Notes: This chapter is very long, and really doesn't follow one character's POV. Sorry for the switch, but there was a lot of I wanted to include in this chapter.
"I…I feel like I should apologize, but I'm not exactly sure what for," Danny stated, his voice uneasy.
Leaning against the kitchen counter with crossed arms, he stood in bare feet, wearing the pair of faded jeans and dark blue t-shirt he'd changed into after getting home from work. Katie found it very difficult to stay angry when he looked like this and when he'd come home earlier than usual to cook dinner for them. Danny was actually a very good cook, but he didn't really enjoy taking the time to do it – which was why they usually ended up eating takeout all the time. So the fact that he'd taken the time to cook dinner was making it awfully hard to remember why she'd been so mad at him.
"I guess that's the problem. We're on two completely different pages," she replied in a sad, desperate tone.
Rolling his eyes, he shook his head. "You said that I 'talked a good game', like I deceived you in some way, but I've never lied to you. I do want to be with you, but I get tired of feeling like what I do isn't good enough. It's not fair, Katie."
"I just want us to grow, and I feel like we…no…you aren't doing that in any aspect of your life."
"Why? Why? Because we aren't engaged? Because we don't have kids? All of that will come in time," he said with a hint of frustration in his tone.
Shaking her head, she paced to the other side of the kitchen. "That's what you say, but I don't—"
"This is your father talking, not you," Danny interrupted, as he took her arm and turned her around to face him. Looking in her eyes, he stated, "You know I'm committed to you and to us. He doesn't understand why I'm not taking some five hundred grand a year law gig, but I don't know if that will ever be me, Katie. Do you remember when I told how important routine is? I was honest with you about that. That has to be a part of my life."
"I remember, and I'm not saying that staying with you has anything to do with getting a better job. I just…" she trailed off, finding it hard to articulate her thoughts when he waslooking at her with such intensity.
"You just what?" he asked desperately, keeping a hold of her. "The problem is that you forget who I really am. You forget what I really am. I am and always will be an addict. Making changes in my life, helping Martin, hell, even having kids…all of that scares the hell out of me. Look at what happened to Raffi when he got in over his head. He fell apart when the pressure got to him. You have no idea how close I am to being like him. You have no idea."
Pinching the bridge of her nose, her head started to pound. She didn't know what to say.
Danny let her go when he saw her reaction, but he still continued. "This is why I brought you to that AA meeting. This is why I introduced you to Ray and Karla, so you could see what the reality is. I don't want to lose you, but I also don't want to force you to live a life where you aren't happy or feel unsure. I have to live my life one day at time," he said solemnly, before shaking his head and smiling to mask his sadness. "God, it's so cliché, but it's true. I want you in my life, but if you can't live like that with me, then…"
All at once, everything for Katie became clear. This is what he'd been trying to adjust her to this whole past year. She knew exactly where he stood and exactly what type of life he had to lead. This was more about her, and if this is the way she wanted to live for the rest of her life. Looking at him standing there with intense, pained dark eyes, she couldn't believe she still felt conflict. This was the man she'd wanted to be with ever since she was fifteen years old, and yet she couldn't make herself give a definitive answer.
Finally, she forced herself to say the hardest words she'd ever had to say. "Will…will you hate me if I tell you that I need time to think about this?"
The look in his eyes as she asked him this question changed from pained to something she could only describe as terrified, but he still managed to reply. "Of course I won't hate you. That's probably for the best," he said as he tried to give her a small smile.
Nodding, Katie wiped a few tears from her eyes. "I called my old roommate earlier today. She offered to let me stay with her for a while."
She'd only seen Danny really get emotional a handful of times. His eyes brimming, Katie could tell he was doing all he could to hold in his emotions. "Do you have to leave tonight?" he asked, his voice cracking.
At that, Katie almost said no. She hated seeing him like this. She hated causing him any pain, but she had to answer, "Yes. It would be so easy for me stay, Danny. But if I did that, it wouldn't be fair to either of us. I don't want to make you feel like you're disappointing me anymore."
After quickly wiping his eyes, Danny took a deep breath. "I got it. I mean, I understand. I'll walk you down when you're ready to go."
Biting her bottom lip, Katie quickly turned and walked back to bedroom so he wouldn't see the flood of tears that threatened to fall from her eyes.
XXX
She'd only been gone for a week, and Danny felt like he wanted to come out of his skin. He didn't know what he was going to do if she actually moved out. Trying to distract himself by watching a preseason baseball game, he restlessly squirmed on the couch trying to get comfortable. The problem was that, usually, she'd be next to him. Even though she wasn't particularly a baseball fan, she'd be curled up next to him with a nose in a book or grading papers.
