Kensi immediately ushered Deeks into her apartment, shoving a pile of clothes off her couch to make space for him. The sight of her messes always seemed to put him a little at ease, as strange as it sounded. The woman who always tried to be the best had a flaw. It didn't make him look down on her though. It made her seem more human. More like someone he could be friends with. Someone he could trust.

When Nate told him he should talk to someone, he hadn't outright said it had to be someone on the team. If he'd suggested pouring his heart out to Sam or Callen, Deeks would've had to call a shrink for the shrink. Nate could've meant an old friend that Deeks hadn't mentioned. They didn't dive that deep into his personal life outside of where it intersected with work. But the fact that Kensi sprang to mind for him had to mean something.

Maybe it was because Kensi was the one who had most of the story already. It would be faster to tell her than someone starting from scratch. But then again, that felt like an easy excuse. If he treated this like just another thing to get through, would it have the effect it needed to? Would it help Deeks in a way that Nate thought it would?

The way things were going right now, Deeks couldn't imagine ever feeling better. There was a weight pulling him down and no matter what, it wasn't going to go away. It was kind of like how the pain of loss never really went away, you just learned how to live with it. The thought of living with this for the rest of his life almost brought Deeks to his knees. Doing nothing wouldn't help, so what did he have to lose?

"I'm sorry for just showing up like this. I probably should've called," Deeks muttered, shifting on the couch to try to find a comfortable position. It was kind of impossible, with how sore his body was in response to his impromptu trek.

"No, don't even worry about it. You're always welcome," Kensi insisted, fluttering around the room nervously. "God knows I've done that to you enough recently."

"About that," Deeks sighed, running a hand down his face. "I'm sorry I lost my temper with you all. I know you were just trying to help."

"No, that was our fault. We were trying to do too much without even thinking about how you would feel."

"But I still could've reacted better. Actually talked things out without blowing up. But that's kind of the problem with us, isn't it? We don't really talk." Kensi looked uncomfortable, but not completely closed off. That was progress. "Do you think we could try?"

"Really? I mean yeah, of course," Kensi said quickly, perching on the arm on the opposite end of the couch from Deeks. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Honestly, nothing. But according to Nate I need to let things out," Deeks murmured.

"Nate's in town?"

"You didn't know?" Deeks figured everyone knew everything. "I guess my ordeal ranked higher than whatever he was working on. Not quite sure how I feel about that."

"He was probably already scheduled to come back," Kensi waved off. Neither of them believed that though. Poor Deeks needed to have the big guns brought in.

"Doesn't really change anything in the long run."

"So, what did you guys talk about?" Kensi asked, before grimacing. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't pry."

"I'm the one who came over to talk, right? It only makes sense that you be let in on the topic," Deeks muttered. He really didn't want to do this. Deeks was the guy who let everything roll off his back with a joke and a smile. He wasn't the one to depend on someone else to help him through trauma. "We talked about a lot of things, but it's actually what I didn't talk about with him that I'm here for. What I couldn't talk about."

"Too classified? I'm sure Nate's got the clearance," Kensi joked. Deeks huffed out a short laugh, but it caught in his throat at the end. He squeezed his eyes shut in embarrassment, not wanting to see Kensi's face as his emotions threatened to break free. He hadn't even said a word yet and he was already cracking.

"God, I wish it was something as simple as national security. That would be so much easier," Deeks whispered, tipping his head down so he could stare at his hands in his lap. His wrists were doing well and Ruth said they should heal without scarring, but Deeks was eager to be rid of the visible reminder. The stab wound in his stomach could scar and he wouldn't give it another thought, seeing it as a battle wound just like any other. But his wrists were too exposed. There weren't many ways to get marks like these and Deeks wouldn't be able to handle the gossip or questions. "Why is this so hard?"

"Take your time."

"You already know, right? How could you not, after what happened in the hospital. They were ready to send me to the psych ward over it. Maybe I should've gone."

"Deeks, you're not crazy," Kensi insisted.

"Are you sure? Because I'm not," Deeks admitted. What else did you call someone who couldn't stand to live in their own skin anymore?

"Deeks-"

"I'm used to being hurt, you know? For so many years of my life it wasn't a matter of if, but when. It was going to happen and there was nothing I could do about it. And when that finally stopped it was great and it prepared me for how to deal with any other pain that came along. At least, I thought it did." Deeks' leg was bouncing, but he couldn't control it. He couldn't control anything. "I came so close to death so many times on that case with Lazik. From the car bomb to my cover being blown. And the thing about it is, I was okay. The possibility of dying was always there, ever since the day I took my job with the LAPD. But I was expecting a bullet. Not what I got." Kensi moved off of the arm and onto a cushion to properly sit on the couch, inching just a bit closer to him. Deeks wasn't sure if he hated it or needed her near him.

