AN: COMPELETLY UNEDITED, UNBETA'D AND GENERALLY VERY BAD
THE LAST CHAPTER OF OUR TERRIBLE STORY IS HERE!
I can tell that you are all very excited about this.
--
Aziraphale was not very fond of being tied up in dark, cold places deep inside the earth.
He had never really contemplated this before, but standing with his back to a stone pillar, solidly wrapped with ropes, was giving him plenty of time to do so. It didn't help that Crowley was on the other side making inane noises like 'A BLOO BLOO BLOO' and generally being unhelpful. Like usual.
"Would you stop that?"
"I've got nothing better to do."
"You could think of a way to get us out of here."
"Oh, of course! I'll just make these ropes go away--except only I CAN'T BECAUSE THEY'RE IMMUNE."
"Well wile yourself out! You're the one who's supposed to be so good at those sly, snaky wiles! I'm the pure innocent one who doesn't know about things like deceit."
"What," said Crowley.
"FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!"
"You do it!"
"..." Was Aziraphale's response to this.
"That's what I thought."
"Well I don't hear YOU coming up with any bright ideas!"
"That's because...I...um."
"You what?"
"I don't know, okay!"
Aziraphale huffed irritably at him. Nothing was working!
On the other side of the pillar, Crowley abruptly ceased his noises.
Aziraphale was beginning to worry about their predicament.
There were some rasping sounds behind him, as of scales moving over stone.
"Crowley, what are you doing?"
Silence.
"Crowley?"
Still no answer.
"Oh dear," said Aziraphale.
There was a popping noise somewhere off to his left. Aziraphale had a sneaking suspicion as to what was going on. He had just known Crowley would think of something. He always did. Which was not always a good thing. But in this situation, nearly anything would be an improvement. Being tied up was not exactly an enjoyable pastime. Thus, Aziraphale was quite glad when Crowley finally walked into view, smirking.
"Um hi?"
"Yes?"
"It would be nice if you could untie me now."
"Would it really? I don't know if I can do nice..."
"You are incorrigible."
Crowley started untying the ropes. Aziraphale looked triumphant for a second. Then Crowley tightened them briefly, wiping the triumph completely off the angel's face.
"Erk," he said.
Crowley treated him to another smirk.
"Just untie me already!"
"I'm working on it"
"Work faster."
"I could just leave you here."
"And then you would die."
"Would I."
"Yes. Of loneliness and pain."
"Uh huh."
Finally untied after what seemed like an eternity, Aziraphale glared at Crowley with dignity and said, "Now what do you suggest, hmmm?"
"Er..." Crowley thought about this for a moment. "Yaks?"
"...what?"
"Yaks!"
"I'm afraid I don't understand."
"We'll disguise ourselves as yaks!"
Aziraphale stared in horror. "I don't even know what that is and it sounds dreadful."
"It's sort of like a cow. Only hairier."
"Fantastic."
"Well then what do you suggest? Walking out there as we are?"
"Fngnng."
"Exactly. Now put on your yak face like a good little angel and let's go."
Aziraphale stared at him hopelessly.
"Oh come on, it's not that bad. It's not like I'm asking you to turn into one!"
"So I'm just supposed to pretend like I'm a yak? That's never going to work!"
"Well, come up with a better idea! I for one am not about to hang around here until they come back to kill us!" Crowley stared at him in frustration.
"Discorporate," Aziraphale huffed at him, though he sounded a bit uncertain of that.
Crowley recoiled in horror. "I like this one!"
"Yes, but it will hardly be the end of the world if you lose it."
"It will for me."
"Not permanently."
"You do it first then."
Aziraphale looked at him in confusion. "Get discorporated? My dear boy, I wasn't suggesting that we do it on purpose, merely stating that we will survive if they do manage to kill us."
"Well...you...er...shuttup."
"However, I would very much prefer not to have to deal with obtaining a new body, so I suggest we figure out a way to escape that does not involve" He wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Yaks."