Switching off the television, he stood up and paced around the apartment. Noticing that the clothes hamper was getting full, he decided to do a load of laundry. He just had to go downstairs to the laundry facility, but at least he'd get out of the apartment.
After putting the clothes in a basket, he then went into the bathroom to gather the towel he'd used that morning. Grabbing the towel off the door hook, he caught sight of soft, pink material hanging loosely from the hook. Running his hand down the material, he realized it was one of Katie's cotton tank tops that she regularly wore to bed. Taking it off the hook, he couldn't help but take in the scent. It smelled like Katie right after she got out of a bath – almost citrusy. That wouldn't be a scent he'd normally be fond of, but on her— it drove him crazy. Glancing into the bathroom mirror, Danny caught sight of himself sniffing the pink material. Laughing to himself, he rolled his eyes at how pathetic he looked. At first, he tossed the tank top into the basket, but then he rethought it. Taking it out of the basket, he carefully hung it back on the hook.
After getting the detergent, he got everything together and opened his front door to find Katie on the other side with her keys in hand.
For a few moments, they didn't say anything. After just finding her tank top and now seeing her at his door, Danny thought he might need a cold shower. She looked, in a word, amazing. Her dark blonde hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail with a few highlights sticking out. She had on her glasses—which Danny always found incredibly sexy. Dressed in a pair of low-rise, hip-hugging jeans and a cropped jacket, Danny's breath caught a little bit as his eyes floated over her unintentionally bare stomach. He was definitely going to need a cold shower after this.
"I thought Nicky had practice on Friday nights. Um…I didn't think you'd be here," Katie finally said, not noticing the way Danny was taking her in.
"Cancelled. The rain," Danny replied as he motioned toward the window.
"Right. I wasn't thinking," Katie responded with a nervous smile.
Danny returned a small smile, but didn't say anything.
"Um…you're doing laundry on Friday night?" she asked, motioning toward the basket.
"What?" Danny asked in a confused tone before remembering what he'd been doing. "Yeah…you know…I figured I'd get a head start." They usually did their laundry together on Sunday night. More accurately, Danny would do their laundry and Katie would help fold after. Growing up, she'd never done her own laundry, so she never quite grasped what should go in hot or cold water.
"Well I won't keep you…I just…just…" she stammered.
"You just what?" Danny asked, almost too hopefully.
"I need a book that's here," she finally said, glancing at the stacks of books that lined the far wall. "I'm preparing a lecture for next week, and I didn't realize I left the book here. I was trying to come at a time when you would be gone."
Shrugging, Danny opened the door wider to let her in. "No worries. Get your book."
"Thanks," she replied walking in.
Danny watched her intensely as she scanned the stacks. He took a deep breath before he finally had to look away.
"Here we go," she said as she started to pull a book out from the middle of a tall stack.
Looking up, Danny saw that the stack was really too tall and was wobbling above Katie. "Be care—"
Before he could finish, the stack of books started to tumble down on top of her. "—ful," he finished as he rushed towards her.
In an effort to get of out of the way of the falling books, Katie gracelessly fell backwards onto the floor – hitting the hardwood with a loud thud.
Leaning down next to her, Danny asked, "You all right?"
Looking up at him, first she smiled through the sharp pain as her cheeks flushed red in embarrassment. In the next moment, a swell of laughter followed. Soon, they were both laughing at the mess that surrounded them, breaking the uncomfortable tension that had surrounded the situation. Finally, Danny began removing the books that had fallen on Katie's lap and then he absently brushed a piece of hair out of her face. Extending his hand, he helped her to her feet. As she rose, they ended up standing very close to one another.
"Told you these books were a death trap," he said in a low tone, breaking the new tension that now seemed to be more about attraction than discomfort.
Biting her lip, Katie shrugged as she started to move away. Before she could get too far, Danny grabbed her hand.
"Don't go," was all he could think of to say.
"Danny…I—"
"Don't go," he repeated. The conflicted look on her face started to soften so Danny gently pulled her closer. She floated towards him as though he had some sort of magnetic power. Before either of them was actually ready, there was no space between them. He could feel her heart beating in time with his.
She kissed him first, which surprised him. The kiss, needy and emotional, lead to a fast stumble to bedroom and a tumble onto the bed that was rougher than either had intended.
"Sorry," Danny said as he heard her wince beneath him.
"S'okay," she replied breathlessly, before pulling him down for another kiss.
