Looking out the window, Katie hugged her knees as she sat on Dr. Hanson's sofa. Having found comfort in going every two weeks, she'd continued her therapy after she'd returned from Oxford. On this particular day, she had more worries than usual.
"Do you think it's possible for someone to be like two different people, but not be mentally ill?" Katie asked, not taking her eyes off the pigeon that had taken up residence on the park bench outside the window.
"I guess that would depend on what you mean. I'd need to know more. Usually, if someone has two different personalities—"
Glancing up at Dr. Hanson, Katie interrupted, "No. That's not what I mean. Not two different personalities. Not like one is good and one is evil. It's almost like one minute he is there and the next…" she didn't finish. Instead, she just looked out the window again.
"Which 'he' are we talking about? Danny?" Dr. Hanson asked.
"Danny," Katie confirmed in a whisper.
"Okay. You told me a couple of weeks ago that he'd been through quite an ordeal, but you said that he seemed fine."
"He did seem fine. At first, it seemed like everything was back to normal, but something is different. He's different," she responded quietly.
"How do you mean?" the doctor prompted.
"One minute, he is the same Danny. He's engaged in every moment. He jokes and he smiles. Then the next minute, he's a million miles away. And he swears that nothing is wrong. Right after the shooting, I was staying at his apartment. I had to wake him up because he was having the worst nightmare. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and he said he couldn't remember what he was dreaming. Ever since then, he either makes a point of taking me back to my apartment so we don't sleep together or he just doesn't sleep. The other night, I woke up and he was sitting on the floor of the bathroom just staring off into space. I'm really worried."
"It definitely sounds like something is wrong. It's not unusual for someone to suppress PTSD after an event like that. I'm surprised the FBI didn't send him to mandatory counseling."
"They did," Katie replied. "He told me that he saw the FBI psychiatrist twice, and she cleared him for the field. But that doesn't surprise me. Danny can make anyone think that he is okay. It's just because I spend so much time with him that I catch him when his guard is down. So now, I think he is trying to put distance between us. The last two nights, he's told me that he's too tired or too busy to see me. That just isn't Danny, Dr. Hanson. The man I was with four weeks ago would have spent twenty minutes with me if he was too busy or would have just wanted me in his bed if he was too tired."
"It's only been a month, Katie. Maybe he just needs some time."
"Maybe, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm losing him."
"Is he still going to AA meetings?"
Nodding, Katie answered, "As far as I know, but he's never really talked about that a whole lot – even before the shooting. He comes home from them, I ask him how it went, and he says it went fine. That's it. He told me about his sponsor, Ray, once. But it seems to me that AA is almost like a habit for Danny. It's like jogging or going to the same place for coffee every morning."
"That's not unusual. How about coming here? Do you think Danny would come to a session with you? Maybe you could talk to him more easily about all of this here."
"I'm sure getting him to see the FBI psychiatrist was like pulling teeth. He wouldn't want to come here unless he thought there was something wrong with me."
Frowning, Dr Hanson said, "Listen, Katie, it's only been a month. I'd give it a little more time. And maybe he does need some space to work through the trauma. Not every one deals with these things in the same way."
"I'm just afraid that space will lead to distance, and then one day I'll wake up and we won't be together anymore," she said as her eyes welled with tears.
XXX
After her session ended, Katie decided to go see Danny. It was Saturday morning so she assumed he'd be home, and they really hadn't seen each other much all week. During her session, she'd made the commitment to just be there for him. She wouldn't force him to talk or deal with anything. She'd just try to be a light place for him while he seemed to be going through a dark time.
Using her key, she opened the door to his apartment and called out to him. "Danny?" But there was no answer. "Danny? Are you here?" she asked walking back to the bedroom. Entering his bedroom, she was caught off guard at seeing him still in bed, wearily rubbing his eyes. Clearly, she'd woken him up. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I just finished my session downtown and figured I'd catch you here. It's almost noon. Are you okay?"
Nodding, he sat up in the bed, still rubbing his eyes and raking a hand through his bed-head. "I'm fine. I just didn't get much sleep this past week. I got home late last night," he said in a slightly annoyed tone.
"I'm sorry. I should have called," Katie said starting to back out of the room. "I'll just go and you can call me later when you are feeling better."
"Wait. You don't have to go," he said as he hesitantly stood up.
