Notes: Thank you for the reviews. You guys are the best. And a special thank you to Mariel for all your input and encouragement.
At first, Danny wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly so he just stood there in front of the closet and didn't answer.
"I said, I don't think I can do this anymore," Katie repeated.
"I heard you," he answered, without looking back at her. What else should he have expected? Jack had basically threatened to fire him less than twelve hours earlier because he continued to 'screw up'. And now Katie wanted to leave him because she wasn't happy with him anymore.
"Are you going to say anything?" she asked, her voice full of desperation.
Finally turning around, Danny tossed the suit he'd taken from the closet onto the chair next to him. "What do you want me to say?" he asked quietly, feeling fear surround him.
A clear look of frustration crossed Katie's face. "I want you to react. I want you to care about this…to care about us. I want something more than what happened after you got home."
Sighing heavily, he hung his head as he responded, "If you didn't want—"
"It's not that, because I did want to be with you. Lately, I'll take anything I can get, because I never know how you're going to be from one minute to the next. But it would have been nice to know why you were so distracted. I would have appreciated hearing that you were hurting because your case didn't go well, or because you were nervous about Martin returning. But instead, you don't say anything. You just expect me to accommodate you. And I do it because I love you, but that isn't enough anymore. I haven't spent the last two years trying to rebuild myself, just to feel like a doormat in this relationship, too," she said, her damned-up emotions finally breaking forth.
At first, he allowed himself to consider her frustration, but soon, he felt only anger. He looked up to face her, his eyes stormy. "How dare you. How dare you compare our relationship to your marriage? I've never treated you like that. I've done nothing but support you. You know that. I'm sorry I haven't had the time to be your cheerleader lately, but I've had some stuff to deal with in my own life."
Rolling her eyes, Katie stood up from the bed while holding the sheet in place. "I know!" she responded in a raised voice. "Don't you see? I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to help you just like you helped me, but you wouldn't let me."
"I don't need any help!" he yelled back. "I'm fine!"
"You're not fine!" she screamed as though she'd been waiting to say that for weeks. "You're scared. You feel guilty about that night, just like you feel guilty about your brother. And you can't stop thinking about it. And just like when you were left at that shelter when you turned eighteen, you think you can handle it on your own. You think you can get through it by yourself. But don't you remember? You let me help you back then. So why are you shutting me out now?"" she asked as tears flowed freely from her eyes.
He remembered. He remembered being scared, lonely and extremely cold until Katie forced him to come home with her.
Danny sighed, and kept a tight rein on his emotions. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to her; it was just that he was afraid if he verbalized everything he was feeling, it would make it all too real. Suffering in silence, he thought, was like doing penance. Talking it out would bring closure, and that was something he didn't feel he deserved.
"This is different, Katie. You saved me back then, but I don't deserve to be saved now," he said quietly as he slumped down on the bed.
Feeling Katie kneel down next to him, he met her eyes as they looked up into his. "Martin's injuries aren't your fault," Katie told him softly. "You didn't shoot him."
"I could have reacted faster. I could have covered him when he backed up the car. I could have checked to see if he was okay before I got out of the car," he said desperately, his voice cracking with emotion. "It should have been me."
"No. It shouldn't have. It shouldn't have happened to either one of you."
"You didn't see him yesterday. It's been six weeks and he's still walking with a cane. I'm walking around like nothing happened, and he's-" pausing, Danny took a deep breath to stop himself from breaking down. "The worst part is that I couldn't make myself see him. And he says not to worry about it, but he saved my life that night – and I couldn't make myself visit him in the hospital. I don't deserve to get over this. I don't deserve to have someone like you help me through it."
Her hand ghosting over his cheek and then tangling in the back of his hair, she pressed her forehead against his. "Yes. You do."
A few moments passed, and neither said a word. Katie rose so she could sit down next to him. Feeling her hand make small circles against his back, he finally felt able to speak again.
"What happened to that kid yesterday was my fault, too," he whispered, almost feeling like this was confession.
"How?" she asked in a confused tone.
"Jack told us to sit tight. He told us not to confront him if we found him in the school. We were supposed to wait for the bomb squad," he responded, his voice breaking again.
"What happened?" Katie prompted, her hand still resting on his back as she gave him a light kiss on his shoulder.
"I saw him in the cafeteria with his finger on the bomb detonator. I thought I could save him. I thought…" he trailed off.
