Wild-filly: (dazed expression) Woooahhh… truly EVIL school-related workload at the moment. Talk about nose to the grindstone, I've been having a hellish time here (collapses into computer chair). Can't apologise enough for the slump in updates, so to make it up to you all somehow, I have personally answered all of your reviews and thank you all for continuing to read!

Hiddenwindmill: thank you… yes things were a little rushed, but that was predominantly because in wartime, no Jounin really has that much time to hang around I suppose. I won't give any spoilers about the rest of the fic, but I'll have to remind you that it is supposed to get darker… I'm not completely merciless though… Thank you for your comment!

Rose: lol, yes; am trying and trying to update whenever I can – glad that you enjoy it!

Andrea: wow… thanks a lot for that one. My already swelled ego has taken a turn for the worse (sheepish grin) I'm really glad that you like this fic so much – thank you for that!

Sky Spade: right here! Thanks for your comment!

Tora Macaw: lol, thanks! Yes, I did quite enjoy the mention, especially since I've now seen Hellsing and can't decide whether or not I'm so upset about the whole "dancing" incident (sheepish grin) It's great to have the humiliating moment immortalized…

Anime Lance: (grin) Yes, they are in a pretty bad state at the moment… never mind – shall deal with that in this chapter, never fear! (coughs) Ignore that comment… thanks for your support

TheMhnomi: Shonnikins, oh sister dearest? Thank you so much for the term… is this all a ploy to get advertising?

Grummur: lol, that they are! Not really a tree so much as a bird at the moment, but all the same… (snickers)

Loki: Yep, update whenever I have the computer to myself and to be perfectly honest, I'm fascinated to find out exactly what happens too (sweatdrop). I have a vague plot and lots of deviations…

Katzuki: lol, more fluff you say? Why not… it'll be coming soon anyways (grin)

Kimpster: Will do, thank you!

JapanAnimeGirl: (grin) I was tempted to let him have it as well, but figured it could wait a little longer, lol. It's nice to hear that Masurao is taken as well as Kuro is, as well – thanks!

Fritz Will Get You: lol, I'm glad you like it so much!

Lihang asul: Thanks for that… I do try to keep him acting in a believable fashion whilst going along a somewhat different storyline, so feel free to point out whenever I stray too far (grin)

Poi Poi: (snickers) Yes… he's my favourite character but I just have to make a fool out of him – I'm needlessly sadistic at times, but it's all the more fun that way (grin)

TEH CONFUZZLED ONE: don't worry, all will make sense in due time (smile) This fic is set in the present, but Kakashi's remembering the past – back to when he doesn't have the Sharingan. I promise that things will make sense later, but not necessarily in the same way that most people think they will…

Aika Yuzumi: Thanks for that (grin)

Fangirl not obsessive though: (snicker) Wonderful isn't it? Nothing wrong with fangirlish ways, just as long as they aren't too rabid… thanks!

LONEGIRL7: Thank you very much! It's great to hear that my ocs and the normal cast seem to fit together alright…

Disclaimer: Don't own don't sue.

Much more psychological this chapter – just thought I'd mention…

……….

Okumen Gokurakuchou: Chapter 20

……….

The rolling, surging motion of the bird's powerful flight muscles was even worse than the lumbering shuffle of the most uncoordinated camel imaginable. With every decisive wing beat, Kakashi could feel his whole body being thrown backwards, held in place only by the weakest of Chakra bonds. He couldn't afford to expend anymore in his current condition; he'd run the risk of blacking out in exhaustion and then plummeting to the ground. Not a pleasant option to consider at this current altitude. Kurotaka was leaning forward, staring down past the wing joint at the countryside sweeping below them. He wished she wouldn't do that.

"Hey Kakashi, we've just passed one of the bordering villages! Konoha'll appear any minute now! I didn't expect them to be so fast…"

"Wonderful" he muttered, face even paler than usual under the mask. Nausea gripped him spasmodically, burning the back of his throat, stomach writhing despite the fact he hadn't eaten anything for the last twenty-four hours. Was it the energy he was losing that caused the sickness, lack of food itself or just vertigo? It didn't really bear thinking about. However he was fairly sure that Kurotaka would not have so much of an interest in him if he proceeded to throw up about now. Quelling it was easier said than done though.