"Well, we'd better make a decision soon because we've been discussing this for the past five minutes and eventually they're going to come back."
"They said they were going to leave us here until morning..."
"Well...maybe they lied."
"Don't be silly. Why should they do that?"
"Because they're bad."
"Yes but they already have us in their diabolical clutches. There's no reason for them to bother lying to us as well."
"It's not like you had a better option anyway!"
"...Fine." Aziraphale sighed in defeat. "We'll do the yaks. But I blame you if it doesn't work."
"It'll work!"
"It'd better." Aziraphale muttered as he put on the appearance of what he hoped was something suitably yak-ish.
Crowley followed suit. The two of them then crept out of the cave they had been tied in and down the tunnel a ways before they realized that two yaks creeping along were not exactly inconspicuous and attempted to amble nonchalantly instead. Which didn't work as nearly as well as they thought it did.
This became apparent when they entered another cave, which was filled with people, both of the large burly type they had already seen and normal sized and shaped ones, all of who promptly burst out laughing.
Crowley attempted to make a yak noise, sort of like "maaaaaaaaaughgngng?" This didn't seem to help.
"Oh bugger," he muttered, grabbed Aziraphale, and began to sprint in the opposite direction. And found a group of large and burly people blocking the way.
"SODDING HELL SHIT BUGGER FUCK!" He said. While still looking like a yak.
"Language my dear!" Aziraphale chastised, looking like an affronted yak. Which is a very interesting sight indeed.
"Be useful for once!"
"By doing what, praytell?"
"I don't know! I'm all out of ideas!" The men closed in around them. Again.
"Oh. Er." Aziraphale floundered about for an idea, but nothing came to mind. The men still seemed to be impervious to his powers.
"We could run some more?"
"Right." They took off running towards a gap in the burly men. They seemed to be getting rather good at that sort of thing.
Amazingly enough, both Crowley and Aziraphale made it through the gap before it closed, and instead of grabbing them, the burly men got each other instead.
Mildly surprised that something had actually worked for once, Aziraphale almost ran into a rather large wall but managed to avoid it just in time; for a lack of anything better to do, he and Crowley kept on running in the same direction.
This seemed to be working, as they soon left the men behind.
And got themselves hopelessly lost.
Which seemed to be another sort of thing they were getting rather good at.
Rather unfortunately.
They ran down various tunnels at random, until they reached a large cave, spectacularly and tastelessly decorated in bright pink and yellow.
Crowley halted immediately in sheer horror. Aziraphale looked confused for a moment, then noticed the room and said in delight, "Oh, it's lovely!"
Crowley stared at him incredulously.
"Yes, my dear?"
"HALT FOUL FIENDS!" Someone bellowed from behind a large jeweled chest.
"Oh for Chr--Dam--augh!" said Crowley.
Aziraphale looked hurt. "I thought I'd already told you I'm not a fiend. And I don't think either of us is particularly foul..."
"SILENCE!" said the man, somehow managing to imply the multiple exclamation points.
"Oh dear."
Crowley winced in pain. If there was one thing that he couldn't stand, it was bad grammar.
"You shall SUFFER for invading my CHAMBER!" the man shouted at them, flourishing something that looked rather like a flowerpot that had run into a peacock via a koi pond.
"Oh dear," said Aziraphale. Again.
They stared yakishly at the man for a few seconds. This seemed to throw him off a bit.
"WHY ARE THERE YAKS IN MY CHAMBER? MY CHAMBER OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM?"
Crowley stared blankly at him. "I thought we were foul fiends..."
"TALKING YAKS!" the man recoiled from them in horror.
"You just noticed?"
"DEVIL YAKS!"
"I told you before, I'm an AN-GEL" Aziraphale told him in the tones reserved for the very old and the very stupid. And sometimes Crowley when he was being particularly difficult.
"YAKS!" wailed the man, "YAKS SENT FROM THE DARK LORD HIMSELF!"
Aziraphale gave him a disgusted look. "Let's go," he muttered to Crowley.