"You did save him, Danny. He's okay. He's safe."
Hesitating, he glanced at her before shaking his head. "He pressed the button, but the detonator was faulty. I backed him into a corner and he pressed the button. I almost got us both killed. My mind…I wasn't thinking clearly. I should have stayed back, but I thought…I thought I could handle it. All this stuff was running through my head, and I said all the wrong things. I think Jack thinks that I wanted that kid to set the bomb off."
"No. No, Danny. Maybe you made a mistake, but you didn't want that child to die. I know you didn't."
"You're right. I didn't want him to die. I just wanted everything else to end. I just…" his voice finally broke and gave way to a gentle sob. Katie turned him toward her, taking him into her arms as his face buried into her neck.
XXX
Nervously, Danny rode up the elevator. He was late. Taking a few deep breaths before the doors opened, he stepped out of the elevator. Glancing towards the bullpen, he saw Martin sitting at his desk. Viv and Sam weren't there. Then he turned toward Jack's office. Speaking into his cell phone, Jack looked tired and agitated. Danny's first instinct was to bypass Jack all together and go to his desk, but that would just prolong the agony.
Slowly entering Jack's office, he stood at attention in front of the desk until Jacked ended his call.
"Sorry I'm late," Danny started.
"I'm surprised you're here at all," Jack said in an exasperated tone.
Danny could see he was still angry. He could see that Jack was disappointed in him and it was killing him.
"I shouldn't have talked to that kid last night. I wasn't in the right frame of mind, but he saw me first. I couldn't just walk away from him, Jack. I couldn't just leave him alone. But I am sorry for not following your orders and for causing that boy any problems or pain. I never intended—"
"I know," Jack interrupted. "I know you would never intentionally do anything like that. But it doesn't change what happened. It was my mistake, too. I've been trying to run this team like nothing happened. We're still short-handed, even with Martin and Viv back, so maybe an extra body will ease the stress a bit."
"What?" Danny asked, not sure he heard Jack right.
"I've decided to add a new agent to the team."
"Jack, that's not necessary. We'll be fi--," he started to say 'fine', but then remembered his conversation with Katie that morning. "Actually, you know what? That's probably for the best," he said, not wanting to cause any more conflict.
Nodding, Jack said, "I think so." It was apparent by the tone in Jack's voice that he was surprised Danny wasn't putting up more of a fight.
"So are…are we okay?" Danny asked in a shaky tone.
"If you can show me that you're the same agent you've always been, then we'll be fine. I'd send you back to Dr. Harris, but you seem very adept at pulling the wool over her eyes."
Danny had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "I've just had a tough few months, but things are getting back to normal now. I haven't changed. I'll show you I haven't changed."
"Fine," Jack said simply as he stood up. "Viv and Sam are interviewing the family of a missing grandmother. I'm pretty certain she just wandered off, but there was blood in her apartment. Martin is running her financials and background. You and I are going to talk to her ex-husband."
Nodding with his usual eagerness, Danny followed Jack out of the office.
XXX
A few days later, Danny still seemed to be holding things together. Jack even told him that he'd done a good job on their latest case. Seeing approval instead of disappointment in Jack's eyes made all the difference to Danny.
Things with Katie were better as well. He'd been more open with her than he was with Jack, but he knew that wasn't enough. Part of the reason it was so easy to shut her out was because he had kept her out of his recovery process. Even though Ray had told him that he needed to bring Katie into his AA recovery, he'd hesitated to do so because he didn't want to show her how weak he really was. He was afraid of scaring her away. But on this particular night, he decided he had to make her a part of it.
As he walked quickly toward the community center, he noticed her standing in the doorway. She was talking with Ray and his wife, Karla. Danny's stomach started to turn with nervousness at what they must be talking about.
"Sorry I'm late," he said as he approached them. "I had to finish up some paper work." After giving Katie a quick kiss on the cheek, he continued, "I see everyone is getting to know each other," he said in a nervous tone as he also greeted Karla with a kiss on the cheek and shook Ray's hand.
"You bet," Ray replied. "Actually, Katie and I are old friends now."
"Really?" Danny asked suspiciously. "Why does that scare the hell out of me?"
Smiling, Katie took his hand. "Actually, I think it's Karla that you have to worry about. She's just been telling me about all your old girlfriends. I had no idea."
"Oh, this is just a bad idea all the way around," Danny said shaking his head. "We'd better get in there before I lose my nerve."
