Worthless, Chapter two: by Phoenix Pinion

Longingly, I glance at my arm. I can visibly see seven scars, all from my last cutting…'session'…pink and faded, but still depressing reminders of my past. They are slightly raised and stand out on my pale skin, begging me to make them bleed again…

            But I painfully shut my eyes and look away. I'm past that now – or I thought I was – and I can't do it again. But the more I steal little looks at those small slits, the more I can imagine when and how I cut them, and when the blood gushed, and when I gasped in a pained sort of masochistic pleasure…and the more I want to do it again.

            "…Sora? Are you listening?" I jolt and guiltily cross my arms inward, looking up and feeling a blush color my cheeks; Donald, Goofy, Leon, Aerith, Yuffie and Kairi look at me quizzically. How long they have been staring, I cannot tell.

            "Ummm…sorry, guys, my mind was wandering," I laugh weakly, "what were you saying?"

            The large eyes of Donald narrow in irritation. "Sora, what is wrong with you? Ever since we went to Neverland, you've been…distant," his voice fades on the last word. I feel a sudden swell of panic. There is accusation in those eyes. Could he know?

            My eyes widen without meaning to, and I gasp, "I'm…I'm sorry. It's just that Kairi…now that she's here, I…" My half-assed excuse works: Yuffie laughs loudly and saves me from the embarrassing situation.

            "Oh, go easy on the kid. He's love-struck, can't you see?" Kairi blushes to my color, and turns her head away from me. There is general laughter as the attention is shifted off of me, thank God. Then Leon continues with his lecture of sorts, talking of Ansem, Hollow Bastion, and what to do next. I try to listen, but soon, again, I look at the scars.

            I know how wrong it is. I know that self-mutilation is probably the most taboo and unheard of in all things. But at the moment, I don't care, and I just can't get out of my head my worthlessness. The scars taunt me all the more, reminding me of Riku and my humiliating defeat at Hollow Bastion.

            I mean, Hell. He just walked up, took the Keyblade, basically told me I was not good enough for it, and left with my only friends since Destiny Islands was attacked. And if that doesn't bring down someone's self-esteem, then what does? I felt like jumping off the floating world right then and there, but Beast helped me get through it all. But I hate even thinking about losing the Keyblade, and quickly shift my thoughts back to my…addiction.

            Last time, I know I went overboard. When we returned to Traverse Town to restock and rest after I had locked Neverland, I had just gaped at the scars; deeper than ever, they had been etched into my skin for eternity as if I was an artist using my own body as my personal canvas. I was nauseated and sickened by my pitiful addiction; it was hard to accept my incredibly low self-esteem.

            But addictions cannot easily be quieted…sometimes they never are…

            "Sora, all of our hopes rest on you," Aerith says quietly. Somehow, her soft voice penetrates to my ears more than Leon's. I look up at her, and suddenly feel like crying. How long must my pathetic secret stay a secret? Why did I start it? And how can I stop…?

            I have hardly an answer for any of them, and hold my tears. Though I was absolutely elated when Kairi regained her heart, and embraced me as a Heartless, I no longer feel that excitement. It's my fault she lost her heart anyway…maybe, just maybe, if I somehow could have kept Riku from going to the darkness, Kairi would have always been safe…Riku wouldn't have been evil…I wouldn't be waiting impatiently to get out of a conference so I could run away and cut myself…

            But everyone is dispersing, and it seems as though the meeting of sorts is over. Leon gives a loving look to Aerith, who smiles blindingly back, and they walk out together followed by Yuffie. Donald and Goofy leave to upgrade the Gummi ship for our hard journey ahead, and Kairi strays off behind Yuffie. I feel a devilish smile twisting my lips before I, too, leave.

            I force my loping gait to be relaxed and easy as I also exit the motel, drawing my Keyblade and readying to disperse of the small amount of Heartless that are still lingering in Traverse Town. Inside, I am shaking with dread…and excitement…

            Before I know it I am at the entrance to the Item/Weapon shop. Huey, Dewy and Luey grin at me.

            "Hello, Sora," Luey says. "What do you want?"

            "Do you have a dagger? It can be the cheapest one." I tremble harder. God, what am I thinking?! I can't do it again…no, I promised myself I wouldn't! But…but…

            "Our least expensive dagger is this one," Dewy pops up with a plain-looking, polished wood-hilted dagger. I take it in my hand, feeling it mold to my fingers, and shake even more. Already its edge starts to twitch towards my wrists, and I slam it down quickly on their counter.

            "I don't care how much it is, I'll take it," I plead desperately, and spill my green Munny orbs onto the counter – 400 in all – grab the dagger, and walk away.

            "Hey, you need your change…!" Huey quacks, but I am already out the door and couldn't care less about change. Finally…after two weeks, I can do it again…gasp in the pleasure of the pain, stare, fascinated, at the blood that will stream down my palm.

            And I am finally there. I wade into the dark, yet clean, water of the so-called Secret Spot of Leon, up to my waist at its highest point, and ready for my task. I have removed my socks and shoes, and they are neatly piled right where the sandy rock dips off into the beginnings of the underground lake. Standing in the near-darkness, my eyes flutter as I waste no time and slit my wrist. This cheap knife is even sharper than Peter's; it slices through my skin with ease, and I gasp in pain.

            But I tire of such…trivial matters. I know that the last time, I wondered what it would be like to…taint, defile, call it what you will, other parts of my body, but I was too frightened to do it. But now, I am bold…I wish for more excitement…and after I easily slit five other wounds in myself, I draw my knees to my chin and kneel. My chin just reaches the water level.

            "Masochistic…" I gasp, "Oh, God…"

            Slit ankles bleed even more than slit wrists.

            Now the water is beginning to tinge pink from all of my spilt blood, and I hack at my ankles with glee. I can feel myself losing my careful grip on reality, can feel my depression deepen, but I couldn't care less. Die, you bastard, I think as I begin to sway in wooziness.

            "Sora!" Jolting in shock and pain, my dagger cuts deeper than ever, and I hiss in a cloudy, fog-filled pain as the voice continues in a shout, "What are you doing?!"

            Killing myself…can't you see?

~To Be Continued

Author's Notes – Wow, I actually continued this story! Heh, I typed it really, really fast. Grammatical errors abound, but I just wanted to post this soon, or else I won't have a chance to. I didn't want my one-shot to have, like, no storyline like it did. So this time I focused more on storyline than just self-mutilation.

            So, who found out Sora's secret?! What is he gonna do now?! AAAAAAAAAAAHH! Find out tomorrow: Worthless, the new TV smash, on channel 3! No, just kidding. Find out whenever I update next, probably in about a week. Thanks, all! Bye ~PP