"FIENDISH YAKS! YOU SHALL GO NOWHERE! YOU SHALL STAY HERE AND FACE THE WRATH OF THE SUPREME GRAND HUHA OF THE SOMETHINGOROTHER CULT!"
Crowley somehow managed a decent eyeroll even behind sunglasses while remaining vaguely yak-like.
"That's it," he muttered at Aziraphale. "This guy is going Down."
"I would have to agree with you."
"Right now. Let's get him. We just have to get rid of the whatever-it-is he's got."
Aziraphale cracked his nonexistent yak knuckles. "Fine."
It was surprisingly easy. The man was so terrified by the sight of two yaks, one with yellow eyes and sunglasses, charging at him he dropped the thing he was holding and ran away, straight into a bedpost.
Crowley started at him in amazement. He poked the man with a toe, producing no response.
"That was rather anti-climatic."
"Maybe there's a second grand huha?" Aziraphale said, rather hopefully. "I'm sure he would deserve a righteous smiting just as much as this one..."
"Probably not."
"Oh."
"Yes."
"So now what?"
"Good question."
"Right."
"Hmm."
They stood there awkwardly for a minute or two.
"Right then, let's go." said Crowley and began to saunter away.
"Cowardly fiends!" The man muttered from the floor, somehow managing to put an exclamation point into a mutter.
Crowley flipped him off.
Aziraphale gave him a vaguely disapproving look, and they walked out.
"What?"
Aziraphale ignored this.
"So..." Crowley looked around at the endless tunnels. "Now where do we go?"
"..." Aziraphale responded. "Pick a tunnel and trust in Divine Guidance?"
"Why the hell not."
"Right." Aziraphale chose a tunnel at random, and started down it.
It was long and dark and things were brushing against Crowley's legs and something was dripping on him. It was almost--but not exactly--like visiting Hastur. Except without the fire. Or the screams.
After approximately fifteen minutes of walking, Crowley became bored. He began to experiment with making yak noises, wondering as he did just what sort of noises yaks made. So he made them up instead. "balgkasdg!" he tried.
"Crowley, what are you doing?"
"fnfnfnnnnnnnnng?" he replied.
"Dear..."
"HARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAA."
"I really wish you wouldn't."
"Googogogoggld?" he said.
"No."
"You're no fun."
"We're stuck in a cave with some sort of cult or something that wants to subject us to a horribly painful discorporation, and while their apparent leader seems to be somewhat less than impressive, there are still a number of large people who I doubt will want us to leave. You'll forgive me for not wanting to be grunted and moaned at."
Crowley waggled his eyebrows at him for no other reason than that it amused him.
Aziraphale gave a sigh of defeat and kept walking.
"We could always play a game, like...I Spy. In the dark."
"Very well, I spy something annoying."
"..." said Crowley. "Your fashion sense?"
"No."
"Tweed is not your friend."
"I really don't think this is the time to insult my fashion sense."
"When isn't it?
"Lots of times. Like now, for instance."
"And why is that?"
"Other than the fact that if we are heard talking we might be captured again and discorporated?"
"Er."
"Well then."
Crowley shut up. They continued walking for another ten minutes before he got bored again.
"Is this stupid tunnel ever going to end?"
"One hopes so."
And then, suddenly, it did. In a solid wall.
"..." they said together.
"Can I blow it up?" Crowley asked hopefully.
"With what, exactly?"
"Myself. What else do I need?"
"Oh yes, because it's not like we can't use our powers or anything like that. How silly of me!"
"They worked on that gun for you, they might work on the wall!"
"Be my guest, Crowley."
Nothing happened.
Aziraphale did a remarkable job of not doing the 'I told you so' dance.
Crowley scowled at him, then turned around and started stalking back out of the tunnel. As soon as he did, a door opened in the previously empty wall. There was another tunnel behind it, but there were lanterns hung up on the walls and a door and the end of it. A bright green door, Aziraphale noticed, but that really had nothing to do with anything.