As Ray and Karla entered the building, Danny pulled Katie back. When she turned to him, he gave her a soft, lingering kiss. With his hand on her cheek, he pressed his forehead to hers. "I'm really glad you're here, baby."
After kissing him again, Katie replied, "Me, too."
They walked into the room together and sat by Karla. Keeping hold of Katie's hand, they watched Ray start the meeting.
"Good evening, everyone. My name is Ray, and I am an alcoholic. I've been in recovery for almost fifteen years. For those who may be new, don't be alarmed. There usually aren't this many people at the meetings. Once a month, we ask our families and loved ones to join the meetings. This is a special day because it gives us a chance to celebrate birthdays with our families. Families, friends, and loved ones are such an important part of our recovery process. Personally, I would have been lost without my wife so I'm particularly happy that she is here tonight, as she has always been here for me."
As Danny glanced at a tearful Karla, he also noticed tears come to Katie's eyes and gave her hand a squeeze.
Ray continued, "I'm also particularly happy tonight because a very special young man wants to speak. His birthday is in a few months, but he really wanted to talk tonight. There's really no stopping him when this guy wants to talk so I couldn't say no. I say he's special because he happens to have one of the best sponsors around. Yes, I'm talking about me," he said as the group laughed. "I'm kidding. He really is special, despite the fact that's he not always as communicative as I'd like him to be. He's had kind of a tough time the last few months. He's gone through things that have greatly tested his sobriety, but he's here today celebrating his 9th year. Come on up, Danny."
Turning to him with a surprised look on her face, he gave Katie a kiss on her forehead before standing up. He hadn't told her that he would be speaking. After walking up to the podium, Ray gave him a quick hug.
"Hi," Danny started. "My name is Danny, and I'm an alcoholic." After waiting for the group to greet him back, as usual, he continued, "Um…I guess I should start out by saying that despite having Ray as a sponsor, I'm still here today," he joked and the group laughed with him. "Seriously, Ray's great. I don't have to tell any of you that. He's taught me so much about conquering this addiction. I know I wouldn't be here without him."
"I started drinking so early in life that I don't even remember my first drink. I did it because I saw my father and brother do it. There was a time in my life when I wanted to be just like them. But I know now that I didn't continue drinking because of them. I learned pretty quickly that I didn't want to be like them so that couldn't be the reason I continued to drink. I drank because it was the easiest way to numb the pain. It was the easiest way to forget who I was and how crappy my life was. But then there came a time when my life was getting better," he said as he looked directly at Katie. "I had a clear direction. I had supportive people in my life, and yet, I continued to use alcohol. I knew I had a problem then, because I just couldn't stop."
"In college, I think I quit drinking a thousand times. Every day, I'd wake up and say, 'Danny, you idiot, you have everything going for you. You have a shot at the future. Don't drink today.'"
"But by late morning, I'd be adding vodka to my orange juice just to get through the afternoon. During this time of my life, I told a lot of lies. I used a lot of people, especially women, to try to make myself feel better. I hurt a lot of people."
"My life followed the same destructive patterns through law school. A lot people wonder how I made it. I became an expert at hiding. I could put on a happy, carefree face and convince everyone that I was okay. I could sleep through exams, and find a way to convince the instructor to give me a retest. I was so good at it that I thought I could do anything, as long as I could drink my way through it."
"The night before I was supposed to take the Bar exam, I crammed for it. Just on a side note: You can't cram for the Bar exam. What's worse is that, once again, I actually thought drinking would help me. When I got in my car that morning, I was drunk. My parents died because my father drove drunk, yet I thought I would never get into an accident. Thankfully, my 'accident' just caused me to get arrested and miss the Bar. I very easily could have killed someone or myself that morning."
"That's what did it for me. I knew I had to stop. I knew I'd end up hurting someone if I kept drinking, knew if I didn't stop right then and there, there'd be nothing to stop my downward slide towards following in my father and brother's footsteps. So I went to rehab and started going to meetings. I wish I could say it was all my choice, but part of the reason I didn't go to jail for driving drunk was that I agreed to go to rehab. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. By going to AA and with Ray's help, I got my life on track."
