"I didn't have the best childhood." That wasn't really where Deeks had planned on starting, but it was out there now. It always went back to childhood, didn't it? Where your base personality was formed. You could always change and Deeks had a lot, but there were some things that held on tight. "It was easier to hide things with humor."
"I always preferred the loner approach myself," Callen huffed, nodding in understanding. Deeks felt kind of ridiculous complaining about his own childhood in front of the man, knowing bits and pieces of what he'd gone through, but trauma was trauma. It wasn't a competition where the biggest loser was the winner.
"Any attention was better than no attention for me. Or the overwhelmingly negative attention I got at home. People don't usually worry about the class clown," Deeks chuckled humorlessly. "Making people laugh became my whole identity, even if they were laughing at me. I guess it kind of stuck, even after things got better."
"Change is hard," Kensi agreed.
"And being the funny guy was always so easy. Well, at least I think I'm funny," Deeks smirked, raising his eyebrows at Sam.
"You have your moments," Sam conceded. That was practically a standing ovation from the man.
"So when I went to the academy, everyone's perception of me was that I was the goofy guy. And I leaned into it a bit. It was nice having people assume that I was going to be shit at everything, only to show them up. It didn't win me any friends, but maybe a little bit of grudging respect. That was all I needed. At least, that's what I thought," Deeks sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It's kind of hard to go out there and do your job when you can't trust the person by your side. That they won't leave you high and dry because they think you don't deserve to be there."
"That's not how it should be," Kensi said quietly, shaking her head.
"It's what led me to undercover work. Relying on myself felt like the better option. And I was good at it, since I had to play roles my entire life. It didn't get me any friends, but that didn't matter anymore. I was better off on my own. Then Jason Wyler met DeMarco Williams."
"It was a good case," Sam said, nodding at him a little. "You came through at the end."
"When Hetty offered me the liaison role, I didn't want to take it. It had been so long since I had to work closely with other people and I was hesitant to go back to that. Especially with people on a different level than me. But Hetty is a hard person to say no to."
"Understatement," Kensi snorted.
"I knew I was coming into a place where I wasn't wanted," Deeks said quietly, staring down at his hands. He felt like he sounded so pathetic, but this was the time to be honest, right? If he didn't do this now, what was the point of the conversation at all? "I understand why you wouldn't though, due to the circumstances. Losing someone you care about, then having someone shoved into that spot is never going to work out well."
"Dom," Sam murmured, letting out a sad breath.
"So when it was official that I would be staying, I fell back into old habits. I was the goofy guy who didn't let anything touch him. It was easier than trying to get you guys to genuinely like me and failing. And here we are. Self fulfilling prophecy, right?" Deeks chuckled bitterly.
"Deeks-"
"It doesn't always bother me. You guys are great in the field and I never have to worry about you not having my back. That's more than I could ask for," Deeks insisted. He couldn't listen to Kensi argue something that wasn't true until he got everything out. "But sometimes I'd see you all and how close you are and I'd get jealous. I wanted that too. But the most I could get was being the butt of the joke."
"Deeks, you-"
"It was my own fault. I was usually the one who started the joke, right? Why would I realistically expect any different? But then you guys have been so great to me since everything happened. And why? Was it because we talked things out and came to an understanding? Or was it because of what I went through? And what will it be like if I go back?"
"If you go back?" Callen questioned with a raised eyebrow. "Are you planning on going back to LAPD?"
"I don't know," Deeks admitted. This ordeal had shaken his whole foundation and he knew if he went back and nothing changed, everything would crumble to dust. He'd never felt more alone than he did when he was handcuffed to that bed and the thought of staying that lonely, but under his own volition while surrounded by people, was too much to handle. "I might be done with law enforcement altogether."
"I really hope you don't mean that," Kensi said earnestly. She and Hetty were the only ones he'd mentioned that to before, but it looked like she was still wanting him to stay. Even after admitting what happened between him and Carly. It did make a big difference to know that she didn't see him as weaker after what was done to him. "I need my partner out there."
"You'd be fine," Deeks assured her. "You were Badass Blye before me and you'll still be that, whether I'm there or not. Besides, you all have each other."
"I'm not as untouchable as I pretend to be," Kensi admitted. Deeks was surprised that she was saying that out loud. Showing anything other than perfection wasn't like her. "I've always felt the need to prove myself as worthy of my position. And sometimes I take it too far. We both know how hard old habits are to break."
"That we do."