"Kurotaka?" Sweat beaded on his brow. "Is it possible for us to go any faster, or maybe to walk the rest of the way?" The burning at the back of his throat was now exceptionally hard to ignore. An unpleasant fatigue was gripping his muscles, loosening them to a shaky weakness and slackening his grip even further.

"Whatever for?" She glanced back at him in surprise. He stared back at her weakly, trying not to look too pathetic. It didn't seem to be working though, as she affixed him with an expression so filled with pity that he felt both extremely guilty and somewhat indignant. Honestly… he didn't look that bad, did he?

"Oh Kakashi… You should have said something! I didn't know that you were airsick!" It was almost scary how concerned she was now in comparison to her previous displays of complete disregard for his health. She leant forwards, precariously close to tipping all the way over the bird's neck as she reached to speak into the great creature's hidden ear. Head tilted on one side momentarily, the wing beats sped up, wind surging to batter even more powerfully against Kakashi's brittle body. He closed his eyes, trying to soothe his mind with meditation. Such a shame he'd never practised at such heights before. It brought a little comfort in that he couldn't see the ground any more, at least. Something warm wrapped itself around his shoulders. He didn't open his eyes. Kurotaka's complete disregard for heights and awkward positions when at great ones wouldn't help his situation. Her arm did feel comforting in its own way though.

There was an unpleasant jolt, followed by another from his stomach; now growling and burning with a boiling fury. He stifled a groan and the arm tightened around him. "We're descending into Konoha now Kakashi, you'll be fine. Just a few more minutes".

He couldn't even answer that with a grunt. He'd never felt more wretched in his life.

As minutes trailed by, taking what felt like an eternity with them, the ground spiralled closer and closer until at last the albino wings flared, a feathery crested halo around the two Shinobi. There was a soft thump and then a shrieking of scoured stone, as two sets of dark talons dug into the limestone brick of a convenient building, grinding until they sliced deep grooves into the rock and secured there. Kurotaka swiftly slid off the falcon's back, guiding Kakashi down like a boneless scarecrow. His knees nearly buckled with relief, legs like rubber when they hit the blessedly solid and relatively closer ground, still not wanting to open his eyes. As he heard an exclamation from the ever-delightful fellow Jounin that was Gai though, he forced them open. Now was not the time to add more to the blackmail list…

Gai and Masurao clattered down from their mount in suitably undignified and unskilled manners, both reaching up to steady Akiraka, who looked as though she hadn't been able to stifle her airsickness. She swayed uncertainly on her feet, eyes glazed over and unfocussed. Masurao bent over her, murmuring a quiet question to which he was given no answer, not even a flicker of an eyelash to suggest that she'd heard him. Masurao glanced over at Kakashi. "We need to get her to the hospital, quickly". He nodded, the nausea calming now but body still shivery with clinging, leftover fatigue and weakness that seemed to seep from the core of his bones. Maybe it hadn't been vertigo but Chakra drain after all.

Kurotaka surveyed the village from their current station; abandoned on a building with only fading clouds of smoke marking where the great falcons had once stood. "We're right on the edge of the village; it shouldn't take us more than three minutes to get there". Gai's eyes caught fire, one fist clasped in rabid determination. "We can make in less than that! The fair Akiraka-san will not suffer any more!"

With that declaration, he seized the ragdoll-limp Kunoichi and leapt from the roof, landing lightly on a bricked patio below and sprinting off, leaving only three stunned and somewhat disturbed Shinobi in his wake.

"Geez" muttered Masurao. "It's not as if the rest of us weren't headed there already". He turned to Kakashi, face radiant with innocence. "Would you like me to do the same for you, Kakashi-kun, or can you walk?"

A raw, very pained but none the less vengeful fist sailed through the air and caught the top of the grinning ninja's head, serving only to cause the fist's owner to yelp in pain and for Masurao to lose the few brain cells that he hadn't been using any way. Kurotaka sighed and resolutely glared at both of them as diplomatically as possible.

…….

"What the hell kind of a condition do you call this to come to me in!"

Blinking weakly, Kakashi opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by another verbal assault.

"You're a complete mess! Just what the hell caused this?" A gloved finger probed deeply into the inflamed mass of gashes that was his chest, forcing a yelp from Kakashi's throat and releasing a cloud of little gold stars to glitter all around his vision, as though someone had emptied a packet of glitter onto his retina. The matron grumbled to herself, removing the offending finger, sticky with blood and pus as Kakashi mentally reeled, grateful that he was already lying down. "I don't know… and you're a Jounin of all things. You're not supposed to get injured like this any more, let alone let it get infected".