"I know I make that sound really easy. It wasn't easy. It was hard as hell. And I thought about quitting every day. Sometimes I still think about quitting. I've thought about it a lot lately. This past year has been the best and one of the worst of my life. It was the best because I found my soul mate again," he said as he looked at Katie, who had tears streaming down her face. His voice breaking as he continued, "It was one of the worst because I didn't help my brother soon enough after he got out of prison. I wasn't there for him. Ray says it wouldn't have made a difference, but that's hard for me to believe. He's back in prison now, and it's hard to not to feel responsible."
"In addition to that, I had a pretty awful thing happen at work. My partner almost died. I haven't really worked through all of that, so I'm not ready to talk about it. But when this awful thing happened, I almost lost the best thing that's ever happened to me because I was so afraid of her seeing the weakness in me. Every night, I'd wanted to drink so bad I could taste it. But I was too afraid to tell her how close I was to giving up. Maybe I haven't worked through everything that happened with my partner, but I have realized that I can't shut Katie out. As my wise sponsor once told me, she needs to be a part of this," he said as he looked at Katie again. "Baby, I'm really happy you're here tonight. You're so important to me, which is why it was so important for me to share this with you," he said as he gave her a supportive smile.
Wiping the beginning of a tear in his eye, he said, "I should probably end this. If you're new tonight, I just want you know that it's possible. It takes work, but sobriety is possible and it will change your life. It changed mine. I wish I could say it gets a lot easier, but it doesn't really. Sometimes it's even harder, but if you let yourself be loved and supported – that does make it easier. That's one of hardest lessons I'm still trying to learn," he said before wiping his eyes again and stepping away from the podium.
The group applauded as he made it back to his seat. He took Katie in his arms for a moment. "I love you," he whispered in her ear. "Thank you for not giving up on me."
XXX
They went to dinner with Karla and Ray after the meeting. They laughed and talked for hours. On the walk home, Danny saw Katie shake her head as she laughed to herself.
"What's so funny?" he asked pulling her a little closer as they walked arm in arm.
"I can't believe what a great time we just had, considering how our evening started. I don't think I've laughed that hard in months."
Smiling, Danny responded, "Take it from me, it's much easier to get through these kinds of problems if you can joke about it."
"Karla and Ray are pretty amazing."
"Yep," he said as he opened the door to his building and let her in.
Grabbing the mail from his mail slot, they quickly made their way up the stairs. After letting her into the apartment, he encircled her waist and backed her against the door as he closed it.
"What are you doing?" she asked in a teasing tone as he inched closer and closer to her.
"I'm about to thank you again, in a more demonstrative way," he said before leaning in to kiss her.
They hadn't been together since the night he had come home after the Ryan Wallace case. He'd wanted to wait until this night, so they could be together again after he'd told her all the things he'd been hiding from her. He never wanted her to feel the way she had that night ever again.
Kissing her deeply, he let the stack of mail drop to the floor so he could use his both of hands to undress her.
Laughing softly, she looked down at the pile of mail as he kissed the curve of her neck. "Did you even look at that?"
"Look at what?" he asked while continuing to kiss her as he finished unbuttoning her blouse.
"Your mail."
"The mail is kind of the last thing on my mind right now."
"I can see that, but don't you want to know if the test results are back yet?" she asked in a breathy tone.
"Test results?" It took him a minute to remember. The Bar exam. It had been over six weeks since he'd take the exam. The results were due any day now. "It can wait. Believe me, it can wait until later," he said as he removed blouse.
"Danny, it will just take second, and then we'll know. I've been on pins and needles all week expecting it to come," she said as she pushed him away lightly and bent down to pick up the mail.
Rolling his eyes, he followed her over to the sofa as she sifted through the pile. "That's funny because I haven't thought about it in weeks. Good thing I have you around," he deadpanned, but silently was thankful that she seemed so excited and concerned for him.
Ignoring his comment, she started to scan through them. "Bill. Bill. Student Loan Association, probably a bill."
"It's always nice to be reminded of my ever-growing amount of debt. Thanks for that. That's really keeping me in the mood." Sighing deeply, Danny leaned back into the couch cushion. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head back while he listened to her ramble on.
Suddenly grabbing his arm, he heard her exclaim, "This is it! This is it! The Manhattan Bar Association. This has to be it, right?"
Opening his eyes, he looked at the legal-sized envelope in her hands. That was it, he thought. Swallowing hard, he leaned forward and took it from her. Raking a hand over his face, he read the front of the envelope and wondered if he was really ready to handle whatever the results would be.