Stopping in front of the bedroom door, she took a moment to appreciate his appearance. She'd never seen him look like this. Bags under his eyes, it looked like he hadn't slept in days and with his boxers barely clinging to his hips, it looked like he'd lost ten pounds. "Have you eaten anything?" she asked her voice full of concern.
"What?" he asked in a confused tone. "I just woke up."
"I know, but have you eaten anything in the last few days? You look really worn down, Danny."
"Of course, I've eaten. We ordered in pizza last night when we were finishing the paperwork on our case. I'm fine. Don't worry," he said in an even more annoyed tone.
"You're fine," Katie repeated in barely whisper. She'd heard that phrase so many times from him in the last month; she thought he should have it tattooed on his forehead. She wanted to tell him as much, but she tried to remember what she'd committed to in therapy. "Do you want to go lunch or something? As I recall, the last time I was here there wasn't much in the fridge."
"Maybe later," he replied. "I think I'm going to go for a run," he said as he made his way to his dresser and pulled out a pair of track pants and a t-shirt.
"A run?" again she wanted to say something more. He shouldn't be running when it looked to her like he was in bad shape. "Okay. I could come with you. I think I have my running shoes here."
"No," he responded a little too quickly. "I mean, maybe another time. I just wanted to go on my own this morning."
"Okay," she replied, trying to hide the hurt in her voice. She watched him walk into the bathroom after he finished dressing. While she watched him brush his teeth, she wondered what she should say next. She wanted him to respond to her. She wanted him to act like her Danny and not like a stranger. Remembering a conversation they'd had earlier in the week, she asked, "Did you see Martin this week?"
Splashing water on his face after he finished brushing his teeth, he took a moment to towel off his face before answering her. "No. I didn't get a chance," he replied in a barely audible tone.
"So you really haven't talked to him, have you? I mean, when we stopped by a few days after-," she paused not wanting to mention the shooting, "well, he was asleep. So you really haven't talked to him at all."
"I guess not," he said in a short tone as he sat on the edge of the bed to put on his socks and running shoes.
"So maybe we could do that this afternoon. After your run, we could go see Martin and then grab some dinner."
Letting out what Katie could only describe as a disgusted sigh, Danny rose from the bed and headed for the door.
"Hey," Katie said, touching his arm to stop him from walking away.
Shrugging her away, he raised his hand as if to tell her that he didn't want her near him. The gesture was very quick, but Katie was very aware of the intent behind it. Just seeing the cold look in his eyes made her eyes fill with tears. "What is wrong with you?" she asked desperately.
Shaking his head, he continued to back-pedal towards the door. "Nothing is wrong. I'm just tired of constantly having to answer to everyone: you, Jack…everyone. I don't need you or anyone else to tell me when to see Martin or when to eat, for Christ's sake."
"That's not what I'm doing, Danny. I'm just saying—"
"Can we please talk about this later? I have to get out of here. I need some air," he said as he opened the door and walked out.
After he walked out, Katie collapsed onto the sofa as she replayed their conversation in her head. She'd intended to keep things light. She'd intended to do whatever she could to not make him feel worse, but she'd failed miserably. He was angry with her now. After taking a few moments to collect herself, she dried the tears that fell as soon as he walked out the door.
Knowing that he wouldn't want her there when he returned, she left his apartment and walked down the stairs. As she walked out of the front door of the building, a man, who was struggling with the intercom button panel outside the door, stopped her.
"Excuse me, ma'am, but does this buzzer thing work? I press the button of the apartment I'm looking for, but I don't think anything is happening," he said in a frustrated, but polite tone.
"Sometimes, it doesn't work very well. My boyfriend says it's easier to just yell up at the window of whoever you are looking for," Katie responded, smiling as she remembered Danny's little joke about his run-down building.
"I have no idea what window is his," the man replied. "Maybe you can help me?"
"I'll try, but I don't know many people in the building. Who are you looking for?" Katie asked, almost thankful for the diversion from her emotional state.
"Danny Taylor," the man stated.
Smirking, Katie shook her head at the coincidence. "That's actually my boyfriend, but he's not here. Can I help you?" she responded.
"Katie? You're the "Katie"? the man asked.
Starting to feel slightly uncomfortable with this man who clearly knew who she was, she responded, "Um…who are you?"
Holding out his hand, the man explained. "Ray…Ray Williams. I'm a friend of Danny's. He's spoken very highly of you."