Kakashi coughed, wincing as he did so; the tears on his chest threatening to rupture around the spot where the matron's fingers had already punctured. Despite his best rebukes, Masurao and Kurotaka had ended up half leading, half carrying him most of the way to the hospital. "How badly are they infected?" She gave him a dark look over the top of a pair of half-moon spectacles.

"You aren't going to be doing anything for a while, Hatake-san, that much is certain". She turned away from him, clattering away with a bundle of trays and something that sounded unpleasantly metallic. He wished that he wasn't him right now. From where he was lying stripped to the waist on a starched and sterilised hospital bed, Kakashi closed his eyes. He didn't want to witness what she was about to do, but knew that choices were limited, just as pain killers were.

"Your Chakra's almost drained dry and still going". It was a statement, not a question. "That should be indicator enough of how badly they're infected; that your body is drawing on everything it has to help itself. And all this running around and irresponsible behaviour has completely trashed your immune system, just in time for the infection to get into full swing. Frankly I'm surprised that you aren't unconscious right now". She turned back to him, hypodermic clutched in one hand. "If you don't sleep through this, then you'll have the pleasure of witnessing your chest being remodelled, so don't fight the effects".

"Are you always so blunt with your patients?" Kakashi let his arm muscles sag as she thrust the hypodermic needle deep into his upper arm, emptying some form of medicine into his body. All at once everything fell into a kind of haze, consciousness slipping away from him. He didn't fight it.

…….………

There was light coming in from the window. White, starched curtains fluttering in the gentle breeze that was admitted into the room by the crack that the glass was left open. Sunlight fell in dapples through the crisp linen material, dancing and shifting across scrubbed and spotless grey slate tiles. He let the shimmering, floating paths of the light occupy his mind, thinking of nothing except for their ethereal dance. It was all so detached, so surreal. His body was distant to him; numb from the eyes down. The breeze traced his forehead, cooling… such a peculiar feeling. He had never contemplated it before; the logic to being, to feeling… Complete loss of his sense of self and yet understanding himself more than he ever had. What drugs had he been put on? The trained responses that had been drilled into him after years of ninjutsu education were filtering through the protective dull fog, dragging his mind back into focus. Such distancing could be lethal; he needed to concentrate and regain himself. More than his mind; his body also.

Slowly he began to recognise his being, blinking and raising his stare from the floor. Someone was breathing nearby; a steady rhythm, but not the heavy breathing of sleep. Gingerly he tried to shuffle over, to sit up. Pain flared, every sensor erupting with a series of pain-filled messages that hadn't been delivered earlier and that were now anxious to make up for lost time. The intensity of it tore through him, agonised and deadening; consciousness almost ripped from him. Whoever was sitting next to him noticed, as there was a creak from a wooden chair and a soft clip of leather sandals. A pair of hands gently reached over, turning him from his side and onto his back. The movement robbed Kakashi of breath, chest tightening with agony and threatening to throw him back into a tortured slumber, but he forced his eyes to stay open, to meet those of the Third Hokage.

"Hokage-sama…" The words were raspy, disused. Just how long had he been out for? The very effort of those words near exhausted him, chest searing as though scalded with a branding iron.

The Third smiled, lifting a glass of water from the bedside cabinet to Kakashi's lips. Sipping at the tasteless distilled water, Kakashi shook his head and the Hokage replaced the glass. He tried again. "Hokage-sama, why are you here?" It still hurt, but he'd be damned if that stopped him.

Eyes bent into a gentle smile, the Third replied "it's my duty as Hokage to congratulate every new Jounin upon passing the exam, even during troubled times such as these".

Kakashi frowned. "How long have you been waiting for me to wake up, Hokage-sama?"

"You have been in a state of induced sleep for four days, Kakashi. I only came here a little while ago". The Third's eyes were concerned. "The wound you took could have killed you. It came very close to it, even with Akiraka's sealing of the bleeding so early. The medic-nin had to remove and re-fabricate much of the tissue in your chest cavity. You are fortunate though, in that they shall neither scar permanently nor affect your future as a ninja".

Kakashi cursed himself mentally. This still wasn't going to be pretty. "My companions… are they alright?"

