Chapter 8: Do I Smell a Plot Twist?
Disclaimer: Say it with me… "WanderingTeen owns nothing"
-
"PHANTOM BEAVER!" The Phantom cried.
"Yes, I have your little friend." Raoul attempted an evil laugh and ended up sounding like a wounded chipmunk. "So, I propose a trade, if you ever want to see him again, eh? Christine for the Beaver."
Christine glared at Raoul. "Raoul, I have tried to tell you this before, but you're so stupid that I guess I'll have to just come out and say it: I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, YOU STUPID IDIOT!"
Raoul blinked, and then turned to the Phantom. "See, she doesn't like you."
"SHE WAS REFFERING TO YOU!" The Phantom shouted.
"NO, SHE WAS REFFERING TO YOU!" Raoul shouted back.
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT REFFERING MEANS!" Christine cried.
"… WELL I THINK I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA OF WHAT IT MEANS, SO THERE!" Raoul shouted. "NOW MAKE YOUR CHOICE!"
The Phantom sighed. "I can't make a choice! I love them both!"
Christine whirled to stare at him, her eyes shining, "You love me?"
The Phantom smiled sadly. "Isn't it obvious?"
"That's so sweet! And, now that I've had a moment to think, I think I have a plan." With that, Christine advanced on the fop, singing quietly, "Pitiful creature of stupidity, what kind of life have you known? God-"
"I've had a very nice life, actually." Raoul interrupted, "I'm rich, handsome, Canadian-"
Christine slapped him silent, and then went on, "God give me courage to show you, you are not alone…"
And then, though it disgusted her to do so, she kissed the fop!
"No!" the Phantom shouted.
Raoul pulled away first, a strange look in his eyes. Christine took the opportunity to get away from the fop and wipe the cherry lip-gloss from her lips.
"So," Raoul said, flipping his hair, "Then I guess that means you like me, eh?"
"Dear god, NO!" Christine shouted in exasperation, "That was all a ploy to get you to give the Phantom back his pet beaver and leave me here with him! I want nothing to do with you!"
"… But you think I'm attractive?" Raoul prompted.
"… Sorry, you aren't my type." Christine muttered.
"… BUT I'M HANDSOME!" Raoul shouted.
Christine sighed. "Look, just give me the beaver, all right?"
"NEVER!" Raoul held the cage out over the lake. "Now, let Christine go or I SHALL DROP THIS BEAVER INTO THE WATER! MUA, HA, HA!"
"Um, Raoul," the Phantom said in a very nice, Canadian way, "Before you do that, let me just point out-"
"I'LL DO IT! I'M CRAZY!" Raoul insisted.
"I've no doubt of that. It's just that-"
Raoul glared at him. "YOU'RE UNDERMINING ME! Well, we'll just see what happens when you're beaver is in a metal cage and he sinks and drowns!" With that, the fop dropped the cage…
Which landed safely on the solid ice of the lake, meaning that the beaver was save, even though it was a bit peeved.
"… The lake is frozen, eh?" The Phantom finished dryly.
Raoul gave a nervous giggle. "Oh, yes…" he glanced around and then saw a hockey stick. He grabbed it and started to smash it into the ice with all of his strength. "I WILL BREAK THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE, EH!" He shouted. "I WILL FREE CHRISTINE!"
"… Raoul?" Christine muttered.
"What?" he asked, still chopping at the ice.
"Um… I really don't want to go with you."
"LIES!" Raoul shouted.
"But-"
"LIES!"
"Raoul, please be reason-"
"LIES!" He panted, "That Phantom-person has you under a spell, AND I WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO SAVE YOU!"
"Hasn't it even occurred to you that maybe I like him?" Christine asked, exasperated.
The Phantom looked up. "Like me…?"
"You mean, as in you're Canadian and are therefore nice to everyone and, therefore, you like everyone?" Raoul asked.
"No, as in, like, as in, love." Christine muttered.
There was a moment of silence throughout the lair. Even the Phantom beaver stopped his terrified squeaking to stare at Christine.
