In this chapter: The world as Naruto knows it is changing, for better or worse. He reflects.

Warning: slightly poetic, slightly angsty. SasuNaru/NaruSasu hinted at, but so is GaaraNaruto/NarutoGaara. Nothing explicitly shounen ai, even... just feelings and thoughts.
Naruto PoV.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I really don't.


Author's note: ...this story is so confusing...the poems referenced are chps. 11 and 17 in my collection of shorts, "in the mind of a fool" or whatever I titled it (someone needs to help me with that title/summary/thing...).

So. I think I'm gonna play with Sasori in the next chapter of this...yay?


tracing the fire...by Taes

Gaara, you know, really does mean something to me. I don't know what, mind you, but I do know that he's important. As important as a guy can be to me right now…

I can't really help but backtrack, can I? Much as I despise explanation, or going over stuff that I'da left alone. Dude. Really, it's a guy thing…maybe a human thing, you know? Nobody likes ta repeat 'emselves, nobody likes to go and refine what they said.

I guess it's 'cause the act of explaining is like an admission…It's like sayin',

'All right, kid, I gotcha. We aren't exactly alike…'

…and ya know what?

It's not 'xactly fun being different all the time.

So.

Yeah.

What was I talkin' about?

Oh, yeah, Gaara, wasn't it?

…he's different from Sasuke in a number of ways. For one, he's got incentive or somethin', he actually acts on what he feels. Take me, f'r instance. He liked me, after a bit, so he told me.

I, being the easy goin' kinda guy I am, decided that was cool. So, y'know what? I kissed him.

And that was that.

So, yeah, we took each other to lunch an' stuff. We sorta tested our limits (pretty loose, but not quite to the, 'say any shit you want, I'll hear it, and still love ya, jackass,' phase Sasuke 'n me were at).

So. Me.

I was bored.

I was lonely.

Gara said he thought I was okay, so.

Yeah.

Did I mention that I'm lonely? 'cause, shit, man, I ain't. Serious. I mean, I shouldn't be, right? I've still got Sasuke. I've still got my friend…

…it's just…

…different…

Shit, man.

I don't even know what I'm sayin'.

Y'know, something about veggie pizza makes it better after the first serving. I mean, when you put it in the fridge for an hour or two, and then heat it up for dinner (or breakfast)? That's when it tastes best.

I told Gaara so, once.

He just laughed at me, in that weird, creepy way of his.

Sasuke…wrote me a journal, the other day…or, maybe it's a poem…or a story…I'm not sure which.

It has to do with me, and him…

…and y'know what?

It was really cute. He was comforting a wall, because he thought it was lonely.

It made me sad, too.

I'd give anything for the Sasuke I know now to be…I dunno, a kid…just a kid who's growing up with us two. His kid, maybe…

Our kid would be better, but, that's impossible.

I wish it weren't.

I wish it wasn't like this.

The other week, you know, just after Sasuke got moved into his blue, blue room with the too serious nurses—who'll never let me take Sasuke for fireworks, you can bet the farm on that—just after that? Gaara's sister got married.

Temari, you know? She's blond, blue eyes, like me. But she doesn't smile much, she just looks softly at the bloke she's maryin', and her eyes speak worlds.

Seriously.

And you shoulda seen 'er 'fore the wedding! Shit, man, she was so nervous it looked like she was gonna cry…I ran into her while she was standing on the stairs of the mansion they had the ceremony at, and man, she was beautiful…just like a painting or something…but the look on her face, she looked like she'd swallowed some bitter poison, some news of death or—insanity—that didn't reach her well.

She looked so lost, I had to stop.

So I put down my boxes—complicated origami folding that Sasuke taught me, that Gaara thought'd make good favors to set on tables for guests to take home—and I went up to her.

She was startled, when I put my hand on the small of her waist. She looked at me with alarm, with surprise and shock and fear in her eyes, when I'd almost forgotten who I'd come with.

Her brother, Gaara, I guess he scares more 'n just me, on a dark an' cloudy night.

…maybe it wasn't all that cloudy, but shit, let me have a lil' artistic license, will ya?

It'll be okay, I told her.

And she just smiles a little shaky, and asks, have you seen Ryan?

I stare dumbly for a minute, until it hits me. Ryan's her husband. Uh, he's outside, I think, I tell her.

She breathes a sigh of relief. I'm not supposed to see him, you know. Before the ceremony?

