MORGANA POV
I didn't care for breakfast as I ate it. The bread was sucking all the moisture from my mouth, no matter how much water I drank to quell it. The tomatoes were sour, like that of a crude medicine. I hardly noted what else was on the plate. I hadn't wanted to eat any of it, but feared the physician visiting me due to my lack of appetite. As far as Gaius was concerned I was feeling all better now, the picture of perfect health. I preferred that he stayed away, I didn't need him meddling the way Merlin had. Not that Merlin wouldn't immediately tell Gaius what had transpired.
When I had finished the last distasteful morsel of food I stood and took a place at the window, watching people go about their business as usual, remembering when my life had been that simple. I knew many of the guards in the courtyard. Sir Erik, who still let his mother cook for him despite the grey hair starting to grow in his beard. Sir Rhys, who let more things slip by him than he actually caught. It was a wonder he hadn't been fired. For the new faces, nameless faces, I assigned my own stories to them, willing my mind to focus on anything other then the horrid sight I had witnessed not 12 hours ago. There was a time when I had created a story for Merlin. When he had crossed my sight on his way to the physician's chambers for the first time. I had fancied him a scholar, one who'd traveled far and from nothing to prove his intelligence to the king's court. I had named him something appropriate for a scholar who took himself too seriously. Something like Conall or Conner.
Within a few days though that view of him was shattered when he saved Arthur's life at a banquet. It had never occurred to me that the Prince's hero was the only one in the room not covered in dust and cobwebs. He alone seemed to have enough energy to move properly after the witch's spell had only just worn off. I had never once thought about how the chandelier falling might not have been luck. No one had seen it fall, no one had heard it groan before it broke. There was nothing indicating that it was falling into disrepair.
I refocused on the courtyard below, trying to find a new victim for my silly game. My eyes scanned over some servants, only to be met with the image of the boy I had just been thinking about. He walked confidently beside Arthur, listening as the prince rattled on about something that couldn't have been important to him at that moment. His stride was unperturbed by the injury acquired the night before.
"Morgana?" Gwen had crept up behind me.
Or maybe she had said something... I tried to regain my composure.
"I was thinking 'bout what to wear." I said with all the sincerity I could muster for a matter so trivial. It was hard to imagine ever going back to the way things were last year. I remembered countless occasions where I spent an entire morning deciding which dress would draw all eyes to me, but none of the memories felt real anymore. They were but shadows of a weak, dead girl. Now I have true power, I'll never let anyone take that from me again.
I knew it was pointless and yet I still found my legs leading me to Uther's chambres. There was, after all, a chance Merlin had no idea how to destroy the mandrake. One quick look under the bed crushed any small hope I had. Any last remaining faith in this plan. Gaius interrupted my search. Despite knowing he was toying with me I put on my act once more. If anything I had to make sure Uther couldn't hear anything incriminating. After that I steered clear of anyone who might already know things were not as they seemed. I watched the meeting to discuss preparation for siege from the shadows. There was low humming in my skin, something begging me to confront Merlin. Everytime I got up the strength to go talk to him I ducked out at the last second. The words I wanted to say were a jumbled mess. My heart would not shut up. I nearly pulled him into an alcove only to find myself fantasizing kissing him. Clearly those thoughts were remnants of a past crush. Feelings for the one person I thought understood me, the one who'd led me to be myself, who treated me special rather than feared me. I tried to squash them by thinking of the moment he poisoned me. That thought was no good either. It simply made me angry. He betrayed a fellow sorcerer to save his own neck as he started to fall asleep... His magic.. His magic didn't protect him.
"Don't worry," Merlin turned to me as he walked, keeping his voice down so Arthur would not hear. "I won't say anything."
"About what?"
"The illness." he didn't even hesitate before responding.
"That has nothing to do with me." I knew this to be a lie. I had begged Morgause for an opportunity like this one night before, I just hadn't expected the scale of it all. She had left me without witnesses to kill Uther, but now Merlin and Arthur had showed up so I wouldn't be able to kill him without them knowing I had done it.
"No, of course not!" He reassured me again. "but you have magic?"
"You haven't told anyone that?" I would be the prime suspect if anyone knew. Or, if Uther survived the day he would burn me alive himself.
"No, and I won't tell arthur but..." I could almost see him thinking, whether it was about the current situation or how to speak without offending me was unknown. "There must be something keeping you safe, I think that must be it."
How long had it taken him to realize Morgause was protecting me from the spell, that I had been working with her. All the side glances had actually been glares. I dismissed his austerity as weariness from travel and an effect of the spell that was currently afflicting him, dismissed him leaving me to the knight as cowardice, and most of all I had dismissed his betrayal as that of an ignorant scoundrel sacrificing a friend to save his own skin. That version of Merlin did not seem so clear to me anymore. When did he drop his cheery demeanor? I wondered. He was the same as always when he suggested dressing Uther as a woman. Only the Merlin I had known would suggest something so ridiculous. When he came back with the clothes however, his attitude towards me had changed. His words were forced and harsh. He didn't look at me nearly as much, avoiding my gaze accept to glower. Did he loathe me the same way I loathed him? Did he wish to see me suffer? So many questions. The only thing I knew for sure was that I no longer knew anything.
AN: Halfway through the next chapter of a simple realization and have already started chapter 6 of this fic. Still might take a bit as I'm working on a dark merlin one-shot titled "Child's play"