And then it clicked—Danny's sponsor—Ray was Danny's AA sponsor. "Of course, Ray. Danny has told me about you as well," she replied, shaking his hand.
"How's he doing? I haven't seen him around in weeks and the guy has forgotten how to return a phone call."
Biting her lip, Katie suddenly felt a sense of panic. What if Danny had stopped going to meetings? But she didn't communicate her panic to Ray. "Um…busy…very busy," was her only response.
"I can imagine. I hear they are two agents down on his team. I'm a detective with NYPD so I know how stretched things can get when people are out."
Smiling, Katie tried not to show her worry. "I'll tell him you stopped by. It was nice to finally meet you," she said, wanting to ask so much more, but knowing it wouldn't be appropriate.
"You, too," he said, starting to walk away, but then stopping abruptly. "Hey, do you have time for a quick cup of coffee?"
"Um…I…um…I don't know if I should. I mean, I'm not sure you and I should talk about Danny."
"Who says we are going to talk about him?" Ray asked with a carefree smile on his face.
Feeling instantly at ease, Katie accepted his offer and they went around the corner to a coffee shop.
XXX
"You know I'm the reason Danny is an FBI agent."
"Really?" Katie asked with genuine curiosity. They'd spent about five minutes talking about things other than Danny, but they both knew they wanted to talk about him.
"Yep. Let's not beat around the bush. I know you know Danny's in AA, and that I am his sponsor."
Katie nodded.
"Well, we met at his first or second meeting. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but there. I'd been sober over five years then. I'd never sponsored anyone before, so I thought he looked like a good candidate. I'd been about his age when my wife told me to either sober up or she'd leave me. She was pregnant at the time. Anyway, I felt like Danny was a kindred spirit. It's pretty awkward to be 24 years old, addicted to alcohol, and trying to commit to be sober for the rest of your life."
"I can't imagine," Katie said quietly.
"At least I was family man. I wasn't going to bars and going out with friends. For the first couple of years, Danny was so afraid of temptation I don't think he left his apartment. And that's where the FBI came in."
"How do you mean?" she asked, fascinated by this new glimpse into Danny's life.
"He'd graduated law school, but missed taking the bar, and for some reason, didn't want to take it. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life. I suggested law enforcement. He told me there was no way he was going to be cop – something about running from them too much as a kid. So we compromised. He applied to the FBI. Training for any kind of law enforcement job is demanding, but training for the FBI is almost like the military." Ray shook his head, remembering. "He really excelled at all of it: the order, the routines, everything. He threw himself into it the first couple of years so he wouldn't have time to give into temptation."
"AA has almost seemed like a routine for him in this last year that I've been with him."
"That's exactly what it is. It's has to become a part of you for it to work."
"Are you here because Danny isn't going to meetings?" Katie asked suddenly, knowing that Ray couldn't answer.
Giving her a small smile, he patted her hand. "I'm here because I care about him and I know he's going through a rough time. But I also know he's a resilient guy. He's overcome a lot in his life, and he'll get through this, too. It's nice to know he has someone like you. Danny's always been such a loner, even when he's been in relationships. For the first time since I've known him, I know for sure that he isn't alone."
This made Katie smile as her eyes filled with tears. "Thank you," she said, her voice breaking.
"Listen, we'll both keep an eye on him. If he falls, we'll be there for him. That's the best we can do."
XXX
After her conversation with Ray, Katie felt a little bit better. And then Danny called her later and apologized for being so cold to her. They went to dinner the next night, and things got better for a few days, but he was still distant with her and hadn't wanted to talk about anything that was bothering him.
A couple of weeks passed and it was harder and harder for Katie to keep pretending that everything was okay. They seemed to be going backwards in their relationship. She hadn't spent a night with him in weeks. To make things worse, she'd started to teach a couple of night classes in the fall term. Because she had to teach the previous night, she missed going with Danny to see Sylvia and her new baby daughter. So, she called him first thing the next morning.
"Taylor," he answered.
"Morning," she said hesitantly. "I…um…I thought I'd hear from you last night."
"Right. I'm sorry. I…uh…I brought Nicky back to my place last night. He was getting kind of tired of staying with Sylvia's sister. I guess I just got sidetracked – we had an Xbox tournament, of sorts."
Despite being slightly annoyed with him, Katie smiled at the thought. "How's the baby?"
"She's perfect. She and Sylvia are both doing great and should be released today."