The intense encounter continued, both of them trying to focus on the physical attraction and trying to forget all the emotional baggage. But the baggage came roaring back when they unintentionally made eye contact with each other. Danny had just finished helping her remove his shirt, and their eyes met as he leaned in to kiss her again. Kissing her passionately, their eyes locked and the truth they both couldn't avoid was evident in their gaze.
Very slowly, Danny pulled away from her and rolled onto his back. Glancing over at Katie, he watched her pull her jacket tightly around her.
Neither was really able to speak – both afraid of what the other would say. But then, Danny turned to watch her as he propped his head up with his hand. Almost unconsciously, he reached out and let his fingers lazily drawing patterns across her bare stomach.
Stifling a smile, she finally returned his gaze.
"I knew it had rained all day," she whispered, after several minutes of quiet.
This made Danny smile. Gently, he pulled her closer to him as she rolled to her side.
"I hate not being with you," she said suddenly.
"I hate not being with you, too," he said as he exhaled lightly against the shell of her ear.
Shivering at the arousing feeling, Katie said, "Maybe…maybe we could just be lovers. Just have nice, uncomplicated sex for a while."
Smiling against her shoulder, he answered, "It's never really uncomplicated, and I could never do that with you."
"What are we going to do, Danny?"
Sighing, Danny held her a little tighter. "I want you here with me. I want you in my life. I want things to be the way they've always been. I'm really happy with you here. I thought you were, too," he said, fear and insecurity evident in his voice.
"I was. I just…I don't know. I don't know."
They didn't say anything else. Eventually, they both just fell asleep—neither of them had been able to fall asleep that easily in over a week.
In the morning, Danny woke and the first thing he noticed was the emptiness. His heart sinking, he wasn't sure what would be worse – if last night had been a dream or if she'd really left him in the middle of the night. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up in the bed. Opening his eyes again, he smiled when he saw the bathroom door open. Katie stepped out, her hair wet from a shower and wearing a pair of track pants and one of his FBI sweatshirts.
"Morning," she said with a small smile.
"Morning," Danny replied. "You're up early."
"Actually, you slept late. It's almost nine. I have to conduct a writing workshop that starts at 11."
"It's almost nine?" he asked, looking at the clock. "Christ! I should have set the alarm," he said, hurrying out of bed.
"Plans this morning?" she inquired curiously, as she slipped her shoes.
"Um…yeah. I need to get a shower and get out here," he said as he stood in front her.
"Well, I'll put on some coffee before I leave," she responded as she noticed the uneasiness in his voice.
"Thanks, and thanks for coming over last night. It was…nice," he said, glancing at the bed.
"Yeah. It was," she replied, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek. "You better get in the shower. I call you later."
"Great," he said. After kissing her on the forehead, he headed into the bathroom.
XXX
After starting the coffeemaker, Katie gathered her books and purse. As she opened the door to leave, she ran straight into a man who had his fist up ready to knock on the door.
Startled, Katie asked, "Can I help you?" And then taking a moment to really look at the man, she recognized him. It was Martin Fitzgerald. She hadn't recognized him at first because he was dressed in jeans, a sweatshirt and a baseball cap.
Glancing at the number on the door, Martin squinted in confusion. "Yes? I guess. This is Danny's apartment, right?"
"Right," Katie replied, "Um…he's here. He's running late. Is he expecting you?"
"I was supposed to meet him a couple of blocks from here, but I got to this neighborhood sooner than I'd thought. I tried to use the buzzer downstairs. When it didn't work, someone just let me in. So I figured, I'd just come up. Sorry if I'm interrupting."
Katie smiled as the pieces slowly came together in her mind.
"I can leave. I'll just wait downstairs," Martin volunteered when Katie failed to respond.
"You're not interrupting. Please come in," she said graciously. "I'm actually on my way out. He's in the shower, but he'll be out in a few minutes. I just put on some coffee. Help yourself."
"Thanks. Katie, right? It's been a long time," he said as he walked through the door. "I'm Martin."
"I remember," Katie replied. "I…um…I was actually with Danny once when he went to visit you in the hospital last summer, but you were sleeping."
Martin smiled politely in return, but didn't respond—seeming nervous and uncomfortable.
"I've got a class to get to, so um…make yourself at home. Danny will be out in a minute."
"Thanks," Martin replied.
Before Katie could turn toward the door, she saw Danny walking out of the bedroom, running his fingers through his wet hair.
"Hey," he said, clearly very surprised, with a frown etched in his brow line.
