Chapter 7: This Phantom… doesn't… like… HOCKEY!
Disclaimer: We've been over this six times already. Come on, no one is this dense!
Just Plain Insane: I'm Canadian, therefore I know all. I just sent my beaver army to spy on all my reviewers and study their habits as they read phanphiction, that's all.
Tsuyayaka: … the sad thing is, I would read that and review for every chapter.
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"I," Said Raoul, after getting away from the rabid beaver from hell and making his way back to the Opera House/ Hockey rink, "Have a plan, eh?"
"If this involves Phantoms being bitten by rabid beavers again I'm not interested." Christine muttered, leaning close to the mirror to fix her make-up.
"NO!" Raoul shouted, "I now know the Phantom was never bitten by a rabid beaver. He is, in fact, a Beaver whisperer."
"… A what?" Christine asked, raising her eyebrows in a way that suggested that Raoul was a total idiot.
"A beaver whisperer." Raoul shifted his eyes from side to side as though he where checking to see if someone was listening in on their conversation.
"… Yeah…" Christine rolled her eyes. "So, what's your plan, eh?"
"… Plan?" Raoul echoed.
"… Your plan to 'defeat' the Phantom?"
"… I shall trap his pet beaver and use it as a bartering tool!" Raoul cackled in a rather lame way, and then added, "And once I'm done, I'll turn him into a hat."
"WHAT?" Christine shouted, "WHY WOULD YOU TURN IT INTO A HAT? It's cute, eh?"
"… I like hats…"
"Well, you do whatever you want." Christine muttered, leaving the dressing room, "But I'm going to act in this opera, so there."
"But Christine, wait, eh?" Raoul shouted, chasing after her as she ran outside and into the minus one hundred weather, "The plan is-"
Unfortunately, Raoul wasn't wearing a jacket and froze instantly. The Managers found him later and had to defrost him before the big premier of the Phantom's opera: Don Juan, the Beaver.
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The entire stage was filled with people dressed as beavers, polar bears, and seals, except for Carlotta, who was dressed as a tree, much to her chagrin. The Phantom's opera was so wonderfully Canadian that everyone in Canada and some people from Alaska had come to see it. Fortunately, there are only, like, two hundred people in all of Canada, so everyone fitted well in the seats. Andre and Firmin where stressed terribly, but even they had to admit that they had never seen such a crowd before.
The storyline went like this: one beaver wanted to be a hockey star, but no one really believed in him except for his beaver-girlfriend. They where drawing towards the end of the play before things started to go slightly wrong. Piangi, who had been playing the hockey playing beaver, came out to the managers and said, "Someone took my costume, eh?"
"Nonsense." Firmin muttered, "You're acting on stage right now, eh?"
Piangi crossed his arms over his chest. "Do I look like I'm on stage?"
Andre glanced at him and then turned to see the beaver on stage (who was wearing a goalie mask). "Shiznit…"
Now the goalie mask beaver (who was the Phantom, and I'll be typing that now because "goalie mask beaver" and "hockey beaver" sound stupid, no matter how Canadian I am) and his girlfriend (Christine) where singing together as they skated along the ice on stage.
Unfortunately, just as the Phantom Beaver was holding the Christine Beaver in his arms and proclaiming his undying love for her, Raoul ran onto stage, shivering from being frozen.
"NO!" The fop shouted, "CHRISTINE, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! LOOK, eh!" And, with that, the idiot fop tore off the Phantom's mask and the head part of his costume, revealing (dun, dun, dun!) his scarred face.
A few of the Americans ran screaming out of the stands, but the Canadians where too polite for that and they just sat there, smiling and waiting for the idiot to get off the stage so they could see the end of the play.
Raoul dragged his hand across his face in despair, and then came up with an idea. "Wait a moment! You know what? This Phantom…" he lowered his voice, shifting his eyes from side to side, "Doesn't… like… hockey…"
It was pandemonium throughout the opera house! Audience members clawed their way onto stage, trying to get at the Phantom. HOW DARE HE NOT LOVE HOCKEY? Meanwhile, as the Phantom and Christine where distracted, Raoul lured the Phantom's pet beaver into a cage and locked it up. The little creature squealed in fear, clawing at the bars (which where metal, so he couldn't chew his way out) in a mad attempt to get back to his beloved owner.
At that moment, the Phantom activated his trap door, enabling him to escape with Christine. The mob clawed at the floor in confusion for a few moments, trying to find the way to the Phantom's lair.
"Sue!" Raoul shouted, tugging the cage towards the old woman, "Where did they go?"
"I'm not telling you, you moron." Sue muttered.
"But… the Phantom lost his pet!" Raoul cried, "I need to return it to him."
"Oh, poor little Phantom Beaver!" Sue exclaimed, sticking her fingers through the bars to rub the little animal's silken ears, "Of course I'll take you to them!"
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"Christine, I know we haven't known each other long," the Phantom said once they where back down in his lair, "But…" he brought out the most beautiful wedding dress, complete with snow-white hockey gear, "Will you marry me?"
"Oh, Mister Phantom!" Christine shouted, throwing her arms around him, "I'd love- wait!" she let go of him and went running around the lair. "Oh, no!"
"What?" the Phantom asked, a little peeved at avoidance of answering.
"Your pet beaver!" Christine grabbed its leash, "Raoul kidnapped it!"
"THAT STUPID FOP!" The Phantom thundered. "If I wasn't Canadian… I'd do something violent…"
"He's going to use it as a bartering chip! He wants to trade you, me for the beaver." Christine shook her head. "He's such a nuisance…"
"CHRISTINE!" Raoul's voice bounced off the walls as he ran onto the scene, the beaver clawing desperately at the bars of the cage, "I'm here to save you!"
Christine groaned. "Dear god!"
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… I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS! (That means review)