"Yumenimo Kurotaka, Maito Gai and Irai Masurao were treated and discharged three days ago, as their wounds were comparatively minor to treat and required fairly little attention. Akiraka-san however, she remains to be in a very critical condition". Kakashi stared, tentatively edging himself backwards until he raised his head high enough on the pillows to look the Hokage in the eye. "What is the extent of her injuries?" He had assessed them himself from a distance a while ago, but needed his theories verified, along with his fears.

With a sigh, the Third shook his head. "She was tortured physically and mentally in that prison in hopes that her suffering would wring information from Gai. He gave them information that would take their violence from her, but it was too late as far as damage went. They kept attacking her even after their questions were answered. Her injuries will heal with time, but as far as I know the last time she acted like any semblance of her old self was when she healed you in the desert. Up until now though, she has been completely silent and dependent on the nurses to care for her. If she does not come to, then she will never be a normal person, let alone a ninja again".

Kakashi closed his eyes. Guilt, anguish. "Could I go and see her?" How could one so vivacious have lost it all so cruelly? That little strawberry-blonde whirlwind that had dogged his steps through childhood, camera and cheeky grin taking up most of her face.

"Later perhaps. I believe she is sleeping now".

"Are the others anywhere nearby? Have they tried to help her?" Of course they would have tried. Success in trying was another thing though.

"I'm afraid they've already been assigned to a new mission and their efforts were ineffective". He stared at the Third incredulously. "You shouldn't have expected anything else, Kakashi. We are in the middle of a war, remember, and we need every Shinobi we can get. Your comrades are required on the front lines more urgently than they are needed at your side".

"Where are they? Am I going to be sent on to join them?" Foolish, selfish words. He felt like a child for asking them, but couldn't hold them back. The answer already rang through his head, even without asking.

The Third smiled gently, "they're carrying out missions that concern only them and Konoha, Kakashi-kun. When you are recovered then you shall be sent on a mission as well, but probably not with them". The words carried a strange sting to them. He had been on many missions, with many different comrades every time; never before had he felt any attachment beyond union in a common goal with any of them. It was possible that he had picked up something else from this Jounin exam, something that he had never had before. Unnecessary attachment to one's comrades would only jeopardise the mission objectives; would only relive the horrors that his father went through. He couldn't replicate that terrible mistake; couldn't attach himself to others.

"For now though, your blood has been purified and the scars, although painful now, are completely closed. You just need to build up your stamina again and then you can get back to work. I, on the other hand, must leave you and return to my duties. Good luck".

Pale robes swishing, the Hokage rose, inclined his head to Kakashi and then disappeared behind the sliding door of the hospital room. Kakashi stared after him; mind a hive of confused information.

I could go after them. Disobey the Hokage's orders and go assist the others on the frontlines? Idiocy. He couldn't betray Konoha like that and his friends certainly wouldn't thank him from it. But if something happened to them while he was off running some other errand, could he forgive himself? Not his concern… they were elitist Jounin, not some Genin children; they could take care of themselves without him. But he'd never felt this kind of protectiveness over them, not even when he was younger and being looked after by Masurao and Akiraka. Not even back in the Academy, not even as Chuunin. There had never been the same level of danger, of… attachment. Yes, he'd always been fond of them, but never to the extent that he'd consider throwing aside everything he'd ever been taught. And then there was Kurotaka; a piece in the puzzle that completely threw his bearings – she didn't seem to fit into the puzzle as much as act as a centrepiece in the middle of it; conspicuous, imposing, out-of-place and yet irreplaceable. Such strange emotions she brought out in him; completely impractical emotions for a Shinobi. Nothing like he had ever experienced before; he had been admired all throughout his Academy days, but he had always been the admired; never the admirer. He thought he'd understood the rules to that game, but now he was reading an entirely different set. In a different language. Without a dictionary. In the dark.

The tangle of his thoughts was interrupted by a bustling nurse, presence announced by the clattering of a trolley and the declaration that he was to begin rehabilitation today. Despite his indignant protests, she insisted on helping him into his familiar dark training gi and hauling him to his feet. The pain of it was phenomenal, eyes rolling to the back of his head out of sheer reflexive agony, but she was relentless. With a vicelike grip she steered him through the room and out into the corridor. Each staggering step that he was dragged along by seemed to take an eternity –an eternity of muscular torture.