"Well," he said. "I suppose there isn't anything better to do."
Crowley turned his stalk around and headed down the new tunnel. Aziraphale followed.
They reached the door, and opened it. And found something amazing! There was a room! With stuff in it! And that stuff was the truly amazing thing! It was... very pink. And girly. With a lot of flowers.
"Buh?" said Crowley in surprise.
"Oh. My." Was Aziraphale's response.
"This is very much not what I was expecting."
"And what, praytell, were you expecting, demon?" A vaguely familiar voice asked from the frilly pink depths of the room.
"Something more sinister? With more sharp pointy instruments of torture?"
"Why would I want that?"
"I have no idea."
A girl stepped into view.
"Oh my," said Aziraphale. "It's you!"
The girl smirked. "Of course it's me!"
"I should've known," Crowley muttered.
"Oh, yes. They always 'should have known'" Gulu said mockingly.
"This is ridiculous."
"This ridiculousness is going to cause your death, then."
Crowley found he didn't really have anything to say to that.
Aziraphale did. Which was something exciting!
"But we got your purse back!"
Well, not so exciting as much as logical.
"I do not make exceptions for demons just because they do a single decent thing in pursuit of their evils!"
"I am not a demon!" Said Aziraphale for perhaps the millionth time.
"You have the wings. You have the infernal powers. You cannot fool the magic."
"Augh!"
"Ah! You rue the discovery of your secret!"
Aziraphale's hands went all twitchy again.
Crowley took a discreet step away from him.
"And now I am going to destroy you once and for all!" Gulu whipped out a small pink rod, perhaps a foot long, and pointed at him threateningly.
"What's that?" Crowley asked, willing to try anything that would keep him in this plane of existence.
"The weapon I will use to destroy you!"
"...Oh." he considered this for a moment. "How?"
Gulu looked confused. "Why do you care?"
"These things interest me."
"Oh. Well." She looked at him, then at Aziraphale.
"So you're going to tell us?"
"I don't know. I'm thinking about it."
"Please?"
Gulu wavered for a second.
"No!" She decided finally. "I will not give in to your malicious wiles!"
"Damn!"
The girl attempted an evil laugh, but sounded more like a chicken on steroids. She didn't seem to mind this though, and would have done something with the rod had Aziraphale not tackled her. She squawked in surprise as the rod fell to the floor, rolling away beneath the bed. Crowley went for the rod as Aziraphale pinned Gulu to the floor, muttering angry but incomprehensible accusations.
"Ha!" he said triumphantly.
"Grmph!" Gulu said.
"Now will you tell us?" Crowley demanded, waving the rod around tentatively in case it decided to vaporize him.
Gulu squeaked, and shrank away from him as much as possible while still being sat on by an angry angel.
Crowley pointed it at her face, just to be cruel.
She screamed.
"Huh," he said.
"PUTITDOWNPUTITDOWN!"
Crowley brightened in a somewhat terrifying manner.
Gulu started gibbering mindlessly.
"Stop that, Crowley," snapped Aziraphale, "it's getting us nowhere. And making her approach mental instability."
"From which side?" Crowley muttered back at him, but nevertheless lowered the rod.
"So Ms. Gulu," Aziraphale said conversationally, "tell me what exactly that thing does and I won't let Crowley do anything with it. Probably."
"Itmakespeople'sinnardsboilandshootouttheirnostrils."
"Well now, that's certainly very inerest--for goodness sake, Crowley, put that thing down-no I don't mean wave it around threating in her face, I mean put it down--interesting. Except that wouldn't really effect us, seeing as we don't exactly have entrails."
"Doesn't matter."
"And why is that?"
Gulu looked terrified at them.
Aziraphale squished her a little bit more.
"I don't know!" She moaned. "It's just worked on demons before! I don't know how!"
Aziraphale looked at Crowley.
Crowley pointed the rod at her again.
"Fine! Fine!"
Just then, some people burst in the door.
