The last day. The fated day where everything that needed to be announced was, indeed, announced.
You'd think that the counselors would be kind and just send them off with everything they needed to know, but this was the corporate world, remember, so of course that wasn't the case.
First, each team had to present their team cheer. This was as embarrassing and awkward as each horribly strung-together quip and phrase. Except for the purple team. Their cheer was very poetic and well crafted.
It was the orange team's, however, that was the most memorable.
"What rhymes with orange? We don't know either, so we don't have a cheer!"
Three more lectures dragged on and on. Butters continued to listen intently, trying as hard as he could to avoid looks from Cartman and Wendy, but generally enjoying it. Stan had actually been impressed. Butters had had some pretty good ideas, such as, that upping the amount of money put into production, and using their profit to pay off the last of their debt, because the entire reason that they had profit was to use it, otherwise it just sat there, and the judges would most likely be comparing revenue instead.
Kyle was biting his nails methodically, and wondered what had happened to the copy of Small Franchising for Dummies.
It was almost noon when the last speaker suddenly inflated like a balloon, and floated off through the open window. Somebody, probably Kenny, made a lame joke about hot air.
The counselors found that when they tried to impart closing words of wisdom, that anyone who tried would suddenly find their head swelling to enormous size until it exploded, or they were reduced to gibberish.
So, they just decided to announce everything.
Twenty minutes later, while everyone else was still applauding, Kyle had somehow managed to fit himself underneath his chair, refusing to emerge, as Stan tried to coax him out. Time paradox.
Cartman continued to laugh in some kind of hysterical victory.
"I can't believe he used my desire to reject that stupid stereotype against me. I should have known. I knew he was going to pull the Wal-Mart ideals, but who would have figured it would be because he considered his Target audience being…Jews looking for a bargain." Kyle was groaning.
"Yeah, well…Kenny getting picked as Camper of the Year? He didn't do anything the whole time." Stan replied with a shrug.
"Yeah, but he died at least five times in three days. Of course they were going to give it to him; otherwise his family could sue them." Kyle replied bitterly, but moved his head slightly out from under the chair to watch as Kenny, Cartman, and the rest of the red team did individual celebratory dances on either side of the room. All that was missing was the confetti.
Butters approached them, wringing his hands and looking more significantly more befuddled and perplexed than usual. Which was saying something.
"Ah, w-what company did they say was givin' stock to the red team?" He asked quickly, before either Stan or Kyle had a chance to ask what was up.
"Generic Laundromat. The same company that's sponsoring the prom." Stan said with a groan, remembering that he had precisely eight hours to either cause a delay, or assassinate the prom committee. Because both were entirely rational solutions.
Butters dropped his hands.
"That's what I thought! Th-they went under! Turns out the prom c-committee got an extension on their funding, and the extension was too much. They tried to l-lay off some people, but, ah, the people who got r-re-redundant went and started burning every Generic Laundromat in sight. There's no more stock to give!"
One of the counselors that was still functional happened to walk by just as Butters was revealing this tidbit of information, and screamed very loudly.
"This, you planned all this, didn't you? Well, we have had enough of your oppression! Go back to where you came from, Visitors!" The counselor screamed, with an angry gesture to the back of the room. Everyone's head turned to glance at the back wall so fast, four kids died of whiplash. As the counselor had said, the Visitors were there, just kind of hanging around, not necessarily doing anything.
"…Have they been here all along?" Stan asked Wendy, who nodded.
"You didn't notice? I didn't think they were really doing anything…" She said, but before she could further contemplate the situation, the counselors had transformed into Crab People, and started closing in on the Visitors. In typical villainous fashion, they began revealing their newest plan for world domination, something that included gaining public appeal and approval by posing as the Rotary Club, Colorado, the rest of which made absolutely no sense, but it seemed to entail the local radio station tower, a tropical fruit punch drink, and Dr. Phil, all of which combined would eliminate the Visitors, because for some reason the Visitors, who had never really done anything other than mutilate cattle, kidnap Ike, give Cartman an anal probe, and just randomly pop up in places, were the main obstacle in the way of the Crab People.
All the while, that bizarre, low chanting could be heard.
Crab…people…crab…people…craaaab people…taste like crab…talk like…people…
Needless to say, mass chaos ensued, Alien versus…Crab People. With their claws, the Crab People could pinch or even maim the Visitors easily, but it seemed the Visitors had a defense of their own. Because the Crab People were so short, the Visitors merely had to bitch smack the Crab People, using their long, skinny limbs. Truly bizarre claw-to-limb combat.
Although the battle was taking place on the opposite side of the room than the students, the more dominant personae in every possible relationship had stepped in front of their companion protectively; Cartman in front of Wendy, who had maneuvered herself in front of Bébé, who in turn had tackled Kenny, which wound up doing more harm to him because he cracked his head on the hard wood floor.
Kyle and Stan, however, had gotten into a full-out pushing-shoving argument over who should shield who from possible destruction.
"I'm the jock!"
"Yeah, but I beat the crap out of Cartman more often!"