"Hi. I…uh…I got here sooner than I thought. Um…I offered to wait downstairs--," Martin stammered.
Smiling slightly, Danny interrupted. "Don't worry about it. I'm almost ready. I just need some coffee. Did you guys meet?" he asked as he looked from Martin to Katie.
"We reintroduced ourselves. Yes," Katie answered with a polite smile. "It was nice to see you again, Martin. And now, I really must go."
"I'll walk you out," Danny said as he walked to the door. "Be right back," he said to Martin before following Katie out and closing the door.
They didn't say anything as he walked her to the stairwell, but he shook his head when he saw the smile beaming on Katie face.
"Don't get too excited. Okay?"
"I'm not excited. I'm not anything. It's none of my business, right?"
"Exactly," Danny reiterated with a nod of his head and arched brow.
"Have a good day," she said, leaning up to kiss him.
After kissing her back, he responded, "You, too."
XXX
Walking back into the apartment, Danny's eyes widened a little as he acknowledged Martin again. "So how are you doing?"
"Honestly? I'm about to come out of my skin. The prescription my doctor gave helps, but…"
"It doesn't stop the psychological need to self-medicate," Danny said as he poured a cup of coffee and topped Martin's cup off. "You're used to reaching for a pill every time you feel anything. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what to do from one moment to the next without being high."
"Exactly," he replied as he marveled at how Danny had somehow read his thoughts.
"Staying busy helps, but that's hard because being around people kind of sucks right now."
Martin nodded in response. And then they both drank their coffees in silence for a few minutes before Martin decided to change the subject. "So, can I ask…can I ask about Katie? Is she living here?"
Danny nodded. "Technically, yeah, she is."
"That explains all the books," Martin responding glancing at the wall of books with the errant pile still strewn all over the floor from the night before. "I never really figured you for a Classics kind of guy – let alone reading in general."
"Geeze, Martin. It's good to know you still have that sharp sense of humor," Danny deadpanned.
This made Martin smile – his first real smile in a while. "Seriously, though, it seems like you have a bit of a storage problem."
"You think? This apartment isn't made for two people," Danny replied before saying under his breath, "but that might not be a problem for long."
"What?" Martin asked.
"Nothing. I just…I had intentions of fixing the storage problem, but haven't had the time to do it. I'll get to it eventually."
"So how did I not know that you and Katie had gotten so serious? Does everyone else know?"
Tilting his head, Danny shrugged. "Viv and Sam definitely know. They always find ways to ask me about her. I may have mentioned it to Jack in passing, but I'm pretty sure Elena doesn't know. I can't recall ever talking to her about Katie."
"Well, then, I don't feel so bad. Maybe you're just telling people in the order that they joined the team."
Danny laughed for a moment, but then got serious because he sensed a hint of uneasiness in Martin's voice. "It just never came up, Martin. We haven't talked a whole lot since—"
"Yeah, I know," Martin replied solemnly, cutting Danny off.
Realizing that this wasn't an area Martin was ready to discuss, Danny changed the subject after drinking his last swallow of coffee. "Listen, we should get going. That meeting starts in a few minutes."
"Right. I'm ready," Martin responded.
XXX
After her workshop ended, Katie gathered her things quickly to leave for the day. As she hurried out the door, she was surprised to run into her father.
"Dad? What are you doing here?" she asked in a confused tone.
"Don't you remember?" he replied. "We made plans earlier in the week to get together for dinner – after your class ended. We haven't had a chance to talk since getting back from vacation. I'm sure you're brimming with opinions about Charlotte."
Suddenly, she remembered when he referenced his new "friend". "Right. I completely forgot."
After her night with Danny, she'd been barely able to focus on anything. "I can't do it tonight, Dad. I…um…I have something I have to take care of. It can't wait."
"Sweetheart, we made plans. I cleared my Saturday evening for you. Danny is welcome to join us if—"
"No. He won't be joining us, and I won't be joining you either until we can get a few things straight," Katie blurted. She hadn't intended to talk about this with her father, but now was as good a time as any.
"What are you talking about? What's this about?"
"I've allowed myself to be influenced by you and the things you say about Danny. I know you aren't being malicious, but really, you shouldn't have an opinion at all about my relationship. It's my business. And what Danny decides to do with his future, our future, shouldn't be commented on by you."
"Where is this coming from? All I've said is that he should take advantage of great opportunities – opportunities most young men with law degrees would kill for. And that he should marry you. I know how much you want that, sweetheart. It bothers me that he would ask you to move in with him in that poor excuse for an apartment, without even discussing the notion of getting married," he said in an exasperated tone.