"Well," Raoul finally said, breaking the silence, "That was unexpected, eh?"
"I was sure that there's be more of a struggle." The Phantom agreed.
Christine nodded. "You'd expect that, wouldn't you?"
"… BUT STILL, I SHALL SAVE YOU FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THIS EVIL BEAVER WHISPERER!" Raoul shouted.
The Phantom raised an eyebrow. "Beaver whisperer…?"
"Raoul thinks that you've been bitten by a radioactive beaver and thus have beaver powers." Christine sighed.
"NO!" Raoul screamed, dropping the hockey stick. "That was yesterday's theory. Today's theory is that he can somehow speak to the beavers!"
"… Or, perhaps I have a bond with this particular beaver because it is my beloved pet." The Phantom suggested.
"Perhaps… but a beaver whisperer sounds so much better!" Raoul exclaimed.
Before any more arguments could be made, the trio (and the beaver) heard the sounds of an angry mob approaching.
"MUA HA HA! Now you shall be vanquished by all of the Canadians in the world!" Raoul cackled.
"SHIZNIT!" The Phantom shouted. "Now what are we going to do?"
"Wait, wait…" Christine smiled brightly. "I think I have another idea."
The Phantom made a face. "Does it require kissing that?" He pointed to Raoul who was doing a crazy victory dance.
"No, no." she assured him, "This one is much better, trust me."
"I hope so." The Phantom said, watching the mob file into his home.
"Oh, I smell poutine!" One exclaimed.
"Nice TV!" Another cried.
"Well, this is a really nice place…"
"Was that a skating rink we just crossed?"
"PEOPLE, PAY ATTENTION!" Raoul shouted, "THIS MAN," He pointed at the Phantom, "HATES HOCKEY!"
"LET'S GET HIM, EH!" The Canadians shouted, and they ran at the Phantom.
"WAIT!" Christine interrupted. She held out a music box with the shape of a goalie beaver on it. She turned the key and the music to the Good Old Hockey Game filled the room.
"I LOVE THIS SONG!" A random Canadian shouted.
"Listen," Christine said, "The Phantom doesn't hate hockey. He loves it. He even wanted to be in the NHL… but they wouldn't help him because of that little face problem."
The problem was far from little, but the Canadians chimed in, saying, "Oh, there's nothing wrong with your face!" and, "Face problem? What face problem?"
At this time, Christine whirled and pointed at Raoul. "He's the one who's never played hockey in his life. He's the one who can't tell the penalty box from the net. And just look at what he's done to that hockey stick!"
The Canadians all turned to see Raoul crouched over the ice with a shattered hockey stick, trying to scratch a hole to stick the beaver in. the men took off their hats.
"That poor hockey stick." Said one.
"How dare he?" said another.
One woman looked a little green as she clung to her husband, swaying as she murmured, "I think I'm going to be sick."
"So, my fellow Canadians," Christine said, "It's not the Phantom you should be after. IT'S THE FOP!"
"LET'S GET HIM!" Firmin shouted.
"I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!" Raoul cried.
"IN THE NAME OF HOCKEY!" Andre screamed.
"FOR HOCKEY!" the rest of the Canadians chorused, "EH!"
Christine and the Phantom watched in amazement as the entire mob chased Raoul out of the lair, leaving the caged beaver behind. Slowly, the Phantom knelt beside the cage and let the poor creature out. It scampered into his arms, rubbing its silky face against his chest.
"Awww!" Christine murmured, petting it on the head.
"So…" the Phantom cleared his throat, "What do we do now, eh?"
"… I hear they're looking for a new mascot in Philadelphia." Christine said, "And I'm sure you'd make a great Philadelphia Phantom."
"You think so?" The Phantom asked, leading her out of the lair.
She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I know so.
-
Awww! I kind of like how this ended. Yes, this is the end. HUZZAH!
I have met the Philadelphia Phantom. His name is Phlex. He's a very nice Phantom.
REVIEW OR I'LL SEND MY BEAVER ARMY AFTER YOU! MUA HA HA HA!