"But you have a bitchier attitude!"
"Exactly! I'm more likely to snap and become a volatile Crab People ass-kicking maniac!"
"Oh, so we're supporting the Visitors now? Given how they almost ruined your life when they hijacked your little brother, I'd have thought we'd be rooting for the Crab People. Not that I'm complaining. That chanting in the background is getting really annoying."
"All the Visitors do now is torment cows. Population control. Crab People almost had me ostracized. And I concur about the chanting."
"Ok, ok. We need to keep cool here. What would Brian Boitano do?" Stan decided once he was finally sick of pushing Kyle about.
"Your right. What would Brian Boitano do?" Kyle asked, pondering the situation before him.
As if on cue, Brian Boitano burst in through the window that the balloon-counselor had floated off through. He landed with an inhuman grace, and skated through to the middle of the room, despite the floor being made of hard wood. When he smiled, his teeth did the sheen!Sparkle!Sparkle! thing. Brain Boitano was just that hard core.
"Did somebody say my name?" He asked.
"Hell yeah! Brian Boitano, say the counselors of Camp Enterprise turn out to be Crab People who have a vendetta against the Visitors and they get into a full out battle randomly…and really, you just want to get home, what would you do?" Wendy asked
Brian Boitano sat down in a chair that just sort of magically appeared and started to ponder this. He watched as the Visitors continued smacking the Crab People, and as the Crab People continued to pinch the Visitors.
"Kids?" He said after a long time.
"W-what?" Butters asked in awe.
"Get the hell out of here. It's up to me to restore the balance, because that is the natural order of things." He said, and turned on his skate, and charged head long into battle.
"…Ok. Uh, to the busses, I guess." Kyle said, and so they simply walked out of the door, to the busses.
Wendy cornered Cartman just before he could get on the bus.
She began by ranting at him about how horrible it was to use Butters against her. Then she went on to say that she knew about Stan and Kyle "wrestlin'" in the hotel room two nights ago. For affect, Wendy said that they were just three and a half hours away from Prom, and he had better be prepared to pay up, because she was planning on ordering that copy of 1984 from Amazon the minute she got home because she had missed her chance while in town. Just as Cartman didn't think he could possibly deal with any more, she concluded her lecture to remind him that he was picking her up at seven, and he had better have reservations at a good restaurant with all the crap she had had to put up with.
"Yes, ho…ney." He said begrudgingly, and watched her climb onto the bus. This was, perhaps the worst day of his life. He had lost the stock that he had worked his ass off to earn, and he hadn't even done anything that terrible to deserve it. Then he got ranted at by his girlfriend, who, at times like these could be a queen bitch, and it was looking more and more like he was out twenty bucks.
Couldn't get worse.
Famous last words.
When he got on the bus, sitting in the front row, he happened to see Kenny and Butters sitting as far apart as they could so that Kenny could have incentive to have Bébé sit on his lap, as they discussed the likelihood of Kenny still having his full ride scholarship, given recent circumstances. He and Bébé were examining the check, just in case.
"You…" Cartman was about to advance on Butters and reprimand him for his uselessness, when Kenny asked him for his half of the BFF medallion back.
Cartman stared at Kenny, and inquired why the hell he wanted it back. That thing had been very useful to Cartman at least once…
"Because I want to give it to Bébé. She's a better BFF." Kenny said. Bébé, who didn't seem at all phased about this, just laughed.
"Give me one reason why she would make a better BFF than me!" Cartman insisted.
"I can give you two. She has boobs." Kenny said. Cartman glowered, and then told them both very crudely and colourfully how much he hated them.
Meanwhile, just as everyone else was wondering how they were going to get home, since none of them knew how to drive a bus, Brian Boitano made another dramatic entrance, having successfully mediated the Visitor/Crab People conflict.
"Where to, kids?" He asked, his teeth doing the hard core sheen!sparkle!sparkle!thing.
"South Park! And step on it! We have a prom to get to!" The prom committee girl suddenly jumped up from the back of the bus and yelled.
"Right-o!" Said Brian Boitano, as Stan dissolved into tears. Stan was about to ask the prom committee girl if she had, in fact, been spawned from the depths of hell, perhaps being Damien's sister and all, but before he could, she was gone.
Stan then was able to magically locate his duffle bag. He unzipped it, and fingered the crow bar inside, balancing it in his hand. Kyle stared dumbfounded, as he slowly maneuvered his way up towards the front seat, stepping carefully as Brian Boitano began to gracefully drive the bus back to South Park.
He pulled back, and was about to swing…
…When Brian Boitano, still driving the bus with more grace and ease than was perhaps humanly possible, roundhouse kicked the crowbar out of Stan's hand, and cheerfully reminded him that the most recommended way to stay safe on a moving bus was to STAY SEATED at all times.
Stan, unable to ever object to Brian Boitano, turned and went back to his seat, glanced at Kyle. They smiled at each other awkwardly, and shrugged.
A/N.
One more chapter left. Thank you to those who have reviewed and/or favourited! Expect reviews filled with hugs and kisses soon XD