"Does Sylvia need help or anything?"
"I think she has enough help. Her family has been really great. She did appreciate the gift bag. She said it was the best gift she received. Thank you for doing that, by the way. I know you put a lot of thought in it. I tried not to take too much credit for it."
"It was my pleasure, Danny. Maybe we can see them tonight?"
"I hope we can. I just got a call about a missing boy. I'm on my way to pick up Sam."
"Okay," she said and then suddenly remembered that it was Wednesday. "Hey, Martin is due back today, right?"
"Yeah. He is," he answered in a distracted tone.
"Well maybe things will be a little less hectic now that he and Viv are back. I know things have been tough at work lately."
"We'll see, I guess. Listen, I have to go. I'm getting another call."
"See you tonight?" she asked hopefully.
"Come over after your class. If this case winds down, then I'll see you tonight and we'll go see the baby," he replied.
"Great. Talk to you later," she said before he clicked over to his other call.
Knowing that Martin and Vivian were back gave Katie hope that Danny would get back to normal. She was also glad that Sylvia had given birth to a healthy baby. Danny had been worried about all the stress she was under because of Rafael. Now that things were calming down maybe he would be less preoccupied and more engaged in their relationship.
XXX
Katie received a message from Danny late that afternoon saying he wouldn't make it home in time to see Sylvia. So Katie decided to visit Sylvia and the baby on her own. Afterwards, she went back to Danny's apartment in hopes that she'd see him later that night. Knowing that after having such a long day all Danny would want to do when he got home would be to shower and go to bed, she got ready for bed and laid down.
After finally drifting off to sleep, she was startled to feel a dip in the bed. Opening her eyes, she saw Danny sitting on the edge of the bed. Clad only in his boxers, he was just staring off into space again. Still half-asleep, she reached out to run her hand down his bare back to let him know she was awake. At the feel of her hand, he shuddered a little and then looked down at her with the same haunted, lost eyes that he'd had after the shooting.
As she tried to wake herself more so she could ask him what was wrong, he laid down next to her and then rolled to hover over her.
"How'd your case—"she started to ask, but was interrupted when he started to kiss her. The kiss deep and hungry—Katie was caught off guard by the intensity and pace. When his lips and tongue trailed down her jaw line, she took a moment to catch her breath and then tried to say something again. That's when he stopped abruptly and looked in her eyes, as he gently put his finger against her lips.
"Shhhhh," he hushed her, with a pleading look in his eyes.
Feeling unsure of what to do, Katie didn't say anything else—so Danny proceeded. While kissing and touching her, he next tugged at her t-shirt and pajama pants. Katie couldn't help but feel that he was different, like there was more urgency. It was like he wanted to focus all his thoughts and energy into sex so the thoughts would stop racing in his head. So Katie let him—she just let him make love to her until he was spent and couldn't do anything else but fall asleep. But she didn't fall asleep after—instead, she lay awake most of the night trying to figure out what to do.
The next morning, Katie pretended to be asleep when Danny's alarm sounded. After he rose and left for the shower, she took his pillow in her arms and reached over to turn on the morning news. It didn't surprise Katie to hear reports on a missing boy that had been found in his school the night before. She listened to the reporter give details about the explosives, a failed detonation, and a child's life ruined. Taking a deep breath, she realized that this was what Danny had been dealing with the night before. She wondered if she had been an alternative to drowning his sorrows in alcohol.
When he got out of the shower, the silent, brooding man from the night before seemed to disappear before her eyes. Bringing Katie her coffee with a warm smile on his face, he said, "Morning, baby," and kissed her on the forehead just like always.
Grabbing his hand before he could get up, Katie asked, "Are you okay?"
Putting on hand on her cheek, he kissed her again and then nodded. "I just missed you." The look in his eyes pleaded with her to accept his excuse for not talking to her and for the intense, physical encounter of just hours before.
Rising, Danny walked over to the closet to pick out his suit. Katie watched as he went through his morning routine as though nothing had happened, as though nothing was wrong. Wrapping the sheet tightly around her body, she sat back against the headboard. Watching him move around the room, her heart started to feel heavy. Towel wrapped low around his hips and a soft smile on his face, he was still the most beautiful man she'd ever seen—on the inside and out. Knowing that made what she was about to say all the more difficult.
"I can't do this anymore," she stated softly as she wearily raked her hands through her hair.
