Forward
Author's note: I'm not too fond of this story, but it's already written and it seems like a few people are enjoying it so I'll keep putting the rest of the parts up.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Derek pulled his hands through his hair. What the hell was he going to do? What was there to do? He was tired of living a lie. He could never love Addison the way she deserved to be loved. His heart belonged to someone else. Meredith was broken and it was his fault. He had broken her, and as good as last night felt he was pretty sure he had broken her even further. He had to see her, but he didn't want to cause her even more pain.
He looked into his bedroom and gazed at Addison. Her red hair was sprawled across her pillow. God, she was so beautiful. He was so sure at one point she was the love of his life. What happened? Why couldn't he love her anymore? He wished he could pinpoint the moment in time that he fell out of love with her. It happened long before Mark. Mark just finally gave him an excuse to leave.
He didn't think she would follow him to Seattle. He wanted to love her. He wanted to make things work, but his heart was some place else. Meredith. Her touch. Her eyes. Her hair. Her. He wanted all of her, and there was nothing he could do about it. He knew he didn't deserve Addison or Meredith.
Would Meredith have him after all that had happened? Why did he feel the need to be a good guy? The moment he received the divorce papers from Addison he should have signed them. What was he trying to save?
Regardless of Meredith and what was going to happen in the future he had to leave Addison yet again. His heart was gone, and he was pretty sure Addison already knew this.
He opened up his top dresser drawer and pulled out the divorce papers. Every morning as he got dressed for work he was faced with these papers. Every morning he had to convince himself that they were trying, and their marriage was salvageable. Derek reached for a pen. Slowly he began to sign them. His hand shook uncontrollably.
He walked out of his bedroom and placed the papers on the table. He felt like an ass for doing it this way, but he couldn't face Addison. He knew he was being a coward. Addison deserved answers. She deserved to know what happened last night, but at the same time she deserved to be in a marriage full love and passion.
He knew he could not avoid the inevitable. He would have to talk to Addison. He would have to talk to Meredith. He would have to figure all of this out, but later, not now. He knew he couldn't fix what he had done in the past. He had to look forward. He had to begin to fix the things he had so badly damaged.
He grabbed his jacket and quietly exited the trailer. He looked around the land that he owned, and felt completely overwhelmed. What good is having two million dollar a year hands when his heart was falling apart, no one to spend his life with. He had to see Meredith. He wanted nothing more than to hold her broken body in his arms and comfort her. He wanted to tell her that he would never leave her again. He wanted to promise her that she would never again feel pain. He wanted to promise her that he would protect her not matter what came her way. He wanted to promise her that they would grow old together.
He got into his car and simply let his heart drive. He knew he shouldn't go see Meredith. He knew he should probably go to the hospital. He knew at the very least he should have stayed and waited for Addison to wake up so her could talk to her. He knew many things, but he had to do what he wanted to do. He pulled in front of Meredith's house. He couldn't bring himself to get out of the car. He just sat there.
He saw Finn leaving Meredith house. He looked visibly flustered. What had just happened? Was Meredith okay? He knew it would be selfish for him to talk to Meredith now. He waited for Finn to pull off. Derek rested his head on the wheel, and fought the urge to cry. He had to do something, anything. But for now he put his car in drive and drove forward.