"Come on Hatake-san. You have been lying abed for only four days – your muscles haven't wasted completely, but it you don't start moving them now, then it'll take even longer for them to get back into practise".

Oh, how he loathed the voice of reason. He couldn't even stomach an answer to that comment. At least the scrapes and sores on his legs and arms were no longer smarting; albeit the pain that they had contributed seemed meagre in comparison to his burning chest. For all the agony that it caused, he allowed himself to be lead like a blind man, bent double through the hospital and into the gardens around the building, to be sat down on a bench.

His limbs appeared to be reacknowledging his ownership of them at least. Just a shame that he couldn't disown his chest and the pain that came additionally though.

………….

It was perhaps another three days before he could move around freely, chest stretching but not paining him so much anymore. According to the medic-nin in charge of his progress, the aches in his chest would wane over time, but in the meantime, he should try to resume life as normal. Visits to the training grounds confirmed his suspicions that his accuracy hadn't faded – should he be caught in conflict anytime soon, and then he could probably rely on his skills as a user of kunai, shuriken and genjutsu. As for his stamina… it would return in time. Today however, he had something more important on his mind.

A nurse barred his way, eyeing him curiously as he strode up to the sliding door of a quiet ward. "What is your business with the patient in here, sir?"

"She's a friend of mine; our injuries where both incurred on the same mission under Konoha's name". He spoke as politely as possible, trying not to liken the small woman to a squirrel, as he looked her into her overbright eyes, filling with a watery adoration. "I would like to offer her some support".

Face flushed slightly, twisting a lock of chestnut hair between her thumb and forefinger, the nurse beamed widely at him. "I'm afraid that the patient hasn't been responding to any kind of outside stimulus. It isn't likely that she'll even notice your being there". Her voice was in high falsetto; a complete disservice to any intelligence that she may possibly own.

Kakashi suppressed the urge to roll his eyes as she continued to ogle at him. Honestly. Could people at least try not to make it so obvious that they loved the sight of him? He'd only left his mask off because the doctors kept glaring at him with disapproval every time he donned it: their reasoning hopefully medical. Either way, his ego was quite overfed as it was. The sooner he was back in the company of the people who loved to hate him, the better. "That doesn't especially matter; I just want to see if she's okay".

'Okay then". With a nervous giggle, the nurse slid the door open. "If you want I can go through her medical file with you afterwards".

"A kind offer, but I'll have to decline since I'm sure that's illegal. Thank you all the same". He slid the door shut after himself. Unbelievable. His eyes roamed across the room, finally falling on the motionless form of Akiraka, sitting on a pristine hospital bed and staring out the window. Cautiously he approached the side of the bed, kneeling down on the floor in front of her.

"Akiraka? Are you listening to me?"

She blinked her eyes slowly, pupils shrunken to the size of pinpricks as she stared into the sun. He sighed. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. Her blank stare gave nothing away. A complete zombie.

"Akiraka… why are you letting yourself be overcome by this?" His voice was gentle, shaking slightly with concern. "You've spent years learning the way of the Shinobi, including the ways that people try to break us. You understand how they work, so you should know that these workings can be unpicked; they can be overridden". No response. She didn't even blink her eyes. He began to fear the worst: it was too late for any such words.

"Please… try to listen to my reasoning. The only way that you can live like this is if you let yourself; psychology is something that your own mind can master, no one else. If you let the horrors that those bastards subjected you to take over, then they've won". He searched her face desperately, voice threatening to allow more emotion through. He knew that his words were just preaching, the spouting of theories that made sense in textbooks and scrolls, but seldom applied to real life. They had to help. They had to be worth something more than theory.

She released a sigh, eyes still fixed on the burning morning sun. Her cracked lips moved, soundless. He leant in closer, trying to catch her words. She smelt sterile, the starched cleanliness of the hospital, with no trace of her favourite old lavender scents.

"Don't try to tell me, Kakashi-kun. I know. I know more than you ever will".

"Then you should fight it! Like you know you should – you're one of the best ninja I know, you can't let this happen to yourself". He stared at her in a mute horror. "Look at you! Your wounds have healed, but you're nothing but skin and bone. Why are you continuing the work that they started?"

"Because I know why they did it, Kakashi-kun". She turned sightless eyes on his, gaze an unfocussed glaze and blinded by sunlight. "I deserved this. I will bear it. I know what it is they wanted". He couldn't speak, completely aghast at her words.