"And part of me was annoyed at who I assumed was just a typical detective basically being handed a spot on the team by Hetty. Especially after working so hard to get to where I was. But you proved yourself and I never gave you enough credit. I apologize for that."
"I get it. We went from complete strangers to having to trust the other to watch our back. And instead of talking it out, we ignored the issues and let it build into something bigger. Maybe it's too late."
"It's only too late if you decide it's too late," Sam pointed out. Deeks was bracing himself for the lecture he was sure was about to come out of Sam's mouth. Something about him sucking it up and powering through. Or one of those other tough guy talking points. Deeks considered himself tough, but not in the same way Sam did. Like each peak he reached was the new expectation for all men. "I'm sorry."
"I- what?" Deeks replied in surprise. He wasn't expecting that. If there was someone less likely to apologize than Kensi, it was Sam.
"I'm sorry for being so hard on you and not giving you a chance," Sam said sincerely. Deeks was completely taken aback. Would these things have ever been said without the catalyst of Deeks' situation? He needed to stop going back to that, but it was hard. The idea of having to go through that to get to this point felt so unfair. But that didn't mean they didn't mean what they were saying. Some people needed to almost lose something to realize what they had all along. "I have a tendency to be overly serious when it comes to the job and the fact that you seemed so nonchalant about everything rubbed me the wrong way. But I should've been paying more attention to how you worked, not how you talked. And that was my mistake."
"I should've been more serious. That's my fault. Of course you wouldn't trust me."
"I had my mind made up about you from the first day. I don't think there was anything you could've done to change it, because then I would've had to admit that I was wrong. But this is me admitting that I was wrong."
"Were you though? Because that whole time I was laying there stuck in that house I was thinking of all the ways you all would've been able to get yourselves out of that situation," Deeks admitted. All this talking wouldn't change the fact that he'd made stupid mistakes and got himself into trouble.
"You got yourself out of it though," Callen reminded him.
"Barely."
"Barely still counts. I've had more 'barelies' than I'd like to admit, but that doesn't negate the fact that I survived. It's always easier when you can have someone you count on by your side, but we never really gave you that opportunity. That's on me as the team leader. I should've done more to make your transition into the team smoother, but I dropped the ball. And I'm sorry for that."
"Man, if I didn't know any better, I'd say this was all a coma dream," Deeks chuckled. It didn't matter to him before if his coworkers didn't like him, since he didn't particularly like them either. But he respected these people and held them in high regard, even if they weren't the closest personally. Hearing these things from them meant more than he was expecting. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything you don't want to. You've already said a lot," Kensi said.
"But I need to apologize as well. I'm sorry for letting things fester and not speaking up about how I really felt."
"Did you feel like you were in a position where you could?" Kensi asked.
"Not really, I guess."
"Then that's on all of us," Kensi insisted. "It's not just you who holds things back though. We're all guilty of that."
"I've been working with this guy for years and there are still things I don't know about him," Sam agreed, tipping his head toward Callen.
"A little mystery never hurt anyone," Callen said, waving him off.
"So what happens now?" Kensi asked, staring at Deeks. That was a good question that he didn't know the answer to. Everything he'd heard was great, but he wasn't sure if it was enough for him to stay. The team was only part of what he had to deal with. And one conversation didn't solve every problem they had. It wasn't going to be solved in one night.
"I've got a lot of thinking to do," Deeks shrugged. Deciding his entire future was going to take time.
"We should get out of your hair then," Sam said, moving to stand up. "You want a ride back to your place?"
"Actually, I was wondering if we all could hang out here for a while?" Deeks suggested. They all looked at him in surprise. "Or not? If you're busy, that's fine. And I'm kind of inviting you to invade Kensi's place even longer, which is kind of a dick move."
"No, it's fine," Kensi insisted, letting a smile creep onto her face. "I've actually got a new movie I've been meaning to watch, if you all are interested?"
"It better not be one of those sappy movies," Sam huffed, rolling his eyes.
"Why not? Don't want us to catch you crying again?" Callen teased.
"I was not crying! It was a delayed reaction to pepper spray."
"Delayed by two days?"
"G."
Deeks sat back, enjoying listening to the story of Sam tearing up at the end of Beaches. It didn't feel as forced as it had at his apartment the night before, so maybe they really had made progress. This is what it could've been like all along and what it could be like going forward, which was appealing to him. The days he was spending with company were a lot better than the ones he was spending alone. But he still had to deal with what was going on inside himself. Deeks didn't know the next step, but for now he was just going to enjoy what he had, while he had it.