"Why does this keep on happening?" Crowley demanded to no one in particular.
Gulu muttered something incomprehensible.
"What?"
"They came to rescue me?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yes?"
"This is ridiculous."
A random person bowled into Aziraphale, knocking him off of Gulu.
"Augh!" he said in surprise.
"HAH!" Gulu yelled at the world in general.
"This is ridiculous!" Crowley said. Again. It seemed like it was getting to be a habit with him.
Aziraphale stared at the people in defeat. "Does it ever stop?" he asked hopelessly.
"Not while I have THIS!" Gulu shrieked, holding up a green and pink bracelet triumphantly.
"Oh lord."
"GET THEM!"
They ran. People ran after them. Unsurprisingly.
And then Crowley tripped. He went down like a rock. Aziraphale stopped and immediately fell over as well, making a noise similar to that of a yak, ironically enough. If Crowley had not been picked up and dragged back towards Gulu at that moment, he would have made note of the sound for future use.
"HA HA HA!" Laughed Gulu triumphantly.
It was at this point that Crowley realized that he was still holding the rod. For a lack of any better options, he pointed it at the nearest man.
Who promptly disappeared.
"Well, that's certainly useful!" he said happily and made a large sweeping motion at several large burly men.
Nothing happened.
"That is not useful at all!"
Gulu cackled evilly.
"Will you stop that!"
"NO!" She yelled. "Not when my EVIL PLAN is about to work!"
Crowley threw the rod at her, effectively knocking her out. "Ha!" he said triumphantly.
"Really my dear, must you be quite so enthusiastic? You nearly hit me with that thing bouncing off of her."
"Sorry," Crowley replied, picking it back up.
"So now what do we do with her?" Aziraphale prodded the prone girl primly with a toe.
"Get rid of everyone else?"
"You're the one with the rod, dear."
"It didn't work on them before."
"Try again."
So he did. And they all burst into flames.
"Well then." Crowley said, mildly surprised.
The burning people looked rather surprised as well.
Aziraphale stared at them. "Aren't they supposed to be screaming? Or something?"
"You would think so, wouldn't you?" Crowley peered at them curiously.
One of the men waved experimentally. They didn't seem to be in any pain.
"This thing is useless."
"It knocked Gulu out..."
"I did that!"
"With the rod!"
The men on fire had started to dance for no apparent reason. It was not a very good dance.
"I really hope that the thingy made them do that."
"Why? It still doesn't get rid of them..."
"No one should dance like that of their own free will."
"It's not much worse than the way you dance."
"You should talk!"
"Me?" Aziraphale demanded indignantly. "My dancing is quite hip!"
"I cannot believe you actually said that."
"What? What's wrong with what I said?"
"Just...no. No."
Aziraphale gave him an irritated huff.
The men on fire suddenly realized that they could probably do something threatening even if they were on fire. They advanced menacingly towards Aziraphale and Crowley, though the effect was somewhat spoiled by their continued dancing.
Aziraphale eyed them with distaste. They didn't seem to notice.
"Can we just kill them already?"
"I don't know dear, that seems a little extreme..."
"They are attempting to dance menacingly at us. Nothing is too extreme!"
"Yes, but killing is so...tasteless. Can't we just drop them off a cliff?"
Crowley thought about it for a bit. He looked at Aziraphale, then back at the fiery dancers.
"Okay."
Aziraphale waved a hand, and they were all abruptly transported to the top of a very high cliff. With nice soft, deep snow banks at the bottom because it wouldn't do to kill someone by mistake. Crowley, never one to waste time, pushed them all over the side.
"There. Now what do you say we take this vacation to Bermuda?"
And lo, they did.
And it was good.
--
THE END.
PS: Actual conversation time again.
23:40 julie.: I BLAME YOU FOR ALL THE THINGS LIKE THAT!
23:41 k.rhyme: WHAT!
23:41 k.rhyme: NO!
23:41 k.rhyme: ...BUT ACTUALLY YES!