"You never deserved this, Akiraka-chan". The words shook in his throat, choking his breath. "Don't anyone ever let you tell you otherwise". She smiled softly, shaking her head once. "It doesn't matter any more Kakashi-kun. This is my punishment. My sacrifice". He couldn't think of a single word to say; he was so appalled and shredded inside. Minutes dragged by, his dark eyes locked on her own, pale and spiritless pupils.

She said no more to him, eyes continuing to stare dreamily through him. At last he got up off the floor, not even bothering to dust himself off. Eyes still fixed on Akiraka were now brooding in sorrow, emotion almost escaping. "This wasn't your fault. It should never have happened". Empty words. Useless words in the face of such belief.

Yet it was with those words that he strode silently from the room, not even bothering to answer the flirtatious, high-pitched bantering of the nurse outside the door. His mind was a blur, soundless and screaming at the same time. With little thought in returning to his room, he found himself stooping to collect what possessions of his had been sent over to the hospital. Cramming the bundle of clothing and small personal items into a navy blue bag, he left the hospital via a window; a much more effective way of discharging and involving much less paperwork.

The Hokage's office became his mind's only goal, running, flitting ninja style over rooftops. Even joy from the returning sensation of his own strength, muscles gathering and releasing with practised ease and the wind guiding, buffeting against his body could not shift the dark pensiveness of the thoughts in his head. He had to get out of this mindset. And there was only one way that he knew could do this best. Reaching the distinctive building of the village's leader in a matter of minutes, he ignored the surprised welcomes of fellow Shinobi ambling around the winding passages until he finally arrived outside the Hokage's office, letting himself in to stand by the cluttered desk beside the other ninja gathered there. He stood there silently, oblivious to the startled mutterings that clouded the air around him. These words were meaningless. As meaningless as his own.

Smoking his pipe benignly, Sarutobi turned his critical glance to the emotionless Jounin before him, looking up from a wad of papers that he was reading out to a small group before him. "There is something that you require from me, Kakashi-san?" His voice was mild, eyes carefully scrutinising Kakashi's own. The other Shinobi stood in an appalled silence.

"I wish to be assigned a new mission Hokage-sama. My strength is not quite that of previous months, but my accuracy has not wavered. My only desire is to serve my village".

The Third Hokage stared even more suspiciously at him. "The hospital has not informed me of your discharge, Hatake Kakashi. I have no use for a ninja not at his prime".

"The land is at war, Hokage-sama. Every capable ninja is required and I cannot let myself idly pass the hours away healing when I know this". It was true, but not exactly the reasoning behind his sudden decision to pick up where he left off. He needed to get away from here; to get away from his thoughts – the thoughts that Akiraka had stimulated in his mind.

The Hokage waved a hand dismissively at the office-workers and curious ninja around them. "A moment please". As soon as the last one had filed out of the door, Sarutobi frowned. "Kakashi. I know that you're only doing this to escape yourself".

"If Konoha is in need, then why should I not offer myself to its service? I am duty-bound to serve this nation". Kakashi let no emotion beyond his face; now would not do for such a revelation.

"Stop quoting your Academy education Kakashi, I'm being serious". Kakashi stared bluntly back at him. "As am I".

"Not truly, no Kakashi. Perhaps in part, but you are too well trained a Shinobi to volunteer for missions when you know that your decrease in strength could potentially put others at risk. You cannot simply bury yourself in work to avoid reality. It's as destructive as what Akiraka is doing to herself right now".

Dark eyes flashed. "You've let her do this to herself. All of this education, this mindless propaganda has lead her to believing that she deserves to be tortured – to be a tool for Konoha". His fist crashed onto the surface of the desk, knocking a pile of papers to the ground and denting the polished surface underneath. His blood was boiling in an unreasonable fury, one that he couldn't even understand himself. "It sickens me, this pathetic, nationalistic cause".

The Hokage just stared at him mutely, eyes watchful. Kakashi felt the rage continue to bubble up inside him. "You aren't even going to refute that claim? Make no effort to state that Akiraka doesn't deserve this? That she was right to have lost her blood and sanity in the name of this village and its cause?"

"No Kakashi, I'm not. Because that's not the truth and you just can't bring yourself to accept it. You yourself don't even believe those words".