"Being defenseless like that is not- I'm a fighter. Even in a fight I know I can't win, I go down swinging. But tied down to that bed, I couldn't. Everything was taken from me. And I'm laying there and the only roads lead to either death or-or that," Deeks stammered, staring at the haunted look in Kensi's eyes. His were probably reflecting the same back. "And a part of me wanted the former."

"Oh, Deeks."

"Please don't think I'm suicidal, because I'm not. And I did fight, to the very end. But as I was trapped there, imagining what the rest of my life was going to look like, I felt hopeless. No one was coming for me and for all I knew, it would be too late by the time anyone realized there was something wrong."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there. If I had known-"

"You would've been there. I know."

"But that doesn't change what happened." All Deeks could do was shake his head. He wished a few words could erase everything that happened. That knowing Kensi would've had his back made it all easier to deal with. But this broken version of Deeks still existed and it wasn't going away.

"Every time she drugged me, I didn't know if I was going to wake up or not. And those last moments where I knew what was happening but couldn't do anything about it were awful. I couldn't talk the drugs out of my system and that's always what got me out of situations before. And I thought that was the worst thing, but it doesn't even compare to after."

"After?" Kensi asked, setting her hand palm up on the couch beside him. The offer was clear, but she wasn't pushing it. Deeks didn't quite know how to articulate how much that meant to him. She never tried to force any contact on him, unless completely necessary. Not like Carly.

"When I'd wake up and have no idea what happened to me while I was out," Deeks whispered, setting his hand down so just the edge of it was touching Kensi's. He couldn't handle more yet, but he needed something. Something that was real to keep him from falling back into his memories. "It's one thing to be trapped by someone who hates you. I never considered what it would be like with someone who was delusional enough to be convinced that they loved you."

"I can't imagine," Kensi mumbled. He envied her for that, but would never want to trade places either.

"I've seen awful things on this job. Things that stick with you, long after it's over. And even if you're able to help people, it doesn't get rid of the damage caused. I feel like such an idiot for comparing what happened to me to anything like that."

"Deeks, there will always be someone out there who has gone through something worse. That doesn't negate what happened to you. You would never say something like that to someone we encountered on a case," Kensi insisted.

"I know, but- but maybe if I keep saying that it wasn't a big deal, I'll start to believe it. Because once I say this, there's no going back. It'll always be there, hanging over my head," Deeks choked out. "I don't want it to define me."

"You define yourself, Deeks. No one else," Kensi said firmly. Deeks sucked in a sharp breath, knowing that it was now or never. If he didn't say this now, he was going to shove it down for the rest of his life, even if it destroyed him.

"Carly touched me," Deeks whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as the tears started snaking down his cheeks. "She took my clothes off while I was unconscious. And before I was able to get away, she put her hands down my pants." He heard Kensi sniffling in response to his admission. It wasn't the judgment he'd been so scared of receiving. Or patronizing pity. She was hurting because he was hurting.

"She didn't go as far as she wanted, at least I don't think. I don't know if it makes it better or worse that I'll never know what she did while I was unconscious. But I keep reliving those moments where she was touching me and I was laying there without being able to do anything," Deeks rushed out, not able to stop now that he'd gotten started. "I shouldn't have been there. I knew Carly felt some sort of way about me. I never should've put myself in that situation."

"Deeks, what happened to you is in no way your fault. And it never will be," Kensi insisted. The anger in her voice made Deeks open his eyes again, swiping to clear the tears away. She was staring at him intensely and he recognized that look. Kensi could get fiercely protective and that was fully directed on him right now.

"But-"

"No buts. What Carly did was her choice, not yours. She had no right to do anything to you without your consent. It was wrong."

"Kens."

"And you know what? This did change how I see you. But you're not a victim. I see you as a survivor. And you're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

Deeks broke. Finally and completely broke. There were no drugs easing the emotions out of his system this time. This was just him letting go. He tilted to the side, letting his head fall onto Kensi's shoulder. She wrapped him up just like she had in the hospital, holding him as his anguish ripped out of him in uncontrollable waves.

He had finally spoken the awful truth. It was out there and there was no turning back. But his world hadn't crumbled around him. Deeks wasn't being pushed away, he was being supported. Despite all of his fears, his team had stuck by him, even when he didn't expect them to. Even when he didn't want them to.

Maybe they deserved another chance. Even if this revelation had come under less than ideal circumstances, maybe it didn't matter. Deeks needed them all, more than he ever thought he would. And since opening up to Kensi hadn't gone badly, maybe letting them in wouldn't either.