I think it's a load of shit, that ol' tradition. Most of 'em are, but I smile and nod.

She seems happier like this, and I wish that there was some kinda thing I could do, like that. I'd even hide from my groom, if it meant I could share some of her raw feeling, just for a day.

That's the funny thing about weddings. People say that married couples aren't as passionate as dating kids, but hell, with all that anxiety crammed into one day?

I can see where it all goes…

…it goes by in a whirlwind of amazing, eye opening feelings that I can't even begin to describe.

Yeah. I say. You don't want him to see your dress yet, do you?

She smiles back at me. No, she says. I'm afraid he won't like it, she laughs, and nervousness flares in her eyes again.

I feel myself smiling. No, he will. I say, and rub another circle around the small of her back.

She relaxes, just a bit, and I see her bridesmaids, all a twitter, relax a bit, too. They'd been trying to get a guy to say so all day, I'd bet.

A smile twitched across the girl's face, and a hint of mischief covered her blue eyes. I bet it makes me look fat.

The bitch, she really is Gaara's sister. Just tried to make me squirm, the lady…I liked her a lot more, then.

I sputtered, and all the bridesmaids snicker openly.

In Japan, they'd have hidden their mouths.

Sasuke told me so.

…when we were kids…

I made my excuses, and went off to find Gaara.

The only reason I went, see, was 'cause he needed a partner for his duet…a song of the desert, a song of loss and love. Not really appropriate for American weddings, but we switched the words around to make it work.

See, Ryan's not a good friend of Gaara.

Gaara, I expect, scares the hell outta him, seein' that the dude's insanely protective of family.

But Temari wouldn't have him left out of her big day, so he gets a job of singing while they light some candle or whatever, but, shit, he's got a baritone voice, and they need a tenor for the melody.

…me and my big mouth…

Drags me all over the place, you know?

It was the second time I'd been to that place, with the weeping willows and green, green grass around the fountain…the first was just the day prior to the ceremony, when we'd been given our 'roles,' so to speak, by the guy in charge.

Shit, man, those words are hard, for that song? We sang the wrong part, too, and oh fuck, the look on Temari and Ryan's faces was just like, ohmigod. Should we have agreed to this in the first place?

Made me nervous as hell.

Later, some kid nephew of Gaara's or Ryan's or somebody told me that we weren't singing together.

It took me a few hours to figure out that that wasn't our fault…the stupid mike? It was next to Gaara, and me, I'm all the way behind the preacher. Sound travels slower 'n people realize, and the difference is what people catch, you know?

…Gaara, you know…he's pretty amazing…

Sasuke, too.

The old Sasuke, you could put him anywhere, even in front of a whole group o' people with a candle behind him—just waiting to catch his shirttails on fire—and he wouldn't flinch. He'd just smirk his arrogant Uchiha smile, and do as expected.

Flawlessly, 'cause that's just how he is.

Was, I mean.

…I don't even wanna think about what my Sasuke'd do now…

Fuck…

Gaara just ignores everybody, I'm telling you…

He'd be an excellent politician, in the meetings and stuff, but he's got to work on his public presentation…he scares the pants off of everybody…

There was a kid, at the wedding. She was all smiles, all grins and yet spoke with an intelligent, crisp accent I couldn't help but think as foreign. But she was funny…just 'fore everyone got there, just 'fore the whole thing started, she got this camera, see?

And you know what she did?

She stood up on top of the fountain ridge, just to squeeze everyone in, and with all the catcalls tellin' her not to fall or something, she leans back and—miraculously—doesn't fall in.

I bet that picture has everyone smiling in it…

And, see? There were these little, little kids, too, that are so sweet and so goofy to everyone that I wanna take 'em to meet Sasuke, take 'em to cheer him up and let him be soft and cozy to them, and maybe, just maybe,

find a bit of the old Sasuke, waiting behind a layer of confusion and fear…

…but, that Sasuke….

The old Sasuke.

I don't think he'll ever come back.

I've been listenin' to shrinks for a year now, and none of 'em disagree…you can't just go back after something so profound happens.

You can't just pretend like nothin' happened forever.

Your head won't let you, your mind won't, neither…

…as much as I want it to…

…as much as I want…

…to trace the fire shadows, and find him, waiting.

Waiting for me.

…hell, yeah…

I'm not lonely.

Not at all.


tbc...

Not sure where this thing's going, but it's going somewhere. Thoughts?