"Nonsense". A snarl. He could hardly recognise himself and yet had never felt more normal in his life. Kakashi barely registered the fact that he was almost shouting at, threatening the prized, beloved leader of his village. Something had snapped, released in his mind – a realisation that he had mused over for years, yet never shared with anyone. It had always been too dark, too deep for casual conversation. All it had taken was a personification of his fears to bring this tide roaring to the shores of his consciousness. Yet at the same time, with the rage came an accompanying anguish. They were all only pawns – game pieces of the diplomatic relations between nations, without concern for the wellbeing of the pawns themselves. Replaceable.

He raised one fist, clenched tightly to the point that his nails bit through the soft black fabric covering his palm, digging into calloused flesh and striking blood, a lazy crimson trickle staining his fingers. The pain flitted into his mind, already heavily laden with conflicting emotion and temporarily blocking all other thoughts from his head. He turned away from Sarutobi's calm, almost regretful expression, staring instead at his bloodied hand. He had just shed blood, and for what reason? He'd done it himself, for selfish thoughts that focussed only on his own horror.

"Kakashi". The voice was almost too quiet too hear, filled with a tone that Kakashi couldn't identify. Pity? Sorrow? Regret? It could even be anger; he couldn't tell. However, it was enough for him to lower his fist and return his gaze to the Hokage's serious eyes.

"You've seen what Akiraka has done to herself, but not all of it was self-inflicted. Much of the psychological damage had started before she even entered the exam. It is not Konoha's intention to produce mindless drones, submissive only to the village's cause; so don't embrace that illusion. Akiraka's troubles stemmed from her family's interpretation of complete submission and sacrifice to Konoha". Kakashi stared at him quizzically.

"That doesn't sounds like Akiraka. She never gave a damn about duty to anything in her life. Any of the instructors or her landlord could tell you that".

"It's true, your observation". Sighing and massaging his wrist distractedly, the Third continued. "However, that doesn't mean that she wasn't still subjected to these notions throughout most of her life. Maybe she ignored them for the most part, but it only takes one event for something to take on an entirely different meaning".

"That hell that she went through… that torture… she decided then of all times to embrace her family's lunatic notions?" The rage was stirring again. Kakashi glared down at the Hokage, despite the voice in his head informing him that the man could hardly be the one responsible for this. Not to mention the reasoning that he could hardly threaten a ninja with prowess of over one thousand jutsu. Logic was taking the backseat in this particular ride.

"So it would seem". Another sigh. "Don't think that I didn't try to help her Kakashi". Now it was Sarutobi's turn to glare accusingly. "I spent the best part of the time you were healing trying to reach her. She chose to fall back on her family's beliefs in order to survive the ordeal that she went through; believing that she was taking this all for a cause. It kept her alive, if nothing else. Can you accept that answer?"

Kakashi shook his head slowly, eyes as heavy as though lined with an invisible metal coating. He stared at the floor, unable to look the Hokage in the eyes. "No. But my choices are limited".

"That they are, Hatake Kakashi. I am as saddened as you are to be a witness to Akiraka-san's suffering; each person of this village is like family to me. I can feel your sorrow as acutely as I can feel that of her family – they never thought that it could come to this".

There was nothing more to say about that. He just wanted to abandon the whole, painful subject. "Hokage-sama. I wish to serve Konoha in a mission upon the earliest opportunity". Perhaps now his request would be met.

"You wish to join your friends from the Jounin exam?" Kakashi knew that if he answered this question incorrectly then he'd be sent back to the hospital for rehabilitation. Possibly under lock and guard, which would only make it so much more embarrassing. For the guard that was.

"No Hokage-sama. I will accept whatever mission that I am given; that is my duty".

And how he would ponder over those exact words over the coming years. Not that he planned to follow them exactly according to plan in this case. He had no intentions of allowing the same thing that happened to Akiraka befall Kurotaka.

………….

Wild-filly: T'would appear that we're getting much more serious now… Will update as soon as I get a break… possibly sometime in my next life (wry grin) Hopefully before then though (more cheerful grin)

MANGA SPOILERS FOR KAKASHI ARC IN NEXT CHAPTER– if you haven't read this far ahead in the manga, then I recommend reading them now; hey, I'll send you a synopsis to if you haven't read them yet… wonderful arc it is. I won't be rewriting the entire arc, just a mental tour, so if you want to get more background on this section, then please ask, I don't want people confused!