Katie started to argue back, but he interrupted before she could speak. "None of this would bother you unless you were thinking about the same things. You wouldn't care what I had to say about this unless you were feeling insecure. So there is merit to all of this."
"You're right. It has bothered me, but your passive aggressive commentary doesn't make me feel better or supported. It just makes me question something that I've already committed to. Danny and I may not be married, but we have an understanding. I let the things you said influence that, and I shouldn't have. That was my mistake. But you're at fault, too."
"My fault?" her father replied defensively.
"I need you to stay out of it. I need you to support me…and Danny. He loves me. He makes me happy, no matter what career choice he makes, where we live or whether we're married or not. And I wouldn't be in your life today if it wasn't for him. You should remember that the next time you criticize our choices."
Her father stared at her for a few moments before shaking his head. "I apologize for being critical, but I won't apologize for wanting what is best for you. The best I can do is assure you that I won't discuss Danny's career or your marital status again."
"That's all I want, Dad."
"Okay. Then can we please go to dinner like we planned?"
"I really can't. It's not because I'm upset with you. I just have to do something."
"Maybe tomorrow then?"
"I call you," Katie said as she rose up to kiss her father on the cheek and then hurried out of the classroom.
XXX
Nervously standing in front of their door, Katie wasn't sure if she should knock or not. Deciding it was better to err on the side of caution, she knocked on the door. Moments later, Danny answered, looking worn-out and slightly out of breath.
"Hi," he greeted her in a surprised tone. "What are you doing here?"
Frowning, Katie sighed. He was standing in the doorway, blocking her view of the apartment. "I…um…I thought we should talk again, after last night and this morning. I didn't want to go another day without…," pausing, she started to feel slightly panicked by Danny's strange behavior. "What the hell is going on in there?"
"In here? Nothing. Nothing's going on. In fact, maybe we should get out of here to talk. Let's go for walk," he said as he grabbed his keys from the side table and started to walk out.
"Whoa…whoa," Katie exclaimed. "We're not going anywhere."
"Baby, it's a mess in there. We should—"
"I'm not moving from this spot until I get to go into that apartment," Katie responded, holding her ground.
Tilting his head, Danny lips curved into a small, exasperated smile. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door to the apartment and ushered her in.
Stopping abruptly, Katie's breath caught at the sight in front of her: most of her books were now carefully housed in a beautiful set of unstained,wood bookcases.
"I wasn't finished putting them away yet. I wanted it to be completely done the first time you saw it."
Speechless, Katie shook her head as she walked toward them. Scanning the titles, she noticed that he'd put them in alphabetical order, just as she'd had them arranged against the wall.
"After what happened the other night, I figured we should do something more permanent and safe, for that matter," Danny continued.
"You did this all by yourself? This afternoon?"
"Actually, not all by myself. Martin was feeling a little restless today and needed a project so I put him to work."
"They're beautiful. It's beautiful and incredibly thoughtful."
"I'd been thinking about for a while, but hadn't had the time or the extra set of hands to help get the materials from the wholesale place down the street. It just seemed to work out today," Danny said in a self-satisfied tone. "But I didn't do it to make you stay or anything. In fact, if you go, you can take them with you. I just wanted you to have them – no matter what you decide," he finished, voice now brimming with insecurity.
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. That's why I came here out of the blue," she said, turning to him. "I'm not going anywhere, Danny."
Biting his lip, he wearily ran a hand through his hair. "Don't. Don't rush into this. I shouldn't have pushed you to stay last night. AndI know you were encouraged when you saw Martin here this morning, but don't make me into something I'm not. He started to hit rock bottom and Sam talked me into helping him."
"It doesn't matter how it happened, and you were right. The thing with Martin has nothing to do with us. You should be able to tell me things…to talk to me about anything without repercussions. I wasn't very fair to you. I let my frustrations go overboard."
"You had a right to be frustrated. I know things aren't progressing the way you want them to."
Shaking her head, Katie walked towards him and took his hand. "That's not the way it works with us, right? We don't look too far into the future. We take it one day at a time."
"We do?" he asked in a skeptical voice.
"Yeah. We do," she said as she let him take her into his arms in a warm embrace.
Notes: Okay…totally hokey ending. And I'm not sure it's an ending, but I fear this has become boring. Clearly, my take on The Road Home (Chapter 24) didn't resonate with many readers. So maybe this has become boring or out of character? Whatever the case may be, I guess I'll see if there is still something to write about in the next few episodes.
