid of what she did."
"What did she do?" Nate pressed. The words were on the tip of Deeks' tongue. It would be so easy to let it out and not care what happened after. But once he did, he'd never be able to take it back. The truth would always be out there and he would wonder if Nate was thinking about it every time they were around each other. And Deeks didn't know if scorn or understanding would be harder to accept.
"I can't."
"Deeks, what are you afraid of?" Nate asked. Deeks' breath hitched and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold everything together. He lived with fear everyday, thanks to the job. But it was fine. It helped fuel him to do what needed to be done. This fear was different. It was eating away inside of him. It was crippling.
"I'm afraid she took something from me that I can never get back," Deeks whispered, swiping a hand across his face angrily. He couldn't break. "I'll never be able to go back to what I had. It wasn't much, but it was what I chose. And now I won't even be able to have that."
"Is that why you're thinking of leaving NCIS? Because making that choice will help you feel like you're taking your power back? Or is it because you think your colleagues won't accept you if they find out what happened?"
"Both, I guess. I just don't know what to do anymore," Deeks admitted. Even if he went to a new place where no one knew him, he would never forget. It would color his interactions with people for the rest of his life.
"I would never tell you what to do and if leaving NCIS is what you truly feel is best, I'll support you in that decision. But I want you to ask yourself if that choice is really because you want it or if you think you have no other choice. If it's not what you want, wouldn't that be letting Carly take something else from you?" Nate questioned. Deeks looked away, because what could he say to that? It was true, wasn't it? Every move he was making had the goal of putting more space between him and what happened, no matter if it was the right call or not. He was giving Carly so much power over him and it felt so pathetic. A dead woman, one that he'd killed, still had control over his life. Deeks couldn't let that happen.
"I don't want to stay like this," Deeks said softly.
"Then you have to fight," Nate said, standing up from his seat. "I don't think I'm the one you need to do it with though."
"What? Why not?" Deeks asked in confusion. Now that he was agreeing with Nate, he was leaving?
"You need to open up to someone because you choose to, not because you feel like you have to. It will mean more," Nate explained, making his way toward the door.
"But who am I supposed to talk to?" Deeks huffed. Hadn't they gone over his lack of connections earlier?
"I think you have people who will listen when you need them to. You just have to give them a chance," Nate replied, nodding knowingly as he opened the door. "You can call me anytime, for any reason." Deeks watched him leave, trying to figure out if he'd gained anything from their talk. He could always do nothing and keep going how he was going, but was that the right decision? Was there any chance for happiness that way? Deeks was so tired of being miserable, but was it even possible to fix that? He had no chance if he didn't do something.
Deeks went back into his kitchen, grabbing something to eat like he'd planned on doing earlier. The food tasted like nothing and the sound of his chewing was grating in his otherwise silent apartment. Silence was what he had to look forward to if he left NCIS. The nothingness of no one to care about and no one to care about him. Even if what he had with the team wasn't perfect, it was something. It was better than anything he would've had if he hadn't escaped Carly.
She was forceful, in the worst possible way. Maybe that's what made him snap at the others the night before. They were trying to push a relationship that wasn't there, no matter what he said or did. His boundaries were constantly being disrespected and at this point, they were safer to lash out against. But maybe they were being genuine. Maybe he could take a chance and see if they were. Worst case scenario he could leave and reinvent himself. Deeks had done it so many times before. It always felt impossible at first, but now Deeks could barely remember what it was like to go by the name Brandel. He had to do something because the stagnation couldn't continue forever.
Deeks walked back into his bedroom and carefully pulled on a sweatshirt and sweatpants. This was probably a terrible idea, but he was going to do it before he lost his nerve. He was always daring and a bit reckless and he didn't want to lose that part of himself.
His first step outside of his apartment was jarring. He hadn't left the place since his disastrous interview at the boatshed, besides to dump his furniture scraps at the curb. Now the sun felt so bright and the space so open. And on some level, it was nice. It wasn't the stifling prison of Carly's bedroom. He was a child of Los Angeles and he thrived on being outdoors. But the beach had to wait. He had a specific destination in mind.
Deeks wasn't even sure if she was home as he walked toward her place. With his luck, she wouldn't be and that would be all his brain needed to convince him that this was all a mistake. But he couldn't let that happen. It was hard enough to bolster the courage to make it this far and he couldn't turn back. If he had to wait he would, no matter how long it took.
After what felt like forever, Deeks finally turned onto her street. He was covered in sweat, even though a walk like this used to be nothing for him. He could jog for miles and end with a smile on his face, but now he was so tired after any kind of activity. That was a problem for another day though. Deeks wouldn't be able to fix anything if his mind wasn't right.
He felt so nervous as he stood outside the door, trying to build up the courage to knock. It was another one of those moments that he wouldn't be able to take back. What if Nate was wrong about this? What if this made everything worse? But then, what if he was right? What if this was exactly what Deeks needed to do right now? What if this was the beginning of Deeks finally being able to breathe again without wanting to scream? The idea of that relief, no matter how much pain he had to fight through to get there, had his knuckles rapping against the door. It was now or never.
"Deeks?" Kensi asked in surprise when she opened her door a few seconds later. "Are you okay?"
"No," Deeks admitted, taking a deep breath to bolster up his courage. "Can we talk?
Author's Note: Sorry again for the super long wait. I know where the rest of this story is going, so hopefully it'll be easier for me to get the words down. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me.
